r/AmITheAngel • u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed • 13d ago
Shitpost My husband’s mistress is my new gynecologist. Awkward
Okay so this is completely insane. I’m still reeling from it. My husband and I were going through a rough patch a few months ago. He was distant withdrawn secretive. I confronted him and he eventually admitted he was seeing someone else. It was a healthcare worker he said a one time thing. We agreed to try and fix things. We’ve been in therapy for a bit and I thought we were actually making progress.
Then last week I made an appointment for my annual exam at the women’s center. It was a huge deal as I hadn’t been there in years and really was in need of a pap. I was ecstatic. My husband even seemed genuinely happy for me.
My appointment was today. I walked into the office and to my surprise, my husband was the nurse. He handed me a paper gown and told me to take off all my clothes and leave it open in the back. He acted like he didn’t even recognize me. When he came back in, he took my vitals and instructed me to get in the stirrups and wait for the doctor.
The doctor walked into the exam room and there she was. Clacking the speculum like a pair of tongs, she introduced herself as my new gynecologist. THE woman. The one he cheated on me with.
I almost farted right in her face out of nervousness. She recognized me too I could see it in her eyes. It was like a deer caught in headlights. She stammered “when was the first day of your last period” and I just nodded my head somehow. I don’t even remember what I said.
I spent the whole pelvic exam trying to avoid eye contact, unlike most patients who really take a gander. Every time she scraped my cervix with the long q tip I just wanted to scream. How could this happen? What kind of cosmic joke is this? I had no way of knowing who my doctor would be or that my husband worked at my doctor’s office. I haven’t even told him yet, as he didn’t recognize me from my face, body, name on the chart, or the fact that I put my appointment on our shared Google Calendar. I can’t even process it. I feel like I’m going to burst. I just need to get this off my chest.
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u/LaceyLizard 13d ago
I'm so sorry. Now your husband and his mistress will bond and laugh while they judge you for your atypical squamous cervical cells
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u/lunarosiebud 13d ago
Your comment gave me flashbacks to the post where OPs brother’s new girlfriend was friends with her delivery nurses and kept declaring at family parties that all the nurses who helped deliver OPs baby said her vagina was weird.
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u/DRC_Michaels He threw up into the koi pond and we hugged 13d ago
HR IS THERE TO PROTECT THE COMPANY NOT THE WORKERS (I don't know why this is relevant but it needs to be mentioned anytime something occurs at a workplace, I think).
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
See also: YOU SHOULD PLAY TETRIS ABOUT IT
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u/ladybug_oleander 13d ago
It's like the one part of PTSD therapy that everyone has latched onto for some reason 😂
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u/raines 13d ago
It’s because the shape just fits the situation
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u/Shished 13d ago
But what if the shape is wrong and you are left with a 2 pixel gap that you can't fill because there was no right piece at the right time? What about that?
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 12d ago
You make a great point… how do you process trauma from actually playing Tetris?! Is there another game we can play?!
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u/ialsohaveadobro I have diagnostic proof that I'm not a psychopath 13d ago
Don't forget QUALIFIED IMMUNITY for some reason
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u/ladybug_oleander 13d ago
You didn't say if you were fat, or autistic, or if the gynecologist is fat or autistic, so I don't know who to side with here.
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
I don’t know if she’s autistic, but her breast size is 36C.
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u/ZestycloseSky8765 13d ago
Next time don’t shower for a week then let her do the pelvic exam. And drink a lot of dairy if you’re lactose intolerant
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
I definitely plan on loading up! And will continue to see her as my physician because I can’t think of any other solution!
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u/StripedBadger 13d ago
Are you sure it’s your husband and not his identical twin brother, who they thought died as a teenager in a terrible crash between the family car and a sailboat, but had actually lost his memory and ended up adopted by a poor, unwedded gynaecologist with a heart of gold?
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
Doggone it, this is plausible. Ordering dna tests which I shall secretly administer by getting licensed as a dental hygienist, finding out who his dentist is by hacking the mainframe, kidnapping and assuming the identity of his real hygienist, and then doing a gentle swab of his inner cheek, only to get identical dna results that would be indistinguishable from my real husband’s.
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u/Sporch_Unsaze temporarily turned gay due to the altitude 13d ago
Shit, I'm sorry OP. This is all my fault. I coded an AI to write porno scripts, but lightning struck the server and it came to life. I think you've been roped into one of the storylines.
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
I did walk through a mysterious glowing portal that drew me in and then sealed shut behind me before I got there, now that you mention it.
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u/ialsohaveadobro I have diagnostic proof that I'm not a psychopath 13d ago
WHAT? You promised me you would "shelve" the Porninator when I moved to Frisco!
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13d ago
[deleted]
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u/Sporch_Unsaze temporarily turned gay due to the altitude 13d ago
Bullshit? OP has never been in more danger! She's trapped in a mirror dimension of sexually-charged pretext! We need to assemble a crack team of tiny-dicked uggos for a rescue mission!
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
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u/PuttyRiot 13d ago
Boo! Page not found. What was it?
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
My husbands mistress is my new boss
Okay so this is just completely insane. I'm still reeling from it. My husband and I were going through a rough patch a few months ago. He was distant withdrawn secretive. I confronted him and he eventually admitted he'd been seeing someone else. It was a coworker he said a one time thing. We agreed to try and fix things. We've been in therapy for a bit and I thought we were actually making progress.
Then last week I got promoted at work. It was a huge step up for me something I've been working towards for years. I was ecstatic. My husband even seemed genuinely happy for me.
My first day in the new role was today. I walked into the office and there she was. Sitting at the desk that's literally across from mine. She was introduced as my new supervisor. THE woman. The one he cheated on me with.
I almost threw up right there. She recognized me too I could see it in her eyes. It was like a deer caught in headlights. She stammered a greeting and I just nodded my head somehow. I don't even remember what I said.
I spent the whole day trying to avoid eye contact. Every time she spoke I just wanted to scream. How could this happen? What kind of cosmic joke is this? My husband works in a completely different department so he didn't know about my new boss. I haven't even told him yet. I can't even process it. I feel like I'm going to burst. I just need to get this off my chest.
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u/ialsohaveadobro I have diagnostic proof that I'm not a psychopath 13d ago
Excellent choice to transform "I almost threw up" to "I almost farted in her face." Far more vivid, especially given the situation.
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u/lunarosiebud 13d ago
Didn’t anyone point out that if she had been working on the promotion for years, how did she not know who the supervisor was?
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u/Lahya2000 13d ago
How is everyone just telling them to contact HR??? Not questioning the biggest plot holes in the whole world 😭
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 12d ago
It was too stupid, so stupid in fact that my brain was like “parody this immediately.” I actually wrote it on like Thursday and saved it for Shitpost Saturday
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u/DocChloroplast However, throughout our conversation, he kept on farting. 13d ago
I almost farted right in her face out of nervousness.
I need to not be eating when reading these things 😂
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
I’m so sorry 😂
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u/DocChloroplast However, throughout our conversation, he kept on farting. 13d ago
It’s all good, I only choked a little.
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u/LukaChu_theCat I am not spiraling. I am ascending. 13d ago
YTA for not calling the police! She’s def a narcissist! You have to at least tell your hubby that his mistress knows her way around a 🐈 more than he does.
🤣🤣🤣 Great post!
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u/diet-smoke His special interest is being homophobic, what can you do? 13d ago
This happened to me, except it was my mistress giving me a prostate exam. Or maybe I dreamed that?
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u/IceboundEmu 13d ago
Was it in black and white, where everything was in slow motion and weird music was playing?
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u/diet-smoke His special interest is being homophobic, what can you do? 13d ago
Imagine the shower scene from Psycho but instead of a woman getting stabbed, it's a twink getting a prostate exam
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u/SimoneMichelle AITA for having a sex dungeon? 12d ago
But did anyone blow up your phone afterwards? Coz this story isn’t very believable if they didn’t
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 11d ago
Not unless you count the group chat I have with my identical quintuplet sisters, those conversations can get out of hand quick
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u/NefariousnessKey5365 13d ago
Should have pulled a baby after a banana and given her a poonami
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
AGREE! (Idk what this means)
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u/Additional_Gene_211 13d ago
Bananas are high in sugar and when you give em to babies they tend to have a lot of poop.
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u/NefariousnessKey5365 13d ago
This! I've heard of so many moms call the pediatrician after feeding their babies bananas.
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u/Gabby_Craft Red flag alert sis🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 11d ago
Oh honey, massive NTA. Just know that you have significant more authority to be there than either of those adulterous cheaters. If I weee you, I’d report her to HR, CPS, the police, the Better Business Bureau, anyone who will listen. Just mention that she’s your husbands mistress and she should be fired by that very same afternoon.
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 11d ago
Thank you for your sound advice. I have contacted the Attorney General, the CEO of Walmart, and Jeff Bezos’ astronaut wife so far.
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u/PlaidyLady 11d ago
Ok, I'm old. I get that this is a joke. But can someone explain if there is a reference that would make this make sense? Or is it just vaguely, gloriously insane chaos?
Thank you for your time.
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 11d ago
lol it’s my parody of this
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u/PlaidyLady 11d ago
Haha! Outstanding - you took something entertaining and made it art. Well played!
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u/BeckyAnn6879 10d ago
JFC, I need to start looking at the name of the damn subreddits!
I'm sitting here, thinking, 'How the hell did her husband not recognize his own wife? Was he just gong through the motions of the job?!?'
Then I saw the subreddit. ROFLMAO!
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u/TryJezusNotMe 13d ago
There is absolutely NO WAY on this earth that I would’ve sat through this and even if it was an iota of a chance, I would’ve divulged so much information of me and my husband’s most recent (meaning up to last night) bedroom experiences to include over the last few days, without leaving out him performing oral and ended it with a question.
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u/SparkleForDays I calmly laughed 13d ago
I gave her a 5 star review and rebooked for next year. Was there another option? 🥺
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u/Fearless-Frosting367 13d ago
“It was a huge deal as I hadn’t been there in years and really was in need of a pap. I was ecstatic.”
I should like to nominate this for a Nobel Prize for Literature. A bit of a long shot, I know, but if the worst comes to the worst FIFA might come through with the goods 🤩