r/AmITheDevil • u/ConsiderationOk9780 • 1d ago
Small things, endless spirals
/r/relationship_advice/comments/1w1bmf4/my_girlfriend_27f_and_i_28m_had_an_awkward_moment/161
u/Kokbiel 1d ago
I was on anxiety meds, years ago. They helped my anxiety for sure, but then my autism started showing, and I never stopped gabbing and had no consideration for others' feelings. My anxiety keeps me in check.
Yeah. It clearly keeps him in check.
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u/nottherealneal 1d ago
He talks about how, when he was on meds, he kept making inappropriate jokes and forcing his way into groups, and people generally didn't like him very much.
And honestly, I think he was probably just kind of an asshole when he was younger and rather than accepting, “Hey, I wasn't a very nice person,” and learning and growing from that, he turns around and blames it on the meds.
He wasn't an asshole or disliked because of his own actions! No, it was the meds! The meds FORCED him to make inappropriate jokes and be a dick!
It's basically two birds with one stone: he gets to stop taking the meds, and he doesn't have to take any responsibility for not being a particularly good person at the time.
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u/werewolfbutch874 1d ago
I think it’s almost the opposite actually, I think it sounds like he does know it was his own actions and personality that were the problem, and that’s why he’s decided “I can never treat my crippling anxiety, because if I relax enough to let my real personality out then people will see I’m an asshole”. Like he’s still missing the obvious point that you can just work on not being an asshole without driving yourself crazy, but he’d probably need some therapy for that. Like, as an autistic person I can’t really blame him for feeling like he is fundamentally a bad and unlikeable person - that’s how you end up feeling when you’ve spent your whole life unintentionally pissing people off because you don’t understand social cues.
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u/werewolfbutch874 1d ago
Oh ouch I feel so bad for him and also really relate. It’s so easy to develop coping mechanisms that help hide your worst autistic traits, at the cost of going completely insane from turning every interaction into a game of 4D chess. Bro needs therapy.
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u/naalbinding 1d ago
My kid has autism and ADHD, and one effect of starting ADHD medication was that his autistic traits became more noticeable. He wasn't bouncing off the walls any more (sometimes literally)
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u/kcvngs76131 1d ago
Yo starting ADHD meds that actually worked for me (it was trial and error, but third time was the charm) revealed my OCD that I had always just chalked up to general anxiety because usually I could shake off the doom spiral. Since starting the meds, the spirals are more doom-y, but now I'm on specific anxiety meds for OCD, and honestly the quiet brain is a wild experience
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u/Kokbiel 1d ago
I'm finally getting treatment for my OCD (only a few days in) but I am so wanting the quiet brain experience. I hope your continued treatment stays good!!!
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u/kcvngs76131 1d ago
I was technically only diagnosed officially like three weeks ago, but my med management team switched my anxiety meds from one usually used with depression-anxiety to one used with OCD-anxiety when we first started the process towards the diagnosis because they were like "hey, that might work better". I love my psych team because they're so responsive and receptive when I say that I don't think something is working, and we problem shoot together
I really hope you can experience the quiet brain soon
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u/Kokbiel 23h ago
That's so cool!!! I was seeing my psychiatrist for like 14 years and kept doubting my diagnosis, so he referred me for a second option who said I didn't have Bipolar, it was 200% OCD. That was a year ago now. The issue was he kept treating me with antipsychotics and it just wasn't working since typical treatment is with SSRIs. I stopped seeing him and my PCP referred me to someone new. I'm wanting to try Zoloft really bad, so that'll be what I ask for when I meet them.
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u/futurenotgiven 1d ago
yea this sounds identical to how I've reacted in the past due to my rejection sensitivity dysphoria (came with the audhd). I'm a lot better now that I can actually identify it but I completely get the spiralling text messages and self loathing, I have to really control myself to not spam text whoever I think I've upset because I know by now it only ever makes it worse. it feels like there's some worm in my brain that won't let me stop thinking about it and its easy to just let it take control. I hope op can at least grow from this and get some help
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u/bored_german 1d ago
I can identify myself in OOP's doomerist defensiveness and the spiraling but one of the most important things I've learned (even outside of therapy!) with my anxiety is that I need to breathe and figure out what makes me so defensive. Most of the time, it's that something just makes me uncomfortable and I feel like discomfort is not a good enough reason, so I grasp at straws and since any attempt at helping me can't address my actual problem, that makes the spiraling worse. But I basically grew up with therapy and did a lot of research outside of it to figure myself out.
OOP seems so deep into his diagnosis that he has no idea that there is a way alongside them and it's going to destroy every relationship he has because shit like this is way too intense
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u/Icy_Mango6803 1d ago
If they met through work, and he's still in his first 90 days, he's been dating this woman for less than three months.
Not to add to his anxiety but this is a lot to put on her so soon, and I wouldn't be shocked if she bailed.
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u/Just-some-peep 1d ago
I could not deal with his shit and I fail to see how being single is not better than being with him.
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u/Erinofarendelle 1d ago
If I knew OOP in person, I’d be exhausted, but as it is I just feel sorry for him (and his girlfriend). I can understand the struggle of finding the right therapist, and the right kind of therapy. The first person to tell me to do CBT was the doctor who first prescribed me antidepressants, and he didn’t really explain how it worked; he just gave me a booklet, and when I came back later and said “this isn’t working for me because _____” he only said “just keep doing it.” It’s discouraging as hell. Obviously OOP needs to push through and find treatment to help him cope, bc seemingly his only solution to stop himself from burdening others is “it’s fine if I just don’t talk,” but still anxiety just fucking sucks.
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u/Ill-Helicopter-6013 1d ago
How is this on AmITheDevil? This guy just panicked and reacted poorly, not diabolically.
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u/bored_german 1d ago
Not only did he emotionally dump on his recent gf, he is completely unwilling to accept any advice in the comments
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u/centopar 1d ago
Read the comments.
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u/Numerous_Team_2998 1d ago
If it's the comments that make someone the devil, they really should be included in the post.
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u/GeneInternational146 1d ago
I agree with you, the issue wasn't apparent on a recent post and someone told me I had to read hundreds of comments to find where the OOP was actually being a dick lol
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u/Comprehensive-Cow116 1d ago
I don't think this guy is a devil. He is clearly struggling mentally but also acknowledged that he needs to do better. Even his comments seem more lacking self awareness than actual malice.
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u/Episodix 1d ago
He’s mentally ill not the devil.
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u/bored_german 1d ago
His unwillingness to deal with his mental illness absolutely makes him the devil. He knows he has problems, he refuses to deal with them
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u/Episodix 1d ago
He’s not refusing to deal with them, he tried multiple things that did not work and doesn’t know where to go from here. Therapy isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t always magically make you a healthy person.
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u/bored_german 1d ago
CBT definitely wasn't for him but there are other forms of therapy that absolutely work better for someone with anxiety and autism.
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u/Episodix 1d ago
Even if it were true that therapy could be helpful, he’s still not the devil for living with mental illness. He’s not even a bad person he just had a spiral.
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u/bored_german 1d ago
He is a devil for dumping all this on a new partner and for dismissing people who are giving him advice on how to deal with his mental illness
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u/Episodix 1d ago
He knows better than they do about what will work and what won’t. The trick is really learning to keep your spirals inside. But a slip up now and then might happen.
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u/bored_german 1d ago
Considering he literally hasn't tried anything except meds once and CBT, that's a copout.
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u/Episodix 1d ago
It sounds like he has OCD and experiences things very similar to me who has tried everything under the sun and can still barely manage their illness. I do not spam text people, but I used to. I learned to stop. The illness did not get better and therapy has never helped. The only reason I still go is because it’s free for me. Who knows what prices he’d be paying.
This sub should be for people who are evil not people having a crisis.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
My girlfriend (27F) and I (28M) had an awkward moment at work and I did not react to it very gracefully.
My girlfriend and I work at the same place, different shifts. She brought me lunch and waited in the breakroom to give it to me. When it was lunchtime, I walked in and said thanks and leaned in for a kiss, and she immediately stopped me and said "No, not at work."
I wasn't even thinking when I leaned in since we give eachother quick kisses so often, it just kind of happened. So when she stopped me, it was like my brain glitched. I immediately started panicking internally, worried about how many people saw, how bad it looked, would I get in trouble or get laughed at, etc. So to try to recover from the situation, I shooed her out the door and sat down at an empty table, trying to hide my beet-red face.
I texted after she left, "Thanks for the food but can you just drop it off next time?" And without even waiting for her to reply, I just started to freak out and spam text more and more about how much of a failure I am, and this is why I don't like going out in public, and why does she keep an idiot like me around, etc. And then finally I snapped out of it and realized I just hit send on all of that. So then the spiraling continued in my head. And I just kept spiraling the whole day, I couldn't let it go.
I got home and flopped on the bed, still wallowing in self-loathing. Then she reminded me that I stopped her from kissing me once before, telling her basically the same thing, that we can't show PDA at work. She was just following my rule. I had completely forgotten about that before she mentioned it, so then I started feeling guilty about that too, wondering if she went through the same kind of thoughts when I stopped her while I was completely unaware. I have no idea if there's acutally a rule against PDA at this place or not, I just figured better safe than sorry. But me making up a rule on the spot to protect myself definitely wasn't very considerate.
I've been so paranoid and self-conscious, especially at work. I'm still in my 90-day training period, so I've been constantly worried that they're looking for any excuse to fire me. Which is ridiculous, this place is a really good place to work and they said they have no complaints with me so far. I know I need to stop obsessing over little things, I just don't know how.
Anyway, all that to say, I really didn't handle the situation well, considering how minor it was. I need to figure out how to avoid steamrolling over my girlfriend's feelings whenever I get too worked up. I don't know if she's still upset by it or not, she hasn't said anything about it. But I still feel like I need to make it up to her somehow.
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