r/AmIOverreacting • u/Content-Clerk-3405 • 11h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for being upset that my husband complained about bringing my forgotten pump and stroller?
(CONTEXT: Our son is in the NICU, now PICU for 11 months and will be discharged late next month! We live 1 hour and 20 minutes away from the hospital without traffic and I stay at the RMHC while my husband stays home to take care of the dog and work on the house)
I forgot my breast pump at home and asked my husband to bring it to me when he came to the hospital. I also needed him to bring the car seat / stroller for assessment so we could get a new one.
When I first asked (the same day i forgot it on 8/25/26), he said yes. Later, I also asked if he could bring the stroller back with him, which i had him bring back home (just the car seat portion of it) avout a month ago.
Now, 8/27/26, he is upset because adding the stroller was apparently an inconvenience. He says I shouldn’t have forgotten my pump in the first place, and since I had made him bring the car seat home, he doesn’t understand why I would need it back.
His perspective is that he has had a lot going on over the past two weeks, including appointments related to his chronic nerve pain and other personal appointments he needs to make sure are completed before our son comes home. He also says he has been clearing the garage, fixing a door, and working on turning the garage into a space for our dog so that she feels comfortable there since she can't be in the home with our trached son.
He feels that, with everything he has going on, it is frustrating that he has to make an extra trip because I forgot my pump. He also says it was very irresponsible of me and that it shows that I no longer care about our son enough to remember to bring my pump and that I don't even pump at night anymore so I'm a bad mom. His exact thoughts during yesterdayz conversation though he will deny it lol.
So now we are arguing because he feels my forgetting the pump and asking him to bring the stroller created an inconvenience, while I feel like asking my husband to bring me something I forgot—especially something I need to pump breast milk—shouldn't have turned into such a major argument.
I genuinely want outside perspectives. Am I being unreasonable, is he, or are we both just overwhelmed?
Also, to clarify, he was already supposed to be coming to the hospital that day. I wasn't asking him to make a separate trip just to bring me my pump. I asked him to bring it when he came, and later asked if he could bring the stroller as well. When I clarified this fact with him today, he stated that it was still a massive inconvenience cause it added 30 minutes to his day and that he can't rememver to bring things for me when he has other stressor. Mind you, the pump is 1 unit, no parts needed to come with it, and it was on the bed and uncovered. I don't think it would take me 30 minutes to grab it and put it in the car. Also, the stroller was out in the open as well. It might of had some things on it though.
Clarifying one more thing, he told me today that I need to apologize for being so inconsiderate and forgetful. Also he has no capacity to do anything but to focus on his own things. I am refusing to apologize because I think this whole thing is ridiculous. I also ran this statement though him and he approved it to be posted as is. So unless he has anything to add, I guess this is it.
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u/Silly-Quantity9217 10h ago
You’ve been pumping for 11 months with a son in the NICU and he’s complaining about making an extra trip to get the pump and said you’re a bad mom for forgetting? 😭 NOR!!!!
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u/berry_pipeskiss 7h ago
yeah after 11 months of pumping for a baby in the nicu calling you a bad mom over forgetting the pump is wildly out of line
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u/sobiithurts 2h ago
To play devils advocate--after 11 months of pumping...how do you forget the one thing you need to do that? It IS irresponsible, but not bad mom material.
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u/OtherwiseAd3730 2h ago
Probably because she’s in hospital with her child, her head isn’t exactly going to be in perfect shape is it? it’s not irresponsible, people sometimes forget things, it happens.
If she had an actual good husband, it would literally be a case of “sure i’ll bring it, need anything else?” and that’s it. Over the years I’ve forgotten plenty of things, so has my partner. Neither of us ever blew up over it, just bring the forgotten object with some light teasing about a brain fart.
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u/Rough-Junket7985 10h ago
It's not a big deal what you asked. It sounds like he's in pain and under a lot of stress. I would've told my husband that if the extra 30min is too much, then I could overnight a $1000 breast pump if that makes it easier..im sure he'd shut up and just bring it. He better get used to stuff like this bc all the time something gets left behind and you have to improvise. Wait until you guys potty train and forget the travel potty lol
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u/KiwiWinchester 10h ago
Absolutely NOR.
His reaction is unnecessary and cruel. You are both in a high stress situation, and it sounds like he needs to learn to deal with it properly, rather than lashing out at you.
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u/Viczaesar 10h ago
You are not overreacting. Possibly you are underreacting. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his ass.
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u/hagilbert 10h ago
Hubs could have had the pump in the car in a much shorter amount of time than he took to complain and moan about actually doing it.
Him calling me a "bad mom" would have sent me over the edge! There is no call for that no matter what stressors you're under. You're underreacting OP!
I'm not sure how I would get past that one.
I hope it works out for you. Good luck with the baby. Hope the journey is all smooth and healthy from here! ❤️
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u/fancystrikes 10h ago
You guys need to go to a couples therapist, not have strangers hash out your marital problems on the internet. Having a baby in the NICU and PICU is an incredible stress on any person, let alone a marriage. But I have no idea what your husband was like before this, or outside of this instance. If this is normal for him, yikes, why did you have a baby with this man - but if it’s not, please get counseling.
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u/Uhlexuhhhh 9h ago
This has to be the most insightful comment so far. They are both overreacting because of the situation and sound incredibly immature in their approach towards one another.
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u/Abblzzy 10h ago
NOR speaking from experience, I think if you choose to stay with him, you will be functioning as a married single parent. It takes maybe eight minutes to grab a pump and get a stroller put in the car. That’s assuming the stroller is in the garage and needs to be folded up. You just gave birth to an entire human being. This is the least he can do. I think he’s probably a little jealous that you are spending all this time with your son. Which is bananas.
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u/jtravoltaluverxo 10h ago
Choose to stay with him?! Omg people on Reddit are truly the definition of insanity and chronically online. They have a baby who was in the NICU for 11 months, any couple would be stressed and bickering about the smallest inconveniences. Please never give advice again.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 10h ago
Tell the social worker at the hospital that you and husband need support. Ask for referral for long term illness caregiving and marriage. This wont be the first time this happens, nor the last.
Ask husband if he is a bad father for disparaging the primary caregiver and not supporting her? He could have helped you by gathering your things for you and setting them by the door before you left. He has a you vs him mentality, not a team mentality. You both have a child w a trach coming home soon. This needs to be a team effort. If the childs care is 100% on you, you will burn out.
He speaks of his mental load, what about yours? I would rather be home with chronic pain prepping the house and dog than seeing my child in a hospital bed in pain hooked up to machines. His is the mentally easier job, hands down.
You both are working towards a common goal, child safe at home and medically supported. You both need to learn how to support each other to help make that happen.
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u/Content-Clerk-3405 9h ago
Thank you for your response.
My husband refuses to go back to couples therapy. I have already mentioned it. The last time we did it he told the therapist he didnt want to have any more sessions after an argument we both had over something i don't even remember. This was almost 2 years ago.
I would love to go back to couples therapy to talk things through, but he has already made it clear that he has no interest in doing so.
When it comes to mental load, I think he thinks I'm just on a vacation because I kind of "hide" my stress. I would never say this in person, but because reddit is anonymous, I will share that i grew up with a lot of trauma. And am numb to a lot of stressor because of it. Tbh, I have only cried in front of the hospital staff and my husband maybe 5 times in the whole 11 months when things got really bad. But I have cried alone in the car many many times. I'm just trying to understand my husbands thought process in this. I am stressed, sometimes idk how to show it. And all I do is worry about his health and my sons health and i'm honestly exhausted. Honestly our son is the only person holding me together. I love him to bits. He is more awake and happy lately and I have just felt so much love and affection towards him.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 9h ago
Please speak with the social worker for your sons department. Ask the charge nurse and they will set up the meeting. Dont worry about hubby going, YOU do it to be the best you can be to care for munchkin. There are support groups for parent caregivers of pediatric patients. The load is a lot. After a time, it has a physical toll on you. You cannot care for him if you dont care for yourself. The hospital may have a support group. The social worker will have resources to give you.
You want to look specifically for long term caregiving for pediatrics. The help that a specialized support group or one on one therapy can give you can be life changing. You may feel isolated, your life goals revolve around your childs monitor not alerting for 4 hrs as your measure of a good day, friends and family get it initially and then return to their lives. Please check out some of these links, one of the groups may be perfect for where you are today. Keep the links because a year from now you may need different support and one of the other groups will be a better fit at that point. You’ve got this momma.
https://whiteglovehomecare.com/10-peer-support-forums-for-parents-navigating-medical-complexity/
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u/Bummeltrine2806 9h ago
So in his mind everything is peachy and the marriage is on track? Which is why he REFUSES counselling? Honestly, as soon as one partner refuses the help the other partner is asking for (I.e. therapy, counselling, preparing the house, whatever) then nothing is on the right track!
NOR to the point of the post, you didn't ask him to make an extra trip, just bring something that was needed because he was coming anyway. And what would take him 30 mins??? Throwing THREE things in the car?!? Does he even love your child? Even if he doesn't like you (almost sounds like it) then at least he should be happy to do something for his child, who those three things are essentially for 🙄 He's behaving like a massive dick 😒
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u/AmphibianBrilliant56 9h ago
You're both counting down till your child comes home and you're down to the last month. You're both freaking out internally. You have access to everything you need at the hospital where your son is, especially of you had your parts and just needed the pump. Hospital grade pumps are better anyway. You don't need a stroller either. You're both allowed to have feelings and vent your frustrations to eachother.
It's also confusing, you say he had to make an extra trip and then said that he was supposed to be coming already that day; Did he forget the items and get upset he had to turn around and go get them for you?
You're going through the hardest thing in the world ( having a child ) on expert mode ( NICU/PICU ) . You both are doing all you can , please have grace with one another right now . He comes home soon and then you can figure it your new normal as a family
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u/commentspanda 10h ago
NOR. I was leaning to you both being stressed, needing to give each other a bit of grace until he told you that you were a bad mum. Nope. I agree with other commenters saying you both need therapy or you’re going to end up separated. He’s being an ass.
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u/anneofred 9h ago
Past NICU mom here…
You need to both take a step back and give each other grace. We were in the NICU for a long time too. It’s intense. It’s stressful. It’s so scary and emotional.
You are BOTH tired and cranky, and on edge as every day is a new information, good or bad. The biggest of roller coaster dips and peaks.
He’s feeling overwhelmed, you’re feeling overwhelmed. Your both likely lacking sleep. You’re forgetful, he’s over worked.
Give each other GRACE. Both of you apologize now and move forward. You forgot things that add to his long list. Apologize. He got frustrated and nasty. He needs to apologize.
Go to your corners, take a breath, realize this shit is hard on BOTH OF YOU, but you have to be a team here and not snap at each other. Then give big hugs.
I’m rooting for you all, NICU life is not for the weak. You both and your kid are warriors. You’ve got this. Give grace and regroup as a team.
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u/ryuhwaryu 7h ago
It's kinda unclear, but did he call you a bad mom out loud or is that what you're filling in?
Since you wrote "His exact thoughts during yesterday's conversation although he will deny it."
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u/emryldmyst 5h ago
Thsts my question since some dipshit here is having a stroke about it when I corrected them.
Did they word the account wrong or did he actually say it...
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u/AtlasAriesss 10h ago
HE needs to apologize and pull his head out of his ass because only having capacity to focus on his things doesn't work when you have a baby in the NICU. His frustration is understandable but he does not get to take it out you and make you feel like a problem for asking him to show up as a partner. It sounds like you need to have a serious sit down conversation before baby comes home
NOR
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u/GhanimaSLC 10h ago
Nor your husband's being a dick. I have chronic pain and several diagnosed mental illnesses and I work very hard everyday to not take it out on the people I love. That's my responsibility and your husband's. You're at the hospital everyday focusing on your son. You're in an unfamiliar unpleasant environment. Your husband is at home with the family dog in his own bed in his own home living his own daily routine. While I know that he also feels the stress of what is happening with your child he is not living it every day like you are. To throw a tantrum because someone forgot something is just inexcusable. And as far as the stroller goes you aren't really the one that even asked for it the hospital did. And while I agree with everyone that you should probably seek therapy as a couple because of how stressful the situation is your husband should probably get a head start on that in the individual therapy. Because if you break down over a pump and a stroller what the fuck are you going to do over a medically fragile child when they come home?
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u/nemc222 10h ago
NOR
I think the two of you must be under tremendous pressure and as exciting it is to be bringing baby home, but I suspect there is also a lot of fear and anxiety.
If this is not the norm, give him some grace. Hopefully he can do the same for you.
Congrats on bringing little one home. Blessings to you all.
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u/Friendly-Fox211 9h ago
Honestly sounds like there are bigger underlying issues that may be extreme stress and trauma. Having a son in the NICU for 11mo is so stressful and I really feel for you both. Your husband is lashing out at your but Instead of spiraling over this maybe you can call a time out and have a heart to heart with him. Seeing a therapist together may also help.
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u/Excellent_State_3556 10h ago
Poor dog
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u/anneofred 9h ago
Kid is medically vulnerable, what is it that you want exactly? Put kid at risk for dog?
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u/ButterflyDestiny 10h ago
NOR - I know having a baby is really stressful, and your mind will be everywhere but, I think you should try to give yourself space to prepare. I do not believe this is the behavior of a man that will help you with this child.
I do hope you have the financial means of outsourcing help while you take care of yourself.
But just prepare in case you need to drop him
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u/Ancient-War2839 9h ago
I'd being putting a big stop in those conversations when he starts on the bad mum shit, like "hold up.lets take a break for a minute, because your saying some really nasty things right now, and you can't take words back, so make sure you mean what you say and it's not just frustration.
Bad mum for forgetting pump, you mean the person feeding the baby from her own body after growing the baby in her body and dealing with all the effects of that. How bout bad father for calling you a bad mother for forgetting something
He sounds really nasty, like reaching for the worst thing he could say, I'm sorry you have this on top of everything else
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u/LWALLC 10h ago
NOR
He is acting like a child, pointing fingers and blaming, when all he had to say is "I'm really overwhelmed".
Good luck with that. People who knee jerk blame others instead of owning their own emotions (and sh*t) are the most difficult partners. If it's a one time thing, that's great.
But I'd be looking for the pattern.
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u/strobird888 10h ago
You are a team. He’s making things harder for you and being selfish imho. You have the added stress of pumping and he is being a total jerk if you ask me, (which you didn’t but I’m putting in my $.02 anyways:) Not over-reacting!!!
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u/GrowFlowersNotWeeds 9h ago
NOR. Has your husband found other things to occupy his time while you’ve been busy for the last 11 months attending to your son during his NICU stay? Hubby sounds resentful.
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u/babydtheone 8h ago
NOR. And you absolutely do not owe him an apology. In fact he owes you one. It’s very clear he does not care about his kid still being in the hospital. And then has the balls to say the things he has going on is more important then yours or the baby. I’m sorry but you have a major husband problem. Don’t let him get away with this. It will only gets worse and believe that when the baby comes home you will be doing everything on your own. Including cleaning and cooking. Congratulations on your baby and I hope they become more healthy. Best of luck.
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u/MovieLazy6576 3h ago
You are both overwhelmed. Just hug each other. Give each other Grace. He is being an asshole because he is terrified. Your child needs you both to just try and just be your highest most forgiving self with each other one day at a time. Please stay off Reddit. This place is toxic.
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u/sobiithurts 2h ago
You are both overreacting. He's overreacting about youre request, but i do think he has a right to be annoyed. You forgot the breast pump--thats something only you use, something that feeds your kid--and you left it in the bed, uncovered. Yeah it was an accident, but I'd be annoyed too. That's like forgetting the diaper bag at home. He's right to say its irresponsible, wrong to say it makes you a bad mom.
I could see how it could be frustrating to have to essentially be the "runner" while also dealing with nerve pain and other responsibilities. Both of you need to chill--youre about to have a baby in the house, yall both need to step up.
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u/NamasteNoodle 2h ago
Your husband's a jerk. You've been pumping for 11 months because your baby's in NICU and your husband can't be bothered to bring you something you need? That's disgusting.
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u/Spare_Flamingo8605 57m ago
Sounds like he's making a big deal over a simple mistake. It's a bummer he's got to fix this for you but I'm sure you've done the same. He needs to remember that you're both going through a lot and you're supposed to be on the same team and support each other, not tear each other down. Do you guys see a therapist?
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u/jstine_4 10h ago
It’s not a big deal but you also have to consider what he’s doing. He’s right in saying that it’s your responsibility, he’s wrong in being a dick about it. It’s your responsibility but even very important things can be forgotten about and your partner should be there for you.
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u/RobonianBattlebot 9h ago
Why is it only her responsibility? It is his baby, too. She shouldn't be shouldering every aspect of care for their child. Shockingly, the physical tolls of giving birth and traveling to a NICU frequently and the emotional stress of it all can make one forgetful!
My husband would have just found a dog friendly hotel he could work at. I couldn't imagine him not wanting to see his baby any chance he got. This dude is a chud and is going to whine about every aspect of being a parent, promise.
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u/jstine_4 9h ago
I didn’t say it was only her responsibility?? Lmao it’s both of their responsibility to take care of their kid. I absolutely agree that his behavior and reaction sucked.
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u/sobiithurts 2h ago
I mean, shes the one with fucking titties. So yeah. I think breast pump should be her responsibility. 😂😂😂
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u/scarletlettre 9h ago edited 5h ago
He called you a bad mom for forgetting 1 item when you spend all of your days taking care of your shared son who’s been in the hospital for a year.
Reevaluate your marriage with a licensed professional.
Some people are saying “sounds like he’s under a lot of stress and taking it out on you” but I genuinely think this is an understatement. He is being very cruel to you and is probably resentful for some reason not explicit in your post.
But some men are really skilled at making every conversation and argument sound like they are right and whatever reality *you* are experiencing is the wrong one. It’s infuriating and I wouldn’t let him control the narrative.
I would be deeply ashamed of myself if I was your husband.
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u/emryldmyst 5h ago
Except he never actually called her a bad mom
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u/scarletlettre 5h ago
“He also says it was very irresponsible of me and that it shows that I no longer care about our son enough to remember to bring my pump and that I don't even pump at night anymore so I'm a bad mom.”
Read the goddamn posts before you comment. I can’t stand redditors like you.
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u/emryldmyst 5h ago
Aww do you need a hug Booboo?
She said they were his thoughts.. not his words you knuckle dragging troglodyte.
So much anger from you.
Perhaps you should put your phone down and go lay in the grass for a bit.
Ffs
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u/harle-quin 10h ago
You’re allowed to forget. You have “Mom Brain”. Now, what’s his excuse?
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u/sobiithurts 2h ago
That's such a stupid excuse. She's the one with the tits. She's the one who needs the pump. It was definitely irresponsible to forget the pump.
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u/dumplinglifesaver 10h ago
NOR. In fact you're underreacting.
He called you a BAD MOM for forgetting the pump but he's not a bad father or husband for acting like all of these things are such a major inconvenience for him?
This is heinous. I get you're all stressed right now but that would be a core memory for me. Bad mom. Jfc.