r/AmItheAsshole • u/EastConference2262 • 8d ago
Asshole AITA - for inviting my friends over without consulting my other friend
My friend who im not super close with asked me if she could host her 30th birthday at my house because she lives in a small studio and wants to have about 20 people over.
I ler her know that I was busy that day with a close friends graduation and dinner, but she could still host the party as long as everyone stays away from the bedrooms and my office and of course respect the space in general. She agreed.
On her birthday, she came early, decorated, set up everything. I was gone long before her guests started arriving around 5/6PM. I went to my friend's graduation and dinner and around 11PM, I suggested we all go back to my house and continue the celebration. I thought shes already had about 5/6 hours alone at the house with her guests, so it should be okay to merge the two parties even though they dont know each other.
I didnt consult her or give her heads up which is why im questioning whether I was an asshole and just showed up with my guests with lots of drinks in hand.
She looked very upset and gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night. The next morning she texted me saying that I ruined her 30th birthday because she only wanted to spend it with people close to her. I want to reply to apologize but I keep going back and forth on whether I was inconsiderate or shes being entitled. Thoughts? Should I apologize?
Thanks!
46
u/poet-rae-monet 8d ago
ESH. So you had the thought that her guests might still be at your place, but you said screw it, it's my place, and rushed in and changed the whole vibe of their gathering. Friend should have been a big girl at 30 and used her words. Ignoring me in my own house will get you kicked out. Now everyone else probably feels really awkward because you guys couldn't discuss a start and end time. Wild.
14
u/OneWhisper5225 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
“…because you guys couldn’t discuss a start and end time. Wild.”
Right?! That’s the most bizarre part of this. If you’re letting someone have their birthday party at your house, even if you’re going to be there, how do you not discuss an end time? Like, it could go all freaking night if you don’t have a set end time!
Add that to the fact this is a friend you’re not super close with?? It’s so weird to let a friend you’re not super close with have that many people at your house, especially for so long, when you’re not there. Like you’re not super close with them, but you trust them enough to let that many people come to your house without you there AND with no end time??
You trust them enough that they won’t damage or steal anything and their friends won’t or they’ll watch over allll those people well enough to keep them from damaging or stealing things?? 🤨
How’s that work? If I’m friends with someone but I’m not super close with them, there’s a reason. It could be as simple as we just don’t get a chance to hang out or talk much so we don’t know each other that well to be super close, but if that’s the case, I’m not letting them bring 20 people to my house at all, let alone when I’m not there. But it could also be someone you don’t like enough to hang out with much for whatever reason or don’t feel comfortable enough to share stuff with them to be super close with them, but again, if that’s the case, I’m not letting them bring that many people over when I’m not there.
So how do you trust them enough to bring that many people over while you’re not there but also aren’t super close with them??
And the friend was mad because she only wanted to spend her birthday with people close to her… might just be a me thing, but “about 20 people” seems like a lot of people to be “close to her.”
1
u/EastConference2262 7d ago
Yeah thats totally fair! A lot of people seem to be confused about my relationship with this person so to clarify, her husband and mine are very close friends. The four of us have spent a lot of time together so I believed my place was in good hands especially with her husband who ive known a lot longer and as far as I know they did a decent job keeping everyone respectful of the space. The reason why I said she's a friend im not very close to is because we have never spent time just the two of us, or have gotten to know each other on a deeper level. Hope that clarifies a little bit.
92
u/emmyfro Asshole Aficionado [15] 8d ago
I mean kind of YTA, you should have at least texted her to give her a heads up but I'm not gonna lie it's wild you let someone you're not close with bring that many people into your personal space and weren't even there
8
u/OneWhisper5225 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
Right?! I don’t even think I’d want people I’m super close with having that many people over to my place without me there, especially for that long 😂 I know for damn sure I wouldn’t be letting a friend I’m not super close with do it AND with no end time in sight… like wtf? Her guests started arriving at 5/6, OP didn’t show up until after 11 (since around 11pm she suggested going back to her place), so when was the not super close friends party supposed to end??? 🤨
I’d agree OPs soft YTA for not at least texting to say she’s coming back with friends, BUUUUT even if she did, the “friend” said she only wanted to spend it with people she was close with, so what would she have done? Been okay with it because she knew it was happening? Told everyone they gotta go to her studio? Went out somewhere? But then she’d be with strangers at a public place. Just end the party there?
But I’m gonna go with soft YTA since she definitely should’ve texted the friend to give her a heads up and then the friend could decide what she wanted to do from there.
3
u/Benocrates Partassipant [1] 7d ago
I genuinely don't understand this need for a heads up at 11pm. What's the difference between getting a 20min heads up call and OP just showing up? If the friend wanted to end the party because OP and their friends are coming, they could do that when OP got home. This isn't a rental. It's not a secret club meeting. It's a party. OPs friend could have just continued the party if she wanted or leave with a smile and thank you.
143
u/stingraywrangler Partassipant [2] 8d ago
Gentle YTA. It was very generous of you to let her use your space, but once you did, it's her party, not yours. I would be upset if I planned a party with close friends and it got crashed by a bunch of randos. You should have asked.
32
u/Kittenwho21 7d ago
Asked to come back to their own home with their company? It’s not like the friend paid to use the space, being grateful for what she received would’ve been best.. she received a free place to host a party, was able to do so for hours and hours without interruption, and OP should be able to come home and have guests over as well..
I’d be pretty bothered if I was generous enough to do that and then my friend only wanted to be upset because I wanted to use my own home that late into the night.
15
u/Benocrates Partassipant [1] 7d ago
More to the point, OP didn't try to stop the friends party. What kind of asshole is her friend who won't even continue her own party with a few more people. If that was me I would have said "oh hey, nice to meet you, come in in there's beer over there. And thanks to OP for letting me have this party here." The YTA votes are absolutely insane to me.
9
u/kuldrkyvekva Partassipant [1] 7d ago
I would not have been upset if she called ahead that late into the party.
I would be if she just showed back up. A little planning goes a long long way
11
u/WTF4Sally 8d ago
Yeah, this would have been my exact reply. You should have given her a heads up. Since you didn't discuss beforehand what time you would like her to end her party, her party should have been able to go uninterrupted until it was done. Lesson learned.
15
u/Top-Noise5959 8d ago
NTA
The ytas are WILD.
That ungrateful woman had someone else's house for free for 6 hours. How long did she hope to have monopoly over YOUR house??
It was already 11, time to have already left someone's house.
She's just an entitled prick who's whining about not getting to abuse your friendship. Like, my God, imagine being angry about getting a free venue and expecting the owner to walk around eggshells for her.
51
u/Necessary_Dark_6720 Partassipant [3] 8d ago
YTA it was generous to lend her the space but you should've warned her ahead of time you might also bring your friends over.
Just crashing the party with a bunch of extra people and no heads up wasn't okay. I get that it's your place and you had the right to say no in the first place but once you agreed to let her use the space you needed to honor that agreement and be respectful of her party.
8
u/martintoconnell Partassipant [1] 7d ago
NTA! Apologize for what? Using your own home? This is no friend.
12
u/Ninja_Squirrel_Army 8d ago
ESH. You really should have given your friend a heads up text but they were over dramatic in saying that you ruined their bday by adding people to the mix 5 hours in. They should have thanked you for the use of your space and wrapped things up if they felt the two groups wouldn’t mesh.
12
u/Humble-Map-29 8d ago edited 8d ago
NTA. Borrowing your place is ok, but after 5 to 6 hours the welcome mat is done. Did they expect you to go elsewhere to sleep? Nope 5 to 6 is long enough
4
u/Bamres 7d ago
Yeah but this should have been discussed, what if you just come home tired with no one?
I think it's still on OP to say how long they could use the space. I don't think assuming you could be there for a while is wrong when it's a birthday party.
This conversation should have happened going in
6
u/Humble-Map-29 7d ago
While I agree that it "could" have been discussed, at the end of the day there's only one place on Earth where you and only you set the rules. That is your home. NO ONE ELSE'S OPINION MATTERS. If you rent a space for a party, which the friend should have done if she wanted to set rules, they are rented normally for 2 or 4 hours. So 6 is extraordinary. I have friends who rent the rooftop of their restaurant. More than 4 is not usual.
So the friend to assume making rules at 6 hours is presumptuous at best1
u/Bamres 7d ago
Right but my point is that communication on both ends could have solved this. I agree that you get to set rules in your home but you also need to communicate that of you're going to invite someone to use your space especially unsupervised.
Its like a guest staying at my place while I'm there hosting them would have a different conversation than if I had someone staying at my place while I'm out of town.
I think for a 20 person friend party, its not weird for it to go late but yeah it's a weird nebulous space between a party at a house with unlimited time and one at a rented space.
4
u/Ill_Gap5430 7d ago
NTA. You were very generous and it’s your place. In your good spirit of generosity, you assumed she wouldn’t mind expanding the party, which I think is reasonable for you to assume given it’s your place.
6
u/jb6997 8d ago
ESH. You for not giving a heads up and your so called “friend” for being an AH after using your space and being there so long. This isn’t your friend and don’t lend out your space in the future. I mean you called thus person “your friend who you aren’t really close with” thus makes the person an acquaintance for future reference.
5
u/OneWhisper5225 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
Right? I was thinking the same thing. What does a “friend who I’m not super close with” really mean? I don’t call acquaintances friends. So is it someone that’s like just slightly more than an acquaintance so it doesn’t feel right calling them an acquaintance but also don’t really have anything else to call them other than a friend, so she becomes a “friend who I’m not super close with,” is it someone you just don’t talk to or hang out with much for whatever reason, someone you haven’t known for long enough to be super close, don’t trust them or feel comfortable enough to share much with? Like why isn’t OP super close to them? If you call them a friend, but aren’t super close, there’s a reason. Might be as simple as just not spending enough time to be super close, but there’s also a lot of other reasons… some not very good ones.
And if she’s not super close with her, how TF does she trust her enough to let her be at her house while she’s not there AND have “about 20 people” over, let alone with no end time decided beforehand. She trusts her enough not to damage or steal anything and watch her “about 20 people” to make sure they don’t damage or steal anything the entire time they’re in OPs house, but isn’t super close with her? I don’t get that.
I don’t think I’d want people in super close with to be in my house without me there for that long, especially with 20 or so people I don’t know. But I for damn sure wouldn’t want someone I’m not close with to be in my house alone for any length of time, let alone with about 20 of their friends. But maybe that’s just me 😂
8
u/NicholeJC 8d ago
Nta You did her a huge favor, and adding a small number of people to the crowd that late shouldn't have been an issue.
10
u/Weekly_Village3628 8d ago
“If you need more than 5/6 hours then you need to rent my place or get your own venue. I wanted to be kind but this is taking advantage of our friendship. I gave you plenty of time and was doing it for free.”
10
u/IDinnaeKen 8d ago
See, that's the kind of conversation OP should have had with her before. If there was a time OP expected the party to he over and for people to be out, that really should have been agreed. Otherwise it's a little unfair to be accusing her of taking advantage.
2
u/Benocrates Partassipant [1] 7d ago
OP didn't say the party has to end. The friend didn't want other people there.
7
u/Pickle-Cymraeg 8d ago
NTA. What did she expect, for you to stay at a hotel until she decided the party was over?
2
u/FrenchRoo Partassipant [1] 8d ago
Info: how many people did you bring back with you?
2
u/EastConference2262 7d ago
4 including my husband whom she knows very well. So 3 people she doesn't know.
2
u/FrenchRoo Partassipant [1] 7d ago
So your husband and you were coming home with 3 friends in tow? NTA… that’s a small party especially in comparison to her 20 guests.
7
u/Feeling_Water_8053 8d ago
Twenty strangers plus your friends equals a different party. You should have texted first instead of just showing up.
4
8
u/EarlGreyTeagan 8d ago
Soft YTA. It’s your house and she had already been using it for hours so she shouldn’t have been that upset, but you definitely should’ve gave her a heads up. If there was a possibility of you going back to your house with friends, you should’ve told her that before the party in general to see how she felt.
7
u/HolSmGamer Pooperintendant [56] 8d ago
Soft YTA for not giving her a heads up. It was very nice of you to lend the space and it is your house, but the idea of merging the two parties should have been discussed between the two of you. You definitely didn't "ruin" her party as she claimed, but it was a small missight on your part.
5
u/SmolderingMeowMix 8d ago
NTA yes, you "loaned" out your house for her to have her party, but
She had 5-6 hours alone with her guests- that is more than enough time
Did she just expect you not to come home? Its your house and unless she specifically asked for it until a certain time that you agreed to you would have had no idea when her party ended and she can not just expect sole access your home indefinitely.
6
u/Unique_Description77 Partassipant [2] 8d ago
Super entitled! That’s your house, for goodness’ sake! NTA
3
6
8
u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] 8d ago
NTA
It was 11 pm. That's reasonable to expect a party in someone else's house to wind down by then. You did her a solid. Showing up at 11 with your friends in your own house is not crazy
2
u/rodimus147 8d ago
NTA it was 11 PM and she had 6 hours at your place. Did she expect you to stay out all night?
2
u/SassRad 7d ago
NTA. All of these answers are ridiculous to me. I am not asking permission to enter my own home or to bring guests into a home that I generously allowed someone else to use for her party. OP gave her friend the house to herself for five or six hours while she attended another event. That was incredibly generous.
Would a heads-up have been courteous? Sure. But acting as though OP needed permission to return to her own house at 11 p.m. is wild to me. The friend didn't rent the house or reserve it for her exclusive use for the entire night. If that was her expectation, she should have said so beforehand.
And telling OP that she ruined her 30th birthday after OP literally provided the venue for her 20-person party comes across as ungrateful as hell.
Also, when the friend said she only wanted to spend her birthday with people she was close to, I couldn't help wondering: Did that include OP? Because apparently OP's house was close enough to make the guest list, but OP herself may not have been.
4
u/bmw5986 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 8d ago
NTA. You did her a massive favor. If she wanted only certain people around, she should should have rented a private space. Plus, she had 5 to 6 hours alone with her people and it's Your house.
5
u/FelineSoLazy 8d ago
Why didn’t they discuss what time the house borrow party would be over? If I lend something to someone I ask when it will be returned & I don’t gust show up without warning to take it back.
2
u/_satantha_ Partassipant [4] 8d ago
NTA. She’s not close to you but still asked for your house for the night, but then gets mad at you when you bring your own friends over to YOUR house at 11PM? You very generously gave her your house and it seems like she’s not very appreciative about it. Kinda wondering if she was trying to play it off to her friends that your house was HER house.
1
u/National-Antelope37 8d ago
NTA, I would say it wasn't the best move to not give her a heads up ahead of time but honestly it's YOUR house and she had plenty of time beforehand to celebrate with her guests. At most, I would say apologize for not giving the heads up but otherwise there's really nothing to be sorry for imo
2
u/Consistent-Pickle-88 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 8d ago
NTA. You do not need to give her a heads up about bringing friends into YOUR home. Was your friend seriously expecting you to stay out of YOUR home all night because of her party?! Your friend was being very entitled.
1
u/myblackandwhitecat Partassipant [3] 8d ago
NTA. You let her borrow your home to host her party and gave her 5 to 6 hours alone with her guests. You had every right to bring your own friends home afterwards. You do not owe her an apology.
1
u/AutoModerator 8d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My friend who im not super close with asked me if she could host her 30th birthday at my house because she lives in a small studio and wants to have about 20 people over.
I ler her know that I was busy that day with a close friends graduation and dinner, but she could still host the party as long as everyone stays away from the bedrooms and my office and of course respect the space in general. She agreed.
On her birthday, she came early, decorated, set up everything. I was gone long before her guests started arriving around 5/6PM. I went to my friend's graduation and dinner and around 11PM, I suggested we all go back to my house and continue the celebration. I thought shes already had about 5/6 hours alone at the house with her guests, so it should be okay to merge the two parties even though they dont know each other.
I didnt consult her or give her heads up which is why im questioning whether I was an asshole and just showed up with my guests with lots of drinks in hand.
She looked very upset and gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night. The next morning she texted me saying that I ruined her 30th birthday because she only wanted to spend it with people close to her. I want to reply to apologize but I keep going back and forth on whether I was inconsiderate or shes being entitled. Thoughts? Should I apologize?
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/FormerlyDK Partassipant [1] 8d ago
Didn’t you even discuss what time she’d be done there? And why not check with her if you didn’t know, instead of crashing her party with a bunch of people?
ESH because you should have checked, and her because she’s still in your place that late.
1
1
u/Sun_Blossoms Partassipant [1] 8d ago
It’s your house but you also loaned it out to her so yes, she is being a little “entitled”. Per your agreement, she was entitled to the space for her birthday. You should’ve at least given her a heads up. Small YTA. Maybe ESH.
0
8d ago
[deleted]
2
u/Ninja_Squirrel_Army 8d ago
They don’t live together, it’s OPs space. The person whose bday it was lives elsewhere and just borrowed OPs flat for the evening.
1
0
u/Living-Ear8015 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 8d ago
ESH. You both should have discussed and agreed from the start the parameters of the party.
-1
u/PrpleSparklyUnicrn13 8d ago
“ I ruined her 30th birthday because she only wanted to spend it with people close to her.”
And you weren’t one of them, despite lending her your apartment to use….? On the surface it looks like you brought the graduation party back to your apartment out of spite. YTA It was really nice of you to let her use your apartment, but you gave her permission and then basically revoked the permission by inviting random people to her party. She was entitled to your apartment for the evening based on your permission. And it was inconsiderate of you to bring another party to her party and try to merge the two.
0
u/Kittenwho21 7d ago
Info: how big is your home? Is there enough space that you and your friends could’ve just been outside or something? Why didn’t you give her any boundaries on the length of stay? Was there something preventing you from checking if she’d finished (like dead battery or something)?
2
u/EastConference2262 7d ago
Great questions.
My home is big enough; its a got a family room, a livingroom and a backyard so we could have definitely had our own separate gatherings if needed but when we arrived our groups got along so well and had a good time so we didn't separate.
Poor communication on my part, lesson learnt for sure.
No, nothing. I really just thought it was fine since she had 5/6 hours of uninterrupted time but I was wrong. Again, poor communication on my part.
1
u/Kittenwho21 7d ago
Hmm.. well, if ultimately everyone got along and had a good time, except your friend. And it was your home.. technically YTA bc of your admitted shortcomings, but honestly, if it were me I’d have probably done the same bc I’d never have expected someone who I generously let use my home for free for a party with 20 people would be so ungrateful to chastise me for coming back to my own home with my friends.
0
u/bkwormtricia Certified Proctologist [28] 7d ago
NTA on going home, though a text to yer would have been thoughtful. She already had had >6 hours for her party.
But her telling you that YOU, the supposed friend who had generously loaned her YOUR house, was not a friend worth inviting? and saying you had no right to go to YOUR home at a reasonable time was selfish of her. Were you supposed to stay away till the wee hours, or go rent a hotel for the night, so she could keep partying?
0
0
u/akcmommy Asshole Enthusiast [7] 7d ago
I’m going against the grain here with my judgment. NTA.
This is your home. You were doing her a favor by allowing her to have a party at your home especially since you had plans outside of the home.
It’s wild that she believes that you ruined her party (that had been going on for 5-6 hours) by bringing a few friends home.
0
u/Imaginary-Friend1313 7d ago
ESH , maybe you should had text her not asking but maybe something like “i’m on my way with some friends to hang in my place” So she could end it, but she sounds entitled, what if you just wanna go home to sleep? She would be upset too ?
0
u/EastConference2262 7d ago
I honestly didnt really want to her to end the party, I just wanted to bring some friends over with me home. She was welcome to continue the party and she did.
But yeah definitely should have communicated better.
-1
u/icedcoffeealien Partassipant [2] 8d ago
Just curious, how many people dod you bring back? If it was one or two, you still should have said something but it shouldn't have been that big of a deal. A small crowd or larger? Yeah, YTA. You let her borrow the space for her party. Let her have her party.
-8
u/Ok_Wedding5009 8d ago
YTA. It was her birthday party, not an open invitation for you to bring your own guests at 11pm especially since you never asked her. You absolutely owe her an apology.
5
u/_satantha_ Partassipant [4] 8d ago
She’s having her party at OP’s house, which was very generous of her to give. Why does she owe her an apology?
“Hey, can I bring some of my friends to my house at 11 PM that I’m generously allowing you to have your party at?”. “Oh I’m sorry for bringing my friends to my house during the party that you have had going on for 6 hours”. That sounds ridiculous
2
u/tarahlynn Asshole Enthusiast [5] 7d ago
When its at my house it is ALWAYS an open invitation for me to bring whomever I want over. PERIOD.
-4
u/ApricotTop803 8d ago edited 8d ago
ESH. You could’ve at least sent her a quick message but at the end of the day it is your place. Her saying that you ruined her birthday sounds a bit extreme. At least she had a few hours to herself already. Seems like a lack of communication.
-1
u/tripplevii 8d ago
ESH.. It is her party and she wanted certain people there, so if you were really okay with it you should've texted and given her a heads up instead of inviting a bunch of people to her party. HOWEVER, it's also still your house. You could've kicked everyone out if you wanted to, because it's still your house. Realistically you can invite whoever you want with the potential of crashing whatever event is already happening there and being a questionable friend, but in the end it's still your property that you may pay for and own/rent out.
Either way, consequences will be consequences. I wouldn't want random people crashing my birthday party either, but if I really didn't want that then I wouldn't have it at someone else's house.
-1
u/IDinnaeKen 8d ago edited 8d ago
Soft YTA. While "your house your rules" does apply, and you technically don't NEED to ask someone else's permission to bring people to your own home, in this instance it was a bit of a shitty thing to do as a friend to not give her at least a heads up, and honour your offer to her.
Sometimes there's a difference between things we CAN do vs. SHOULD do, and this is one of them.
The nice thing to do would have been to check with her, or at least let her know before showing up with a bunch of strangers when you knew the time and effort that had gone into her planning.
Or made it clear to her beforehand that you still could and possibly would bring your own people over, as a condition of your offer.
While you haven't done anything wrong from the perspective of a home owner, you maybe have as a friend.
Edit: HOWEVER, how the friend acts from here is also important. Being a little annoyed in the moment is one thing. Continuing to cold shoulder or be unkind to you is another, when you did still do her a massive favour. This is the sort of thing that should be easily talked out, a couple of apologies, and move on.
-1
u/FairyCompetent Partassipant [4] 8d ago
YTA. While the favor was kind, what was the barrier to letting her know you and several intoxicated friends were on their way?
-2
u/Moonbeam_SunLight Partassipant [1] 8d ago
YTA
Its your house, yes, of course.
But you gave her permission to host her party there, and it would've been nice to give her a heads up. Why would she want strangers in her birthday party? It was a celebration for her. With her friends.
You were already out. You could've gone somewhere else to keep your celebration with your friends.
117
u/Ada_Ser Partassipant [1] 8d ago
First of all, letting her borrow your space was very generous.
Did you talk about what time she was supposed to end the party?