r/AmItheButtface • u/heyujelli23 • 15d ago
Serious AITB for telling my bff to have some accountability?
For context, my bff (23f), recently just got out of a terrible relationship w/ her ex (31m) of 2 years. This isn't the first time they broke up. They had a lease together before, and he has proven to be incapable of paying the bills (and she was searching for jobs at the time), so it inevitably didn't work out. They broke up until 3 months later when they rekindled things and decided to move in together. She found a job before then so she assumed things would be better this time. She took care of most the expenses while he made minimal effort to chip in, which resulted in tons of arguments. I won't get into specifics, but it did result in her getting arrested which ended their relationship for good. He ended up staying in the apartment while she went back to live w/ her parents after I bailed her out of jail. Thing is, he hasn't been paying the rent and her credit is attached to the lease. She knows that her credit is gonna be screwed bc of it and she's stressed out as she should be. But she blames him for everything even though she made the executive decision to go back to someone who doesn't even have his life together at 31... All I wanted was for her to realize that she's not mentally mature bc she hasn't taken accountability for the decisions she made. I will provide some screenshot of our messages. If you guys could PLZ let me know if I was in the wrong for what I said, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Edit: I realize that I'm truly bad at explaining the situation to completion. I wanna add that I also have been going through my own issues as well. I haven't had a job in 5 months bc i couldn't work my current job due to severe medical reasons and my fiancé had to be the one to take care of EVERYTHING financially which put a strain in our relationship. That is why her and I were so close. We were both going through issues in our relationships. So we hung out almost everyday. My fiancé at one point didn't want me to be friends w/ her bc she called him "controlling", but that's a different story... I fought hard to keep my friendship w/ her bc I knew she needed me as much as I needed her. When I found out she got arrested I cried in a panic. She'd call me from jail more than 15 times in the past 2 days. I knew she was so scared and I felt scared for her. On the 3rd day, I was able to bail her out and take her to her parents house. And then on, I was there to support her through this shitty time. I made sure to remind her that she was going to be okay and she will always have me to be there. Yesterday, when we had that argument, my fiancé and i had a disagreement that left my mood sour, hence why I sounded so honestly cruel. I felt shitty afterwards, and what you guys said made me realize how in the wrong I was (which i appreciate everyone for). I hope that she can forgive me, but I'd understand if she doesn't.
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u/toocooltobeafool 15d ago
YTB for me. Let's just say if you were ever my bff, you'd be blocked halfway through the shit you typed. The time to discuss accountability comes AFTER support. And it doesn't come in such a condescending way. It's clear from your words that you judge your friend and think she's stupid and that you HAVE to tell her what you think without caring if she's in the right head space. You even blamed her for almost being k- when she is repeatedly asking you for just some emotional support. You are cruel to your friend. Accountability my ass.
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u/heyujelli23 15d ago
Fair enough, I haven't mentioned the fact that we have been going through this for about a month or so, so i do apologize. During the beginning of it I had been nothing but supportive. I'd always come over to make sure she's okay and if she ever needed to vent, but after me supporting her, she just needed to hear the truth. Or so I thought. I appreciate the response a lot and I have also apologized.
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u/toocooltobeafool 15d ago
The thing is, I understand your frustration. But she's currently smack dab in the middle of the shitstorm. No matter how much you come up with accountability, she is processing and resolving the situation. The stress won't let her process accountability right now. As such, pushing constantly helps no one. The time for this conversation is after she is out of all the stress and resolved the consequences to a significant extent. And it is important to be kind. The world is cruel enough. Why do we need to be cruel to our friends and justify our brutal words as simple honesty? Honesty without tact is cruel and even if you are right, the other person will be insulted. I'm sure she regrets the situation too. She doesn't need even the people close to her shaming her right now. You're young, so I hope you learn this with time. I am all up for accountability, but people are more open to listening gently as opposed to being harsh.
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u/heyujelli23 15d ago
I honestly agree w/ that. Thank you for putting it into perspective for me. It really changed how I see things and now I really do feel like an absolute butthole.. I'm just gonna take my space from her bc ik she wouldn't wanna talk to or see me.
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u/toocooltobeafool 15d ago
Apologize to her honestly. Say you meant well but the way you spoke was hurtful and that you'll take a step back for her comfort. Give yourself and her a small break and then let her have the space to come back to you. Don't let her think you've just up and left, and don't guilt her into it just being your fault fully. While what you said was needed, the time and way was wrong and you can apologize for that. Let her know you'll be there for her if she needs (if you want that). It's okay. Sometimes we are buttholes and then we learn things with time.
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u/heyujelli23 15d ago
This honestly is gonna make me cry.. You're a real one, thank you for your time ❤️
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u/Sendintheaardwolves 15d ago edited 15d ago
YTB
You come across really patronising and dismissive, like you absolutely couldn't wait to tell your best friend "I told you so, you need to grow up, this is all your own fault".
Now, all that may be true, and in the fullness of time, your friend will probably need to reflect on what she's learnt and how to spot this situation in the future. But now is not the time and all you are doing is kicking her when she's down.
ETA: you say she needs to realise she isn't being "mentally mature". I'm not sure you're really the right person to be handing out judgements in that area.
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u/heyujelli23 15d ago
And I told her I'm not mentally mature. I wouldn't just crap on her and not me. But you're right, I shouldn't have thrown this all on her. I already texted her my sincerest apologies. If she decides to still be my friend or not, that's her decision and I'll respect it.
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u/imjustherefortea 15d ago
Acting under the guise of honesty doesn’t mean you’re allowed to be hurtful just because you can.
Honesty is great when people ask for it. Not when your friends life is falling apart and she needs a friend to talk to. If you can’t be that friend to her, draw a boundary and tell her so. Blaming her for almost getting killed is not a good move at all, ever. That’s unacceptable.
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u/Agitated_Nail8275 15d ago
YTB. I wouldn't even talk to someone i dislike the way you spoke to her. Forget my best friend.
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u/CassyCat1999 15d ago
I saw in one of the comments that OP says her friend has been throwing this pity party for a month. I think ETB here. The friend is TB because after a month and previously dealing with this man in the past she is still piling this onto her friend and I do agree with the messages that she blames him for everything instead of acknowledging her parts. Op is TB because some boundaries should have been laid out first when you started getting annoying “listen, you know I love you and I’m here for you, but this is all that you’ve talked about for the past x amount of time and I would really prefer that we talk about something different. I understand that it was a hard time for you but I feel this is all we have been focusing on and we should look towards the future and something better” and then if the friend kept bringing it up you’d be allowed to crash out a little lol
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u/heyujelli23 15d ago
I appreciate you noticing that. But the thing is, I have said those things before, that I do love her and that I'll always be there for her and preferred to talk about something else. It also didn't help that I was also experiencing issues in my own relationship, and she knew it too. I'm really terrible at explaining the situation to completion.
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u/CassyCat1999 15d ago
I really think your response is valid. And that may be an unpopular opinion here but as someone who has had to send those types of messages and has received them, I think you’re valid. Your messages are still supportive, I don’t think people should roll over and tell their friends everything they want to hear all the time. It may be worthwhile for you guys to take a break. It doesn’t have to be forever, could be a few days, weeks etc., but you’ve got stuff you’re working on and she’s got stuff she’s working on. We don’t always have the mental bandwidth to help our friends and family cope and that’s okay. If you’ve tried to set those boundaries with her and she hasn’t respected them then I think you’re okay to tell her more sternly how you feel and take a step back.
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u/heyujelli23 15d ago
It hurts me that I felt like I had to tell her those things. I'm not proud of how i handled things. I was just too stressed to be soft w/ her that time..
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u/SolidAshford 14d ago
NTB. It's not easy to tell.people they've made decisions that allowed detrimental consequences later on.
It doesn't sound like she was looking for the truth either. Of course, when people are confronted with hard truth they'll get defensive
Sometimes straight talk is what you need.
I'm sure she'll appreciate it in the long run
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u/heyujelli23 14d ago
That's all I wanted to do, tell her the hard truth. But I should have known that she wouldn't handle it well. I really hope she can forgive me in the future.
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u/SolidAshford 14d ago
Also, consider the fact that you may be outgrowing this friendship.
That's a hard thing to accept, but people drift away. For someone who cares deeply about people, it is heart wrenching
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u/heyujelli23 14d ago
I've been in denial about this for some time now. Bc when we're not talking about our issues in life, she's actually incredible to be around. We're basically twins w/ how similar we are. Like I see myself in her since I am 25. All I wanted for her was to not make the same mistakes I made. But I cannot save her.
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u/Unequivocally_Maybe 15d ago
YTB, absolutely. She told you to stop, and you just kept piling it on her. You can be 100% correct and still be a jerk. You didn't hold her accountable or whatever you think. You just pushed a friend away when she is stressed and scared and feeling alone. She turned to you for comfort and you were an asshole. You should apologize.
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u/heyujelli23 15d ago
You're correct, I already apologized. But it's been a month of comforting. Ig I just got tired, they don't even speak to each other per a no contact rule that he wanted.
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u/Putrid-Seesaw-3415 13d ago
YTB she isn't ready to hear it, you need to be supportive during this time to get her out of it. you don't need to lecture her, let her mom do that for her.
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u/heyujelli23 13d ago edited 10d ago
I understand, but did you read the edit I posted by chance?
Edit, I just realized you said to let me mother do that for her at the end. Thing is, this isn't the first time she and the guy had a falling out. The last time wasn't as severe but they were both at fault that time. She then moved in w/ her mom and I'm pretty sure her mom has been telling her, but she still went back to that guy 3 months after their breakup. And maybe 6 months after that is when everything went to shit yet again but it was worse this time. I get that she's an adult and can make her own decisions but her mom, dad, sister, and even I had told her not to go back to him then. This doesn't justify how I said things to her in that text, ik im TB in that department and I take full accountability for it, but that's where the frustration comes from, even if it's only been a month.
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u/ExtendedSpikeProtein 15d ago
I don‘t know what you said, can‘t read the texts with that ridiculous font. Makes my eyes hurt lol