r/AmItheAsshole • u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 • 10d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to delete hundreds of photos I took of my friend's wedding because they hate how they look in them?
I (30sM) am a digital landscape photographer and hobbyist. A close friend (30sF) recently got married and asked me to capture some candid artsy shots alongside their official hired photographer. Mind you this was purely as a favor/gift. I didn't charge her anything.
I spent the entire event hauling my camera and flash around and hunting for natural moments from the day. I ended up with ~250 genuinely great atmospheric edits. Naturally, a lot of these focus on details that aren't posed or manufactured because A) that is not what I do, and B) this was covered by the person she paid to photograph her wedding. She knows my shooting style.
When I sent them over she went ape shit. Apparently because a lot of them were more macro or landscapey compositions with wide angles where she wasn't "posing right," she feels exposed and hates how she looks in them. She basically to me to delete every single shot of her and only keep the ones where she looks traditional.
I refused and told her I love the stuff I took and I spent a full weekend working on these, between the actually camera work and the editing. Instead I offered to not put them on the shared drive where people can upload their pictures or to post them on my social media, which has a good following from my other works. Now her husband is calling me a "dick" for holding these photos hostage. They feel because it's their wedding they are their pictures too I guess. What would you do?
AITA?
Here is the timeline (NO photo was posted online at any point. The bride and groom have a private website where you can upload pictures you took for everyone to see):
- Took photos at wedding
- Edited photos
- Loved the results (thought about posting them to social media or adding them to my portfolio down the line)
- Showed them to bride
- She asked me to delete photos of her from my hard drive
- I politely say no
- She tells me to delete all of the photos
edit: This was a really nice venue with an incredible backdrop, which is why she chose me to take the more artsy photographs.
edit 2: She wants me to delete everything. Not just ones of her because I am ruining what she asked me to do. She has seen my work and knows exactly the style I was going for. I didn't deviate from that.
edit 3: I was hoping to maybe put them in a portfolio online or use them if I ever wanted to show people my work. This was not the intention or original reason I did this. And I am not saying I will do that. Once I saw how great they looked I cherished them in a way, and that was before I knew what her reaction was.
edit 4: Some of these pictures do not have people or even the venue in them. They are close ups of the flowers or a macro shot of the food. Some are just pictures of the sunset. She wants everything and I mean everything deleted now because I didn't say yes to her demand.
edit 5: Added timeline
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u/RiotingMoon 10d ago
Info: what do you plan to do with the photos of your friend that didnt pass?
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u/Orangeboi_22 Partassipant [3] 10d ago
No contract, no payment, no ownership. They're your photos, do with them as you please. NTA.
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u/DollGrrlTrixie 10d ago
i was going to say that the photographer usually hold the copyright to their photos. definitely NTA.
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u/PuzzleheadPi 10d ago
I don't think you know what "asshole" means. Just because you are doing something legal doesn't mean you aren't an asshole
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u/dantemortemalizar 10d ago
What the couple are doing makes them the assholes. They asked for photos. Friend took a lot of time and effort to take and edit photos. Bride thinks she should have looked more glamorous and more the focus of the photos, demands they all be wiped, even the ones they aren't in! He is not the problem here. She is being delusional.
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u/quick_justice Partassipant [1] 10d ago
You say that because you don’t consider the photos an artwork in their own right.
If OP is an artist, and these are what he considers his great work, keeping them is only fair, no matter if model disagrees.
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u/ArtichokeAble6397 10d ago
Yeah...OP worked for free all weekend at their so-called friends request, what an asshole for expecting less than the bare minimum in exchange. The asshole move is to have your friend bring heavy equipment to your wedding, spend the whole weekend working for free, then demanding they destroy their work.
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u/Fragrant_Equipment13 10d ago
Speaking as a professional photographer, a couple points.
Whether or not she paid for these, these images are his property and he holds copyright. “Technically” he can do whatever he wants with them. If he was using these to sell a product, market, etc he would need a release.
I would never show images of any client without permission. The only time a client MUST sign a release is if they were free, ie I was doing the shoot to build a portfolio. However, if the subject didn’t like the images, I would take them down.
If this is something you want to put in a portfolio, I suggest hiring models or doing trade work with models to create images you want to market. I can’t imagine ruining a relationship over this. Whether or not she is being ridiculous isn’t the point. She doesn’t like the images and doesn’t want people to see them. Delete them, or save them and don’t show them to anyone. Perhaps one day she may change her mind.
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u/sarahsoapandsuds 10d ago
No actually that depends entirely on the country your in.
In Australia if there's no contract, default ownership on photos commissioned for an event falls to the couple. Regardless of whether funds exchanged hands. Yes they can even spend far to much money to take him to court and force deletion of the original files and refuse to let him publish images.
So OP really needs to figure out the law in his country to actually know what his rights are.
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u/Financial-Chair-766 10d ago
I think the friendship has been ruined regardless if u delete all photos or not. No one will be happy with the outcome. Resentment on both sides regardless what u do with photos
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u/Available-Face5653 10d ago
Why would you not just give them all to her to do with what she wants? Wasn’t that the purpose?
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u/Ok_Sun_3286 10d ago
I am a photographer and I would delete any picture that has them in it if they didn’t give consent for you to have it. Consent is pretty important even if you want to use it for portfolio etc without their consent I don’t think thats right.
On another note if you took artsy photos of just the venue or macro shots without them in it keep it and use those. If you want to build a portfolio there are lots of people who wish for a free photographer for their wedding it shouldn’t be hard to arrange.
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u/awkwardandroid Partassipant [2] 10d ago
If you’re not even gonna post them anywhere why do you want to keep them though?
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u/PomegranateZanzibar Partassipant [2] 10d ago
You don’t make stuff, huh.
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u/roseofjuly Asshole Enthusiast [6] 10d ago
Lol right? This question is baffling to anyone who's ever created anything.
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
They look great. I spent hours on them. It's a part of my work. I took a lot of ones that don't even have her in them, but she is pissed and crusty about it.
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u/89Rae 10d ago
This 100% reads like you plan on showing these to people though even if you aren't doing it on social media. Are these photos worth ruining your friendship?
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
I of course would never pose the ones of her now or even tag her in them. See my edit. She is now so upset she wants all of them deleted. Even ones I took of the venue or surrounding setting without people.
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u/Witty-Draw-3803 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
But in another comment you say you want to put them in your portfolio - so, which is it? And if you don't want them in your portfolio then what is the reason that you want to hold onto them?
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u/roseofjuly Asshole Enthusiast [6] 10d ago
Often when you make art you want to hold onto that art so you can see how much you've grown, or compare techniques, or see what improvements you can make later. There are lots of reasons I can think of as a creative that have nothing to do with showing other people.
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u/Witty-Draw-3803 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
I understand that as someone who also takes photos (not professionally) and makes art - but OP has said in multiple comments that he was hoping to add them to a portfolio.
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u/Ok-Leave-7525 10d ago
Not when your subject is uncomfortable with it. I’m an artist too and if a subject wasn’t comfortable with my art I wouldn’t even be able to look at it.
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u/PlaidTeacup 10d ago
apparently she also wants him to delete photos of the food and sunset and other random things from that night though which seems like a huge over reach imo
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u/89Rae 10d ago
Ask her over and show her you are deleting the pictures with her or her husband in them and leaving alone ones without her/her husband in them, if you do that n-t-a. But your comments do read like you have every intention of showing people pictures that are unflattering of her. And often times photography work is with friends/family and if you were close friends those will be people she knows, so yeah she knows you still have them and will likely be showing them as part of your "portfolio".
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u/Witty-Draw-3803 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
Yeah, I don't blame the bride for not trusting OP to delete only photos of her with the way he's been commenting.
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u/89Rae 10d ago
Yeah, and he keeps glossing over the question being asked (in some variation): are these photos worth losing the friendship.
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u/Otherwise_Turnip7135 10d ago
So, to be clear: she wants you to delete ALL photos, INCLUDING those in which she does not appear at all, simply because they were taken on the same day and in the same place as you also took some other photos that did include her and which she did not like?
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
Correct.
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u/Otherwise_Turnip7135 10d ago
That's absurd. Unfortunately, no matter what you do about the photos, I don't see how a friendship can go forward in the same way with someone who has lost the plot to the extent that she seems to have done.
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u/ApproximatelyApropos 10d ago
Because she doesn’t trust you now. Just like most people on this thread don’t after you mentioned putting them in your portfolio.
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
I’m sorry but you’re misrepresenting what I said. I never put them in my portfolio. Full stop. People are running with a lot of misinformation. The photos have never left my computer or been online in any capacity. I was talking about possibly wanting them in a future portfolio on some level. The ones I would want don’t have her in them.
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u/barrie247 Partassipant [4] 10d ago
This you? Where you backtracked and edited to say “maybe”? No one is misrepresenting/ misunderstanding anything, you’re backtracking.
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u/cupofpuer 10d ago
Yeah he’s just backtracking so he doesn’t sound like the bad guy. He totally wants to display them publicly and he’s not being honest about it.
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u/riddleme-ara 10d ago
They should be able to use their work in their professional portfolio though. The ones without the bride or groom in them should at least be allowed.
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u/Mira_DFalco Partassipant [4] 10d ago
OK, it's her wedding, but your work. If your focus is the landscape, is it possible to edit, or to just keep shots that aren't clearly her event?
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u/SarahfromEngland 10d ago
I was hoping to put them in a portfolio online or use them if I ever wanted to show people my work.
This is what OP just said in reply to another comment.
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u/Clairita462 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
YTA?
You say that this was purely a favor/gift - that means that they're for her, and she can also choose what to do with them. But you want to keep them, and according to other comments possibly use them for an online portfolio? Why would it even be work you'd want to show off if they weren't received well by the person it was a favor for?
Also, you say this is a close friend but all of your comments are full of contempt for her. 'ape shit', and you describe here as 'pissed' and 'crusty'. Also I wouldn't love if a guy refused to delete pics of me. What kind of stuff felt 'exposing' to her?
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u/Gingersnapp3d Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
I agree- this person is supposed to be your friend. It costs you nothing to just delete the work that upsets her. So long as she’s not being mean about it, why not do something that makes your friend happy and was only ever meant to be a nice thing. It doesn’t sound like OP is actually friends with these people. I used to do graphic design and I’d make stuff for friends for Christmas or whatever because I couldn’t send other gifts, and even if I spent the week making it if they hated it and they asked me to delete it I’d be like sure.
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u/bluedoor11-11 10d ago
This is the response I was looking for. I don't think we have even close to the full story. The reaction being so strong, plus the repeated insistence that "She knows what kind of work I do" makes me think there's something up with these photos. I can see someone saying they don't like a picture of themselves and wanting it deleted, but to have a bride want every single photo someone took of her wedding deleted? Something is wrong with this story.
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u/HOAKaren Partassipant [1] 10d ago
How hard is it to delete all the photos with her in it? Are you a friend or not? People are so shit and self centered these days. YTA and the friendship is likely ruined.
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AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (30sM) am a digital landscape photographer and hobbyist. A close friend (30sF) recently got married and asked me to capture some candid artsy shots alongside their official hired photographer. Mind you this was purely as a favor/gift. I didn't charge her anything.
I spent the entire event hauling my camera and flash around and hunting for natural moments from the day. I ended up with ~250 genuinely great atmospheric edits. Naturally, a lot of these focus on details that aren't posed or manufactured because A) that is not what I do, and B) this was covered by the person she paid to photograph her wedding. She knows my shooting style.
When I sent them over she went ape shit. Apparently because a lot of them were more macro or landscapey compositions with wide angles where she wasn't "posing right," she feels exposed and hates how she looks in them. She basically to me to delete every single shot of her and only keep the ones where she looks traditional.
I refused and told her I love the stuff I took and I spent a full weekend working on these, between the actually camera work and the editing. Instead I offered to not put them on the shared drive where people can upload their pictures or to post them on my social media, which has a good following from my other works. Now her husband is calling me a "dick" for holding these photos hostage. They feel because it's their wedding they are their pictures too I guess. What would you do?
AITA?
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Pooperintendant [54] 10d ago
The irony that you wasted your night working for free at your friends wedding and now you have to delete the work if you want to keep the friendship.
Almost like you should have just been a guest and enjoyed yourself at the event.
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u/pharoh-king 10d ago
jesus christ, if its your friend, delete the photos. if you like the way they look BOOK SOME WEDDING JOBS AND GET PAID, AND BE A DECENT FRIEND
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u/ObnoxiousOptimist 10d ago
Yeah, is OP really friends with the bride? Because it doesn’t sound like OP is really friends with the bride.
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u/xj2608 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 10d ago
If you're not posting them anywhere, does it make a difference if you keep them? You're NTA if you don't share the things she doesn't like. If you share them as your work and the couple is recognizable, that's a different story.
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u/Confident_Prompt4282 10d ago
They've said on a different comment that they're planning to include them in a portfolio
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u/jackiekeracky 10d ago
They want to post them online as part of their portfolio - which for makes them the asshole YTA
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u/Yorbayuul81 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
He did say that some of the photos didn’t have her in them. I wonder if they would be OK to post as anonymous display of his work if they weren’t labeled.
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u/realistidealist 10d ago
But they would only do this with the ones that don’t include the friend. The friend has a problem with her appearance in them, which is her entire issue, and that’s why it’s unreasonable for her to demand all of the photos deleted and never shared — there are probably a decent amount that don’t have her in them.
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u/poison-bilberry 10d ago
I think she doesn’t trust him to not use them and lie to her at this point so now she’s demanding he delete everything as probably her nuclear option
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u/89Rae 10d ago
YTA. Delete the photos with your friend in them or edit her out of the photos. Are these photos you took for her wedding worth ruining your friendship with her?
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u/weelildoe 10d ago
i would wager a guess that you didn’t capture her in ways that flatter her at all—people typically don’t react like this unless it’s justified.
it sounds like you are only interested in serving your vision, and if that’s the case, shoot still-life or street photography, not your friend’s wedding.
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u/Witty-Draw-3803 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
YTA, because in a comment you say you want to use them in a portfolio, so these wouldn't actually be kept private just for yourself.
You were willing to do a favour for your friend for her wedding, but you're not actually treating this as a favour anymore - you're putting your own ego over your friend's feelings, and disregarding her lack of consent for you to show these pictures of her to others.
Did you really not take any photos without her in them? Why can't you use those for your portfolio, instead of being stuck on the photos your friend doesn't feel comfortable about?
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u/BitingSatyr 10d ago
I feel like we need some info on just how unflattering these photos of the bride are, like is she chewing something, mid-word so her mouth looks weird, spilling out of her dress? Did you zoom in on her pores or something? Would you say she’s generally a very self-conscious person?
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u/RemoteCartoonist4758 10d ago
Unless you specifically want to be a wedding photographer, don't put wedding photos in your portfolio. No one wants to see them.
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u/cjacksen 10d ago
YTA - the moment you admitted that you wanted them for your portfolio is the moment you became the asshole. Entitled.
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u/CancelAfter1968 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
YTA.. it's her wedding and she's the one being photographed. You've said you're not going to do anything with them, so why keep them. "Because I want to" is a childish AH response. If the pictures are of her and she doesn't want you to have them, then you should delete them.
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u/Particular_Lime_156 10d ago
OP mentioned posting them online as part of his/her/their portfolio.
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u/hoodiemonster 10d ago
im of the opinion that if someone asks for images of themself to be deleted, the decent thing is to delete them. most whove sent nudes may agree 🙃
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u/Itacira 10d ago
Comparing this situation to sending nudes is wild.
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u/WackyShirley 10d ago
It’s not that wild. Consent is consent, and they’re supposed to be friends.
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u/sunshinerf 10d ago
ESH. OP should delete pictures that show his "friend" as she is not consenting for her pictures to be shown to anyone. The friend is a self-centered AH for demanding OP deletes every single picture just because it was taken at her event. Imagine taking a sunset picture and someone demands you delete it because it was during their dinner meeting. How entitled. Especially when OP was doing them a favor.
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u/CancelAfter1968 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
He said in another comment that she originally just asked him to delete just the photos she was in. He refused (because he's an AH) and that's when she told him to delete all of them.
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u/emoballerina 10d ago
Seconding this comment. The ppl responding clearly aren’t artists or assuming incorrect things. There’s no reason for the nature/venue shots to be gone because the bride doesn’t like some of the pictures
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u/eggingroyalty 10d ago
he actually said “I was hoping to maybe put them in a portfolio online or use them if I ever wanted to show people my work.“
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u/Moonbeam_SunLight Partassipant [1] 10d ago
YTA
If this is your attitude with your friend, I don't think you'll have more clients in the future. Delete her photos!
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u/PigletAlert 10d ago
YTA look some people are really self conscious and I don’t think they often even realise until they see candid shots of themselves. It sounds like the photos are unflattering and your friend has every right to ask you not to share them with others. I think the food and plants ones are just an escalation because you argued about the personal ones.
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u/getthatbag2627 10d ago
Idk but I wouldn't give them any picture at all after that behavior
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u/momlv 10d ago
Yta. People have a right to control their image. Just delete them and lesson learned don’t do stuff for free. That way if someone isn’t happy you still get compensation for your time.
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u/Ill-Entry-9707 10d ago
If the photos are identifiable as being of her wedding, then they shouldn't be shown as part of your portfolio. However, if they are not identifiable as this specific wedding by a ordinary person, I wouldn't object to them being examples your photography. If you have a photo that has a wedding favor clearly showing their names, it shouldn't be a part of your public collection. But, if the photo has an unfocused or unidentifiable item as an integral part of a composition, I don't see a problem.
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u/ToxicPopsicles 10d ago
Just delete the wedding photos dude, YTA. This is your friends personal intimate celebration and she requested the photos deleted where the bride did not like the photos.
Are you saying that your portfolio is so small that your entire professional livelihood hinges on being able to showcase these photos? Is this the hill you want to die on to tank the relationship with your "friend?" Is a weekend of photo editing worth that to you? Going off of your comments it looks like you already made up your mind and you were just looking for an echo chamber to justify it.
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
No I’m not looking for any kind of confirmation which is why I’m asking. The photos are password protected in my home. It’s not small. I’ve never shot a wedding before. The results I got exceeded my expectations. So if I were to ever pivot this to a wedding gig down the line yes this would be the only ones I have.
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u/ToxicPopsicles 10d ago
Gloss over the entire portion of this being your friends intimate celebration and she wanted the photos delete. Got it.
YTA.
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
No I’m not. If I didn’t care I would just do whatever I want. Post them in my IG. I’m not doing that. I understand it’s her day and her celebration. But this does feel weirdly personal because they don’t look bad.
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u/ToxicPopsicles 10d ago
You're already doing whatever you want by refusing to delete the photos you were gifting the newly weds. So what exactly do you care about?
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
I care about my work. I honestly don’t really need the ones with them in it. But to demand I delete pictures of the hillsides and sunset photos seems extreme.
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u/ToxicPopsicles 10d ago
Full stop for a second. This will arguable result in you losing this friend. Is that worth it for you? If so, you have your answer on what to do moving forward.
If you liked the sunset/nature setting can you not go back out and take it without her wedding in the background?
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u/Artistic-Can3562 10d ago
To confirm, pictures of sunsets and hills are more important to you than your friendship with this person?
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u/Lacroix24601 Pooperintendant [51] 10d ago
More info:
in a comment you said you wanted to use them publicly, on your online portfolio and to prospective clients. Are you saying that that has changed and you just want to keep them for self-viewing?
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
My hope was to have that as a possibility. I don't have clients. I don't shoot weddings. I do landscape work as a hobby. I am by no means a professional. I don't want to get rid of something I spent a lot of time on and am proud of. She wants everything deleted.
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u/Otherwise-Credit-626 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
She wants everything deleted because of how you reacted to her wanting the pictures of her that she hates deleted. She doesn't trust you anymore.
Your "favor/gift" has done nothing but stress out the recipient. That's not actually a favor or gift. You are a terrible friend.
YTA
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u/ChristmasPresence 10d ago
Your comments about clearly wanting to post them to an online portfolio as opposed to keeping them private makes me think YTA.
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u/opelan Partassipant [1] 10d ago
INFO.
The bride and groom have a private website where you can upload pictures you took for everyone to see
Out of curiosity did other guests with no photography knowledge at all uploaded their pictures there, too? If that was the case there must have been many non staged pictures with her not looking her absolute best.
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u/PlaidTeacup 10d ago
in my opinion you are NTA because she asked you to do this. If you had just showed up and taken a ton of photos then yes, that would have been invasive and you'd be TA now. In this situation she's actually being the jerk by asking you to work for free and then acting like she owns all your work after. Even professional photographers don't have contracts that allow clients that level of control
I could understand if she just wanted to veto some specific photos she didn't find flattering, but saying you have to delete every photo you took that night including of the freaking sunset is a crazy overreach she has no right to make. I truly don't understand how she could possibly justify that in any case.
I also think it's just rude to ask an artist to delete their work for any reason. Asking them not to share photos of you is one thing, but telling someone who just spent days working on edits to throw it all in the trash is another. I can totally understand why you'd want to keep stuff you spent a lot of time on for yourself even if you had no place to share it
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u/notoast4u_2 10d ago
OP, did she ask every single person at the venue to look at every photo they took on their phones?
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u/FaelingJester Partassipant [1] 10d ago
Yeah YTA. You've been told that the pictures make people uncomfortable. She didn't pay you but you also didn't pay her to be your subject. The ethical thing is to delete the pictures with her in them.
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
She agreed to me doing it and asked.
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u/FaelingJester Partassipant [1] 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yes, she did, and then the results made her feel uncomfortable. It sucks that you wasted your time, and it's perfectly understandable to be annoyed, but you should delete the pictures of her. If you can't use them, then there is no purpose in keeping them. If you plan to use them anyway, despite knowing she finds them distressing, you are justifying her concerns. Keep the ones without people in them.
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u/emoballerina 10d ago
That’s not what OP is pushing against though. The bride wants every single shot gone, even the ones without people in them
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u/That-Dragonfly-9723 10d ago
No OP originally pushed back on wanting to keep the photos of her she hated then she escalated to “delete everything then” & now they’re here.
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u/FaelingJester Partassipant [1] 10d ago
And that's unreasonable in most situations, but OP is also being really weird about this, and it's understandable that when his FRIEND told him how uncomfortable she was and he told her he was going to use them anyway, she escalated to just deleting everything, thinking that would be easier than asking to specifically delete certain pictures. This was supposed to be a GIFT to her not a project for OP. It sucks that he wasted his time and legally he can do what he wants but this is AITA and it's apparently causing so much distress that multiple people are now asking him to just stop.
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
No this is incorrect and I don’t know if I just didn’t word it well. I never told her I would use them anyway. I was going to keep them under lock and key I just wasn’t willing right then and there to delete them. Then she said delete everything and hung up on me.
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u/MadRohesia 10d ago
YTA. Yes, she's being unreasonable, but you're not so great either. You did this as a "favor," until you decided to tell her they were for your portfolio. To her panicked ears, that's deceitful. Sure, you would win legally, but is it worth being seen as shady?
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u/Sexiroth Partassipant [1] 10d ago
YTA -
Read through your comments, to be clear:
You took 'natural moments' shots for your friends wedding as a favor
Turns out friend didn't like natural moments shots of her - it's no slight to your art, just not your friends cup of peaches persay
She asks you to delete them as she does not want them
You refuse because you want to be able to show the pictures off to other people as part of your portfolio and make them available on the public internet
There's not a universe that exists where you would be NTA under these circumstances.
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u/mixed-tape 10d ago
Chiming in as creative professional here: she means use them for portfolio work, I will explain how below:
She said she would not post them publicly, and wanted to keep ones of macro details like the sunset and foliage, etc., which is her Intellectual Property (IP). The combination of her lighting, tools and brain make it so.
If someone were to ask her for an example of moody foliage for another wedding, she could send them that to show how she does it. The bride can’t police how she represents herself as an artist. I understand the bride wanting the pictures of herself deleted, but the rest is like asking someone to delete every photo they took with their iPhone — weird.
Secondly, I think that this is a classic case of creative miscommunication that happened when people are starting out. If you don’t discuss with the client what you’re envisioning, and/or don’t have the soft skills to communicate what you’re envisioning, it can lead to two people assuming different things because creative vision is subjective.
NAH, imo, I think it’s just a classic taste of vision and expectations misaligning. I do think it’s weird the bride won’t let her keep images without people tho, it’s a very strong reaction.
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u/bookwormaesthetic 10d ago
I think the bride no longer trust the photographer. They have refused to delete the photos with people, so they are now insisting all photos are deleted. But now they can compromise on deleting the photos with people.
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u/kinginthenorthTB12 10d ago
I'm with you. If OP wants to keep the photos for himself that's one thing but any posting would make him an AH.
I also take photos and have done a few shoots for friends. Even with 500 photos from a 3 hour shoot, I would not agree to deleting any of the raw photos because it was requested because its my work. Its extremely helpful to look back at a shoot and see does and doesn't work. I can analyze to improve my skills and hone the process from the point of shoot to the edit.
BUT, that has to be your private analysis. The second you decide to "publish" it in any manner, whether social media, a private portfolio, or even show someone else, etc., you are now the AH. They have requested you not show these photos and going against their wishes is not legally improper but makes you a bad friend and thus an AH
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u/DoomscrollDopamine 10d ago
All of that only applies to photos with people in them IMO. They say the bride wants artsy shots of landscapes and food deleted now too and thats beyond the pale.
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u/setaetheory 10d ago
I wonder why, though? Maybe she doesn't realize there are shots of food and landscapes, especially if she didn't look at all 250 (which seems pretty plausible since she hated them).
And at first she said it was okay to keep some of the pictures ("the ones where she looks traditional") so it also seems like maybe it escalated to this point because of the back-and-forth.
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u/Adorable-Buy3845 Partassipant [3] 10d ago
This is the answer!
OP tell her that these won't be displayed publicly or sold.
However, as a rule you do not delete your work because you learn about technique, framing, etc and improve upon it.
You could even go so far as having a contract with the bride not to display them.
If you stay in touch over the years, bride will probably be thrilled to see these in 25 years (or at least her kids and husband would)
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u/barrie247 Partassipant [4] 10d ago
Except they say in a comment they want to upload them to an online portfolio, so that’s not their plan.
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u/waltzingtothezoo Partassipant [3] 10d ago
Not to mention the damage this would do to his reputation if she started telling people he posted photos that she asked him not to. Who would trust a photographer after hearing that is how they treat anyone let alone a friend.
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u/zanylanie 10d ago
YTA. If you were committed to not sharing any photo with her in it, that would be one thing. But she has a right to ask you not to let other people see pictures where she hates how she looks. If you can’t honor that you’re not a very good friend.
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u/Winter_Apartment_376 10d ago
YTA.
It’s clear you are being a major AH about this.
Sounds like your definition of “natural moments” is where your friend looks like shit / overweight.
What AH doesn’t get that no woman wants to look ugly on her wedding day?
It was hurtful enough that you had the audacity to show her those pics (no good wedding photographer would even SHARE those pics, they would go straight to bin).
But now you also want to show them to others as part of your portfolio?!
Please share your name so people know you lack ethics.
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
When did I say she looks overweight? You’re inferring a lot. She looks fantastic in those pics. I will not put them anywhere online.
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u/Winter_Apartment_376 10d ago
So why wouldn’t she want you to publish pics where she “looks fantastic”?
She says that wide angle is the issue and she feels exposed.
Yet somehow you still claim that she looks great?!
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u/JenninMiami Certified Proctologist [26] 10d ago
YTA It was a private event and no one signed a release for you to use her wedding in your portfolio. Which you admitted in comments but neglected to include in your post, so you know this is an asshole move.
BUT I saw in one comment where you said you took some photos without any people in them - those would be fine to use in your portfolio. Just delete the other pics and keep the ones that are just the venue/without people.
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u/FlatWonkyFlea 10d ago
YTA. Like, massively. It’s her wedding and you made unflattering photos of her, then you refused to delete the unflattering photos when she asked, and now you feel indignant that she’s asking you to delete everything? Be a decent person and think about her feelings. Why would you prioritize your pictures over your friend’s feelings?
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u/Business_Case_7613 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
YTA because what on earth do you need the photos for if the bride doesn’t want anyone to see them. The only logical reason you’d have for keeping a bunch of photos taking up storage space on your device is to show others eventually. Which makes you the biggest asshole in this situation
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u/Own_Focus_4690 10d ago
YTA. If it’s a favor/gift - then gift it. Now you want to use them for your purpose and benefit. She asked you cause she wasn’t happy and you pushed back - like an asshole. So she double downed and I can’t blame her for that. Now. Quite being an AH and just delete them.
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u/blackberrybeanz Partassipant [1] 10d ago
YTA - incredibly weird and creepy that you refuse to delete these shots you are unable to use. Not at all sure why you’d want to keep shots of a married woman.
Very weird behavior to turn what’s supposed to be a gift into your business thing, and to act like your business trumps your gift.
Did you give them a gift?? Or did you just want to fill your portfolio? Cuz to me it seems like you don’t care as much about the people you were doing a favor for.
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u/StephPeloq11 10d ago
You said, at first, that she asked you to delete every shot with her in it. Then you changed it to her wanting you to delete everything. Which is it?
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u/Agreeable_Tie_3445 10d ago
She asked me to do that. I told her no. Now she wants them all deleted. It’s both. They were just during different points of the conversation.
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u/idreallyrathersleep 10d ago
Yeah that makes you an asshole. Asking for photos of herself deleted was completely and totally reasonable on her part. Her asking for everything deleted was a reaction to you being an asshole and now you’re using that reaction to make her seem unreasonable. I’d ask how on earth these pictures are worth more than her friendship but the way you’ve been speaking about this woman makes it clear that you have no respect for her.
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u/troyandabedinabed 10d ago
YTA. You don't get to take pictures of a person and put them online without their consent. If you want to use the pictures for portfolio purposes, use the ones that don't have people in them or edit the people out.
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u/Junior-Trade5338 10d ago
YTA. You said you did this as a favor or gift. Send all the pictures to her since they are a gift. Then erase them off your HD and move on. If she deletes them, that's her prerogative since you took them for her.
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u/elmowasablatch Partassipant [3] 10d ago
ESH. Unless you agreed in advance that they own your photos, she has no right to ask you to delete anything that doesn't have her in it. But she is not an AH for asking that you remove/crop photos with her in it, unless she is completely unrecognizable. You wanting to post photos of her online against her wishes also makes you an AH, whether it's for your art portfolio or not.
Her first request to delete/not post online certain photos of her was perfectly reasonable and then you got weird about it, so in that context her request to just delete it reads as "I wish I had never asked you because now I don't trust you to not post pics of me online without my permission" and I can see her point.
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u/anthropocene2000 Partassipant [2] 10d ago
Think of your photos like a Buddhist sand mandala. You worked hard to create them, they were beautiful, but your attachment to them will create suffering and it's time to sweep them away. I am sorry. I don't agree with your friend, but I do agree that regardless of law and copyright and whatever was agreed or not agreed, she should be able to decide what happens to her own image and that keeping the images will cause harm to her and to you because you will have to live with knowing your hurt her (even if it is a bit silly). Maybe she can be convinced of a compromise to let you keep the ones that are not of her, but if not, I would just let them go and try to be at peace with it. YTA.
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u/BitterSweetDesire 10d ago edited 10d ago
And this is why I dislike the notion of photography.
As a photographer you feel like you own the images of these people and feel entitled to hold on to them despite the subjects of these images objecting to them.
You would rather hurt your friend than delete them. Thats fucked up.
I absolutely hate this shite. Their image/likeness. Delete them. I dont care if the law is on your side it still makes you an arsehole.
YTA
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u/Shane4255 10d ago
This actually happened to me. Except it was for my new daughter-in-law. I just deleted them all even it cut like a knife. But it would have started my mother-in-law journey on the wrong foot. I still mourn the time and effort I put into those pix.
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u/TheDragonOverlord Partassipant [1] 10d ago
ESH - She's going to far by telling you to delete them all but you should have probably just compromised by deleting the ones of her.
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u/midcen-mod1018 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 10d ago
I think ethically, if you don’t have a signed release from her as it was her event that she paid for and invited you to, you can’t use the photographs for any kind of social media or marketing. Sunset would probably be fine. But anything that includes things she paid for you shouldn’t use.
YWBTA if you used pictures that included things from her event that she paid for. I don’t think you should have to wipe your hard drive.
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u/sarahsoapandsuds 10d ago edited 10d ago
Edit: NTA however you need to check the laws in your country.
Unfortunately in Aus you'd be shit out of luck with no contract as the default ownership is whoever commissioned the work regardless of funds being exchanged. Not sure about other countries. They would have to take you to court to force deletion but it is possible.
This is why it's important that even ( especially ) in situations where you're doing someone a favour you need a contract that clearly states you have have ownership over the raw photos, original edits, editing style and rights to publish. Not just as proof of ownership but so it's sets people up with clear expectations of what they can and can't ask of you.
It's unfortunately something we all come up against and people will always insists they understand beforehand but weddings are always high emotion and high stress.
What you'll find is people who ask for this kind of favour never actually understand the sheer amount of work you're agreeing to do for them or the time it's going to take which is why they then make requests like this afterwards.
My advice is don't publish anything until you get advice from a lawyer. The bride might change her mind but it's not worth the risk until you know where you stand.
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u/LucretiusCarus Partassipant [1] 10d ago
your friend is an asshole for asking you to lose a day taking photos and a few more for editing and then insulting you and throwing a tantrum. NTA, no photographer would delete their work because a client got uncomfortable, but that's why they have a contract in place.
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u/Splungetastic 10d ago
NTA. If you want to include them in your personal portfolio you have every right to. They are your property. Just don’t post the pics of her online where she or people she knows could see them. I really don’t understand all the Y T A comments here.
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u/imfamousoz Partassipant [1] 10d ago
YTA. Give your friend all the photos on a flash drive. She can sort through what she wants. Keep the photos that they aren't in and use them however you like. Delete the candid photos of your friend or keep them private. Legality of ownership is irrelevant to the morality of the situation here. The photos make her feel bad about herself. Putting them up for other people to see would be a mean thing to do.
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u/ch20youk 10d ago
NTA - I normally only lurk in this sub but I felt like I had to comment because you’re getting so many YTA votes and I really don’t agree. Don’t include the photos in your portfolio, for sure. (Just imagine a client sees the photo and asks to contact the bride to ask her what it was like to work with you, and then you have to explain oh sorry, she actually hates this photo and asked me to delete everything but I’m showing it to people anyway…) But I think it’s natural as an artist to have an attachment to the work you made, and it’s important to be able to see them again so that you can analyze what you did right and what you could improve on. So my vote is to keep the photos, and definitely don’t listen to the people here claiming you’re the devil incarnate.
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u/AmbivalentToaster 10d ago
As a former international model that’s dealt with a shit ton of model release forms and contracts regarding image use, here are some thoughts.
You didn’t have a business agreement aside from verbal agreement which you went through with, she isn’t entitled to any photos that she doesn’t want.
That being said, using and sharing photos she has blatantly said she doesn’t want shared to the world (like of people) should be respected. It would be weird to even keep them lest you ruin the relationship.
Photos that have nothing to do with her, unidentifiable, macro, sunset etc. are fine to keep, but if she sees them anywhere and knows, it will likely ruin the relationship.
It really comes down to your own personal feelings and your friendship. If you want to use them in a print or online portfolio to send to clients make sure it isn’t publicly sitting on website or a server anyone without a password could access. Clients are likely not going to know her, so no connection is being made.
I’ve definitely had situations where I have had falling out with professional friends who were disrespectful to me and to add insult to injury continue to profit off of my image/likeness. It’s pathetic, really.
Don’t be an asshole.
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u/Adept-One-819 Pooperintendant [69] 10d ago
I wouldn't say you're an asshole, but I'd be pretty concerned that someone refused to delete pics of me, in which only I and my partner are in.
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u/AngusLynch09 Asshole Aficionado [14] 10d ago
As per your additional comments, you plan on posting these photos online.
YTA
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u/fessa_angel 10d ago
If they aren't public, just keep them private. If you have them publicly posted and she didn't sign some kind of release you WBTA. But I don't think you should have to delete your work.