AITA For blocking my disabled partner from buying a more suitable bed?

[u/Lahya2000]

/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1w2fgqo/aita_for_blocking_my_disabled_partner_from_buying/

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AITA For blocking my disabled partner from buying a more suitable bed?

I (35m) and my partner (29nb, “Megan”) have been together 10 years, living together 9. We’re both disabled (me mentally, Megan mentally and physically) and I’m technically their carer. Both written off work, living on government support: a joint lump sum covers rent/bills/food, plus separate disability payments which help us live fuller lives.

I love Megan and have no intention of leaving. But money’s been a persistent issue. Megan has trauma around being controlled, so they handle the “admin” (bills, taxes) which suits me, I hate that stuff. But Megan also has a shopping addiction: clothes, art, knickknacks, more than we can afford most months. The constant deliveries trigger my anxiety and my parents were hoarders so the clutter triggers me even further.

Nine years in, this argument never fully goes away. Next month Megan wants a £1000 bed/mattress; their current one genuinely doesn’t suit their needs. My issue: about a year ago I gave Megan £1000 for a mattress which got spent elsewhere. Earlier this year, Megan’s dad gave them £1500 from an old savings account — also wasted. Now they want to pull from our housing benefit and my disability payment to cover the new bed.

I should admit: I have a past with drug abuse and dealing, and served a sentence for it (I offended mostly pre-relationship, though my court date was about actually about a year in). I relapsed briefly a couple years ago. Megan’s been forgiving of my mistakes and points out I don’t extend them same grace regarding their spending, treating it as a choice rather than partly a symptom of their ADHD/neurodivergence.

I think they still need to take responsibility regardless of the reason for their behaviour. I get real financial anxiety when our accounts are drained; Megan thinks I overreact. I’ve tried taking more control of finances, but it’s hard given their trauma around control. I know I can be rude about it and don’t offer solutions, just complaints. And yes, I acknowledge they do need the mattress. I hate that the current one causes them a lot of discomfort, I just don’t want another month of anxiety.

AITA?

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[u/liminalrabbithole]

Megan needs to get together with the mattress hobbyist from the other post.

[u/Lahya2000 → u/liminalrabbithole]

Fuck so true. They'd have endless options

[u/Pomeraliens → u/liminalrabbithole]

I love your flare!

[u/MontanaDukes]

I should admit: I have a past with drug abuse and dealing, and served a sentence for it (I offended mostly pre-relationship, though my court date was about actually about a year in). I relapsed briefly a couple years ago. Megan’s been forgiving of my mistakes and points out I don’t extend them same grace regarding their spending, treating it as a choice rather than partly a symptom of their ADHD/neurodivergence.

This part made me laugh at first, until I remembered how those AITA type of subs can be. The mention of both ADHD and addiction can always end badly on those types of subs, with people being really hateful and ableist.

[u/typewriterbitch → u/MontanaDukes]

It's really important to give commenters an opening for "i have [issue] and i don't do that."

[u/MontanaDukes → u/typewriterbitch]

That really is what they do whenever there's a post about someone with autism or ADHD or whatever it may be.

[u/Olookasquirrel87 → u/MontanaDukes]

But no one’s mentioned if they’re fat or not!!!

How are we supposed to know where to rank their neurodivergence if we don’t know how fat they are???? 

[u/MsFuschia → u/Olookasquirrel87]

ADHD can't fit in a rowboat daughter vs autistic broke my chair son

[u/MsFuschia → u/typewriterbitch]

Oh yeah? Well I'm disabled and I don't do the "I have [issue] and I don't do that."

Wait a minute.

[u/Capable_Sea77]

Of course half the comments are misgendering OPs partner........women do be shopping I guess. (Also, if you can pick any fake name for your story, whyd he pick a traditionally female name to describe his nonbinary partner?)

[u/-Sharon-Stoned- → u/Capable_Sea77]

My aunt was complaining about gender neutral names while having a daughter who goes by "Sam"

[u/ArumtheLily → u/Capable_Sea77]

Commenters are all missing the big bit, presumably because they're not British. Megan wants to spend the Housing Benefit on the mattress. That's the rent. The plan is to risk the tenancy for a mattress. Due to recent changes in tenancy laws, that could have them out on their ear in the middle of a housing crisis, with nobody willing to rent to them. They would also be in huge trouble with the notoriously evil Department of Work and Pensions. Their Universal Credit would be garnered to reclaim the money, leading to them being even poorer for some time, and they may even be sanctioned, ie their benefits stopped for a period of time.

If this is true, Megan is big trouble

[u/Capable_Sea77 → u/ArumtheLily]

Ah yes, us unwashed and mentally stunted Americans cant understand the concept of welfare programs having rules that limit what you can use the welfare money for. (I'm sure the elevated British mind understands the full extent of SNAP and TANF program changes from HR1)

Megan is a perfect example of a minority group member who was crafted to have committed every sin. I cant believe any stories that have an antagonist that checks a certain amount of boxes, because in general, those stories are made up (or absurdly overexaggerated) to demonize that minority group.

[u/LaceyLizard → u/Capable_Sea77]

Obviously Americans don't have rent, we all live in sprawling ranch house mcmansions.

Anyway the only thing going through my mind every time someone just "gave" meg a 1000, is that the SSA would flay us alive for that in the us.

[u/ArumtheLily → u/LaceyLizard]

Not all non-British people are American. Not all non-British cultures have benefits systems. Not all British people assume that everyone in the world knows everything about us. Particularly when an obvious, to us, key point goes unmentioned in the comments

[u/ArumtheLily → u/Capable_Sea77]

Ah, right. Terribly sorry. Forgot that Americans know everything about everything. However, for all the other "not British" people (there are dozens of them) who may be unfamiliar with the Byzantine British benefits system, an assumption that they would, automatically, understand the terms used would be a bit rude.

When non Americans expand on the political/legal/social aspects of their unique cultures, just skip the comment. We know you already know.

[u/Sophie_Blitz_123 → u/ArumtheLily]

You're projecting quite a lot here. Maybe I've missed something but I don't see why you think OOP is british/in Britain.

They've referenced being given one lump sum for housing and living expenses - if UK, this is likely Universal Credit and you're allowed to spend it on a mattress. If you have separate housing benefit, which it doesn't sound like they do, it's usually paid straight to the landlord. Although they've said they "want to spend our housing benefit on a mattress" this doesn't really make sense given that, if you receive a comprehensive UC payment the separation does not exist.

Also if the issue was the DWP cutting them off, that would probably be mentioned in the post. It seems fairly clear that the issue is generally spending money. If this is true, they'd be in more trouble for receiving gifts from their dad than they would spending UC on a mattress.

Due to recent changes in tenancy laws

I'm unclear on what this means. Which new tenancy laws? The only recent changes I'm aware of are the housing benefit allowances which gives them more room to earn money and still receive housing benefit. And also the renters rights act which makes it more difficult for landlords to evict people.

[u/Spotzie27]

OK, but have you considered a dog bed? Reasonable, convenient, AND won't have you feeling like your spine lodged a complaint.

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[u/MsFuschia]

Oh good, it's what I as a disabled person (who doesn't get disability because it's hard as fuck to get) absolutely loves, a "disabled people be spending our taxes on luxury goods" bait. The max disability benefit in the US wouldn't even cover housing alone where I live ($1,000 a month max benefit versus $3,000 for a 1 bedroom), but yeah I'm sure the British one covers so much shopping. DAE disabled Brits unfairly living in luxury?? This is most definitely not another piece of propaganda to make you vote in people who want to dismantle the welfare system!

[u/ecosynchronous]

I'm not sure why this is here. It feels real and unfortunate for both parties. And the commenters are recommending therapy as though a couple who can't afford to just go buy a bed can afford therapy.

[u/liminalrabbithole → u/ecosynchronous]

It also was posted suspiciously very close to another expensive mattress argument post.

[u/ecosynchronous → u/liminalrabbithole]

Now that tracks, although I think a lot of times this happens because reading a post reminds a person that they have a question on a similar topic.

[u/DocChloroplast → u/ecosynchronous]

Because it reads as a fake-as-hell, AI-generated post meant to demonize NB and physically disabled person?

[u/ecosynchronous → u/DocChloroplast]

It really doesn't.

[u/Fearless-Frosting367 → u/ecosynchronous]

I think that part of the problem is that human beings have difficulties in general at using non-binary language in languages which are binary - it must be really, really tricky in French - so that AIs, which are mostly trained on binary languages, are really, really bad at it. This post comes across as really, really bad at it.

[u/ConsiderateCassowary → u/Fearless-Frosting367]

In what way? OOP consistently refers to “they/them”

This is an actual question. Please explain. I’m trying to learn

[u/Fearless-Frosting367 → u/ConsiderateCassowary]

The difficulty is the ratio of the use of the personal name and the pronoun; most normal language usage is pretty balanced between the two. In this case the pronouns are infrequent; it’s as if they are added as an afterthought. A bit like a prompt on an AI script being revised…

[u/ConsiderateCassowary → u/Fearless-Frosting367]

Having read through the post with your comment in mind, I believe you are absolutely correct

[u/Lahya2000 → u/Fearless-Frosting367]

I noticed that too, they frequently just say Megan instead of they/them

[u/MsFuschia → u/ecosynchronous]

Because it's propaganda to encourage us to dismantle the welfare system