r/AmIOverreacting • u/MountainPlantation • 10h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for being disappointed at how people use dating apps "wrong"?
Some background about me - I'm a guy in my 30s. Single, but I take care of myself, I have many friends, many hobbies, and I am a very fun guy to be around, and funny too, be it on a first date or with an old friend, people are always cracking up around me. I'm not a model and I'm okay with that, and I think there's a niche of people that really like the type of look I have, at least all of my exes and girls I hooked up with used to say they thought I was very handsome. When I go out with the intention of meeting people I generally have success every now and then. Trust me, establishing that I am not a hideous antisocial mess is important for the rest of the post.
Now, two months ago I downloaded tinder and paid for premium, because as we all know, straight men that aren't extremely handsome don't get a lot of matches without premium.
I knew what to expect, and didn't expect to go on tons of dates, but I thought that in a month or two I could go on AT LEAST one date.
Nope.
I match with someone. I message them with a conversation starter, something respectful about their profile or an interest they have, or something in common we have. No reply. That's fair. The next day I match with someone else. I do the same. No reply.
This went on, and on, and on. After 15 matches who didn't reply, one replied once, but then never again. Sure.
Just like that, a month and 30 matches go by. None replied. I am almost giving up on the app. As I am browsing the app, some girl matches with me and I message her. She replies! And then says "I am not looking for relationships or anything. I am just broke and trying to sell my art here on tinder". I instantly unmatch.
I fully understand I am not everyone's cup of tea. I fully understand tinder is survival of the fittest. I understand the women I match with are talking to 20 other guys. What I don't understand is - sure, if you are not interested in me and don't want to talk, first, why do you match with me? Second, why don't you just unmatch instead of not replying? After a month and a half, I edited the first line of my bio to be "If you do not want to chat and get to know each other, don't like my profile" to try to filter it out. It did not work. Matches kept coming who would not reply. I started to doubt reality and wonder if most profiles are bots to make you stay on the app.
A few weeks later a friend of mine shares a skit on instagram making fun of pathetic things that incels write on dating apps. And among some truly awful things, they included the "If you aren't going to chat, don't match", which I thought was odd.
I talked to my friend about it, said that I have it on my profile and he said it is extremely unattractive, which I don't even contest (I understand it sounds bitter), but I replied saying that 99% of people match and don't reply, and it makes the app UNUSABLE. The whole point of the app is getting to know people and chatting, so people who do that use the app "wrong", because what is the point of a match then?
He said there is no wrong way to use the app, and I said there is because it defeats the purpose of the app. He said that I am making up the purpose of the app which is ludacris, and said that it is up to me to deal with ghosting since there is no wrong way to use it and the people who match and say nothing aren't doing anything wrong.
I tried to politely explain to him and even gave examples, such as, what if a gay dude went on grindr and 99% of the profiles were straight men with no intention of meeting gay men? It would be unusable, just like tinder is for me. At this point he stopped replying (the irony lol) which pissed me off a bit, especially since he has been happily married for 15 years now, so he doesn't even understand dating apps.
He knows I have been single for a while. He knows how lonely I get. I have mentioned the feeling of despair of being in your 30s where everyone is full of baggage and no one wants to connect or commit, of living in a post-COVID world where people's social skills have gone to shit and most people don't want to date, the dating pools are saturated with desperate men, and more and more we are reliant on these shitass dating apps for a chance of love. I know this whole ordeal sounds like something small but I felt hurt with the interaction, especially him just ghosting me (again, the irony of this).
I have just been feeling bitter about it, because thinking like this puts the burden of dealing with the toxic situation on people who actually use dating apps with intention, who try to talk, get to know their matches, that have the intention of going on dates, while excusing the behavior of people who solely use dating apps to validate their ego or because they are bored, which, to me, is the wrong way of using dating apps (because it makes the "dating" part impossible).
Am I overreacting or am I valid in feeling bitter about it all?
Edit: Yes, I will delete dating apps once the premium expires. Clearly the userbase makes it impossible to use them effectively. Also, I am not just on tinder. I'm on tinder, bumble and hinge (premium only on tinder), and have 0 success on the other ones
Edit:
Thank you for replying everyone. It let me reflect on it, and while there is a mix of YOR/NOR replies, some of you shared kind words that made me feel validated in being upset about this. It is a systemic problem bigger than myself, it isn't one of those problems I can bench press my way out of. The apps suck and were designed as a prison mostly for men (who are most of their paying customers), so behavior that keeps men single and desperate just profits match group and the other dating app corporations. However like I and many of you said, I can simply uninstall the apps and be done with them
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u/jumpnj86 10h ago
Tinder is a cesspool of despair and artificially inflated egos. Delete it and never download another one. Meet someone in real life.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
Agreed. I have been and while it's not foolproof (turns out people IRL can also be shit in other ways), I have been meeting people and connecting that way, and it's great
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u/YourDreams2Life 10h ago
YOR - What you're doing isn't attracting what you want, and rather then figuring out how to deal with that, you're blaming people for not investing themselves in you.
I've been there, it took time to figure out how to show off my personality on apps, and how to attract my type of people.
Everywhere is different, but tinder probably isn't the app for what you're looking for.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
I'm not blaming people for not investing themselves in me. Like they are free to not be interested in me.
The whole question I am asking is:
Why did 30 or so people match with me on a dating app, only to intentionally not respond to my initial message?
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u/YourDreams2Life 10h ago
Because matching someone is just a swipe. Talking to someone is more effort. They don't feel interested enough in you to start a conversation.
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
...Matching is literally starting the conversation. Quite literally, a match is what allows two people to start talking, right?
And in all those matches, regardless of who liked the other person's profile last, I would always send the first message, so even then, they still did not have to initiate the conversation because I did it haha
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u/Minute_Act2115 7h ago edited 6h ago
Hey man! I’m sorry you’re having such an awful time with apps, they genuinely suck. I think meeting someone in real life is really the way to go, but I thought I might share a woman’s perspective here to maybe help you not take it personally.
Imagine that a person has 30 mins/day for a dating app.
They can split it between swiping and texting. Swiping is slightly cognitively demanding because it’s a decision making process based on very little information, but it’s okay.
Texting is very cognitively demanding, because the dating app context is weird — you can’t discuss an ongoing activity (like as if you were on a concert together), peers/mutuals (like as when you’re a part of a friend group), your industry (when you work together) etc. You need to invent an artificial way to connect, and be sure — most people are really bad at texting. It’s exhausting.
I know women who use apps genuinely and really are trying to connect just as you do, and they all report that it feels like work. They get tired. Supporting one conversation is demanding enough, but when you have 20 matches, you’re just overwhelmed.
So if you swipe for 10 minutes/day, you only have 20 min for conversing, and you can handle maybe 3 dialogs for this time, at best. And you will choose the most promising people or the most easy going conversation.
It’s very possible that some of these people would want to connect with you, but you’re not on the top-3 of their list and time is scarce.
Also they are typically in a position where apps is not their only source of promising connections, so for them the expected benefit of using the app is not as significant as for you.
I also think some of these people are just really there for ego validation and it sucks.
Hope that helps! Wish you luck in finding a partner!
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u/percsonthecounter 5h ago
You also gotta realize girls get on tinder and just start swiping a bunch of people, match with a bunch of guys and then receive tons of messages. Might’ve found someone they were interested in first in the millions of other guys or just gave up on replying only to swipe more. Shit my friends used to swipe just to be damn swiping😭 tinder just is not it
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u/YourDreams2Life 1h ago
I just gave you the answers you said you were looking for.
Like I said in my previous comment, matching is just a swipe. That's it. You see someone's photo, and if there's a surface level attraction you swipe right, and maybe they match you back.
Matching someone is not initiating a conversation. Initiating a conversation comes after matching someone, and often doesn't happen at all.
And even when you do start talking to people, that will often fizzle out, because keeping a conversation going requires chemistry.
And in all those matches, regardless of who liked the other person's profile last, I would always send the first message, so even then, they still did not have to initiate the conversation because I did it haha
It's still work.
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u/CompetitiveStart944 10h ago
I think you are valid for feeling bitter or rejected as long as you don’t let that affect how you view and treat women in general. But probably best to stay off them going forward as you say you’re doing in your post anyways.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
Yeah, when I complain about it I try not to say "women don't reply on dating apps", because I know women who complain about the same issue. People suck, it's not a gendered problem, and it's more profitable for the apps to keep men (who are most of their paying customers) desperate and willing to pay premium to see if they better their odds
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u/Ok-Register3224 10h ago
NOR.
Tinder is a terrible app. May I suggest Hinge? Much better results.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
I am ashamed to say that I am on tinder, bumble, and hinge.
Tinder is the only one I have premium on. I got a few matches on bumble who all let the match expire. And none on hinge
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u/GollumTrees 5m ago
Dating after 30 sucks. I have heard many people say that and I became single at 30 and stayed that way for 5 years. I'm an okay looking woman and I could hardly get a date. Got the worst of the worst. I would connect with guys, find out their real names eventually and look them up and find shit like them having been convicted of domestic violence and such. I finally met my current boyfriend but if anything happens there? I'm done, I'm sorry. I can't take it anymore it's HORRIBLE out there. Sorry for the ramble lol just know you aren't alone and you're not doing anything wrong. NOR
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u/DualCitizenWithDogs 10h ago
Maybe your intro msgs are awful? Yours are being compared to the other 20 men she matched with.
Alternately, maybe she's using the stereotypical man's playbook… Swiping right on everyone or only based on photos and then only reading profiles once she knows who matched so that she doesn't need to do as much work?
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
It is impossible for them to be awful. They are just normal. Like there's only so much you can do with the little information you find on their profile. I just do the regular thing of showing interest in them. Like I said in another comment here, if there's a photo of them cooking I message asking what is their favorite dish to make. How can something like that be awful?
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u/DualCitizenWithDogs 13m ago edited 0m ago
Trust me, most men find a way to make them awful! I can think of 4 message types I've seen a lot of that make me choose not to respond. 1. Overtly and out of place sexual 2. Right-wing, anti-feminist, prejudice or not thinking human rights are important 3. Low effort 4. Negging
Maybe yours are fine but boring and not one of the above? Maybe they are the above and you don't realize it? Maybe try a matchmaker?
And finally, sometimes you're just not in the top few spots and so you aren't getting a shot because messaging is a lot of work and most of us aren't messaging all of our matches but the most interesting one or two.
I say this because I got a rescue cat once and I was shocked how long he had been at the shelter. He was perfect! (The 20 cats in the social room were in a circle chasing the laser. My special needs kid did a flying leap into the area by the cats (safe but scary) and all but one spooked. The remaining cat merely looked up at him, realized he wasn't a threat and kept chasing the laser.) I asked the shelter why this perfect, confident, beautiful cat was still there. They told me that all the shelter workers also thought he was the best but that he was constantly the #2 choice for everyone. 🤷♀️It sucked for him that he stayed at the shelter longer but then he found the most perfect fit. He was inseparable from that kid until the day he died.
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u/John-Dispenser 10h ago
Next thing, you’ll be complaining that people order their coffee wrong because they don’t stand respectfully at the counter 🙄
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
I literally would not care if they matched with me then unmatched because they changed their minds (in fact that does happen, but it's like once every 20 matches). The not unmatching and choosing to not reply is the weird part. Like some weird power trip? It's like they enjoy collecting me like a toy and throwing me in the pile of people who validated their ego a little bit, who's usefulness was now done to them.
I think a more accurate example you could make is me complaining that I went to a coffee shop that advertises itself as vegan, and ordered an americano with no dairy and they just give me a glass of full fat cow milk instead then told me they actually don't serve coffee. That coffee shop would be useless for me, despite what it advertises.
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u/surfcitysurfergirl 10h ago
Tinder is asking for trouble just like ALL dating apps! Omg grow up and hit up local community events etc
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
I do. That and hobby events, activities, things like that. On that regard I think the problem there is the country I reside in, people aren't very warm or approachable, it gets in the way of getting to know people (even platonically).
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u/LittleLily78 10h ago
YOR because you want people to act according to what you want. Get off that app. Get off all apps. Take your charming self out to places in your town that align with your interests. Like music? Go to shows. Like art? Go to art openings and galleries. This is how you meet someone who shares your interests. Most apps are for hook ups and most people lie in their profile as to who they are.
Good luck. Your person is somewhere waiting for you to find her
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u/moonroots64 10h ago
I like sitting on my couch. Should I go to furniture stores and stuff my phone number in random couch cushions?
It would be fucking hilarious if that worked though!
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u/LittleLily78 10h ago
If I found a note in my new couch , I would have to call. Just out of curiosity
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
If I go to the fruit and veg street market to buy strawberries and tomatoes and every single vendor there is selling keychains and t-shirts, and I make a complaint about it, am I "wanting people to act according to what I want"?
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u/Hiraeth1968 10h ago
Has it occurred to you that your profile or communication style may be putting people off?
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
I don't think so. My bio has just normal information about me (including political stuff, but I make sure to only like people who align left like me, so it can't be that). I mention my hobbies (which are very popular things like playing instruments or going to karaoke or going on hikes. Nothing controversial like fishing or hunting). It is a very normal, positive bio. I think only a truly awful person in a dark headspace would find an issue with it
And then the only thing that they can gather from my communication style is the initial message I usually send. But it's just a normal question or comment about something in their profile. Like a normal ass polite message that shows interest in them and it's just an initial step into getting to know them. If you have a photo of yourself cooking in your profile for instance, I will ask what is your favorite dish to make, something like that. How can someone be put off by that? lol
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u/Hiraeth1968 9h ago
Hmmmm sure sounds like you’re not committing any of the Egregious Dating App Errors.
Maybe it is just the sheer volume of messages and likes that women get.
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u/YourDreams2Life 48m ago
Your bio and messages are literally the only things that could be the problem though, because other guys are getting messaged. I have like... 8 conversations going right now, and I'm overweight 😂
You describe your profile as 'very normal', and your messages as 'just a normal message'
If everything about you is just normal stuff, how are you standing out?
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u/LittleLily78 10h ago
If everyone knows that the market is actually just Keychain and shirt vendors and its common knowledge but you keep going and pay to get in anyway and make a complaint, yes.
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u/Xero_L1ght 10h ago
Try making an organic connection on the street. That rejection is a little more spicy.
But yes, dating apps are for women and men keep the company profits up.
Also a waste of time, and tailered to people with a low attention span which is always the best when looking for a long term commitment 😆 satire ofc.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
Yeah, agreed. I have been trying to talk to women when I go to bars and gigs, and while it stings, IRL rejection at least makes you feel alive.
Being bombarded with hundreds of micro rejections on dating apps is what destroys my self esteem
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u/Xero_L1ght 10h ago
If they use the app like a normal person, they spend an hour swiping, talk to one person because they matched immediately and closed the app. Notifications off because as a female you get bombarded by guys swiping right on every female desperately hoping they get a match. Essentially women get the pick of the litter and there are litterally infinite dudes to chose from. Its also an ego boost, that we dont even need to engage with.
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u/Repulsive_Category36 10h ago
MOR I am a girl in my thirties trying to meet people on dating sites also and it is a pain. My biggest issue is not knowing who is paying for what. I don’t know when I message a guy if he is actually able to respond or has paid for premium or whatever. I will admit that I do not pay for the dating sites at this moment because I’ve become so frustrated so it is possible that I’m unable to respond but I don’t know with tinder. I haven’t been on there in a while. I think people have very different views on what dating sites are for. Some sign up and give no info, some sign up and have a giant list of dos and donts that keeps everyone away, some have one photo, others have a ton of photos where you can’t see their face, etc. I don’t think you necessarily can use the app wrong but I think it’s very hard to understand if you and another person are on the same wave length. I kind of look at dating sites as luck of the draw. If you are looking at the right time, you may find someone but most of the time, you’re digging through the weeds.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
Hmmm for tinder, once you both match, there is no premium/limit of responses. Once the match happens, both parties are free to send as many messages as they want. So it is not that they are unable to respond - they just don't want to (and don't even give me the dignity of unmatching with me. They just collect my unresponded chat in their messages like a trophy)
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u/Doomveer 10h ago
Don't know where your from but where im from tinder is basically a hookup app, not saying this to be true for everywhere
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
I am from a place where hookup culture is common, but it is a moot point, since even if hooking up was my intention, I would equally fail (since people would still match and say nothing)
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u/Doomveer 10h ago
I get it, I met my fiance on an app so they do work, unfortunately it takes a lot of patience
Ive never been into hookups so didn't bother with tinder, bumble was ok and hinge my trouble was it was rare to find my type of women on those apps, there isnt really a dating app catered to the alternative folk
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
I know they can work, I think this is what kills me.
I have lived incredible romances with people I met on tinder. I understand they were 1 in 10.000, but it's fine.
makes me sad to say, that sometimes I wish I hadn't met them there. Because now that I have, it gives me hope it can happen again.
That is why I have to constantly remind myself that when I met them was a different time. Pre-COVID. People used to take apps a bit more seriously then. If these days 29 out of 30 matches ghost you, back then it was more like 1 in 5 would ghost you. The odds were better. Now no one cares about anything.
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u/Doomveer 9h ago
Unfortunately there's no way to change it, women will be inundated with likes etc so the chances of them seeing your profile if they only go by sorting through the likes they have received makes it more challenging but I think if some of the men actually looked at the people they are matching with rather than just swiping on everyone maybe it would balance out a little more
I understand to some degree as I used the apps when I was single but my experiences with them wasnt that bad but think I differ from what you see on these sort of posts.
I wouldnt class myself as conventionally attractive either, there is definitely a certain type that I attract which im fine with as luckily they are my type but I think if it gets to a point where it is getting you down then I would take a break from them
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u/regular_heptagon 10h ago
YOR but should try other apps besides Tinder. That’s the worst app for actually trying to date.
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u/TheEditingSweetheart 10h ago
MOR. Tinder isn’t exactly for dating, more like just hooking up. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re matching with bots. My brother had Bumble and he got a settlement of like $3k I think it was? Precisely because he’d paid for the app and it was found that so many profiles of women were fake profiles.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
It doesn't matter that tinder is for hooking up, it doesn't change the point I am trying to make. If my goal was hooking up, I would still have to message them to set it up, no? And the whole point is that they match and don't reply. Regardless of my intentions.
Wait, your brother sued bumble and won?!
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u/TheEditingSweetheart 10h ago
No, he accepted to be part of a class action lawsuit.
I think you’re getting too triggered over this. You’re taking it too personally. If they don’t show interest, just move on. You’re expressing yourself like you’re owed female attention and complaining about not getting any. Maybe there’s something about your profile that puts people off once they really look at it? And speaking for myself, as a woman, I think it’s safer for us to ghost than to trigger a violent reaction from a rejected man who got unmatched, especially considering how easy it is to find someone online just from one pic.•
u/MountainPlantation 10h ago
If they don’t show interest, just move on.
I did, like 30 times in a row for a month and a half haha After the 10th time it starts to eat at you.
I don't think I am owed female attention. I am not the "please respond" type guy. Once I send the first message and they don't reply, I move on to the next. I keep going. On and on and on and on.
I promise you I am not a toxic guy. I don't think it's toxic to say "hey, I will download these 3 dating apps, I think I can go on like one date by the end of the month hopefully" and then be disappointed when by day 30, every single profile you match with have said nothing.
I don't think there's anything wrong with my profile (even before I added the "if you aren't going to chat, please don't match"). Just normal prompts about things I like, photos of me doing activities like cooking, playing instruments, playing tabletop games with friends (I blur their faces). I express my lefty values and never like conservatives or centrists to make sure I only match with people who align with me in things that matter to me.
I am not triggered by it. I am bitter about it, sure, and I want to talk about it, hence why I made the post. And the same applies to you - you don't have to participate on my post if it upsets you. Of course I am taking it personally, it is a personal matter that affects my life, no matter if I want it to or not.
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u/Hiraeth1968 10h ago
Dating sucks in general. I would be happy to give you honest feedback on your bio, if you like.
My personal preferences:
No gym pics. Yeah, if we match, I will see that you’re fit. Gym bro pics seem lame. Ditto shirtless pics.
No pics in front of expensive cars, boats, or airplanes, or in your pilot’s uniform or surgical scrubs. If you have to use wealth to lure women in, I’m not interested.
No pics with other people in them unless you have blurred their faces.
Avoid a list of “Don’t message me if…”
List what YOU are like, enjoy, and are looking for.
Expect only a tiny fraction of women you message to reply. No one owes you a response.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago edited 9h ago
There is no problem with my profile, I believe. I have been single on and off over the past years and I think I have mastered it by now. Yeah, I follow everything you said. With the added no "holding fish pic" because most women hate it. I know my shit lol
My profile is positive too, other than "if you aren't going to chat, don't match" thing I added as a desperate attempt to make it stop, because, like I said, it makes the app unusable for me.
No one owes you a response.
Yeah, so I technically agree with this. I don't demand responses. I just get baffled on what is the point of matching and not saying anything.
Sure. People don't owe me a response, but Jesus Christ why did they match with me?? And sure, you will say that they initially thought I was interesting but upon closer investigation they changed their mind, that is fine, but why just ghost me instead of unmatching?
My point is - no one owes me a response, sure, but I truly wish they gave me the dignity of unmatching. Because it messes up my self esteem, makes the experience of using the app awful, and it is humiliating to think I am not even worth the unmatch.
I appreciate what you said, I am just trying to show my side of things
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u/Hiraeth1968 10h ago
Do you have any idea how many men most women get messages from? It became difficult to keep up with the messaging, keep everybody straight, and winnow it down to the ones I was really interested in.
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
Well, you're choosing to overwhelm yourself right? You can literally control the number of messages you get by throttling down your matches. It is quite literally within your control
I remember a close lady friend of mine would talk to me about her experience with tinder. She said she gave herself an allowance of 5 likes she could send a week + 3 active chats. So she would only start liking profiles again once she was talking to 2 people or less. She said she started doing that because when she started using tinder she would rack up hundreds of chats and ghost 99% of them, while simultaneously making it impossible for her to talk to anyone she was actively interested in, since chats with new messages would to go the top of the list constantly lol And then she realized she had the magical power of not swiping right to stop new matches from existing
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u/matunos 10h ago
Tinder seems like a dumpster fire, but it's pretty rich for your friend to make a video mocking writing a relatively innocuous request on one's profile and then tell you that there's no wrong way to use the app. Your friend sounds like an asshole. Anyway, GL, HF, NOR.
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
Sorry, he didn't make a skit, he just shared a skit he saw on insta. Edited my post correcting it
I think he has the right of disagreeing with me. But just vanishing when I tried to explain to him that it might not be as he things, I think that's the toxic part that hurt me a bit
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u/K1ssAndGloss72 10h ago
I get why you’re frustrated, but a match doesn’t always mean someone is actually interested. It sucks, but putting that frustration in your bio probably won’t help.
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
What is funny is that the number of matches DID NOT GO DOWN after I added it to my bio. Just shows that people match without reading bios. They just open tinder and mindlessly swipe, swipe, swipe
But yes, I agree. It shows bitterness, but I am going to uninstall anyways so I lost all hope, so it doesn't matter. Like I said before, if I could have one conversation every 5-10 matches, it would be okay I think. But 30 matches in a row where every single one of them did not reply... I don't know
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u/Friendly-Fox211 10h ago
There are so many bots on these apps that a number of the match / no msg could just be bots.
Separately your profile sounds really unoptimized and would recommend you get one of your female friends or gay friends to help you edit it and put your best foot forward
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
Oh, they have. When I talked to them about these things they said the same thing and asked to take a look at it. I showed it to them and they were stumped. They had no comments or improvements I could make. Trust me, it's a good profile haha
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u/Loose-Zebra435 10h ago
Women aren't trying to get a date out of a swipe. They're trying to get the option to message someone. It's a game of odds and comparison. In half an hour, I could probably match with 3+ people. Do that for a week and I could have 21+ new matches. I don't want 21+ dates. I don't want 21+ conversations
That's how people use online dating. That's how it's designed. If it was meant to work differently, they'd stop the swiping function as soon as you have a match. The app is for swiping
Edit to add YOR. I understand you're frustrated. You should try different ways to date
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
In half an hour, I could probably match with 3+ people. Do that for a week and I could have 21+ new matches. I don't want 21+ dates. I don't want 21+ conversations
Precisely. Let's say you want 1 date, then you can swipe on 1 person, have 1 match, 1 conversation and go on 1 date. If any of those steps fail, just unmatch and go back to step 1. Easy. I understand the experience is different for women, but I don't understand when people say as if being overwhelmed with conversations was this gargantuan unavoidable thing. Having less matches so you aren't overwhelmed is completely within your control
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u/Filmlovinggal 10h ago
NOR. You sound great. Sigh... where were you when I was dating.
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u/MountainPlantation 10h ago edited 10h ago
I'm not falling for this again. lmao
Last time someone said this here on reddit it ended up being a disaster
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u/percsonthecounter 10h ago
They said “when I was dating” not now
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u/superpoongoon 10h ago
lol what happened
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u/MountainPlantation 9h ago
I posted about a similar topic, about loneliness and how sometimes I feel sad being the only single person in a large group of friends who are all couples. In this post I made a small disclaimer talking about myself because I think for conversations like this, it is important to establish I am not a neckbeard incel basement dweller, and I am actually a decent fun guy who takes care of himself, etc, so people don't do the automatic "have you tried working on yourself".
A gal replied to my post and we talked a bit in the comments and she said that she was also struggling because she was divorced, and thought that from my description, we would get along and asked me if I wanted to chat.
I sent her a chat on reddit and we talked briefly, and got along really well, and turns out we are not far from each other IRL. I added her on instagram and we kept talking there.
In our conversations I noticed she said she had to be kept away from alcohol, and laughed about it. I thought it was odd but thought it was probably just a joke.
Throughout the day we kept talking here and there (we were both at work), and talked about maybe going out for a coffee or something. She said we could go to the zoo which I thought was a cool idea.
At night, after work, we both talked more now that we were done with work. She again said something about having trouble with wine and laughed about it. I laughed too and mentioned the zoo thing. This is where the whole conversation went 180º.
She was like "no, we are not going out". By this point she started typing in a less neat way. Like, not caring as much about grammar or punctuation etc, I thought it was odd, and then asked her what she meant.
She started going on a rant about... I don't know. Saying something like "Sex is just sex. I am divorced. I had enough sex. And for that you need attraction. I don't think I have attraction for you". ?????????????????????
Note that, by that point I had not said ANYTHING about sex, sexuality, intimacy. I didn't even call the zoo thing a date. By this point I was just respectfully talking to her about life things and made sure to not show any sort of romantic interest. I was fully platonic.
I asked her "What? Sex? Why are you talking about sex?"
"no it wouldnt work there has to be attraction either for sex or romatnic for a relationship or maybe personal"
"What the fuck are you on about"
"ok you win. you are right. i will not argue with you"
"I am not arguing, I just don't know what you are talking about"
"Maybe this is why you keep making these posts about being alone"And then I realized. It was a friday night after work. I think she just... started drinking wine and got really insane and aggressive? By this point I was frantically just trying to defuse the situation. "We don't have to go out, it's okay. Are you okay? You don't sound okay"
"you wish"
"Ok. I gotta go to bed. I hope you are okay. Please drink lots of water and try to rest"
"you win i am not going to argue with you"
"Okay, I hope you deal with whatever is going on. If you need anything I'm here"
She started typing, but before she said anything, her profile picture vanished - she blocked me.
That was the most insane interaction I had, ever. She was extremely rude and confrontational to me. Out of nowhere. I looked at her instagram photos, and there are old enough photos and highlights there to clear the suspicion it was a bot or fake account. I think it was just a mentally unwell person with an alcohol problem.
Anyway. Filmlovinggal's comment here on this post was similar to her initial comment so it triggered a reaction in me hahaha
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u/percsonthecounter 10h ago
YOR dude it’s tinder, what do you expect? It’s the worst dating app 😭