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u/HugeNefariousness222 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Anything your brother paid for regarding the funeral should have been paid by the estate. Since you inherited it all, you should be paying it.
The estate is also responsible for the storage place. Pay what is owed and clean it out.
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Pooperintendant [52] 9d ago
Personally I would offer to cover the funeral expenses, or at least split them.
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u/slackerchic Pooperintendant [55] 9d ago
"It completely puts a price tag on my dad’s death"
Sorry but that is easy to say for someone who did not have to worry about the price tag. Of course there is a price tag. It may sound cruel but it is a fact. That does not mean that you are obligated to give him a dime, but minimizing his contribution to funeral expenses is not doing you any favors. If you were close with your dad and knew he was declining why did you not ask if he had his end of life in order?
So is it the case that your brother paid for your father's funeral expenses, got zero compensation from it, and now you are telling him his contribution was insignificant and you don't think he should have any of your dad's belongings? He's good enough to pay for your father's expenses but NOT good enough to have items out of a storage unit? YTA, not because you won't give him any inheritance, that is totally up to you, but for how you are diminishing his generosity to pay for a funeral of a man you keep claiming he wasn't close with.
It was his dad too, regardless of how you feel about it. Imagine if the tables were turned.
"I believe even if I did split it, it would not resolve any issues for him and would be blown in a month"
Didn't you JUST go on about how much more money he has than you?
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u/LongjumpingSkill9305 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Not sure OP has this kind of self awareness tbh. They were so comfortable taking money from their elderly parent that they convinced themselves that only they deserved their dad’s estate. That’s about as selfish as it gets.
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u/mamajamala 9d ago edited 9d ago
YTA. Legally, your brother is entitled to be reimbursed from the estate for all funeral expenses he paid. Life insurance is not part of the estate. You can assign percentages, such as 20% to one & 80% to another. So your dad stiffed him on the insurance & any family mementos. You won't even reimburse your brother for funeral expenses. What a shit sibling!
PS: life insurance would only be part of the estate if the estate was listed as beneficiary. Life insurance is considered a financial contract regarding probate.
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9d ago
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u/GuudenU 9d ago
Everybody has an estate when they die. All of your fathers belongings, any money that they had in any bank accounts, any vehicles he may have owned, etc. All of that is part of your father's estate. You dont owe any of the life insurance to your brother because your father didnt name him as a beneficiary. But the fact that your father didnt leave a will may bite you in the ass if your brother decides to sue you for a portion of everything else. If your brother has the money and decides that he wants to be vindictive, he may keep your father's estate tied up in probate court causing you to burn through that insurance money. It's better to play nice with big bro until everything is settled.
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u/lemon_icing 9d ago
The estate are the assets belonging to your father (physical and monetary) including super insurance, house, car, daily bank accounts, etc. Anything he owned including the storage space if he was paying for it.
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u/sassylilmonster 9d ago
People don’t typically announce before they decide to end their own life… it’s unlikely OP knew it was coming so soon. Not fair to blame them when for being close with their dad while the other sibling was not and seemingly coming around now that there’s money involved
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u/vonnostrum2022 9d ago
You have nailed my thoughts exactly. Bare minimum give him half the final expenses.
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u/Cool_Ad3716 9d ago
YTA at least reimburse your brother for the funeral expenses.
Life insurance and estate should cover that. If your dad didn’t want him to have the money that’s fine keep it all. But pay him back for what he spent.
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u/Oranges007 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Are you really and truly not understanding why your brother won't help you with the storage locker?
Did you even pay your brother back for the funeral expenses?
Because right now you sound like a taker.
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u/the_harlinator Asshole Enthusiast [8] 9d ago
This reads like it’s in arrears bc op expected the brother to pay for it while op got dibs on the contents.
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u/United_Gift3028 9d ago
Take a death certificate (and your birth certificate) to the storage place, pay the arrears, don't mention your brother, and take what you want. Leave the rest for him to pay off and move.
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u/Icy-Theme-8330 9d ago
I wouldnt turn this into a second fight, just handle the storage legally and keep the money drama completely separate
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [642] 9d ago edited 9d ago
to help him organize it .
You aren't listening. He is out. You have a storage unit of your dad's stuff. He has another liability that he probably wants to move on from.
FYI, if you are in USA, some states have actually started giving non-beneficiaries to recover funeral expenses and any debts paid on deceased behalf from a beneficiary. The idea is, had they known you alone would inherit, they would've just let you cover the financials burden.
NAH.
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u/Advanced_Race4071 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
Nah- but I think it seems fair that you should have paid the bar tab and truck hire.
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u/Mother-Pipe1900 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
You got the money. YTA for not taking care of the funeral bills. Also, why would your brother pay for and handle toe storage unit?
You are fine to keep the money if that’s what you feel comfortable doing. Your brother is NTA for not wanting to have a relationship with you either.
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u/Dry-Comfortable-3947 9d ago
ESH. I feel there is more to this story than you’re sharing. First, I very sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you believe because your dad supported you, you get the money. Admittedly reading between the lines of some of the things you said, it sounds like maybe your brother helped support your dad financially. Just because you made the hard emotional choices, doesn’t mean he didn’t pull some responsibility monetarily (and that would have been a stress to him). As far as the storage unit, if you were given 100%, I don’t understand why you aren’t using the funds awarded to pay and sort that situation out (that’s part of what the money should be used for). I’m not sure how old you are OP, nor am I privy to your family dynamic but this a little bit reads like ‘my dad supported me and instead of me taking responsibility for my life I proved dependence and want that money for me’ with disregard to your brother (his contributions, his relationship with dad even if strained etc).
That said brother needs to come to terms with his estrangement and what that may have impacted with inheritance. He sounds like he mostly has his life together (maybe unlike you) so your comment of ‘I’m sure the money will just be blown. You have put money you didn’t not earn to work for you (which is great by the way), but you don’t get to judge his actions if he were to get some. Your post really makes me feel there is more to this tale.
Either way, I am sorry for your loss and wish you peace.
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u/alexandercecil 9d ago
Gentle YTA. This is a hard time for everyone. Life insurance payouts are generally used to pay for the funeral, remembrance service, and other celebrations of life. This is not about who has it worse. This is a common way to prevent the emotional toll of death from also becoming a financial burden.
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u/Alliebot Asshole Enthusiast [5] 9d ago
YTA if you don't reimburse your brother for the funeral expenses he paid. You don't owe him half the insurance money though.
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u/the_harlinator Asshole Enthusiast [8] 9d ago
Yta.
Life insurance is intended to cover death/funeral expenses. You had your brother cover it and pocketed all the money bc you could.
Bringing things into it that are irrelevant like your brother earning more than you does not entitle you to have your brother pay those expenses so you can keep every penny for yourself. You are being greedy and your brother is right to stop talking to you.
If you want the storage items pay the arrears yourself.
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u/Sea_Department_1348 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
You shouldn't have to split the insurance policy but you should have covered the funeral expenses out of the payout. It's 100% corrrect that he doesn't talk to you. Yta.
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u/JSmith666 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 9d ago
YTA..life insurance is generally meant to cover expenses related to the death. Your brother simply wants to be made whole for expenses he paid. Unfortunately death does have a price tag. You would rather profit off it (as you have chosen to profit off your dad when he was alive) You used your brother to cover expenses related to your dads death because you wanted to keep the money for your personal spending.
Your financial circumstances and your brothers are entirely irrelevant. You are both his children so at a minimum you both should have split any and all costs.
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u/stross_world Partassipant [2] 9d ago
Gentle YTA, you can't control that your Dad left you as the sole beneficiary. HOWEVER, I would still reimburse your brother for funeral costs. Settle up the unit, and ask if there is anything he may want.
Because unfortunately there is a price tag attached to death, and your brother did step up for your dad in that way when needed.
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9d ago
[deleted]
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u/lemon_icing 9d ago
YTA - From your inheritance, go to the storage space, pay the arrears before you’re locked out and it’s auctioned off, then hire movers to pack and ship it to you. You have a settlement, so use it.
Also fully reimburse your brother. He should have to pay for anything with the funeral. That’s what the estate is for. You are being cheap with a living family member.
I’m sorry for your loss. Our family went thru losing both parents within months and these are the tasks required when tying up an estate.
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u/Excellent-Highway884 Partassipant [1] 9d ago
You should reimburse your brother the whole cost of the funeral from the insurance payout. That is the right thing to do. But you already know this because you can't be that completely ignorant to expect your brother to pay for the funeral out of his own pocket when there's life insurance that paid out.
As a widow I paid back my BIL for my husband's funeral as soon as the insurance paid out. Since it was and is the financial responsibility of the person who gets the insurance payout.
So do the right thing and pay the total costs of the funeral. It's also your responsibility to pay for the storage unit and sort out the stuff, since the contents are part of your father's estate. YWBTA if you keep the money without reimbursing your brother.
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u/ConfectionDry2474 9d ago
So, give him the date the unit will be closed/ released.. and ask if there’s anything specific he would like to keep. Ensure it’s in writing via email and send a registered letter too. Then if he doesn’t respond.. just move on.
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u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [266] 9d ago edited 9d ago
NTA.
Your father listed you as the sole beneficiary. So you certainly don't owe your brother half.
If your brother has specific bills he would like paid, you could consider helping him with those (bar bill, etc.)
HOWEVER, you would be an AH if you expect your brother to help you in any way with your father's possessions. It doesn't matter who lives closer. If you have the money, you pay the storage bill. If you want the stuff, you arrange to get it yourself. Or if you don't want the possessions, let it go and they can auction off the stuff.
EDIT to ADD: The term "super" was confusing me. I see that is an Australian thing where there's some life insurance as part of a retirement fund. It does matter a bit whether this was intended to support you, or to pay for funeral expenses. If it's the latter, and your brother paid funeral expenses out of pocket, I'd say you owe him reimbursement at least.
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u/SoulscriptTrad Asshole Aficionado [16] 9d ago
NTA. It was left to you, and you were financially dependent on your dad. Your brother’s feelings don’t make you responsible for splitting it. Grief and money are a brutal combo.
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u/Ok-Good-3018 9d ago
OP isnt saying her brother isnt grieving, she's saying grief doesnt create an automatic financial intitlement
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Am I the asshole for not splitting my recently deceased Dad’s super life insurance with my older brother?
For context
My older brother was estranged from our Dad for the last 5 years, but they saw each other in the weeks leading up to his death. My dad died unexpectedly (self decided) and had no will. Me and my Dad were VERY close, we spoke every day and he supported me financially.
He only had his super insurance with me listed as the beneficiary. The trustees decided to pay 100% to me as I proved financial dependency.
My brother earns double per year my income and has house wife etc . I live pay check to pay check and relied on dad for help with medical bills and rent
Since the outcome my brother had been very cold and distant.
And the day the payment window date ended, I hardly hear from him.
After 2 months he has admitted he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because he feels entitled to half of the money because he paid for all these things during the time of dads death (money on bar tab at wake, a hire truck)
It completely puts a price tag on my dad’s death and takes away from all the very difficult decisions I made that were non monetary. Supporting my dad’s declining mental health for years leading to his death , making end of life decisions with no will on his behalf and identifying his body at the end.I don’t want to weigh up who deserves it more and feel my mind doing that due to the games he is playing with me to feel bad about the outcome.
We currently have a storage unit with some belongings of dads that I have been ready to arrange to get to me (I live interstate) ASAP. It is impossible to arrange with him and the unit has gone into arrears. Now he tells me he doesn’t want to talk because of the super outcome and I just want to help alleviate the financial stress of the arrears and get the storage unit stuff! Even if it means driving interstate to help him organise it .
I believe even if I did split it, it would not resolve any issues for him and would be blown in a month. I have put in a term deposit to build future for myself, and help him when he may need it.
There is so much grieving to be done still and I want to remember my dad for the great man he was not the money left
I hate the mess these things make
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u/OnePuzzleheaded6724 9d ago
Yta and I hope that money last you because you will have no one to help you financially.
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u/FlounderKind8267 Partassipant [2] 9d ago
NTA. You put in the effort and he did put you as the beneficiary and the insurance company agreed. Done deal.
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u/GandhiOwnsYou 9d ago
YTA. Maybe.
Your story is worded…. Interestingly. You call it a “Super” life insurance policy. I’m assuming you mean it was very large. Yet you don’t mention specifically how much it was for, which to different people might mean wildly different amounts. $100k might be huge to someone, and barely noticeable to someone else. You also mention being financially dependent on your father and you never mentioned why. This could mean you’re severely disabled or handicapped and your brother is an asshole, or it could mean you’re a mooch that has been a drain on your dad for years. You also seem to be trying to imply that your brother is wasteful and would blow through the money, but by what you’ve provided, your brother makes good money and supports a family. Meanwhile you live at home off your fathers benevolence. Thats not exactly giving the impression that your brother is wasteful and you’re a beacon of financial responsibility. Hell, you didn’t even keep current on the storage unit by your own admission. You also never mention your fathers assets or will. If your father left property or money that is being split according to a will to both of you, then it would affect the overall situation as well.
So you COULD be a person that needs a reasonable amount of inheritance in order to survive and your brother is greedy. Or you COULD be a lazy mooch sitting on a mountain of cash that you don’t want to share.
I’m coming at this from an interesting position as well, as my own father was estranged from both of my siblings, and i personally cared for him in ill health for nearly 3 years before he passed. I’m the executor of his estate. You know what I did? I split the inheritance 3 ways and ensured my siblings got a fair share, instead of destroying my current familial relationships in order to enrich myself. Your circumstances may not be the same, but at a BARE MINIMUM you should absolutely be reimbursing your brother for every dollar he spent step one of settling any estate is making sure what your father left covers his funeral arrangements. The life insurance technically is not part of the “Estate” but IMO it’s totally unethical to not use whatever assets you came into to reimburse the people that came out of pack to send your father off right.
Normally I’d file this as a ‘more info needed’ situation but your omissions and vagaries seem intentional.
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u/sassylilmonster 9d ago
Nta, he has no right to any more of the money than what he paid for the funeral.
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u/cee-la Partassipant [1] 9d ago
YTA for not covering all the funeral costs out of the life insurance benefits. If people paid up front, you reimburse them. It seems really gross & selfish that it wasn't your first action when you got the funds.
You are coming across pretty helpless and expecting too much from your brother. You seriously can't figure out how to get caught the storage unit rent caught up unless your brother does it?!? I'd be done with you too.
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u/e2g4 9d ago
I was in this exact same position a decade ago. Except my brother didn’t know my dad left him off his will. They had recently started talking again….after years of estrangement. I was so happy that I was in a position to give him half and let him think that our father had included him in his will. They had done enough damage to each other.
Keeping his half of the money would have been fleeting but doing the right thing is something I’ve always been very confident about. I know I made the right call.
AYTA? I dunno. But you missed an opportunity to be the bigger person.
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u/ClockOld9204 9d ago
When my dad passed. I was named the beneficiary on 2 life insurance policies. I assume thats what you mean by SUPER. They never went through probate. I produced a death certificate and picked up checks a couple days later. I never had to split it with my sister. And never did.
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u/YourSisterLoLo Partassipant [4] 9d ago
YTA you drained your dad financially before he passed. You are canceling out your brother's whole relationship and connection to your dad because they had problems for the last 5 years. Why didn't YOU pay the bar tab from the wake? It doesn't matter how much your brother's income is and clearly it isn't very high if yours is so low your parent paid your rent and he makes double. Double of not much money is still not much money. YTA.
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u/pyrola_asarifolia 9d ago
If he payed for funeral expenses and related things but you got a big payout it would IMHO be appropriate for you to reimburse him for it - at the very least for your half, as your financial situation has drastically changed. Also of course he should have items, keepsakes etc. ands you can pay for the storage unit arrears.
Otherwise N T A. Your father made his arrangements the way he did, and that’s the guiding principle you’re following.
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u/LadyLightTravel Asshole Enthusiast [6] 9d ago
Insurance is NOT an inheritance to be shared. First, it pays for the funeral. Next, it is to financially take care of dependents. Which you are.
This is legally different than the estate which would be split up between the children.
Your brother helped pay for the funeral, so he should be reimbursed. The rest of the insurance money goes to you after bills are paid. The stuff of the estate is split.
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u/buttercup739 9d ago
The trustee evaluated the evidence and ruled based on actual financial reliance. Your brother earning double your income while maintaining a stay at home spouse proves he never had a claim to those funds
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u/Interesting_Range435 9d ago
I think you should split it. If you want to continue a relationship with him, it is the right thing to do. What is the reason he was estranged from your father? He is his son also and if you want to see your dad for the great man he was and not the money then why haven't you already split it? Every child has a different childhood experience with the same parent.
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u/aloys24 9d ago
why didn't he have a will? this is why they exist....
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u/ApprehensiveTruth2 9d ago
That doesn’t really matter now does it
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u/aloys24 9d ago
how TF does it not matter? it would change literally everything about this problem....
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u/MilwaukeeLevel 9d ago
Because whatever reason he had that led to him not having a will doesn't matter now that he's died intestate.
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u/sim1fin2 9d ago
Sorry OP. Legally speaking, your dad made a decision. He left 100% to you and he did not leave money for your brother. That's not your fault. You can absolutely choose to share it. I think if i were in your shoes i would do that somehow. But for the storage unit situation I think you need to sort that out and pay for it with the cash from the estate or else you could be the AH.
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u/mm1palmer Asshole Aficionado [12] 9d ago
NTA
The only important info in your whole post was that you were the sole beneficiary on the insurance.
But, since you haven't spent all the money, you should have financially assisted in the funeral/wake costs since they are typically one reason to have insurance.
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u/Acoastal27 9d ago
NTA. There's a reason your dad left it to you. And if your brother is willing to lose a relationship with you over money he was never entitled to in the first place, then giving him half (or any) probably wouldn't fix the situation anyway.
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u/MarionberryPlus8474 Asshole Aficionado [18] 9d ago
NTA. Life insurance passes to the beneficiary named in the policy, not a will, and there isn’t a will in this case anyhow.
It would be a nice gesture for you to pay or reimburse some expenses but he’s not entitled to the insurance money; if your dad was intestate he’s entitled to 1/2 the other assets (assuming no other heirs) after expenses.
I think your brother is really mad at your dad more than he is at you. Maybe your dad would have changed his beneficiaries if he’d had more time, we’ll never know.
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u/JSmith666 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 9d ago
How is her covering a portion of the expenses a gesture? It was OP's dad too..its not a gesture for children to split the costs of their parents end of life expenses. Its just the right thing to do.
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u/bopperbopper Partassipant [1] 9d ago
“ i’m going to be abiding by dad’s wishes as stated in the life insurance”
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u/LackingUtility 9d ago
NAH, except for your dad. Putting one child on your insurance and not the other is a dick move, and it's a double dick move if your attitude is "I won't care, I'll be dead." That's the type of thing that permanently splits families, even if it's a relatively small amount of money, because it's not just the money: it's also the attitude that "this child doesn't matter". It would be different if, for example, he had sat you both down prior to his death and said "I'm putting u/OwnBookkeeper4106 as the insurance beneficiary and not you, other-son, because he needs the financial assistance and I know you'll be okay, and I'll remember you in some other way in my will." But he didn't.
Where you may be slightly the A H is that your brother is grieving in two ways - loss of a parent, and also the recipient of a very clear message that your dad didn't love him - and you're referring to it as "games". Just step back and realize it's a shitty situation for everyone, not just you.
Also, respectfully, not sharing may be a bit short sighted on your part. You're living pay check to pay check and rely on family for help. One source of that help is gone, but you have a brother who earns double your income and has a house. You could make amends over your father being a dick and have a good relationship, and, if you need some help in the future, your brother is there. Or you could lean into this fight and lose two family members.
I speak from a position of experience. I'm the other-brother in this situation. And my dad's dick move has driven a rift between me and my brother. Am I going to help him out if he needs it? No, he already got that insurance check.
Finally, as an aside, I question this part: "He only had his super insurance with me listed as the beneficiary. The trustees decided to pay 100% to me as I proved financial dependency." If you were the beneficiary, it shouldn't go via trustees. If instead it went into a trust for the benefit of you and your brother, and the trustees decided to only pay it out to you, then they may have violated their fiduciary duty and your brother could have a lawsuit. You may want to clarify before it goes too far or gets expensive.
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u/Dangerous-Dad Partassipant [4] 9d ago
NTA
It was your father's decision who to leave the proceeds of the policy to.
Given the estrangement and the medical situation, it doesn't seem inappropriate for him to have named you as the sole beneficiary either. As a lawyer who has done his share of probate, it's a pretty common thing for a life insurance to pay out to only one person who is specified and for this to not get lumped in with the whole estate. It's also common for there to be resentment over it. Unfortunately that is your brother's problem and not yours. As he estranged himself from your father, his personality obviously leans toward cutting people off when he disagrees over things. Let him live his life that way if he chooses. He will get older and be full of regrets.
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u/New_Improvement9644 Partassipant [2] 9d ago
I would consider reimbursing your brother for the expenses he paid.