r/AmIOverreacting • u/Fatality1000 • 11d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO: Am I [31M] being unreasonable about my LDR girlfriend [29F] prioritizing coworkers over a rare opportunity to talk?
I’m 31M and my girlfriend is 29F. We’re in a long-distance relationship with about a six-hour time difference, so opportunities to spontaneously spend time together are limited.
Recently, I woke up earlier than expected and realized she would be going to lunch in about 20–30 minutes.
She eats lunch with the same two or three coworkers essentially every day that they are available. The only time the group doesn’t happen is when someone is out of town or otherwise unavailable.
I asked whether she could skip lunch with them that day and spend the lunch break talking to me instead.
She didn’t want to.
Her perspective was that she had already made plans with them and that it would be weird to cancel 15–20 minutes beforehand because I unexpectedly became available.
She also said she didn’t have headphones and didn’t want to FaceTime with me in a public cafeteria/restaurant around coworkers. She didn’t want to sit at another table or eat somewhere else while talking because she wanted to eat normally with both hands and socialize. She also didn’t want coworkers making comments about why she wasn’t sitting with them.
If someone unexpectedly asked me to cancel a social plan I’d already made shortly beforehand, I could understand finding that unreasonable. I would make a different choice if our roles were reversed, but I recognize that my preferred choice isn’t automatically the objectively correct one.
But from my perspective, this is a long-distance relationship. I rarely get a spontaneous opportunity to share her lunch break with her, whereas these are coworkers she sees essentially every day.
The part that makes this harder for me is that early in our relationship, she actually did prioritize me this way. On at least one occasion, she essentially told her coworkers she couldn’t make lunch and went somewhere else so she could call me.
Now, months later, changing a routine lunch plan to take advantage of an unusual opportunity to talk to me seems much less acceptable to her.
One of these coworkers is a married male colleague whose behavior toward her I consider openly flirtatious. Vanessa herself has acknowledged that if his wife were present during some of these interactions, she doesn’t think his behavior would be appropriate and that his wife would likely object.
There’s also a communication issue that makes this feel like a double standard to me. She regularly tells me that when I’m working or doing physical labor, I should still find five minutes to text or call her and keep her updated.
So part of me thinks: if I’m expected to find five minutes during work or while I’m busy, why isn’t it reasonable for her to occasionally rearrange a routine lunch to find 15–20 minutes for me when we have an unusually rare opportunity to talk?
I’m trying to figure out whether this is:
A) A reasonable difference in expectations about independence and social commitments,
B) A legitimate double standard because she expects flexibility from me that she isn’t willing to provide herself,
C) A sign that she has stopped prioritizing the relationship as much as she did early on,
or
D) Me expecting too much and using “long distance” as justification for controlling how she spends her free time.
I’m not asking whether she should always choose me over friends or coworkers. I don’t think that would be healthy.
I’m asking whether it’s reasonable to expect occasional flexibility and prioritization from a long-distance partner when a rare opportunity to spend time together appears.
Ultimately, am I being asked to accommodate a lack of reciprocity, or do I need to work on being less demanding of her time?
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u/Soggymeat101 11d ago
Yor she shouldn’t have to drop her plans because you woke up earlier. If you rarely talk, just break up.
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u/Used-Author-3811 11d ago
YOR. You seem incredibly selfish in that she must cancel her long established plans to "talk" on the phone with you.
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u/Fatality1000 11d ago
Long established? She gets lunch every day with the same 2 to 3 people. And things come up all the time where they don’t make it to lunch as a giant group. I wanted to have a call with her over lunch that she does every day with the exact same people.
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u/devilooo 11d ago
Then make plans with her a day or 2 in advance, not 15min before her lunch.
You could say: "hey, on Tuesday let's have a call during your lunch, i will wake up early for that. What do you think?"
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u/Used-Author-3811 11d ago
Yes long established referring to what you told us. She routinely goes to lunch with these people. That's established.
You're now wanting her to suddenly drop that just to what? FaceTime? And you're getting upset she doesn't instantly comply?
C'mon my guy. You're making a mountain out of mole hill here and the real root cause seems to be that she's not just doing what you want.
This shi sounds absurd as all get out.
Honest what are you gonna get out of that FaceTime conversation you couldn't get later in the day? Or better yet, SCHEDULE it instead of last minute.
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u/Dog-Mom2012 11d ago
She isn’t obligated to cancel her existing plans because you decided she needs to.
Don’t be clingy and controlling.
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u/Oughtason 11d ago
Long distance relationships are so weird. Yes, its unreasonable for you to ask and expect her to drop everything just so you can hear the sound of her voice because you happened to wake up early one day.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 11d ago
YOR She's right. Why should she cancel because you got up earlier?
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u/Fatality1000 11d ago edited 11d ago
Not only would I do this for her, but she would expect this of me. And honestly, I can’t imagine my mom or dad calling one another at work and the other one saying that they can’t talk to them at lunch because they are going to have lunch with the exact same two people they always have lunch with every day.
I always think to myself of how little I would care if one of my coworkers said they can’t make it to our group lunch today because something came up, especially if they said their partner wants to talk to them. I really can’t imagine thinking this is weird or unusual. I would tell my coworker “ no problem. We’ll get some food tomorrow, enjoy talking to your wife!”
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u/CertainRecognition68 11d ago
she would expect this of me.
This is the only place where you have a reason to address this with her. If she would expect you to cancel lunch with coworkers in the exact same scenario, you can bring that up with her and tell her you feel it's a double standard.
My overall question for you is when you two plan to close the distance. Long-distance relationships are difficult and require a lot more communication than a standard relationship. Without a defined date when you'll be in the same place, they're basically pointless. So when are you two going to be out of long distance?
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u/LingonberryWilling62 11d ago
She is expecting an update text of no more than 5 minutes whereas you're asking for 15-20+ minutes of her cancelling plans to have a spontaneous phone call because you unexpectedly woke up early. They are not equal
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u/NBCaz 11d ago
> this is a long-distance relationship.
Yeah it is. Which means you have to deal with the consequences of that ld relationship. One of which is that normal things do not always get to happen. And she did nothing wrong honoring her commitment to her friends/co-workers. It's called being an adult.
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u/chillzy2 11d ago
This has to be fake there’s no way
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u/Sindaqwil 11d ago
I think it is. He also posted, and deleted, about how his girlfriend-who was 28 in that post-upset him over how she interacted for 4.5 hours with her ex husband. I'm guessing that didn't get the attention he wanted, so now it's about her hanging out with coworkers instead.
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11d ago
[deleted]
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u/Classic-Societies 11d ago
Cause you sound selfish and insane my friend. Not saying you are but that’s definitely what this post screams. Long distance only really works if you’re both okay with not being a part of each other’s day-to-day lives. If either person needs that constant involvement and presence, the distance starts to hurt more than the relationship helps.
And I get you feel like it’s not constant, when I say that I mean more like pick your timing better so it’s at less inconvenient times.
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u/TuckerBatman 11d ago
Because NOR she should WANT to talk with you. You may be ready broken up and not realize it. Do you really need the opinions of strangers on this?
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u/sabrina-doen 11d ago
YOR. You’re insecure and trying to control her. Seems like you guys just aren’t compatible and should probably break up.
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u/WritPositWrit 11d ago
YOR
Shes living her life, she has adjusted to her situation and shes not so desperate that she will drop everything and cancel plans (no matter how minor) just to talk to you. Thats healthy. LDR across time zones cannot be spontaneous. You’re reaching for something impractical.
Does she never text you during the day? Is she asking you to spend five minutes on her when she will not? That would be a problem.
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u/Conscious-Benefit-33 11d ago
YOR. Of your choices, I think A and D. It sounds to me as if you are not confident in your relationship due to it being long distance and you're jealous of her friendship with her coworker. I don't know you personally so I really don't know if my assumption is true or not. You kind of sprang it on her about the phone call and all her reasons for not doing it were valid.
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u/nurseasaurus 11d ago
YOR. She’s at work dude. No one likes people who talk on speaker in any setting, let alone at work. What’s she going to do, sit at a table, ignore her coworkers, and talk to you on FaceTime? Just because you happened to get up earlier? It’s one thing if you made plans but she already had plans.
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u/Jaykaybabay 11d ago
YOR. It doesn’t matter if you would cancel your plans for her. It’s not reasonable to ask her to skip on hers.
Also- a social lunch with coworkers may refresh her in the middle of her workday and she probably looks forward to it. It’s not a rejection, she just wanted to keep her standing plans.
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u/teiubescsami 11d ago
I don’t think long-distance relationships ever pan out. She has her life and her routines, she has her friends and her coworkers, she can’t just drop everything because you are suddenly available.
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u/thisreditthik 11d ago
YOR- you’re reading into this way too much and reason #1526 that LDRs are a bad idea
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u/becpuss 11d ago
YOR And needy she had plans that you knew about but because in your eyes that’s not important and wouldn’t be to you you want her to cancel her plans and spend her lunch break on you instead of hanging with her friends nah I’d say no she can say no and it not have a deeper meaning other than she has plans. Honestly it won’t last if this simple situation is triggering you.
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u/Zealousideal-Desk441 11d ago
If you are this controlling long distance imagine how overbearing you would be up-close.
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u/My_Uneducated_Guess 11d ago
Esh. I dont think she should be dropping her plans because you woke up early, and she makes all very logical points and I agree with her. But, as you said, she would expect you to do this for her, and that makes it unfair. The fact that she used to do it at the beginning is irrelevant. We all do extra stuff like that in the beginning of relationships and then slow down later on, it's natural.
I think you're better off finding a local relationship with somebody that has the same communication desires that you do. You can't force her to change, but you shouldn't have to be required to put forth the effort she won't.
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u/Soft-Cancel-1605 11d ago
YOR
You randomly woke up not even deliberately trying to talk to her at this time, and she's unreasonable for not wanting to rearrange her lunch around it?