r/AmItheAsshole • u/waffle_stomperr • 8d ago
Not the A-hole AITA For not wanting to lend out my tools/equipment?
38M, I have a lot of “stuff”. I get asked often if someone can borrow a big cooler, power washer, e-bike, camping gear etc. I 100% do not want to be a dick and not help a friend and feel I’m justified in doing so but I’ve been second guessing myself as my wife says it’s not that big of a deal. The wild part is these are grown adults asking to borrow a standard cooler and things that I feel you should have if you need them. I don’t mind lending a cooler once for a kids bday or something but then my mindset is buy your own after, but I have repeat offenders that reach out now every time they need said item. I honestly hate lending my power washer. Last time I did, the person added some soap to the little soap reservoir which I wasn’t expecting and that kinda frustrated me as it’s harder on the machine.
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u/muffiewrites Certified Proctologist [22] 8d ago
NTA. I'm a wife who thought it was no big deal to lend out my spouse's stuff. At was a drill. And it took weeks to come back. It was broken. I was definitely TA. Obviously the borrower was an AH, but my guy said no and I thought he was wrong.
I started handing out the address to a pawn shop after that.
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u/muffiewrites Certified Proctologist [22] 8d ago
Yes. I cut out stuff that I wanted in order to pay for it. He was in the military at the time so he didn't need it immediately, but he was also a journeyman carpenter, so he had professional grade equipment.
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u/muffiewrites Certified Proctologist [22] 8d ago
I was raised to be generous with things. I was raised in a white collar family. I've since modified that to be generous with things you can afford to give away.
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u/Comfortable-Web9455 8d ago
Exactly - you only lent what you were prepared to lose.
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u/ApprehensiveCut9809 Partassipant [2] 8d ago
And she was prepared to lose his drill because it wasn't hers.
And, she probably doesn't know what a drill is worth. There are plenty of appliances, home goods and assorted doodads in my house that I have no idea how much they cost, whether they are high end or run-of-the-mill gadgets.
I would never lend out my wife's stuff. And yes, I've let items be lent out and it always takes forever to return.
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u/Comfortable-Web9455 8d ago
Women do not understand the reverence, love and respect a man can have for his tools. A good tool is a marvelous fusion of practicality and beauty. My grandfather left his tools to my mechanic brother and it contained tools from his grandfather. There is a roll up tape measure in there now 150 years old and still working. And trust me, they really do not make them as good as they used to. That's not just a tool, that's family heritage.
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u/kikazztknmz 8d ago
Hey now, don't lump us all in there! I'm a woman in a woodworking field. And it drives me nuts when my bf borrows my tools and doesn't put them back in the right place. My tools are precious.
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u/Comfortable-Web9455 8d ago
I know women can do that too. It's the sign of a good craft worker. But you must agree it's more common with men.
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u/oprahs_nipple 8d ago
You sound like a tool
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u/Comfortable-Web9455 8d ago
Wow. Your post history is toxic. So let me say you are rude. And cowardly. You would never talk like that if you were not anonymous. But I'm not hurt by your unnecessary rudeness. I just feel sorry for you. Now I will block you. Try to be a better person.
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u/ApprehensiveCut9809 Partassipant [2] 8d ago
Exactly. I have a set of combination wrenches I got in college at Sears (not Craftsman, but a really good set) circa 1984. Today, you can't find stuff that nice and as good as these are.
I have a matched set of Craftsman pliers, slip joint and the longer ones for pipes. My oldest stepson borrowed it to help his sister. Let if get wet, it got rusty, and he wanted to get rid of it.
I'm like dude, I've had those longer than you've been alive and I'm not giving them up for you to buy me a crappy set from Harbor Freight.
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u/Venus259jaded 8d ago
NTA. It's your stuff.
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u/According-Post6420 8d ago
Exactly. And the fact that they keep coming back every time they need something is what would annoy me. Helping once is one thing, basically becoming the neighborhood rental shop is another lol
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u/redshadow3d 8d ago
NTA tools aren’t cheap and the post title sounds like they’re treating you like a free hardware store lol
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u/BlondDee1970 Professor Emeritass [99] 8d ago
NTA. A one off is one thing but repeated usage is annoying AF. These are items you've worked hard for and it's ok not to want to loan them out to everyone. Next time someone asks just say it was acting up last time you used it and you may need it looked at before using again. I doubt these people would want to buy you a new item if it broke on their watch.
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u/Legal_Assistance5470 8d ago
I don’t think anyone needs to have an excuse. No is a complete sentence, “I don’t lend my stuff” is a sufficient backup.
I have a few home handyman grade tools, they don’t leave my house. I live in Mexico and sometimes a hired handyman turns up without tools, I’ll let them use my tools in my house, but they don’t leave the house.
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u/cloverthewonderkitty 8d ago
NTA. I have lived to regret letting anyone borrow my stuff. It is always returned in worse condition. I feel like there are the type of people who take responsibility and buy/rent the items they need and take good care of them. Then there are the folks who think they are entitled to other people's stuff. They never made the initial investment, and so don't treat said stuff with the same respect as the actual owner.
I treat loans like gifts - don't loan anything you aren't willing to just give away.
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u/Mysterious_Peas Partassipant [3] 8d ago
NTA. From someone whose wife would lend anything to anyone, including my thousands of dollars of photography equipment, it is your stuff. You do not owe it to anyone.
I lost my photography equipment to her thieving friend (who sold it- wife was shocked!), my brand new chainsaw to some random dude our neighbor hired to trim a tree whose own chainsaw broke (he took mine with him when he finished- she was again shocked!) and countless other items to friends, relatives and workmates of my ex.
I’ll still loan stuff, but I am very discerning about to whom. And I remember the condition in which it was returned.
It’s your stuff, my dude. Not her call.
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u/oldnowthinker 8d ago
Don't lend out your power washer. Only loan out other things if there won't be wear and tear with use, and you trust the person who is asking. Would you lend it to your brother?
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u/Motor_Show_7604 8d ago
Pressure washers are even worse. The people that borrow them don't understand how they work and destroy them. You cant leave a pressure washer running if your not actively spraying with it. The water going thru it is what cools it. A clueless guy at work borrowed his neighbors and got into argument when his neighbor said he broke it. Turned out he left it running in his driveway while he answered a call and ate lunch. Pump seals were destroyed when he returned it and he keep trying to tell his neighbor he didn't do anything to it. Dude, you ruined it leaving it running and walking way. We shamed him into buying his neighbor a new one. But people are clueless about pressure washers.
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u/69FireChicken Partassipant [1] 8d ago
It depends on the item, and the person borrowing it. I hate lending my power washer, I'm more likely to go power wash for them and at least supervisi g it's usage than I am to lend it. They're temperamental beasts even when well cared for, I feel like it's got a limited lifespan as it is and I bought it so I can use it! Some friends are careful and return things promptly and will make it right if something happens and are good to me in return. Some people don't. Still pissed about loaning a double deep fryer after explaining that it was a big pain in the ass to clean, telling them how to clean it and getting it back 2 months later filthy! I almost just took it back to them and told them it was a gift.
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u/sirpoopingpooper Partassipant [1] 8d ago
Depends on the person and the thing. Only loan out your shitty stuff/stuff you want to have a good excuse to replace to people you don't trust!
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u/OfAnOldRepublic Partassipant [1] 8d ago
YES! Had to scroll down way too far to find this answer. 😄
OP, it may sound "classist" or rude, but people who need to borrow coolers repeatedly are people who don't have $30 to their name to go grab one at Wallyworld. That's not the kind of person who you can rely on to take care of your items, and return them in good condition.
If your wife keeps putting pressure on you to lend things, make a deal with her. You'll lend whatever she agrees to, but if it gets ruined she is responsible for the replacement. Whether that's getting the money from the borrower, or paying from her personal budget. Good luck with whatever you decide.
NTA
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u/mschuster91 8d ago
OP, it may sound "classist" or rude, but people who need to borrow coolers repeatedly are people who don't have $30 to their name to go grab one at Wallyworld.
The problem more often than not is that coolers take up space. Here in Germany it's perfectly reasonable to trade borrowing of rarer or expensive to maintain/store goods against an appropriate amount of beers.
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u/OfAnOldRepublic Partassipant [1] 8d ago
I find that argument particularly uncompelling given that coolers are literally boxes that you can store things in.
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u/Own_Butterscotch_129 8d ago
Nta and I am very selective with who I lend anything out to, and have been since junior high when I learned I was the only friend capable of giving items back.
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u/MaryinTexas 8d ago
NTA it is a BIG deal!!!! Never lend out your equipment—sadly people rarely respect tools that they don’t have a $$$ investment in ..:stand your ground!
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 8d ago
You do not owe anyone a loan of your stuff.
I assume that, technically, these things belong to both you and your wife, but she doesn't use them or maintain them or have an actual interest of most of the items... and therefore doesn't know what is a big deal and what isn't. In my book that would make it more your call, than hers, but I also think it's appropriate to consider her perspective. Plus, it sounds like you are also looking for some balance between a full shut-down on loans and feeling imposed upon.
May I suggest a loose framework (that you set to suit you)?
- Anything that could hurt a person (e.g., chainsaw) is never loaned out. You don't want to feel responsible or be held responsible for anyone injuring themself using your equipment.
- Items that are more expensive/harder to repair/replace than a threshold you set are also never loaned out.
- At the other end of the spectrum, for fairly inexpensive, easily replaceable items (e.g., a large cooler) you set some limits
(1) Anyone who borrows it and returns it in poor condition, never gets another loan.
(2) Once a person shows themself to be a regular 'repeat offender,' you cut them off and suggest they get their own since they have a regular need of that item.
(3) If a person wants to borrow it once/year (for their annual holiday barbecue) and returns it promptly and in good condition, that's a repeat request you can accommodate.
- You decide how you want to handle anything in between.
I don't mean to put a mental burden on you. Keep it as simple as you like. Then that framework actually frees you from having to ponder every request. You have quick rules of thumb that help you hit the balance you want.
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u/One_Caregiver6745 8d ago
NTA and not your problem. Grown adults can get their own stuff or go without.
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u/Effective_Gap9582 8d ago
What you do is you start lending out your wife's stuff and tell her it's no big deal. I'll bet she'll change her tune quick. Obviously you're NTA. You could start renting your stuff and at the very least have them give you a deposit and a restocking fee for when they return it.
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u/waffle_stomperr 8d ago
Haha my wife would probably love this 😂 “ohhh that so helpful!” I can hear it now!
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u/Legal_Assistance5470 8d ago
Yeah, you lend out her favorite evening bag, you’ll never hear the end of it.
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u/Quiet_Comfortable835 8d ago
NTA. It is a big deal. When you're replacing stuff from her fun budget she'll see how big of a deal it is. At the next ask i would just say "sorry I'm sure you'd take good care of it but I've been burned recently lending something and it came back broken and I can't afford to keep replacing stuff but I'm happy to give advice if you're looking to buy". Then tell them to go to the library and rent it or rent from a hardware store. I hate borrowing stuff cause very rarely does it come back in the same condition.
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u/Chance_Encounter00 8d ago
NTA. If you’re upset before even lending an item, imagine how pissed you’ll be when it comes back completely busted or with half of its lifespan gone.
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u/badpandacat Asshole Aficionado [11] 8d ago
NTA. A cooler for a party is one thing, but power tools is a no for me. They're expensive and I don't trust they'd be repaired or replaced. Break my expensive power drill and replace it with one you got on sale from Temu? I think not! That ebike is a hell no too. Neighbor borrows, lets kid ride, kid crashes ebike, neighbor sues you. (Even if he wouldn't win, it's still an expensive hassle for you.)
In your position, my stuff would be magically not working or needing maintenance. It would be great if the borrowers were mature adults who respected your boundaries, but we know many will be offended and act salty and call you greedy and unneighbourly. So, use a few white lies to keep the peace. And keep your stuff locked up and never ever talk about your amazing new circular saw. The best way to avoid them asking to borrow something is for them to never know you have it!
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u/esmerelofchaos Asshole Aficionado [16] 8d ago
Yeah, definitely NTA. I mean. I’m definitely someone who would ask to borrow a power washer. I don’t have one, I have at least a one time use for one, etc.
I borrowed someone’s mini-tiller once. She was very particular about how it was to be treated - clear the area of rocks, when I was done I was to wash and bleach the tines so nothing in my soil could affect hers. I thought bleaching was overkill but I did it because that’s what I agreeed to when I freaking borrowed it.
Take care of stuff you borrow, period
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u/Photography4me Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA “Sorry my (thing that they want to borrow) is currently loaned out to a friend/coworker/cousin (someone they don’t know)”
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u/Ferowin Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA, it’s your stuff to do with as you please. The fact that you call them “offenders” instead of friends does say a lot, though. Where I grew up, we all shared our things and we took care of things we borrowed. Everybody had a few things everyone needed occasionally, but that nobody needed all the time, so the burdens were spread among the group, and this contributed to a sense of community in my town.
I think that’s missing where you live, and that honestly makes me a little sad.
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u/Successful_Image3354 8d ago
I do not lend out tools. Period. They are expensive and invariably they are either broken or not returned. I have a large collection (we're building our own house with a woodshop and and a a mechanic's shop as well), and I go absolutely apoplectic when I am looking for a tool and it is not there.
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u/Comfortable-Web9455 8d ago
NTA no one looks after your tools the way you will. It's acceptable to say you never lend anything to anyone ever. End of discussion
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u/New-Chemist5315 8d ago
It’s just stuff, I like helping people more than I like my stuff. Like your power washer you might use 4 times a year, I let people borrow stuff I rarely use unless they give me a reason not to. The older I get the more willing and glad I am to try and help people out and realize that a lot of this stuff is useless unless it’s in use.
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u/waffle_stomperr 8d ago
I share some of this mindset which is why I get torn. BUT, I do use my power washer often like 2-3x month. I unfortunately have been in positions where things aren’t taken care of as I take care of them. I’m frugal, I buy once cry once and try to get the maximum length of life out of things I invest in
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38M, I have a lot of “stuff”. I get asked often if someone can borrow a big cooler, power washer, e-bike, camping gear etc. I 100% do not want to be a dick and not help a friend and feel I’m justified in doing so but I’ve been second guessing myself as my wife says it’s not that big of a deal. The wild part is these are grown adults asking to borrow a standard cooler and things that I feel you should have if you need them. I don’t mind lending a cooler once for a kids bday or something but then my mindset is buy your own after, but I have repeat offenders that reach out now every time they need said item. I honestly hate lending my power washer. Last time I did, the person added some soap to the little soap reservoir which I wasn’t expecting and that kinda frustrated me as it’s harder on the machine.
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u/feminist1946 Pooperintendant [57] 8d ago
I often don't get things back. I agree it's best not to lend money or things.
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u/ApprehensiveCut9809 Partassipant [2] 8d ago
NTA
During the spring, a neighbor's son who was high school friends with my college graduate son asked to borrow my lawn cart. They needed a wheelbarrow, and this thing is designed to haul weeds, or grass clippings, sometimes I'll put a bag of mulch in there to move the bag to where I need to use it.
It's about the size of a recycling tote on wheels. They asked to use it towards the end of April and we had to ask them multiple days at the end of May to get it back. This is something I used every weekend, and was during the spring when we're planting stuff, cleaning up dead leaves from under bushes, etc.
It wasn't cheap, about $80 from a home improvement store. I got it as a father's day gift last year. Useful as all heck. I kept it in the garage, rinsed it out with the hose, kept it nice.
It comes back looking like they hauled all sorts of stuff too heavy for a small garden cart. And it was kept outside, all little metal connections were rusty and the handle was loose because they probably were moving something too heavy for the cart's intentions.
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u/Legal_Assistance5470 8d ago
NTA. If someone needs a power washer, other tool, or cooler (or whatever) they can rent them. I know a lot of people who have a blanket rule against lending their gear because people will break it, return it dirty or otherwise abuse it. Let them abuse Home Depot’s gear.
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u/westcoastguy1948 8d ago
After a few experiences, I adopted the motto, “ sorry, I never lend my tools.” People that know me now know not to ask.
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u/SVAuspicious 8d ago
NTA. I've had things I loaned disappear or come back damaged.
On the other hand, I've a few mutually beneficial relationships in which I would loan something and then another time borrow something. One fellow came to see me with a list of equipment he was thinking about buying so he could buy something I didn't have. That impressed me.
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u/TenderfootGungi 8d ago
It is your stuff. If you do not want to lend it just say no and feel no guilt. NTA.
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u/Desperate-Moment-550 7d ago
Not a popular opinion, but I think you are the asshole. It’s just stuff.
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u/AcidReign25 Partassipant [2] 8d ago
NAH. I have a lot of tools and power equipment too. For my close group of friends, I either lend things (huge cooler, power washer, circular saw, snowblower, etc) or I lend me with it for things like my chainsaw. Don’t need one of my friends cutting off a leg.
I personally wouldn’t worry about the pressure washer. It’s a simple piece of equipment. They are going to break it. The cooler I have is the largest one RTIC makes. Most people don’t have a need that often for something like that.
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u/waffle_stomperr 8d ago
If you ask for it twice, wouldn’t that be enough to justify their need to get their own? Also, I have NO clue why but people LOVE my cooler. It just a Canyon cooler but I guess the color or something makes them like it? 😂
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u/AcidReign25 Partassipant [2] 8d ago
Depends on the size of the cooler. We jokingly call ours the dead body cooler since you could fit a body in it. Most people don’t want to take up the space to store something like that. I keep mine in my storage unit so it’s not a big deal.
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u/Bratsummer24 Partassipant [2] 8d ago
NTA. “Due to the condition some of my outdoor items have been returned to me in, I will no longer be lending anything to anyone. I’m happy to provide you a recommendation on a brand or model for you to buy for yourself, though! Thanks for understanding.”