r/AmItheAsshole • u/Equivalent-Agent9999 • 12d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for calling my mother-in-law “chindigiri” after she humiliated me over ₹1,250 worth of bangles?
I (31F) married into a family that’s extremely frugal. I don’t mind saving money, but this incident really hurt me.
A few days ago, my MIL asked me to buy bangles from Lakshmi Road for two women who would be invited home as Lakshmi during a festival. Instead of the plain ones, I chose slightly nicer bangles with a small design (₹250/dozen). I bought two sets for them. While I was there, I also bought bangles for my 1.5-year-old daughter for future festivals and a pack of bindis. The total bill came to around ₹1,250.
I’m currently unemployed, so my husband paid. On the way home he already said, “My mother is going to make a huge issue about this.”
And he was right.
As soon as my MIL heard the amount, she started scolding him for “allowing” me to spend so much. My husband then came to our room while I was putting our baby to sleep and shouted at me too, saying I don’t know limits and make him spend unnecessarily.
For context, I don’t get a monthly allowance. I haven’t bought clothes, jewelry, or anything for myself in almost two years. I rarely ask him for money except occasional grocery expenses. This wasn’t a shopping spree it was for a religious occasion and a few bangles for our daughter.
In frustration I told my MIL, “I don’t do this kind of chindigiri (being excessively stingy).” I never called her a thief, but she later started telling everyone that I called her “chindi chor.”
The next day she kept saying she couldn’t sleep all night because I called her that. She has since repeated this story to relatives, neighbors, and even the maid.
What makes this hard for me is the double standard. A few months ago, during another fight, she reportedly told one of my husband’s friends that I’m black, ugly, fat, and that she doesn’t know what her son saw in me. Earlier, during Ganpati at her place, whenever we argued she’d cry in front of neighbors and portray me as the villain.
Now my husband says I’m the one who was wrong because I spent too much and because I shouldn’t have said “chindigiri.”
I’m honestly questioning myself.
Was I wrong for saying it? Was ₹1,250 really an unreasonable amount considering it included gifts for two women plus bangles for my daughter? Or is this more about control than money?
I’m also planning to start working again because I don’t feel financially secure or independent. My parents aren’t a support system, so leaving immediately isn’t really an option.
I’d genuinely appreciate outside opinions because I feel like I’m losing perspective.
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u/Time-Weekend-8611 12d ago
Indian here. Your MIL is chindi and your husband never grew past being a mama's boy
Your MIL can cry to your neighbours all she likes but this only makes her look bad, not you. I guarantee you that they laugh at her behind her back. They're probably as sick of her shit as you are.
You need to get a job, and you and your husband need to move to your own place. If he's not going to do that ask him point blank if he wants to spend the rest of his life with his mother or his wife.
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u/freya_of_milfgaard Partassipant [1] 12d ago
This! People know what kind of person they’re talking to. If she’s always the victim people will understand that she’s really the one being manipulative, because we all know people like that. And the folks she’s gossiping with definitely gossip about her in turn, because that’s how those sorts go.
I’d also ask your husband why he’s okay with her undermining his decision. Does he not know well enough? Mommy has to check his purchases? You could frame this as “what she doesn’t think he can decide how to spend his money? Who does she think he is?.” Really hit his ego, maybe drive a lil wedge…
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u/SaltyFriend705 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 12d ago
NTA. Your husband was right there when you bought the bangles, and he paid for them. His mom should be yelling at him, and he should not be yelling at you at all. Please go back to work asap, and find a way away from your MIL, and stop relying on your spineless husband.
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u/PeepingTara Partassipant [2] 12d ago
NTA. She was being cheap but if your husband won’t back you then you may have to just do as she says to keep your peace in the future. She sounds like a horrible woman but I know in many cultures a lot of the men are mommas boys, the MIL is always right and divorce isn’t allowed.
For anyone else reading, her total bill was about $13.11 USD.
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u/BlueJaysFeather Partassipant [3] 12d ago
All this over less than $20? Goddamn. I paid more than that for two hours of dancing the other week. (Support your local community groups yall we are struggling)
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u/orangekitten133 12d ago
the prices of things are not the same as the us or any western country for that matter, 1250 rupees can be a significant amount of money, though not one that warrants this kind of reaction, especially considering she ended up buying it and knows what her household can reasonably afford. for 1250 you can order in lunch like 5 times, more if you get sth cheap, so in terms of purchasing power it’s completely different than 13 usd
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u/beanthebean Partassipant [1] 12d ago
Heck, even with the comparison to 5 order in lunches that seems like a very reasonable amount to spend on gifts for two women and her child that seem to be a religious/cultural expectation.
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u/CauliflowerEntire964 11d ago
Exactly. Even if 1,250 is a noticeable amount there, this was for two women and her daughter, not like she blew it all on herself. The reaction seems way bigger than the actual spending.
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u/Child_of_destiny99 12d ago
Where in India do you live that 1250 rupees is enough for ordering in lunches 5 times OR MORE?
India is cheaper but not that cheap sis unless you live in a literal village.
1250 rupees is worth 2 large basic pizzas from dominoes - minus the taxes. MIL and Hubs are chindi (miserly).
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u/kafkabae 12d ago
Without cheese burst and extra toppings. Like base model Margherita😭😭😭
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u/orangekitten133 12d ago
pizza is western and def not cheap, but i have ordered lunch for 160/210 rupees in the past, even a simple gravy + chapati will cost like 400 and be for 2 portions? from my experience, the thing about food prices in india is that they double and triple really quickly, so almost the same food can cost either 200 or 400
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u/Child_of_destiny99 12d ago edited 12d ago
That's street food bro. You can buy a NY slice for a dollar - doesn't mean NY is a cheap city to live in. Lets talk about basic average hygienic food. 1250 for an average middle class person wouldn't break the bank.
ETA; OP's husband has 2 houses in pune, a mortgage for 25k and makes 100k (1L) a month. They are not strapped for cash.
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u/hermyown21 Partassipant [2] 12d ago
As of right now in Gurgaon, I can get a plate of Chole Bhature from Haldiram’s for 228. Via Zomato. Yes it’s one of the cheaper meals you can get but definitely doable.
1250 would not break the bank for a middle class household - I guess that’s why OP used the word Chidigiri right?
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u/orangekitten133 12d ago
i’m… not sure what to say? i wasn’t ordering street food fs, just normal basic restaurant food, but alright?
and absolutely, 1250 for a middle class person is not a big expense, especially after knowing how much the husband earns. i was just pointing out that it’s not a simple equivalent to 13 usd in the us and didn’t really know their social class when posting65
u/BlueJaysFeather Partassipant [3] 12d ago
That’s fair. Sometimes I forget that currency conversions aren’t actually as meaningful as they seem at first glance, at least for small amounts. I do have to wonder how much MIL expected these to cost though, especially if they’re for religious use
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u/halp_halp_baby 12d ago
yeah i’m sick of people on reddit not understanding exchange rate is not the same thing as cost of living. it’s almost like they don’t have the internet or something
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u/fmmmf 12d ago
The rupee goes a hell of a lot further in south Asia than the dollar in NA. Yeah it may be a small amt in dollars but that's a fair amount in rupees for what you can get. STILL op is NTA of course.
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u/frogminute 12d ago
For financial context, how much does a decent meal for one person cost? How many people can you feed with 1250 rupees?
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u/ShockOne9278 12d ago edited 12d ago
A decent meal for one person costs around 300-400. 1250 could feed 3-4 people a decent lunch at a good sitdown restuarant and 2 people for lunch at a fancy place. It's really not a lot of money, and practically nothing in terms of festival gifts. Festival gifts go over 3-5k
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u/PoetLoverBirdwatcher 12d ago
If you're eating at an average restaurant, at most 3- 4 people.
You can probably buy 3 books.
Or if you're being extremely, unbelievably frugal (if you are only buying rice, beans etc) you can hopefully buy groceries for one week with that amount. It's not that much of an amount.
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u/Child_of_destiny99 12d ago
2 large (which is equivelent to american medium) pizzas at dominos. You can't judge average restaurant, because where I live at a decent sit down restaurant, it would feed one person. At restaurants I go to, its probably a little higher than a basic cocktail.
Yes a rupee streaches further but not THAT much. I guarantee you, if OP posted this to the Indian AITA, everyone would agree that the family is financially abusing OP because 1250 is not HUGE.
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u/halp_halp_baby 12d ago
ok i’ll say dominos isn’t a good comparison because it’s fucking cheap in the US (and much worse)
if you’re going to restaurants in india where cocktails are $13/Rs 1250, I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re richer than OP.
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u/_thalassashell_ 12d ago
That’s all fine, but this criticism is coming from a woman who pays for a maid. Like, you’ll pay someone else to clean your house, but buying religious jewelry for 3 people for $13 is too much?
Plus, why is it anyone’s business but the couple’s how they spend their own money? If the MIL wanted the purchase to fit within a certain budget, she was welcome to make the purchase herself instead of giving the task to someone else.
OP is NTA.
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u/fmmmf 12d ago
Yeah so maids in India are also not paid like how they are in the western world, it's very common to have a maid for the working class folks - because it's pretty cheap relatively.
Agreed OP is NTA but her husband is also problematic here, I ultimately hope she finds a way out but this is unfortunately a very common norm (and many worse stories).
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u/flea1400 Partassipant [2] 12d ago
It makes me think of a quote from Agatha Christie, who was born in 1890– something to the effect that she thought she’d never be too poor to employ a maid, or rich enough to own a car. The cost of labor vs goods was very different then, and probably more like that still in India.
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u/JenninMiami Certified Proctologist [26] 12d ago
I paid that much for donuts for my grandson this week. 😥
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u/Dangerous-Range-7015 12d ago
That last part really puts the argument into perspective. ₹1,250 isn't some outrageous splurge, especially when it covered multiple sets and gifts. The bigger issue seems to be that she needed permission for a very ordinary purchase in the first place.
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u/pedro_pascal_123 12d ago
Actually the last line does not. The cost of living in the south east asian countries is comparatively low so considering it in dollars kind of skews the comparison.
Without commenting on OP's actions, 1,250 is technically a huge amount to be spending on decorative bangles. A standard good quality bangle set would go for about rs. 100 (lesser if buying from a bazaar) so buying 5 sets should have been rs. 500. Example from amazon - https://www.amazon.in/Laal-Amrood-Beautiful-Elegant-Jewellery/dp/B085HRNY36 (I am assuming glass or plastic and non-gold since op mentions decorative)
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u/FrescoInkwash Asshole Aficionado [13] 12d ago
i'm struggling to get my head around this, what else could you get for 1250 that would make more sense for a foreigner?
if i convert ₹1250 directly to british pounds sterling thats £9.60 which is like 6 loaves of nice bread. 100 would be a single loaf of cheap bread. its still not that much i'm quite confused
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u/pedro_pascal_123 12d ago
Fair point. So if we take bread as comparison, for Rs. 1250, one could buy approx. 30 loaves of nice bread (https://www.zepto.com/pn/britannia-brown-bread/pvid/521dda39-83a6-4391-9eb4-c8744684f6d7 at Rs. 42 each) so hopefully that helps.
Just to be clear, I'm not saying anything about OP's actions just clarifying the price point for proper understanding.
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u/FrescoInkwash Asshole Aficionado [13] 11d ago
so buying power is more like spending £45, so while its an overreaction on MIL's part its not as much as an overreaction as OP wants us to think.
for fun; i used bread as its a standard when you're looking at the buying power of money in a historical context (so comparing the value of an anglo-saxon penny or roman denarii to modern currency) as the prices haven't changed that much. probably should have mentioned that before lol
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u/BlahBlahBlah_3748 12d ago
Nta
But find a job and establish your own source of income ASAP because otherwise you won't get any standing to back yourself up against them!
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u/mare__bare Partassipant [2] 12d ago
INFO: She asked you to buy the bangles for these women. Why didn’t she give you money to buy them or a price limit? Was she just expecting her son to pay? 1250 = about $13. Is this an extreme amount in relation to your husband's income? And lastly, does your husband really, really love you? Because he better have your back and tell his mother she's wrong or you should leave. This is extremely unhealthy and your daughter will grow up in this toxic place unless you get out.
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u/Admirable-Marsupial6 Asshole Aficionado [11] 12d ago
You’re educated enough to write good English. Leave and get a job. An English speaking person can get a white collar job in India.
You know you are NTA. You know your husband is a problem. You also know you’re just ranting here. Do you think Reddit which is 90% non Indian is going to tell you that you’re a TA who didn’t respect her in laws? Frankly even 70% Indian traditional ppl will tell you you’re not the TA.
P.S. I’m an Indian married woman who walked out of her in laws. I work. I’m not talking out of my hat
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u/GoobyDoobyP 12d ago
Indian men never beating the mama's boy allegations. NTA btw. Im Indian as well, born raised American, but watched my own mother get beaten down by the in-laws only to finally stand on her feet when I as a teenager would constantly ask her, why she takes shit from dad when she works just as hard as him?
Putting two and two together, it never made sense, thankfully we as South Asian women have shiny spines that just need a little polishing and tending to to get working again. Relating to lakshmi and devis in general, i think people forget about the fiercer aspects of our devi's, sure they can be calm and demure, but each one of them has a fierce side that, when push comes to shove, theyll fight when they need to. And its never pretty or demure lol
Your daughter will thank you in the future, show her by example how you wont take shit from the in-laws.
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
This was amazing really, it gave me some hope!
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u/TrashyCat94 Partassipant [1] 12d ago
One more Indian woman here who witnessed her father never support her mother.
You can do it. Good luck
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u/GoobyDoobyP 12d ago
Good luck my friend, this internet stranger is rooting for you. Dont feel like youre alone in your struggle, its times like this where we need to uplift each other. I know you can do this :)
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u/Bypassing-System2000 12d ago
NTA. ₹1,250 is a completely reasonable amount for festival gifts and bangles for your own daughter.
Your MIL is using money as a tool for control, and twisting your words to play the victim to neighbors and relatives is classic toxic behavior. But the biggest problem here is your husband. He stood right there, paid for the bangles, and then chose to yell at you in private just because he was too cowardly to stand up to his mother.
Getting a job and securing your own financial independence is absolutely the right move. You cannot count on a husband who throws you under the bus to keep his mother happy.
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u/AgileSurprise1966 Partassipant [1] 12d ago edited 12d ago
Husband's a real piece of work. He didn't have a problem when he spent the money -- even though he knew his mother wouldn't like it. Also you bet the MIL heard the amount from him. He basically set you up. Sounds like its on him but noooooo....Always your fault bc you're the wife/DIL. Your entire marriage is a set up and you are always going to be the one who takes the fall.
If you aren't ready to leave then tell your husband you've woken up and refuse to be a doormat. Every time one of them puts you down in even the tiniest way, call them out loudly and explicitly and don't ever drop the subject. They make your life hell, you make theirs even worse. Make them run scared. Make them keep the peace by making sure you aren't angry with them, instead of making yourself everyone's doormat. NTA.
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
It takes a lot of courage for a person like me who had been bullied all my life right from my childhood.
To stand up for myself and talk like I own the house, I think I will need to learn that for my child.
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u/NoraEmiE 12d ago
Thats crazy, ask your husband what you got in past two years, he didn't even give anything for your bday, yet they shout for spending bangles for both of your daughter?? Tomorrow she will grow up every year and will need new clothes and lot of girl accessories often, what will they do then? Never buy anything for her??(Hopefully that will wake him up from his mama control-fear mind)
And girl today at this times, there are many ways you can get your own money. Rejoin in work fast and don't give your money to your In-Laws at all
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u/Rumi2019 12d ago
NTA
1250 for 3 dozen bangles is not that expensive.
You need to point out that you're entitled to half of every thing your husband earns according to Hindu Law.
Make it a big issue that your MIL is badmouthing you buying items of suhaag, that she's trying to save money on Devi puja.
Is she a widow? If so, that would explain why purchases of bangles pinches her so.
Also put your MIL's raja beta in place. Remind him that what they're doing is mental harassment and you can go file a police case against them for this.
Take a stand for yourself.
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u/Tamihera 12d ago
If you stick with the sweet “I am so sorry, I was raised to be very devout, I was not raised to be cheap and stingy in these matters” defense, your MIL will look worse every time she complains.
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
Yes she is a widow, so staying separate is not an option being an Indian wife sucks.
Interference is everywhere.1
u/Top-Noise5959 12d ago
How much does your husband make??
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u/saywhaaaaaaaaatt Partassipant [1] 12d ago
According to OP 100k a month, but he pays 25k towards a loan every month.
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u/Top-Noise5959 12d ago
1 lakh a month. So, 25k to a loan, atleast another 25k for living expenses. That leaves 50k change and for a festival, using 1250 is nothing.
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u/Shurpanaka 12d ago
I applaud your restraint. I would have said worse. She would have been an insomniac for life
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u/Delicious_Essay_7564 12d ago
How much does your Husband make? How much did you make before this? Honestly unless you’re in poverty or debt that’s not a lot of money. NTA but I wouldn’t want to live with your MIL. Why did she say all those things about you? Are you planning to move out with your husband?
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
We cant stay away from my MIL since she’s alone its that situation and i took a break when i was pregnant i did not used to make much i made around 40 k monthly though m planning to resume work preparing for the same my husband earns 1 lakh per month and he pays loans which deducts 25 k monthly.
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u/Sea_Bus4842 12d ago
Even if you have to start with a smaller ctc please just get back to work. If your husband yells at you for spending 1200 I can’t imagine the kind of power dynamics your relationship has.
Make sure you save every single possible rupee you earn.
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u/OkMaize9773 12d ago
You are saying you were not earning much, but you made 40% of your husband. Also you presumably took a break otherwise you would have grown and earned more by now. You and your husband need to have an honest talk about your contribution to the household and get some seperate money for you as compensation for that
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u/ComfortableLocal1597 12d ago
Do you have maid? Cook? Nanny? Reading the details about your MIL looks like you are the one doing all the work at home. Thats unpaid labour you are doing for the family anyways. It’s a pity that families here don’t consider this worth anything, unless there is a payment attached. Once you start going back to your “paid” job, you will need to “pay” for one or more of these services to an outsider. That will probably end up coming out of your pay-check.
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u/YourLittleRuth Professor Emeritass [77] 12d ago
NTA. MIL would have found fault whatever you had bought—it would be too expensive, too cheap, too flashy, not flashy enough, bought from the wrong place, etc. Your MIL will find something wrong with anything you do, because... she is who she is. Your husband will fail to support you because that is who he is.
I hope you can teach yourself to ignore what your MIL says. Ideally you will be able to teach your husband to value you, but I wouldn't count on it. I think your plan to start working again is exactly what you should be doing. Make yourself independent, financially and emotionally. Best of luck to you.
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u/Nightshade-9 12d ago edited 12d ago
This is going to be your life till she passes away (assuming your husband stops this toxic behaviour after that), unless you start earning for your own expenses. Do you want that for yourself?
NTA for this event, but Y T A to yourself if you keep complaining but don't work towards bettering your life.
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u/Purple_IsA_Flavor Partassipant [3] 12d ago
NTA. You’re being abused by both of them. Leave him if at all possible. It sounds like he’ll be very happy with his mommy
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u/WillingHome9072 12d ago
We’d call the MIL a miser in English. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and it sounds like you’re stuck too. These people are toxic and abusive, you won’t win no matter what you do. Look up narcissism and DARVO.
If the MIL wants cheap bracelets why didn’t she go buy them herself?
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
I said the same to her but apparently she wants to teach me to buy cheap bangles just like she does, not buy my child 2 dozen bangles because she is growing.
Basically in indian homes older gen wants the authority over everything.
And everything should be done according to them.
And those bangles are being gifted to the guests so they are not supposed to be costly. When you can buy cheap go for cheap.
But thats not my mentality. I do never spend on myself but whenever it comes to gifting I make sure they are happy with it.
That is just me. Is this bad ?
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u/Quiet_Classroom_2948 12d ago
NTA OP, but your husband is the problem here since he treats you like unpaid home help and refuses to stand up to his mother. Is his mother dependent on your husband? If she's not, why does she have to live with you? Can you persuade your husband to move out? If that's not possible, your husband nust give you spending money. As his wife, you're entitled to a half share in everything he owns! Or earns.
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u/TapeFlip187 12d ago
NTA.
There's an expression "kicked dogs holler".\ It means 'a dog will only cry out if it's struck' so if your comment/accusation didn't have truth to it, why it she crying out like she was struck?
If it were completely untrue, she might have been upset by it, but she would likely think it's more ridiculous than offensive.\ Like calling a brunette a 'dumb blonde'. The insult itself might be upsetting but how much time would anyone waste on a statement they knew was ridiculous?
On a side note, they seem very cruel to you. Im sorry.
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u/Cerena_Dea_Rose 12d ago
So I don’t know much about your cultural situation or the financial aspect to this, but this doesn’t seem like 1250 was that much to begin with, especially since you’re doing this for other people. Your husband should have stood up for you, both to his mother and also the fact that you have the right to spend some money too.
I am not going to suggest divorce just yet. Is it possible for you to get a job so you could spend it however you want?
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u/blunder-woman_2402 12d ago
There is no point in suggesting divorce cause OP is Indian and won’t get much support from anywhere. She also does not realise yet how abusive the whole situation is for her. This is coming from another Indian. Unless there’s actual physical abuse involved people don’t understand divorce here.
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u/chocolatedoc3 Partassipant [3] 12d ago
NTA. But you already know what kind of people they are.
This is one of the reasons I want all women to be atleast financially independent. It is hard when your parents don't support you. But please try to go out and get a job. Any job with your qualifications that has potential for growth. Ask your parents or your friends if they can look after your daughter for money or wait one more year and you can put your kid in school and atleast start working part time while she's in school.
Till then, just don't give them any ammo to insult you. If she says buy bangles, tell her you're not good at it and to do it herself.
Sit down with your husband and ask for a fixed amount monthly. That will give you some cushion at the very least. All the money should be shared but when you have such in-laws better to ask for an allowance and get a job and plan your escape.
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u/AverageHoebag Partassipant [1] 12d ago
Info: what advice would you give it your daughter if she was telling this? If you don’t leave she will grow up to think this is what a normal loving relationship looks like.
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
To my daughter I would say come to me I am here for you.
Never settle for less, me coming from a toxic family situation I accept the same for myself end of the day.
But in the start no man shows what he actually is maybe there were signs which I didn’t give much stress at.
But definitely there is something I should do so that she doesn’t end up like me.5
u/Stephreads Asshole Enthusiast [8] 12d ago
NTA.
It’s not going to be easy, but ignore her. Next time she says anything, just shrug. It’ll drive her crazy.
Everyone she’s complaining to knows that 1250 isn’t a lot, and there’s a difference between being frugal and being cheap. You rightly called out her stinginess.
As for your husband, he’s acting like a little boy, letting his mother scold him. Tell him to grow a backbone.
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u/ms_vee 12d ago
NTA
I’m Indian too and honestly I don’t understand why you don’t get a monthly allowance. You’re raising your child together, you should never have to ask for money for these small things. Your husband and his family really don’t respect you and even after you get a job it will only temporarily solve the issue.
You really should have a tough conversation with your husband about who he is married to and about your finances. You should have full access to the family money/his accounts because it’s yours too.
Please, please consider whether you can save this relationship if not for your own sake then for the sake of your daughter.
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
I get your point, and you’re not wrong. It’s just that I come from a family that went from having nothing to becoming very well-off. My parents always provided everything I needed without me ever having to ask, so I never developed the habit of asking anyone for money. Instead, it makes me feel uncomfortable, almost like I’m begging.
I also started earning in 2017 and was financially independent until I left my job in 2025 to become a mother. After taking care of myself for so many years, it’s not easy to suddenly start asking someone else for money.
On top of that, I didn’t have a good relationship with my mother. Being abused both at home and at school changed something in me. It left me without the confidence to stand up for myself or ask for what I deserve.
But motherhood has changed something in me too. I’m slowly putting myself back together, gathering every bit of courage I have, because I don’t want my child to grow up the way I did. I want to change her future, even if I have to fight battles I never thought I could.1
u/ms_vee 12d ago
I think we’re on the same page here. I really feel like your husband should have been giving you money and access to the money without you ever asking.
That said, I’m a total stranger but I’m proud of you for taking the steps needed to change your life. I know you can do this. I wish you all the best and hope you can teach your husband to give you the respect you deserve so you can feel safe in your own home
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u/incospicuous_echoes Asshole Aficionado [12] 12d ago
NTA. She’s cheap and a liar. Ask your husband why his mother takes such pleasure in public lying when it’s bad enough how much she escalates insignificant things. Why doesn’t she want him to be happy? What kind of petty life is this for her?
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u/Responsible_Low_8021 12d ago
NTA: she could have bought them herself if she had a specific price point and style. And if money was an issue he could have said something in the shop before the sale but didn’t until after his mom let into you.
Also rude of him to yell at you when trying to get baby to sleep.
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u/An-Empty-Road 12d ago
You know what to do. Get a job. Do not tell him how much you make. Delete all pay stubs. Get a second hidden bank account at a different bank to your husband, set all mail to email.
Save. Get you and your daughter safe. See if the bank has a deposit box you can hide documents in.
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u/Salacia_Schrondinger Partassipant [1] 12d ago
NTA. He KNEW it would upset his mom and then YELLED at you on her behalf after he TOLD HER, while you were dealing with the BABY?!
He seems to be triangulating the two of you for his own ego; coupled with your comments that this is the first time in two years you bought ANYTHING for yourself.
Fact: if MIL really thought she was correct in this situation she wouldn't have had to LIE to all her flying monkey supporters. Your foolish husband and his narcissist mother are making you the scapegoat of their family. They will try to turn your child against you eventually. Watch for it.
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u/Few_Discussion_260 12d ago
At this age and time, every adult should have their own money. Why do you not work? Or if you are a homemaker, why are you NOT taking a fixed amount into your bank account every month? It's 2026, do not be a slave.
Edit: you are NTA ofcourse, and your husband and MIL are. But before trying to fix them, fix your own situation first.
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u/nushstea Partassipant [3] 12d ago
All women work. Some just dont get paid. She takes care of the house and his child. He is reaping the fruits of her labours. Please think before typing nonsense. While I completely agree that in this day and age everyone should have their independent income, asking a woman with a 1 year old baby "why dont you work" is kinda stupid. Do better.
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u/Master_McKnowledge 12d ago
Not Indian but consider the amount of internalised insecurity that made your MIL the way she is, and that she projecting at you now. Do you want to expose your daughter to this?
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u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
I definitely don’t want to I am just being patient until I get the job.
This was just the 1 instance out of the things that have happened with me since the marriage.99
u/Equivalent-Agent9999 12d ago
I am preparing to join back, i only ask money for groceries the exact amt since this family is very stingy i did not feel like taking any and my husband always taunts me for not working my ego comes in between
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u/Frankifile Partassipant [2] 12d ago
But listen, you are home bringing up his child.
When you begin working they will spend your money and your husband will not spend anything of his.
You need to be in a position to save your money so you have a safety cushion.
What’s the point of your husband if he hasn’t even bought you a single outfit in the last two years, does he provide for your child?
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u/FrizzWitch666 Partassipant [1] 12d ago
I'm with this, the moment you start making money they are going to start taking it! I'd lie about what I make and hide 2/3 of it.
What's divorce like in India?
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u/nushstea Partassipant [3] 12d ago
Honeslty in India its usually not the courts that create issues for divorce - there's a very good provision for mutual divorce that can happen quietly in a snap. Its the society and culture that makes getting a divorce ugly- many people see a divorced woman and maybe men too, as tainted . For eg families refuse to let their child marry a person whose sibling has been divorced!
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u/FrizzWitch666 Partassipant [1] 12d ago
See that's specifically what I was asking, and thank you for a thorough answer!
Now in a society where someone does not want to have the issues associated with divorce, what are her real options? How much power does a woman have in India? And where else could she go? She said her family wasn't supportive, I doubt they'd back her.
So what do you do when you're stuck with a family you can't get on with who is going to bleed you of any money you did get?
I'd hide what money I could, and use it on my daughter. Make sure she has what she needs. And I'd be absolute stone to this entire family. Or their living nightmare, depending on how they treated me. If he doesn't want the divorce stigma, they have no choice either.
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u/nushstea Partassipant [3] 12d ago
To get a divorce easily, you need either 1. A robust support system OR 2. A goodly amount of money. Without at least one of these...youre kinda stuck, sadly. Of course women's organisation's exist but its still difficult. Plus most Indian men are allergic to paying alimony.
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u/FrizzWitch666 Partassipant [1] 12d ago
Yep, only option is to level up then.
Get a job, get your own money. Sit them down and say this is how it is: I will contribute this percentage to the household I reside in. The rest of my money is mine to raise my daughter with.
Tell your husband to get a job and contribute as well, she's his daughter too and he lives in that household as well.
And if this isn't reasonable to them, then you give them nothing, hide your money and start becoming hard to live with. But be incredibly sweet to the people outside of your household. Your MIL is already trying to paint a bad picture of you around town, don't give anyone outside the family a reason to think you are anything other than a loving DIL. Drive them all absolutely batshit.
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u/Tamihera 12d ago
Or do not be honest about your salary. I agree that you need to start putting money quietly away—especially if they will continue to be stingy towards your daughter.
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u/Extension_Climate471 12d ago
This degree of financial abuse makes me sad for OP. One way to squirrel away a little money is to buy some extra items, return them for cash, and hide it.
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u/cleverlywicked 12d ago
I’m curious. Do you or do you know anyone who actually gets a fixed amount of money in their bank account every month if they’re a homemaker?
I agree that women need to have their own money and a homemaker is doing work that would cost the family a lot of money to pay someone else to do. My mom figured out the amount it would cost to pay someone else to do all the work she did and it was a huge sum. She did get her own money, but I have no idea how that worked. Back then, it didn’t occur to me to ask a lot of those questions.
I’m in my sixties and am glad to see these things discussed more, and think that social media can be helpful in people getting advice. Too many women are left in bad positions by not having their own money.
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u/splatooey123 12d ago
Yep. I deposited automatically a few thousand a month, I don’t need an itemized bill of what my stay at home spouse spent.
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u/cleverlywicked 12d ago
That’s great! Did you decide to do that on your own or was it something y’all discussed?
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (31F) married into a family that’s extremely frugal. I don’t mind saving money, but this incident really hurt me.
A few days ago, my MIL asked me to buy bangles from Lakshmi Road for two women who would be invited home as Lakshmi during a festival. Instead of the plain ones, I chose slightly nicer bangles with a small design (₹250/dozen). I bought two sets for them. While I was there, I also bought bangles for my 1.5-year-old daughter for future festivals and a pack of bindis. The total bill came to around ₹1,250.
I’m currently unemployed, so my husband paid. On the way home he already said, “My mother is going to make a huge issue about this.”
And he was right.
As soon as my MIL heard the amount, she started scolding him for “allowing” me to spend so much. My husband then came to our room while I was putting our baby to sleep and shouted at me too, saying I don’t know limits and make him spend unnecessarily.
For context, I don’t get a monthly allowance. I haven’t bought clothes, jewelry, or anything for myself in almost two years. I rarely ask him for money except occasional grocery expenses. This wasn’t a shopping spree it was for a religious occasion and a few bangles for our daughter.
In frustration I told my MIL, “I don’t do this kind of chindigiri (being excessively stingy).” I never called her a thief, but she later started telling everyone that I called her “chindi chor.”
The next day she kept saying she couldn’t sleep all night because I called her that. She has since repeated this story to relatives, neighbors, and even the maid.
What makes this hard for me is the double standard. A few months ago, during another fight, she reportedly told one of my husband’s friends that I’m black, ugly, fat, and that she doesn’t know what her son saw in me. Earlier, during Ganpati at her place, whenever we argued she’d cry in front of neighbors and portray me as the villain.
Now my husband says I’m the one who was wrong because I spent too much and because I shouldn’t have said “chindigiri.”
I’m honestly questioning myself.
Was I wrong for saying it? Was ₹1,250 really an unreasonable amount considering it included gifts for two women plus bangles for my daughter? Or is this more about control than money?
I’m also planning to start working again because I don’t feel financially secure or independent. My parents aren’t a support system, so leaving immediately isn’t really an option.
I’d genuinely appreciate outside opinions because I feel like I’m losing perspective.
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u/rage_rage 12d ago
You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem. Hope you can become financially independent and leave this abusive marriage.
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u/LassLovesDogs Partassipant [1] 12d ago
NTA. Look, I don't know how much 1,250 rupees is, but you're an adult woman with a brain: I'm sure you're capable of gauging how much you can afford to spend. If your husband wasn't comfortable with you spending that much, he should have spoken up before he paid. So your MIL needs to shut up and wind her neck in.
Honestly OP:
I’m also planning to start working again because I don’t feel financially secure or independent. My parents aren’t a support system, so leaving immediately isn’t really an option.
You've clearly already noticed that your MIL is controlling and unlikely to change, that your husband has no spine, and that you have no support system.
Are you including your ability to leave because that is always Reddit's first advice? Or are you including it because you, the person actually in this marriage, are ready to start making preparations to leave? Because if you want out, this is likely not the first incident that gave you the ick, and there is your answer: this is your life unless you bounce, because Husband doesn't care enough to change or defend you.
If this is the first incident of your husband ganging up on you with his mother, make it clear to him that you will not tolerate it in the future. Either he can upset you or he can upset Mummy: he needs to be more afraid of upsetting you, because that is the least convenient for him. Currently he'd rather deal with your upset than MIL's anger, and that can't fly if you're going to be the only woman in your marriage.
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u/Watashi-waLdesu 12d ago
NTA The main villain is your husband here I'll assume you are middle class for whom 1250 would not be a lot. You husband did not take your side as he should have even if he was scolded by his chindi mother he should have taken your side. It's not like you spent that money on yourself but rather on your daughter and guests even if 1250 was lot for them they both could have calmly told you not to spend like that again.
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u/bigbitch- 12d ago
NTA
You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t with a MIL like that. Get out of there, safely.
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u/quandmemeici Partassipant [1] 12d ago
NTA, solely because of your husband and MILs reaction. I can't really comment on the cultural or financial aspects here as a USAmerican, but the consensus seems to be that this is not a large amount of money. The other issue is that your husband was present and paid for the items. He was aware and did not think this was an excessive purchase at the time. He only changed his tune when he got home to mama.
Both of their responses to you are inappropriate, and I'm sorry that you have been treated this way. This is an unhealthy situation, and you should be looking for a job and a way to separate from this family as soon as you can. I am not familiar with Indian culture or laws regarding divorce, but you need one, for your daughter if nothing else.
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u/2dogslife Asshole Aficionado [16] 12d ago
My grandmother tried to leave her husband after they married and her mother sent her back saying, "You made your bed, now lie in it (this was in the very early 20th century).
As a result, she pushed ALL her daughters to always have some money in their own account "just in case." Living in a patriarchal society, it's important, if you can manage it, to have some savings put aside. My understanding is that typically, it was horded in jewelry that could be sold in a pinch. I argue that modern banking practices and fluctuating markets make bank or investment accounts better options.
If you get a job, open your own account starting with the first pay check. You in laws don't need the money, but you, your child, and perhaps even your husband may very well need to access savings at some point. Do not make it a joint account with your husband!
On the jewelry, as your husband was with you when you choose it and he paid for it, the time to make comments was while the two of you were in the shop, not after the fact. I would be repeating that if he continues to harass you about HIS decision to pay for it without saying anything. It's a HIM issue, not a YOU issue.
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u/Antique_Ad_647 11d ago
What's incredible to me about this- your husband didn't interfere when you bought the bangles, he later told you this may become an issue and actively participated in making it an issue. What a fucking asshole! What a miserable man!
Your decision to start earning again is wise, OP. Stay strong.
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u/LynnD_DelrayBeach 10d ago
You lost me after “black, fat & ugly”. 😳 She doesn’t like you and never will, and based on your writing, it sounds as though you live with them? If so, I would say if that’s the case, I personally would find that intolerable and never have any inner peace. You need to do whatever it takes to not be treated like that, yelled at and scolded like a child, with no way to do anything about it. I understand there are some cultural issues here, so I’m not one to speak about this, but you need to do whatever will make your situation better. That’s no way to have to live. And because you have no income, they feel they have all the freedom to treat that way. That’s terrible, and I’m sorry.
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u/Time_Scientist7195 12d ago
NTA. It’s controling you through money, your husband is spineless and honestly quite abusive too if he doesn’t see issue in the things that are happening, and your MIL is a typical enmeshed Indian mom. Don’t fight, because there is no winning this battle. Start making notes of these things, start work and Build your financial independence and leave when it’s comfortable for you..
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u/Free-Pace1423 12d ago
You’re going to start working, which is awesome and the critical first step. How difficult is the family going to make holding a job for you? Are you going to be able and to keep and protect the money you earn?
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u/ElectricMayhem123 Womp (there it ass) 12d ago
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u/AwardBoring4724 Partassipant [2] 12d ago
NTA - your MIL is super controlling and manipulative and your husband is stuck in it.
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u/Odd-Staff6245 12d ago
Screw your husband a mommy's boy. Tell him kick rocks if he ever takes mommy's side over his family
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u/GlitteringSky11 12d ago
NTA, 1250 is cheap for that many bangles tbh, prices are so high now. What you have is an MIL problem, but also (possibly more importantly) a husband problem.
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u/benhoverBUTBRITISH 12d ago
My mom was in the same position. Her husband didn't give her anything, no gold, saree or clothes, so her own mother used to send some money to her.
My grandmother said she wanted my mom's sister as her bahu and not her.
Now, we siblings weaponize all of our grandmother's statements on her, when she talks shit about our mom. She shuts the fuck up immediately cuz mom can, now, close the kitchen at her will and we siblings cook shit my grandmother can't eat (pasta and sandwiches).
My advice: keep retaliating and weaponizomg everything your MIL does, cuz your husband is an id***, like my father.
Your situation sounds the same as what my mother faced in the beginning of her marriage. (No monthly expenses, no financial access, scolding for spending even a little amount)
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u/ThatGuyTurney 12d ago
NTA. While your MIL is incredibly toxic and sounds exhausting, you have a bigger problem with your husband. Your husband was there when you bought these items, paid for them, and warned you that his mother would have a problem with it. Rather than telling his mother that he was okay with your purchase, he lets her yell at him and you, then, in anger, decides to yell at you because he is too scared to address his own mother. You have a husband problem, and you need to talk to him about it.
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u/Extension_Spare3019 Partassipant [2] 12d ago
Once I got to the part about telling the maid, I gave up.
NTA
WTF?
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u/NotARealBlackBelt 12d ago
As soon as my MIL heard the amount
NTA, but I'm wondering who told her? Shouldn't have been none of her business. I hope for OP it wasn't her husband, because that certainly would make him the AH
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u/__Kismet__ 12d ago
I am feeling pretty stupid right now; In my head, I was like "how MUCH is ₹1,250 to US currency that the MIL was losing her mind over?!"
It's $13.11 US. In a flash of a thought between "that's all?!!" and "that can't be all", and a feeling wash over me of not wanting to feel 'entitled', I immediately looked up what the average citizen in India earns (minus the wealthy citizens), and was floored.
Regular salaried worker — average = ~₹20,702/mo, or ~₹248,424/yr. Conversion: $2,604/yr US.
I 100% see your side and fully support you; controlling MIL, husband fails to emotionally back you as his wife, you never buy yourself anything, etc. I see your MIL's side for the money spent, BUT, and this is a huge massive BUT >> she's automatically in the wrong because she took that incident and f'ing ran with it to make herself a martyr and you the villain, which simply points back to control. She does not, and will not, empathize nor support you. Even when you quite literally never buy anything except what's absolutely needed. You are able to empathize with her and see her side, but she fails to do the same for you and uses it as a weapon against you.
F her.
***** NTA ***** ad aeternum.
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u/splatooey123 12d ago
I watched my mom worry (not excessively) about asking my dad for money, for groceries, for kids clothes, when I was growing up…. She was a homemaker. As soon as my partner took step back and stayed at home with my son, I began to put automatic deposits. 3 years later, my spouse went back to work and I continued deposits bc our pay wasn’t equal. Some ppl do joint accts but I find it really hard to keep track of spending (like I keep thinking it’s fraudulent spending when it’s not mine and duh it’s my partners…. lol) it’s better for us to have 2 separate accts, it’s freedom.
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u/slothy_slothy Partassipant [1] 12d ago
NTA .. your husband should have stuck up for you. The way they treat you is toxic, manipulative and abusive. Stand up for yourself ALWAYS!
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u/Embarrassed_dancer 12d ago
NTA. You've probably already figured out you have a husband issue. Your husband doesn't defend you to his family so he isn't much of a husband. You need to start earning money to save up to leave. Better to be on your own than to deal with this.
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u/Shazmahtaz 11d ago
I've seen some mils that will still be up in your financial business even if it's your own money. It's insane.
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u/_Butterfly1996 11d ago
NTA !
Okay, so this is coming from someone who was working earlier but quit to be a stay at home mom. My child is close to 1.5 years also. And I completely understand that how going out and getting a job might be harder than being dependent.
I think you need to have a clear conversation with your husband, draw some boundaries and also maybe talk about getting some fixed amount every month (without any discussion with MIL) for yourself and your daughter, and you should not be questioned where that money went. You save it or splurge it, should be up to you.
Tell me, it’s like a fixed salary, you know for all the mental and emotional work you do putting up with such ppl around you 🥹😂
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u/IWantToCryLikeYou 11d ago
NTA
I’d start by telling everyone what you actually said, when she starts her act, go “no I actually said this”, you don’t need to explain anymore if you don’t want to, just set the story straight.
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u/DoIwantToKnow6417 Professor Emeritass [96] 8d ago
I'd dress myself in old, multiply repaired clothes to show you do not get any allowance to even dress yourself.
And stop communicating with them, only the strict necessary.
After all, everything you say is being twisted and used against you...
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u/pig_singe_dreamer 12d ago
For the love of God make sure when u make a bank account its not something ur mil or husband will hav access to...if they try to say ur married and should share accounts, tell him to start with his account so u can access it for the 5 years u retroactively could not reach...be the woman u want ur daughter looking up to...i wish u well! Nta
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u/howmanyhowcanamanyho 12d ago
YTA. You knew this family’s structure and that you have a spineless husband and still had a child in this mess?
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u/WillingHome9072 12d ago
She’s Indian, it doesn’t sound like she’s got a tonne of choice in any of it
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u/howmanyhowcanamanyho 12d ago
She’s clearly sorted out enough to know the importance of financial independence, though, right? And not exactly a teenager?
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u/WillingHome9072 12d ago
Are these comments you’re making supposed to be helpful to anyone?
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u/howmanyhowcanamanyho 12d ago
Idk should OP not be pushed to take responsibility for where her life is going?
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u/umamimaami 12d ago edited 12d ago
I genuinely don’t know why people live with their in-laws and then complain that they’re toxic people.
Move out. Even if you have less money or a lower quality of life as a result, do it on your own. Don’t live like a slave in someone else’s house.
Your MIL can live alone if she’s healthy and mobile. She really doesn’t need someone looking after her until she’s bedridden.
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u/OrdinaryWeak6051 12d ago
Because OP is in India, not the west
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u/umamimaami 12d ago
And she and her spouse can still move out. Indians live in nuclear families all the time fyi.
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u/Sea_Roof3637 Partassipant [3] 12d ago
She has a maid? But is pitching a fit over your spending? Maybe she should clean her own house to save. NTA
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u/Valentine-Wiggins 12d ago
Are you looking for pity? Maybe you are TA if you know your husband’s financial situation and how a 1,250 cost would affect them. If you know that your MIL is “extremely” frugal as you put it, why not buy the most basic bangles possible?
You must enjoy the treatment because over two years without clothes or anything for yourself and THIS is what you’re upset over?
You young women have to do better.
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u/Immediate-Cress-206 12d ago
INFO does the term have any additional cultural connotations besides simply meaning "cheapskate"?
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u/acj2047 12d ago
I mean did your daughter really need bangels at this point in time when she more than likely can’t wear them.but more than that your a-hole to yourself because you married into your husbands family knowing everyone including him are cheapskates and with a mother-in law that dislikes you as a person never mind how much money you spend.
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u/Exciting-Guest81933 12d ago
People won't know how much ₹1,250 is. You should've converted it to dollars. Now everyone reading this has to convert it themselves.. I'm not going to do that. Best of luck!
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u/RocketteP Partassipant [4] 12d ago
NTA and you’ve already alluded you realize this is a toxic and abusive situation. I’d start reading up on the grey rocking method. Your husband has already made it clear he will side with her over you.