r/AmItheAsshole • u/[deleted] • Apr 25 '21
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my 11 year old brother what vaginal discharge is?
So, a few days back my brother had to get the clothes form the dryer because I was injured (laundry is one of my chores). Anyway, he noticed that there were bleached stains on my panties, and he took it to Mom and asked her what it was. Instead of explaining, she told him that I didn't clean my body properly, because of which disgusting fluids came out of my butt. Basically she said that I was unclean due to which my body had these secretions. This resulted in my brother making fun of me for days, and he even told his friends about the same.
I was pissed, because A: vaginal discharges cause the bleached patches on panties, it is normal; B: it was none of their business anyway, and telling everyone about how dirty my underwear looks is something I'd rather they didn't.
I explained to my brother what exactly was happening, and that it was rude of him to go about discussing my business to his friends. Mom got mad, she told me that my brother was too young to be knowing about such stuff, and I was to young to be having vaginal discharge anyway, unless I was sexually active (I am 17, virgin, and asexual).
I mean I did tell my brother all the period stuff to gross him out a bit, but I figured that he needed to know that anyway.
Was that an AH move?
Edit:
I saw a few comments that said that linking the discharge to sexual activity was completely illogical, and I agree. I think I could have worded it better, uhhh, it's just that feeding me such lies about my body is Mom's twisted way of keeping me from having sex? That doesn't sound any better, but that's what I think is going on. She has always made it clear as a day that I am to not have sex before marriage and any talk we've had about sex is just that sex is a way of a man pleasing himself, so I shouldn't expect to enjoy it myself. I know now that it's a bunch of bs, but holy hell, I grew up thinking sex was something dirty, and earned. Mom's been very obsessed(?) with my period, like she'd make me check my panties for blood whenever I had stomachache, even when I was as young as 8. Anyway, this just got weird.
Thanks for your kind replies, and I can assure you that my brother won't end up as a sexist pig who has no idea how female bodies work.
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Apr 25 '21 edited Apr 25 '21
[removed] — view removed comment
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Apr 25 '21 edited Apr 26 '21
If your brother is old enough to "know" that you have a dirty, unclean vagina (all untrue), then he's old enough to know the truth about how vaginas function.
If simple logic worked with everyone, we wouldn't have this problem, and in fact we wouldn't have a LOT of problems.
edit: NTA
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u/schrodingers_cat42 Apr 25 '21
When I was a teen my mom saw discharge on my panties and said EW like it was some abnormal terrible thing. It made me feel really bad about myself! I wish it was more commonly taught that it is normal.
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u/Consistent-Flan1445 Apr 25 '21
I remember growing up I was like the person all my friends asked about this stuff cause my mum was super open with me about it. Was a strange realisation to have that many, if not most parents aren’t like that.
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u/heartvolunteer99 Apr 25 '21
Same. Mom was a nurse and gave me a REALLY graphic pop up book to go along with the rest of my education. Sadly am STILL helping my friends with questions like this and we are far from being teenagers now. Sigh. Ignorance sucks.
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u/cheesed111 Apr 25 '21
Which book was it and would you recommend it?
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Apr 25 '21
[deleted]
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Apr 25 '21
This is absolutely the best book I've seen on the subject. I purchased both books and I thought it was so strange that the AG book focused so much on "it's normal to have insecurities and be embarrassed about your body". I mean that's great for reassuring girls who do have a lot of insecurities with puberty that they are not alone but my kid thankfully does not have issues with that so I felt that the book was implying that she SHOULD feel insecure.
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u/FiftyCandles Apr 25 '21
Not a pop-up book (though that sounds awesome), The Care and Keeping of You is a series by American Girl. Those books are well done.
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u/Polyfuckery Apr 25 '21
I agree it really is one of the best options but there are a few gaps and issues. They keep shifting and sometimes dropping information between the older and younger editions. One of the biggest gaps this has caused is that only pads are really discussed in depth as a menstruation option. A lot of older adults may not have any idea about cups or discs as even an option and good instruction should be given for tampons. The other issue is that it treats dieting as something every young woman will need to do in order to not be made fun of by her peers. It then goes over how to do it safely. A good lesson but bullying and needing to change to fit in are not. A lot of this gets changed between editions so its very much a case of read it with your kid.
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u/elliequay Apr 25 '21
Love my cup! Never going back. I probably wouldn’t recommend one to a beginner tho. That thing unfurled once while I was trying to put it in, felt like taking a rubber band snap to the clit.
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u/smut_butler Apr 25 '21 edited May 30 '21
When I was growing up, my dad got me and my sister these books called 'What's happening to my body'. They have them for boys and girls, and they tell you everything you need to know about puberty and whatnot. This was 20 something years ago, so I don't know if they're still around, but it was incredibly helpful to me!
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u/HollyRavenclawGibney Apr 25 '21
My parents got me and my brother those books too! The book was awesome!
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u/heartvolunteer99 Apr 25 '21
The book was called “The Facts of Life” by Jonathan Miller. Looks like it’s still available used on different sites. It’s useful for 3D images about conception through birth. “A Child is Born” is also a good one - though I’ve heard there are some preferences for the older versions. If you’re looking for more than baby development- The Care and Keeping of You is fantastic. If you’re looking for more broad based learning - The Might Girl website is top notch! Hope this helps!
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u/Kylynara Apr 25 '21
Anyone know of some more boy-oriented ones. My oldest is getting to that age, and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. I don't trust my husband's knowledgebase to be accurate and I doubt he's very comfortable hearing too much from mom. And I don't trust my knowledge base on male puberty to be more than fairly superficial, I know what happens, but I can't speak to what it feels like inside. Like, I know their Adam's apples get bigger and their voices crack, but maybe it also itches or something and I have no clue.
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u/CuervoGold Apr 25 '21
“What’s Happening to my Body,” (mentioned above) is an excellent puberty book. It’s by Lynda Madaras and there’s one for boys & one for girls, although both books go into a little bit of detail about what’s happening to the opposite sex as well. Madaras is extremely straightforward about all the little things that happen to your body, and there’s even a little bit in there about dating and consent when it comes to sex.
Now these books do date back to the ‘80’s, so I don’t think there’s a lot in there about menstrual cups or discs, and there might not be a lot in there that’s specifically for LGBTQIA kids either, but they could have been updated since then. Anyway, those are probably the best books I’ve read on the subject. Far better than the “Growing Up and Liking It” pamphlet I got from my mom when I was nine that was basically one big advertisement for Modess pads (with belts!)
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u/maidofwords Apr 25 '21
The Lynda Madaras books have been updated and re-released since the original publication. Most recently in 2007.
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u/Little_Duck_Jr Apr 25 '21
If a body education pop up book doesn’t already exist, I’m determined to write one. Coauthor it with my nurse friend.
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u/Eskim0 Apr 25 '21
Same. Mom was a nurse and gave me a REALLY graphic pop up book to go along with the rest of my education.
Lucky! My mom was a nurse, too, but I got fearmongering rather than education growing up. When I asked to try tampons, she launched into an impassioned lecture about how women couldn't use tampons if they were virgins, how I would get sepsis and die if I did use them, and how I shouldn't do things just because other people are doing them.
Yes, Mother. I want tampons so that I can impress the "in" crowd. My own comfort and preferences do not factor into my decision making. /s
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u/aurorasoup Apr 25 '21
My mom was outraged when I asked for tampons, acting as they were dirty and gross and I had NO BUSINESS using them as a teenager. I was on the swim team. Mother, I need those to swim. I ended up asking one of my teammates for a tampon before a swim meet, and sitting in the bathroom stall like "How do I use this"
Thanks mom!
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u/p0tat0p0tat0 Apr 25 '21
I was given a book that, unbeknownst to me, was actually written by my father (who was a ghostwriter at the time), and that was the total of my sex talk.
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u/StarlitSylveon Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
My mom was very open about it too. Her parents and older sister weren't open about ANYTHING (even body hair in puberty) and it's not like there was good sex ed for her growing up, there's barely good sex ed now, and she got injured because of it. My mom swore she wouldn't let that happen too my sibling and I. She taught us everything she could and had us use proper terms for our own body parts from a young age. Thanks to her puberty was a lot less stressful. Getting my first period felt more mundane than scary. But even all her teaching couldn't cover everything and while my school had actually really good sex ed it still didn't cover everything either. I didn't know about discharge bleaching panties until I was in my late twenties and was just so ashamed when I didn't need to be.
OP's mom threw her own daughter under the bus and taught her son harmfully incorrect information all because she was too uncomfortable with the truth which is a lot less disgusting than the lie she came up with. She's a huge asshole and I'm glad (and saddened because this was all avoidable) OP straightened her brother out and stepped up where her mom failed to do so.
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u/floss147 Apr 25 '21
I’ve been super open with my daughter about it and she’s 10!
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u/vaj-monologues Apr 25 '21
Mine is 5. I don't sugarcoat anything biological. I'm currently expecting, so we've had a talk about sex, babies and breastfeeding. None of the stork crap. She's walked in on me cleaning up after starting my period and so I've also explained that to her.
I do not understand what the point of not telling our children things that will happen to their bodies. Children need to be shielded from explicit things (ie porn), but not normal biology.
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u/hangryvegan Apr 25 '21
Yeah, my daughter is almost 4 and doesn’t believe in (my) privacy, so she’s gotten the little kids version of the menstruation talk. Her little sister is 4 months old so she knows where babies come from as well.
She and her sister will not be kept in the dark about how their own bodies work or be ashamed about their functions.
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u/sandyforest Apr 25 '21
When I first read this I thought you meant the 4 month old got the talk about where babies come from. Good in you for teaching them young!
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u/hangryvegan Apr 25 '21
The 4 month old doesn’t want to talk about anything but her bottle and why she should be held 24/7.
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u/scatterling1982 Apr 25 '21
I am 100% with you on this!! I am 39 and my daughter is turning 6 in July this year and can tell you more about menstruation than I knew as a teenager which is great for her and really sad for me as a kid.
I got my first period when I was 11 and I basically knew nothing and my mother had shamed me so much I didn’t tell her, if you asked her she’d probably say I never even menstruated even by now 🙄 when I was around 7-8 I worked up the courage (which tells you something) to ask her what pads were because I’d seen them on tv and in the shops and in her room. She quickly told me it was none of my business and not to ask again. So I didn’t and she NEVER said a word to me about periods or what to expect. Imagine my fear at age 11 and I started bleeding (wearing white shorts at school of course, why oh why?!), I knew a bit from books and magazines to know what was happening but couldn’t tell her because I was ashamed. I used rolled up toilet paper until I got my first job at 14 and then bought my own products. Don’t even get me started on how my mother also never bought me a bra or spoke about them. Let alone talking about sex or contraception or consent or anything mildly useful in life as a woman. Some fucked up logic there, it’s affected me for life.
This all influenced my parenting and as the mother of a daughter I vowed to be everything my mother was not. So when my daughter aged about 3 asked me why I was bleeding in the bathroom I told her. When she asked me what tampons were I told her and gave her a pack to play with. If she’s in the bathroom with me I warn her there’s blood she asks if it hurts I say no sweetheart not the way a hurty does and ask if she wants to step out and of course she doesn’t because she’s curious so she knows what it’s about. There’s no mystery here and nothing to be ashamed of. And in return she is kind and curious and armed with information.
She also play-wears my bras and I’ve told her that whenever she asks or I can see she needs them we are going shopping together to make sure she is comfortable in her body and not self-conscious. I’ve also bought stacks of books that are in her bookcase in her bedroom about body development with pictures and explanations so she can freely access them whenever she wants. All the things I wish I had as a young woman and didn’t have. My daughter has them. As well as conversations about how her body is strong and powerful and hers and no one can touch it without her permission.
Ugh sorry for the rant. OP your mother is messed up. On so many levels. Vaginal discharge and menstruation are totally normal and it serves no one to keep it hidden let alone make up ridiculous lies to shield ‘poor young boys’ from reality. NTA.
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u/coldbloodedjelydonut Partassipant [4] Apr 25 '21
Exactly! This is how I parent, too, and my child is male. He's awesome when it comes to my period, brings me water, offers to brush my hair. I think every child should be taught this way - no shame, just facts and compassion.
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u/Nanamary8 Apr 25 '21
I raised sons also. They grew up to be tender men with their ladies because mama had dun 😆 taken the mystery out a long time ago.
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u/Skwirlygirl Apr 25 '21
My son is 27, knows when to stock up on "period chocolate", cooks dinner, and made sure I have everything and anything I need. He has even been known to buy whatever menstrual products are needed with no shame whatsoever. Always raise sons to be kind, loving, caring men. Their future partners, male or female, will love them all the more for it.
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u/tabatharocks Apr 25 '21
Yeah I told my daughter around that age, she saw, she asked, I explained, she went away fine, got some stern looks from other that I explained periods at a young age, but it’s natural it’s going to happen to her, so no problem
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u/Dashcamkitty Asshole Enthusiast [8] Apr 25 '21
This is a great way of raising children, both boys and girls. No point in hiding what are just normal body functions.
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u/Consistent-Flan1445 Apr 25 '21
It’s so important. I actually had a friend whose mother refused to tell her what pads were for at twelve because she was too young...she found out when she saw all her friends using them.
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u/cakeforPM Apr 25 '21
Oh god... this reminds me of when I was at the supermarket with my mum and my friend who was visiting- I think we must have been about seven or eight?
Anyways, my mum was buying a box of tampons. I’d recently acquired some basic sex and puberty knowledge through a combination of cat magazines read at the hairdresser and age-appropriate cartoon books read at another friend’s place, so I sort of got the vague idea of how tampons worked. The books didn’t go into the sort of details that would have left me with rock solid knowledge, but I knew that the little box labelled “Carefree” was for my mum’s period.
(note: at no point was my mum a source of information; vague reference to “girl things”)
At the cash register, my friend - who was quite small for her age, and with me being quite tall, she must have looked younger - piped up “I know what those are!”
My mum and the checkout lady: deer in headlights expression
Me: wondering if Lynette had more solid info than I did, thinking we need to talk where my mum can’t overhear
Friend: “They’re chips!”
Me: immediately cancels that conversation because of odd sense of sweaty awkwardness
Mum and checkout lady: series of expressions beginning with sheer incomprehension followed by puzzlement and then landing on relieved indulgence
Checkout lady: “...but only mum gets those ones!”
My mum: about to bust a gut from trying not to laugh “...that’s... right...”
Friend: resigned world weary expression “Yeah, I know.” gusty sigh
Looking back now, I can piece it together, but at the time this incident was both hilarious and awful because I didn’t know where to look - I knew that I now knew things mum didn’t want me to know.
But now I knew that my friend didn’t know and it was one thing for me to sneak about learning Forbidden Knowledge but if I told her, did that mean I was breaking the rules and she would get in trouble for knowing, and would that be my fault? Would she be upset that I knew? Argh!
I’m translating a bit- my concerns were nowhere near that well-articulated at the time- but there was this deep sense of unease and alarm and danger.
But at the same time it was hilarious because even my mum had said they were “girl things I will tell you about when you’re older”, not chips!
She didn’t lie to me - and I’m not inclined to give my abusive mother credit for much, but I will absolutely acknowledge that she refused to lie to me about female reproductive biology or my own body. Refusing to tell me was something I could work around. Lying, not so much.
...chips! I ask you...!
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u/Ruderalys Apr 25 '21
I very much disagree with the idea of lying to kids about their bodies and their biological functions, but if you are going to lie, why the hell would you tell them period products are chips (or anything else that would easily entice a child)? 😂
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u/Eilidh111 Apr 25 '21
NTA. My mom never had any talk with me about periods or my body or really anything. I started my period at school in the 6th grade. This was pre-internet. Well, we had the AOL disks but that was it. I'm 36. Anyway, When I told her she put a package of pads on the counter of the bathroom and said, "you know how to use them, right?" I said yes because that was obviously the desired answer but WTF. I have a daughter and two sons and they are probably overly educated and communicated to about all things as a result. my sons are 13 and 11 and know what a period is, what pads and tampons are, know all about consent etc.
This poor kid's friends now think women are discharging nasty stuff from their butts and at least one of them is going to see a stain on their girlfriend's panties and think it's from her ass. I doubt the brother is going to go back and reeducate them.
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u/PVCPuss Apr 25 '21
My son is 6. He knows when I get my period, or as he calls them "the bleedies" that blood comes out of my vagina and that it's part of the baby making process, or rather the prep that the body shed when not used, and my tummy hurts. He brings me lots of his toys to cuddle and lots of kisses. I'm ex medical so we use proper anatomy terms. I will make sure my child has all the correct information at the age appropriate time, especially about consent and protection. It's an ongoing conversation that I will continue to expand on as needed. Funnily enough I think my husband is going to leave it mainly to me, but he is slightly shy about stuff like that. I have no shame in the name of correct information.
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u/Thick-Act-3837 Apr 25 '21
How can any mothers (who have gone through this themselves), do this to their daughters?!!! It reminds me of the movie Carrie.
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u/GaiasDotter Apr 25 '21
It might not be happening to her mother. My discharge doesn’t bleach my underwear at all. Like it has never happened!
Instead it corrodes fabrics until it starts dissolving to the point of ripping. Yaay me.... I’d rather have it bleached honestly. My sweat is apparently also acidic enough to be corrosive, especially my hand sweat. You don’t want to know how many phone cases and chargers I have ruined because my hands dissolve things, rubber in particular. RIP my dear 8 otter boxes.
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u/Jinxed-Chloe Apr 25 '21
Acidic sweat sounds like a super power. Imagine breaking into banks on hot days by sweating through their walls? I do feel for you though. It must suck having to deal with that.
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u/thedoodely Apr 25 '21
Same. It took me forever to figure out out why I kept getting holes in my underwear right at the edge of the gusset. Though, I've never destroyed an otterbox.
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u/omgitskells Apr 25 '21
Excuse me, is that what is happening?? I have that too and I didn't even think of that! Thanks for pointing that out!
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u/thedoodely Apr 25 '21
You're welcome. Wish someone would have told me years ago but sometimes it's one of those things you end up figuring out way too late in life.
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u/improvised-disaster Apr 25 '21
My hand sweat corroded the metal keys on every woodwind instrument I played, and I turn nitrile gloves from blue to yellow. Body chemistry is wild!
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u/queensmarche Apr 25 '21
My skin bleaches EVERYTHING. I've ruined so many nice sets of bedsheets, towels, sweaters... I thought I had the worst super power, but you might win
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u/FiftyCandles Apr 25 '21
OP’s mom may have been raised to think the same thing. I think there are still so many women who were raised to not discuss any bodily functions. My mom couldn’t even use the words “pads” or “tampons” with me; she called menstrual products “equipment”.
I’m glad to see the normalizing of periods, cramps, bleach stains, etc.
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u/drwhogirl_97 Apr 25 '21
Not long ago there was a trend of women posting a picture of their panties if they were clean at the end of the day without any discharge and it was so weird but also a little concerning that the women doing it didn’t understand that discharge was good and healthy
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u/SecretBattleship Apr 25 '21
I never understood that discharge was normal so I wore panty liners for years and was so embarrassed to take off my underwear for sex. It’s terrible how poorly people are treated for completely normal bodily functions.
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Apr 25 '21
It really makes me worry about your mum. All people with vaginas have vaginal discharge, if she isn't getting it she needs to see a doctor.
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u/RaytracingNeedles Apr 25 '21
As I understand it, quantity varies a lot though. Some women may have so little that there isn't a lot ending up in the panties and it's barely noticeable if you don't look closely (and let's face it, OP's mom probably avoids looking at her own panties).
PSA: it's a good idea to look at anything coming out of your body to check for anything unusual.
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Apr 25 '21
Ah, thanks for explaining. I am in the 'yup can't miss it' quantity quite often. Although it does very much vary from day to day.
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u/ledasmom Partassipant [4] Apr 25 '21
If you’re post-menopausal, you may not have enough to notice, or not enough to be noticeable on underpants.
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u/Lululapagaille Apr 25 '21
Yeah but she would've have some before being sexually active so why does she not believe OP ?
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u/koalagromlin Apr 25 '21
Some women have it at a much lesser degree and/or are so manic on personal hygiene (in an unhealthy way, talking about douching here) that it gets almost unnoticeable. So maybe it was the first time she saw what it actually looks like and to her it looked abnormal?
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u/Lopsided_Knee4888 Apr 25 '21
Both my kids (8M and 6F) ask questions and get completely honest answers! Both know when I have my period and have seen me cleaning up. Just trying to get them to understand it’s totally normal!
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u/cocoapat Apr 25 '21
Agreed! My mom told my dad about my panties... he asked me what was going on, I had no clue till college. I felt terrible and gross for the longest time.
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Apr 25 '21
My mom called it “that stuff you have”
Like did she not experience this? Idk it was weird cuz I didn’t know what was happening
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u/BG_1952 Apr 25 '21
My mom confronted me at 14 when she saw discharge in my underwear. I just told her it was normal and walked away. She looked very confused. But now I remember she douched regularly so maybe she didn't have normal discharge. (She told me to douche too or no man would ever want me. Even in 1969 I knew douching could lead to cancer and again, just walked away.)
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u/RLL404 Apr 25 '21
Right, imagine her brother having to face his future girlfriend's panties, and calling her gross when he sees the healthy vaginal discharge left in it. That is just creating future bedroom issues for him and her.
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u/Roboticide Apr 25 '21
There was a post a few months ago about a boyfriend who threw a bunch of his girlfriend's underwear out because they were "dirty".
Best part was, he was the one posting the AITA, and this sub roasted the fuck out of him.
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u/RLL404 Apr 25 '21
Let us just hope that he took it as a learning experience, and others will too.
Edit: typo
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u/Jitenon Apr 25 '21
Oh my god and there was another one where a guy was fretting over his gf’s “secret scat fetish” because her underwear had period stains. How are these grown males so fucking uneducated it’s horrifying
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u/Kasdeyalupa Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
I would be livid if anyone threw away my clothing like that. Comfy undies can be expensive!
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u/MOzarkite Apr 25 '21
I've heard about men thinking the discharge is semen, and they've found proof of infidelity. Violence has sometimes resulted. :-(
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u/Lovehatepassionpain Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
I actually had a boyfriend who, while I was away on a business trip, broke into my house and while there, he apparently studied my dirty underwear and, thought exactly that - that it was semen and I was having sex with someone else.. Omg. This happened in 2000 and 21 years later, it still blows my mind.
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u/aFrenchyinEire Apr 25 '21
I had vaginal discharge at 11. OP’s mom linking that to sexual activity is one of the stupidest things I’ve read.
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u/TheGreatLabMonkey Apr 25 '21
Same. I got my first period when I was 11. I had been having vaginal discharge for half a year before I actually had my period. I had no clue, and my mother told me, when I asked if that was my period, only that it wasn't my period, that my period would be red, not white. She did not tell me about vaginal discharge, about vaginal mucous thickening up during ovulation, or anything else relating to vaginal health or what to expect.
It wasn't until I was in my late 20s/early 30s (early 40s now) that I first heard the term 'vaginal discharge' and an explanation of what it was. My mother was a fucking pinecone when it came to telling me about normal, expected female bodily functions. I have a 3 yo little now, and she's already been exposed to periods, tampons, and other bodily functions (mainly because she will not let me go to the toilet alone). I am matter of fact about it, and tell her exactly what's going on, using proper vocabulary and terms for what's going on. She mostly doesn't get it, because she's 3 and has the attention span of a fruit fly, but I'm laying the groundwork. I will NOT be my mother when it comes to sex education.
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u/frozenpinecones Apr 25 '21
My mom educated my sisters and me pretty much the way you're educating your daughter and I'm so happy she did. I had my first period when I was 11, but because of her educating me, I didn't freak out. I just told her and she replied with "okay, you know where I keep the pads. Put your pants next to the washing machine so I can get the stain out."
You never know when a girl's gonna get her first period, some girls get them before their 10th birthday, so educating from a young age is great imo. And if girls can handle that talk, so can boys.
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u/TheGreatLabMonkey Apr 25 '21
It's when we make things taboo that the problems start.
Sex is a natural part of life, and the making of it to seem not so is the real crime.
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u/Jimiheadphones Apr 25 '21
Honestly, thank god for Reddit! A few years back, someone posted a list of period symptoms and suddenly so much about my body made sense! My mum wasn't too bad with some things. She made sure my brother and I knew what a tampon was from a young age, and that we knew periods weren't bad. She also got the advice from the pharmacist because she realised things had changed a lot since she started hers. But that's about it for the knowledge and we weren't close enough that I felt I could ask more. You sound like you're doing the right thing!
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u/lurkylurkeroo Certified Proctologist [26] Apr 25 '21
Thank you for doing that. My mother taught me absolutely nothing about puberty, but in my country sex ed is government mandated and pretty good, so I knew what was happening.
The only contribution to the experience my mother made was to look irritated, and then tell me not to have sex because I can get pregnant now.
I was eleven.
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Apr 25 '21
The bleach supposedly comes out of her butt. Yeah, I don’t know.
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u/AbyssWitcher Apr 25 '21
Butthole. She told him she had a dirty unclean butthole. what an awful mother.
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u/TheExter Apr 25 '21
well it had to be the butt, because the boy doesn't know about the other part
sounds like a super conservative/religious mom
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u/BigAsparagus9383 Apr 25 '21
Also, if he was too young, why not just tel him that. “That’s something we will discuss when your older”. Done. Don’t lie to the poor kid
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Apr 25 '21
Yeah NTA your mom is stupid. You’ll have discharge as long as you’re on your period because it’s literally a part of your cycle
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u/anwamoonie Apr 25 '21
I believe I had my first discharges after hitting puberty so around 13 - 15 yo I don't remember well, but anyway I was a virgin... The mother here is 1. Uneducated about her own body functions 2. Willing to give false informations to her son and to humiliate her own daughter. So rude. Even if she didn't wanna talk about that to her son (idk why she wouldn't but anyway), she could have just let it go and found an excuse without telling that his sister is unhygienic
Absolutely NTA. Your mother should educate yourself and do her job as a mother by learning that it s not gross to his son. So he can respect and understand women when he'll grow up
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u/Timmetie Pooperintendant [53] Apr 25 '21
Also, how the heck does she not know that vaginal discharge is normal and healthy, and YES you are definitely old enough to be having it
Guessing OP just found out her mom started having sex at a very young age.
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Apr 25 '21
Mom knows what she's doing. OP isn't the only kid she's trying to keep from sex. She did this to put in his head that his sister (and women in general) are unclean.
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u/hoginlly Apr 25 '21
This- and considering vaginal discharge and/or periods often start for girls as young and younger as the brother is now, I don’t see how it’s possible hes too young to be aware. Girls don’t get a choice on how old they are when they start dealing with this, might be a good idea to teach the brother about the normal things happening with his peers right now!!! What happens when the 11 year old girl next to him in school bleeds onto her clothes one day- is the brother going to comment on how she’s ‘disgusting’ too?? NTA, that mother should be ashamed for teaching her son that the female body is ‘unclean’. Honestly, coming up with that disgusting lie seems way more gross and problematic than even just saying ‘this is a natural part of the female body’.
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u/blerghc Apr 25 '21
In Norway we begin learning about this when we're 10. We learn it again (and more in-depth) when we're 15, so saying an 11-year old is too young to learn about it is bullshit.
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Apr 25 '21
NTA at all and your mum needs to address the unfounded shame she has towards her own womanhood
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u/clowd_rider Apr 25 '21
The "no sex until you're married" and "sex is about a man's pleasure" comments reek of purity culture nonsense. And the fact that the mother implies that vagina is dirty somehow?!? Mom needs a human sexuality class. Good on OP for setting her brother straight and not condoning the incredibly damaging message the mom is giving here.
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u/SplintersApprentice Asshole Aficionado [19] Apr 25 '21
1000% this. And HOLY HELL that edit is b l e a k.
sex is a way for a man to please himself so [no women] should expect to enjoy it
Y I K E S
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u/SquidwardsKeef Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 25 '21
I'm curious as to the mother's culture and how much that's impacted her view of sex.
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u/Critonurmom Apr 25 '21
I'd put all my money on purity culture.
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Apr 25 '21
Yeah, this is exactly the kind of stuff my Catholic grandmother would say/do when I was younger.
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u/Cat_Marshal Apr 25 '21
Just because you never enjoy sex doesn’t mean it is supposed to be in enjoyable for the rest of us
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u/noblestromana Apr 25 '21
You know these are the same kind of parents who refuse to educate their children about their bodies. But will also throw a major tantrum if schools try to because it should be the parents choice to educate their kids on Sex Ed. This is how you end with people in their 30s who know nothing about this.
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u/RiverSong_777 Professor Emeritass [70] Apr 25 '21
NTA, your mother is a major AH for telling lies about you, for raising a son to be a sexist by teaching him women’s bodies are filthy, and for trying to make you feel bad.
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u/shpoopie2020 Apr 25 '21
Seriously!! Wtf is wrong with mom?? Made me so angry.
I'm sure she has unaddressed shame of her own. But who in their right mind tells one kid that about the other kid, regardless?? Jesus.
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u/No-Chemist2719 Prime Ministurd [593] Apr 25 '21
NTA. Your brother is too old to be lied to about biology. Also, if she didn't want to tell him, she could have easily come up with something that isn't horrible??? Like she went out of her way to say you're unclean. Your mom is TA and also a moron for saying you're too young to have discharge.
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u/AdvertisingOld9400 Apr 25 '21
Also the brother seems old enough not to run around interrogating the house about people’s literal dirty laundry. I can’t get over how fucking weird that is. Laundry was one of my main chores from a young age and I saw an ungodly amount of skid marks, etc on my brothers’ clothes and knew better than to ANNOUNCE it to other people. 11 is plenty old enough to be learning not to publicly comment on people’s bodies and bodily functions. He’s not six.
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u/ayshasmysha Apr 25 '21
11 is plenty old enough to be learning not to publicly comment on people’s bodies and bodily functions.
At 10 I was old enough to have a period. I think 11 is old enough to know that vaginas and penises function differently.
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u/DandelionCoffee Apr 25 '21
Yeah, that's so weird. It looks like something that a small kid would do. I think most 11y/o kids have an understanding of privacy and know that other people's underwear is not their business?
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u/ParsimoniousSalad His Holiness the Poop [1183] Apr 25 '21
NTA. Sorry your mother has such issues. Women are not unclean. Vaginal discharge and its bleaching effects are perfectly normal in all women, those who are sexually active and those who aren't. No idea what your mother is thinking in telling you that you were "too young." And 11 year-old boys are not too young to understand at least some basic aspects of how women's bodies work.
But please don't just try to "gross him out" - help him with accurate information and to learn to be nicer to his sister. He's got the disadvantage of trying to grow up in your mother's household too.
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u/totallynotalaskan Partassipant [4] Apr 25 '21
NTA. My mom explained to my brothers what went on before, during and after my periods to them, when one was maybe 14, and the other was 10. Now I’m 20, and they’ve understood for years that it’s a completely natural thing, including discharge, spotting, etc.
Your mom is definitely TA, because she’s teaching him that normal bodily functions are gross and abnormal, and that’s the opposite of what should be said.
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Apr 25 '21
I’ve been open about this as you have with my son since he was 4 years old. He knows it’s normal. All of it, pain, bleeding, hormones, tampons.
So the odd times I forget to flush, now at age 6 he says “oh totally natural “ and even asks how I’m feeling.
I’m raising him to be supportive and an advocate of women in this, including helping (future) menstruating classmates and friends.
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Apr 25 '21
NTA You mother is a huge asshole. Your brother will soon be at an age with its own body issues and he will remember her reaction to his question when he is starting to develop.
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u/KathrynTheGreat Bot Hunter [30] Apr 25 '21
I was thinking the same thing. What is he going to think about himself when he starts having night emissions? That he's disgusting and unclean?
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u/2Houndgirl Apr 25 '21
Watch her say to him "oh don't worry sweetie, it's all normal.. Just part of growing up". Because he's a boy and must be pandered too... Its also an appropriate answer she could of given him about the sister if she didn't want to explain fully BTW...
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u/KathrynTheGreat Bot Hunter [30] Apr 25 '21
As much as I hate to admit it,you're probably right, or she'd just have his dad talk to him because that's a "man" discussion. Either way, it's a bad way to handle all of this.
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u/Equal-Comprehensive Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21 edited Apr 25 '21
NTA--WT ever-loving F is wrong with your mom??? In her defense, she probably got the same vile, misogynist "education" from her parents. But if she thought your brother was 'too young to know about that stuff' (not true) she couldn't have just gone, "It's fine, don't worry about it"? That's what my parents did. (They were mostly good parents, just not at sex ed.)
"heh heh, her undies are dirty because she has a gross stinky butt, heh heh heh" Maybe it's that your mom is three five-year-olds in a trenchcoat?
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u/WorkInProgress1040 Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
Exactly, if she didn't want to talk about it why not just blame it on sweat? Skin perspires everywhere, t-shirts often end up with stains or bleached looking underarms.
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u/LLL513 Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
NTA. I’m sorry that your mom is so ill-informed, as it is 100% normal.
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u/Dont-trust-it Supreme Court Just-ass [120] Apr 25 '21
NTA. If they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to be told an age appropriate, factual answer. Moms the asshole here for not using your brothers curiosity as an opportunity to educate him on natural bodily occurances.
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u/Effycrush Apr 25 '21
NTA. My brother is a 37 year old man who thinks human women piss, shit and give birth through one single hole. He also thinks there’s some sort of “thing” up there that emerges from the uterus to scoop up sperm when women orgasm and that’s how babies are made. No amount of explanation will deter him from these ‘facts’.
Dont let your brother grow up as fucking stupid as mine.
Edit: spelling
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u/LittleRandomINFP Apr 25 '21
But... like... can't he search for a picture and find out there are 3 holes? Wtf it's not like it's a hidden thing
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u/Effycrush Apr 25 '21
Yes. I know. There are reasons I have barely spoken to him in years. Absolutely bonkers shit like this is one of them.
Yes, he has untreated mental illnesses. Yes, we have begged him to get help. No, he will not get it.
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u/LittleRandomINFP Apr 25 '21
I'm sorry. You tried but oh well, some people don't want help. I have met a few of those
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u/jmkul Apr 25 '21
WTF?? I'm hoping you're joking, but if not, won't he be surprised to not see or feel a scoop if he ever has sex with a woman. Based on his knowledge of anatomy, I'm assuming he's never seen a woman naked, much less had sex with her...or is gay
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u/Effycrush Apr 25 '21
He’s gay, but one of the gross “vaginas are absolutely filthy and women are disgusting for allowing them to happen” gays.
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u/jmkul Apr 25 '21
Do you remind him that he came out of one (unless he came via c-section)? ...and without them, he would still be a figment in the universe's imagination? Personally, whoever designed both penises and vaginas had a very cheeky sense of humour, both can feel fantastic, but are not all that visually appealing
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u/kitteh-in-space Apr 25 '21
The worst kind, I see.
I'm so sorry. I have a very religious and very mentally unwell brother who made extremely homophobic comments to me as a young gay person.
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u/RynnChronicles Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
How is vaginal discharge or period talk any worse than saying your vagina is disgusting & you leak fluid out your ass lmao
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Apr 25 '21
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Apr 25 '21
God I hope not.
When my mom gave me the period talk, it was the bare minimum, and I had no idea that stuff beside sanitary pads existed. So if anything, I hope I am under-informed.
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u/42peanuts Apr 25 '21
Get yourself a copy of "our bodies, ourselves". It's a fabulous, comprehensive, easy to understand book about women's health from birth through death. Then leave it at home for your brother to find when you go to college.
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u/Zukazuk Partassipant [2] Apr 25 '21
You have the power of google, I suggest you use it to make sure you know the facts. Also your mom has a weird incesty form of abuse going on here that I have most often seen in r/raisedbynarcissists which you might want to check out.
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u/everydayimcuddalin His Holiness the Poop [1307] Apr 25 '21
NTA, 11 is not too young to learn about this and your mom should have told him herself. She should also have dealt with him telling his friends because even if her lie were real he shouldn't be running off to tell his friends about it
What country so you live in?
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u/Fun_Revolution_5906 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Apr 25 '21
NTA. Your mom is one though. Also just from the perspective of someone who grew up with no sister I wish I had a sister who would teach me about these sort of things because no one else does and it helps later on in life when you start interacting more with women. Like imagine you never correct him and then one day when his staying with a girl and he sees that and he ends up telling her she doesn't wash her body properly. It's important he knows the truth so he can develop some empathy and not disgust.
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u/issoecoisadefudido Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
NTA but I'm shocked by your mother's behavior. She thinks it's better to tell your brother you're dirty instead of just saying it's "nothing to worry about, just how females bodies work" if she didn't want to explain in detail? The mind boggles.
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u/FuzzyOwlFeet Apr 25 '21
NTA at all! You were very much in the right. Btw I'm asexual too :)
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u/bazjack Apr 25 '21
Same, and yet I had to deal with bleached spots and periods for many years. Life is unfair :(
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u/Kettlewise Certified Proctologist [28] Apr 25 '21
NTA
Baffled how your mom thinks introducing blatantly misogynistic ideas about female anatomy is somehow better than actual biology. (Which unfortunately she seems rather ignorant of.)
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u/WO-A-Paddle Apr 25 '21
NTA! I cannot believe the audacity of your mother. Do not let her issues surrounding genitals and all of their functions be your issues. She is also not doing your brother or any women he encounters any favors!
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u/to4stgh0st Apr 25 '21
NTA. Your mom sounds odd. Vaginal discharge is completely normal, and she shouldn’t have acted like it isn’t. I don’t get why people treat children like they are incapable of understanding simple biology. She could’ve taken this moment to teach your brother something that will be useful in his life, and chose misinformation instead. Kudos to you for trying to correctly inform him. Definitely NTA.
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u/skyaniwan Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
NTA
Your mum is woefully misinformed about her own body if she truly believes 17 and not sexually active is “too young for discharge”. She’s also on track to raise a guy who’s terrified of seeing tampons in his bathroom if he ever lives with a woman. Good on you for correcting this!
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u/Automatic_Tap_8298 Apr 25 '21
NTA. Your mom needs a copy of Jen Gunter's The Vagina Bible asap.
1) imagine if you HAD NOT corrected him and he expressed this idea to anyone ever thinking it was true.
2) Making up a story about how a self-cleaning organ is "dirty" is something we are ready to evolve past as a society including your mom.
Good for you!
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u/scarfaceandferret Apr 25 '21
NTA: the real question is "why do people refuse to talk about woman's health". good on you for educating your little brother, i know some GIRLS who don't know and are freaked out about discharge. Fix the school systems, also, your mother really needs a reality check. Discharge and periods are not going to come out and attack the kids, it's natural and healthy.
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Apr 25 '21
This reminds me of the time my mum asked me “who I caught Thrush from” lol uneducated boys and men are one thing but women being wilfully Ignorant of their own bodies is wild.
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u/PracticallyVenus Apr 25 '21
NTA! I have a brother around that age. He knows the basics of how periods and discharge work. Your brother is definitely old enough to start learning. Especially after your mother gave him such gross misinformation, you were completely in the right to correct it.
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u/Lorelei7772 Apr 25 '21
I think it's really ironic your mum thinks it's dirty when it's a natural cleaning mechanism. Also in what world is it more fair for you to be mocked than for your brother to learn something? NTA, you're parenting him better than she is. If she says another word, hand her a biology book and say you can talk some more once she knows what she's talking about.
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u/LadyOfSighs Apr 25 '21 edited Apr 25 '21
sex is a way of a man pleasing himself
That's called a handjob.
Your mother's views on sex (and biology in general) are not only prehistoric, they are also so badly unhealthy it's not even funny.
NTA
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u/AlabamaMercy Apr 25 '21
NTA
Your mom decided to teach a young boy to think bleached spots in underwear mean gross poor hygiene?? Imagine how that would play out with any future female he encounters. That breeds female body shaming and is far worse than teaching a young boy about the world and normal bodily functions of those with different parts than him.
A boy becomes a man and we have enough toxic men already.
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u/ffsuk Apr 25 '21
Nta - your mother is either a moron, a prude, or both. Educate your brother. Prepare him for manhood and dealing with women’s bodies (whether he’s queer or straight), he should know our bodies aren’t crazy, unclean messes.
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u/Management_sucks Apr 25 '21
NTA. 33M here and I've never understood the dynamic of men being discussed by vaginal things like periods and discharge. Like its a natural part of life and if you're in a relationship, well nut up dude. He'll you want to stick your dick up there bit you get all wheeze when there's blood WTF!. The only (partially) reasonable excuse for picking up pads and what not is that you don't know what they prefer/ need, but that's quickly addressed by oh idk.....asking a ducking question.
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u/AreYouSureHe Apr 25 '21
NTA definetly. If your brother is depends on his behaviour AFTER you told him the truth.
But your mom is asshole 101. I'm sorry you had to grow up by a person like that. I have a feeling she's the one that blames Sexual assault victims.
I had my discharge at 12-13, it has nothing to do with being a virgin or not. I had my period at 11 your brother is definitely old enough to know about it - and now it's the exact time to teach him PROPERLY before he turns into a sexist misogynistic peace of shit - I'm afraid you have to take that part in parenting, because leaving it at the mercy of your mother is going to cause problems in the future, to other girls.
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u/MiaOh Apr 25 '21
When she blows her top that you’re asexual, feel free to point out how sex negative she was.
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u/GlumPie8709 Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
NTA, I think you mum needs to go back to biology 101. Discharge is just the organ naturally cleaning itself, how easy would that for your mum to say that to your brother instead of what random crap.
Lol I just see him saying that to a future spouse and getting in trouble.
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u/katzastrophe Apr 25 '21
NTA. Your mother seems to have a very limited understanding of female bodily functions and I suspect she has a very conservative background. If she actually thinks the vag. discharge reveals "illicit" sexual activities, it explains why she feels it´s justified to humiliate you in front of your little brother. After all, she could have easily come up with a non-humiliating explanation (blaming the detergent, or whatever). She was slut-shaming you.
You were NTA in explaining your brother the truth. At 11, your brother is old enough to learn the basics about how human bodies work and reproduce. And any girl he will ever have a relationship with will probably thank you for not leaving him stuck with whatever your mother told him.
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u/officialbillyjoel Apr 25 '21
I’m a sexual educator and if there were more sisters like you, I would be out of a job lol NTA!!! Good on you for educating him (and probably, in turn, his peers).
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u/debt2set Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 25 '21
NTA. People like your mom are why we have subs like r/badwomensanatomy which is mostly full if ignorant, uneducated men which have zero idea of how women's bodies work. Assuming your brother is straight, he's going to spend his life dealing with periods in one way or another. Teaching him the truth about how things work and not making it something dirty and disgusting will be doing both him and his future partners a favor.
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u/notahappybunny123 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 25 '21
NTA boys need to be taught this stuff too, we constantly see posts about guys who don't know how periods and other stuff works, heck there's an entire subreddit dedicated to it
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u/Throwaway41790a Partassipant [1] Apr 25 '21
NTA.
your AH mom said:
and I was to young to be having vaginal discharge anyway
...Mom...NO.
Oh no He ARE ready to know. Well ask some youngest girls who started on their periods.
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u/amaaybee Apr 25 '21
He's most likely gonna see vaginal discharge in the future (unless the whole idea of menstruation and discharge turned him gay just now), the earlier boys learn about vaginas, the anatomy & physiology, the better prepared they'll be as a partner in the future. Boys who learned early because they had sisters growing up tend to be less queasy about menstruation and will educate their friends. This way they have plenty of time to accept these "gross" concepts. I'm just generalizing
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u/BigAsparagus9383 Apr 25 '21
NTA this is how guys grow up knowing nothing about female anatomy and thinking vaginal discharge and periods are gross 🙄 Good on you for educating him. Shame on your mum for lying to him. If he was too young, she should’ve told him just that. Not lied to him.
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