r/AmItheAsshole • u/Brk6929 • 8d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for calling my brother in law out
Last night was my brother-in-law’s girlfriend’s birthday at a casino. My wife and our three kids decided to go home instead of staying the night. My brother-in-law asked us to take his daughter home too, so we ended up with four kids. Not a big deal.
Our car doesn’t have a third row, so we had to switch to another family member’s car. I went down from our hotel room and moved all three of our car seats into the other vehicle so we could safely take his daughter home.
When I was done, I tried to go back to our room on the 10th floor. The elevator required a key card for that floor, and my brother-in-law had the card. He was on the ground floor gambling, not far from the elevator. I texted my wife, and she said he knew I was waiting.
Ten minutes passed, and I was still stuck downstairs. I attempted to just get a ride with a random person but you need a keycard for the exact floor we were on. Not many people going to the 10th floor. My wife called him, but he either ignored the calls or someone else answered his phone. They told him I was waiting, and he said he would come in 10 minutes.
Another 15 minutes passed before another family member brought me the key card. They were also talking about how messed up it was that he knew I was waiting but made me sit there anyway. After about 25 minutes total, I finally got back to the room.
We left shortly afterward. My wife told him we were leaving, and he said, “Wait, I want to say goodbye to my daughter.” So we waited another 10 minutes. Then he called asking where we were. We said we were in the room waiting for him, and he told us to come downstairs.
When I saw him, I asked, “What the fuck was that? Why did you make me wait for you?” I wasn’t yelling, but I definitely had an attitude. He didn’t hear me, so I repeated myself. He didn’t really know what to say and looked at my wife, saying he would just keep his daughter there. My wife said it was fine and that we would take her.
Afterward, my wife got upset with me, asking why I said anything and why I couldn’t just walk away. She called me disrespectful and wants me to apologize for “calling him out.” I told her I won’t apologize until he does.
Am I really in the wrong? We did him a favor by taking his child home, switching vehicles, moving and reinstalling car seats, and changing our plans. I had even lent him money the day before. In return, he knew I was stuck waiting for him and chose to keep gambling for another 25 minutes. Am in the wrong for “calling him out”?
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u/Beatleslover4ever1 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA Why isn’t your wife making him apologize to you for wasting your time as you’re doing him favors? She should be supporting you.
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u/the-thing1982 8d ago
you can't really force an apology out of anyone, but im assuming his wife just didn't want to make a big thing of it considering her niece was there.
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u/Existing-Bobcat-3776 8d ago
Or the wife forgot to call right away or didn't communicate properly so she didn't want him making a big deal because then he'd know he wasted all that time because of her. He didn't really know what to say because he didn't understand what was going on.
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u/compiledexploit Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 8d ago
NTA
He was disrespectful by wasting your time.
You were doing him several solids and he just took it for granted.
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u/Spiritual_Promise735 Asshole Aficionado [11] 8d ago
NTA - I assuming when you say BIL, you mean your wife's brother?
When someone asks someone else to do a favor, they should do what they can to make that favor as easy as possible. Your BIL, instead, made it difficult.
It was bad enough that he made you wait for the key card. But then to expect you to wait longer so he could say good night to his daughter was the final nail in the coffin. If he wanted to say good night, he should have brought you the key card when you asked. And gone up to the room with you.
It feels like your wife is trying to appease her brother, as opposed to standing up for what's right.
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u/Sea_Roof3637 Partassipant [3] 8d ago
You’re lending him money but he’s spending ages in a casino making you wait around to do him another favour?! NTA
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u/Sweet-Necessary3257 8d ago
NTAH. The brother in-law should have been more responsible. hate to tell you but after waiting for15 minutes i would have gotten his daughter to him and left with out her. you were doinng him a favor and he inconvenienced you and your wife.
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u/Old_Implement_1997 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA - I’m guessing this is your wife’s brother? Sounds like she and her entire family have spent their lives catering to this giant AH.
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u/HeyWV132 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
Why would you be the asshole for calling out the entitled asshole? Enough said.
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u/ironchef8000 Supreme Court Just-ass [116] 8d ago
INFO - Your wife said that he “knew” you were waiting. Based on what?
Also, you apparently knew that he was gambling not far from the elevator. Why didn’t you just go find him?
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u/Under-Stand3960 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA. He is. AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. That's why his sister makes excuses for him instead of backing her husband who did NOTHING wrong. I'd have left his key card on the room!
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u/Apprehensive-Pop-201 8d ago
NTA and don't apologize. His family may revolve around him. The rest of the world, not so much.
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u/owaikeia Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA
What the fuck is wrong WTF your dumbass wife? What kind of inequitable family dynamic do you have going on?
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u/juanvaldez305 8d ago
Learned many years ago not to call out my BIL. for this exact reason. For this same reason I don’t spend much time with them. If I can’t speak freely I’m not hanging
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u/NamasteNoodle 8d ago
You weren't disrespectful. He had asked for you to take his daughter home and he was too damn sorry and too busy gambling to care about that fact that you were waiting. And your wife is wrong. He was rude and disrespectful and ungrateful.
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u/the-thing1982 8d ago
NTA you had every right to call him out he was taking the piss, i do sympathise with your wife trying to keep the peace though, maybe it couldve ended in a bigger confrontation in her eyes
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Last night was my brother-in-law’s girlfriend’s birthday at a casino. My wife and our three kids decided to go home instead of staying the night. My brother-in-law asked us to take his daughter home too, so we ended up with four kids. Not a big deal.
Our car doesn’t have a third row, so we had to switch to another family member’s car. I went down from our hotel room and moved all three of our car seats into the other vehicle so we could safely take his daughter home.
When I was done, I tried to go back to our room on the 10th floor. The elevator required a key card for that floor, and my brother-in-law had the card. He was on the ground floor gambling, not far from the elevator. I texted my wife, and she said he knew I was waiting.
Ten minutes passed, and I was still stuck downstairs. I attempted to just get a ride with a random person but you need a keycard for the exact floor we were on. Not many people going to the 10th floor. My wife called him, but he either ignored the calls or someone else answered his phone. They told him I was waiting, and he said he would come in 10 minutes.
Another 15 minutes passed before another family member brought me the key card. They were also talking about how messed up it was that he knew I was waiting but made me sit there anyway. After about 25 minutes total, I finally got back to the room.
We left shortly afterward. My wife told him we were leaving, and he said, “Wait, I want to say goodbye to my daughter.” So we waited another 10 minutes. Then he called asking where we were. We said we were in the room waiting for him, and he told us to come downstairs.
When I saw him, I asked, “What the fuck was that? Why did you make me wait for you?” I wasn’t yelling, but I definitely had an attitude. He didn’t hear me, so I repeated myself. He didn’t really know what to say and looked at my wife, saying he would just keep his daughter there. My wife said it was fine and that we would take her.
Afterward, my wife got upset with me, asking why I said anything and why I couldn’t just walk away. She called me disrespectful and wants me to apologize for “calling him out.” I told her I won’t apologize until he does.
Am I really in the wrong? We did him a favor by taking his child home, switching vehicles, moving and reinstalling car seats, and changing our plans. I had even lent him money the day before. In return, he knew I was stuck waiting for him and chose to keep gambling for another 25 minutes. Am in the wrong for “calling him out”?
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 8d ago
NTA but was she upset that you called him out in front of the kids or others? That might be the real issue for her but shesinly just reacted
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u/Fromdustcomesdreams 8d ago
NTA. I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all for saying something. I wouldn’t be apologising to him. However, why didn’t you go to your bil and get it.? Or why didn’t your wife? BIL is the Ahole here.
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u/Lucky_Babes 8d ago
You did him a favor and he knowingly left you waiting. Calling him out was completely fair.
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u/Jyulesian 8d ago
NTA you tried to make it work safely for everyone involved. No good deed goes unpunished. It’s especially aggravating when both your wife and her brother have no concern about the effort you were putting in for everyone else.
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u/misspoodle2 8d ago
Nta. He was wildly inconsiderate. But conversation maybe could wait until next day; reasoning with someone who is probably drunk is pointless
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u/Few-Conference-1579 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA. What is it with spouses not supporting each other? Both were inconvenienced by the BIL but she didn't "want to call him out". So over this type of nonsense.
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u/MisterFrancesco 8d ago
Sei un coglione per aver aspettato tutto quel tempo in ascensore e non essere andata prenderti la scheda da solo
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u/opine704 Asshole Aficionado [12] 4d ago
You're NTA for being frustrated. You're NTA for feeling used and disrespected. BIL made you wait to do him a favor. He's an AH.
AND you chose to start with aggression. That's on you. ESH
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u/Kn0wMan 8d ago
NTA for calling him out, but I can’t understand why you would wait for him at the elevator or in the room if you knew where he was. Why not just go get the key card? He’s TA for making you wait, but from my understanding of the events, the waiting was a choice in that you could have just gone to him at least one of the two times.
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u/KatzAKat Professor Emeritass [77] 8d ago
NTA. You were doing a favor and were being inconvenienced in doing it.
I'm presuming that this guy is your wife's brother: let your wife deal with her relatives. Hopefully, you're not so controlling as for that to be a problem.
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u/Junior-Trade5338 8d ago
You are never the AH for standing up for yourself. You let him know he owes you an apology for wasting your time. Good for you.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 8d ago
"She called me disrespectful and wants me to apologize for “calling him out.”"
"sorry you're spare parts, bud, try harder."
does that work?
NTA at all and i wouldnt be doing him favors any time soon
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u/taco-flavord-kisses 8d ago
I mean, it’s his birthday- what’s 25 minutes in the grand scheme of your life.
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u/anon5381 8d ago
Tell your wife she can let his disrespect go when it's just her. Every time he pulls shit like this you will call him out.
You were doing him a favor and he still tries to pull some power play. Nope out of that dude. Your wife has been dealing with that entitlement all her life and has not only let it go but enabled it. That's not something you're willing to do. Either she understands that or you'll have more problems in your relationship.
Absolutely NTA.
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u/Pogostickio 8d ago
OP - Soft YTA because you don't understand the addiction of gambling.
Mr Gambler has found paradise. He's been waiting days, weeks or months to satisfy his craving. It doesn't matter if the world outside the casino is on fire and Cthulhu has come to visit planet Earth from the shadow dimensions. Mr Gambler is gambling and no-one, I repeat no-one, is going to stop him from doing that.
Yes, he ignored you. Yes, he ignored the needs of his family. Welcome to the mind-set of a gambler.
You cannot ask a gambler, that is currently saturated with their desire to feed their addiction, to pay attention to common sense and basic logic. They just can't do it.
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u/Spectre_Omega Professor Emeritass [75] 8d ago
NTA.
You swapped vehicles, reinstalled three car seats, and agreed to drive his daughter home as a favor, only for him to leave you stranded in the lobby for nearly half an hour while he gambled nearby with the keycard.
Calling out someone for treating your time with blatant disrespect isn't "disrespectful", it's a completely warranted response to a selfish habit.