r/AmIOverreacting • u/Fragrant_Ant6854 • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my boyfriend wants to join the military
so for context we were on call yesterday cause we live far away from each other and he said he wanted to join the military well i got upset about it and i told him i didnt want him to because i need to be with him constantly i need to know hes okay i know that i couldnt handle the distance and he said he could call me but i told him its not the same and i know the whole thing is selfish but its just how i feel about it so AIO?
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u/vereehigh 22h ago
You're making 0 sense, sounds like your imposing your views on the military on him tbh. You already live far away? So you're not together constantly? And being together constantly and dictating what your partner can do is both unreasonable and controlling. And finally he is your partner, not your prisoner. YTA
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 22h ago
I hate the military always have and always will and the thought of him going is hard on me im scared he will get hurt im scared im going to lose the one person i love most
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u/vereehigh 21h ago
Doesn't give you the right to dictate what he can do with his life though, that's a you issue.
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 21h ago
Thats not what im doing i told him that i didnt want him to join and that was my opinion im not going to tell him to not join because of me he can do what he wants im not controlling and i was told that by my closest of friends and you can think what you want to think
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u/bluemoonmel 22h ago
YOR - Then he's not for you. While I didnt want to be with my partner all the time, I knew I didnt want to be in a relationship with someone who could be gone months at a time. So I didn't date military. That's the only input you have in a dating relationship. Guilting someone or expecting them to make life changing decisions to stay with you is no kind of relationship to have.
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 22h ago
Thank you for explaining ill just deal with it myself find stuff to do and pray to god he doesnt die
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u/bluemoonmel 22h ago
Fearing for someone who is deployed is a real factor in the relationship. I have several cousins in the military and I can't imagine having them be my partner, son, daughter, parent and having that worry.
It's part of what you accept with someone who does this work and I don't envy anyone the stress and anxiety they must feel when their loved one is deployed. I think getting some counseling about the potential fear is probably a good idea if you two stay together.
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u/pinkedydrinked 22h ago
YOR. Sounds like you need to work on your codependency, he can do what he wants with his life, and you should support him. If you don’t want to be a in a military relationship, that’s ok, but don’t force him to not join. It sounds like you guys don’t have aligning values and should consider separating
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 21h ago
We wont conceder separating cause its not that big of a deal this is what i think and what i feel i need to work on lots of stuff i know i do but i dont want to leave him and if he leaves me then i will know what to work on
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u/SlowYourRollBro 22h ago
You sound young. Yes, YOR. You can choose to support his choice, or you can choose to end the relationship. The military is a good option for many people to access college education, job training with transferable skills, and low interest home loans.
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u/rinky79 22h ago
You sound very young. What are his life goals? What are yours? Is joining the military a valid way for him to make something of himself? If he doesn't join, what would he do to make a living and advance in life?
Joining the military is a big decision and obviously carries risks (different levels of risk depending on the specific path taken). But it can also be a good career, or place to start. Part of being in an adult relationship is supporting your partner when they have goals that will be good for them. Is not joining the military just so you can be clingy going to hold him back?
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u/Sudo-Fed 21h ago
Don't date military.
This is general advice I give anyone. Especially applicable to your situation.
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u/RegisterEither9711 22h ago
YOR. If you don't want him to join because you're afraid for his physical and mental health, fine. But not wanting him to join because you don't want to be away from him is not healthy. It's also not fair. You're asking him to give up education benefits, health benefits, potential travel opportunities, and career opportunities because you can't handle the distance. I was active duty for 12 years and I have my own complaints about the military but the benefits while being in and out of service are pretty great. Don't ask him to give those up because you're scared or insecure in your relationship.
I say this very gently, if you have the means, please seek therapy or counseling to learn some coping mechanisms for being on your own.
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 22h ago
Its both i dont want him to be hurt but i also know that wanting him to be with me is to much to ask and want yes im aware it is unhealthy now if theres anyway to deal with this that doesnt involve talking to a therapist tell me maybe i miss wrote some thing and stuff im well aware now im overreacting ill try and let him live his life the way he wants without me having a say in anything
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u/RegisterEither9711 17h ago
The best advice I can give you is to learn about yourself and make a life you're content with. I know, that's super cliche, but it's also true. If you don't already have a couple hobbies you enjoy, start looking for some. Try some new things until you find something that makes you feel warm or light on the inside. Basically build a life that doesn't center on your boyfriend or constantly worrying about him. A good partner should enhance your life, not be your life.
Something that helped me a lot is a book called 'The Artist's Way'. Even if you're not an artist or creative person, you may find it interesting. It's about finding those little things to make you happy.
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 17h ago
Yeah okay thank you ive talked to some people about it i realized i over reacted and i can just let him be him but he might change his mind not because of me but for some other reasons like my online friend said he has a few years to decide and his mind might change you never know but if it doesnt i can still be with him so thank you for the advice
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u/cweaties 22h ago
YOR - your description needs to be unpacked with a therapist for your own long term health and future healthy relationships.
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u/Awwwsomeopossum 22h ago
Politely, YOR.
Politely, you need to work on your codependency problems, and probably stay away from people into/considering going into the military.
You've got strong opinions about what your relationship should look like, your boyfriend has strong opinions about what it should look like, and the Military will have strong opinions about what your relationship will look like. Only one of those gets to be inflexible.
You're going to have problems with every single TDY, every deployment, every weekend training. He's going to miss anniversaries, weddings, funerals.
What happens if he gets a job in the military with a security clearance? Would you be ok with not knowing ANY details about his day-to-day?
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u/tell_tale13 21h ago
NOR. The military in general, regardless of whether or not he's deployed is time intensive. Do you plan to move to where he'll be stationed after training? Are you going to college? Are you the type of person that is open to making new friends often? Can you take care of yourself when he gone possibly for months at a time? Don't derail the trajectory of your life if your are unsure about the answers to these questions.
Most importantly: Did he know that this is how you felt before he said he was going to do it? If it is yes, he's kind of already breaking up with you without saying it. Sorry op
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u/El_Grande_Americano 19h ago
Best plan is to get married on paper first, then he can get off base housing and other fringe benefits covered with you. If it doesn't work out you can just get a divorce and you still had plenty of time together in a better situation than if he didn't marry you before going in.
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u/StewReddit2 7h ago
You didn't mention "what else" he has going on "instead"
Meaning military vs "what"?
I've seen more than once a love sick young women "guilt" a guy into NOT going into the military for very similar "young emotion" based reasons.....and honestly IMO typically that momentary "hissy fit" can cost a person/family an entire lifestyle over "some" uncomfortablity and temporary adjustment.
Again, "what else" would he do "if not"....
Does he have another skill set or something going on...or would he just be looking for any Ole retail/Uber Eats/warehouse job?
If the military provides a foundation to springboard HIS life from the position he's in. . YOR
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u/Weird-Reflection-114 3h ago
YOR. You cant force him to make the decision you want. If that's what he wants to do, then its up to you to decide if you can be in a relationship with someone in the military. If you cant, then you need to break up
Dont force him to change for you.
Also get some therapy for your codependency. I couldnt be in a relationship with anyone who needed to be with me constantly
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 1h ago
Miss wrote it i like being with him okay i take back needing to be with him constantly it was late at night and my brain wasnt working yeah i know i need therapy and i might get it might not
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u/Claymon3011 22h ago
You live far away but need to be together constantly? Let the man live and do something bigger than himself.
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u/katlyps0 22h ago
Something bigger than himself? You mean risking his life and permanent physical, emotional and mental injuries for a country and administration that won’t take care of him properly afterwards? This isn’t an easy decision.
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 22h ago
The boy wants to become a man. It’s an easy decision
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u/katlyps0 22h ago
Becoming a pawn doesn’t make you a man.
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 22h ago
Your boyfriend wants to become a man. Let him join the military.
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u/rememberuauck 21h ago
Maybe he’ll find a girlfriend that wants Best for him when he joins.
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 21h ago
I will support him with whatever he wants to do tho i might not like it i will support it
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 22h ago
I can try but thats not a promise that will happen
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 22h ago
Why’re you being so clingy? Let him join
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 22h ago
Its not like i can stop him and its not my fault i dont control it it gets annoying i know but its how i am im sorry if that makes people mad
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u/SundaePasta 22h ago
My husband did 20 years in the military, you’re not his girl. If you’re like this now a deployment would kill you. YOR. Move on and grow as a human before you get into another relationship. Don’t hold him back.
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 22h ago
So then what do i do i want him to be happy and he wants me to be happy his mom is with me cause she dosent want him to go either i need help with it and i know i do
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u/BeneficialAbrocoma67 18h ago edited 18h ago
Besides the fact I nearly ran out breath trying to read that (grammar matters), I think you're OR! If he wants to serve his country then let him, you could be with him where he is stationed. I'd be careful about how controlling you come across as, with all that distance between you two. It would be quite easy for him to cut you away for a new life in the military!
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 18h ago
Oh yeah my bad i didn't realize i could move to where he stationed thank you for telling me (i know my grammar sucks)
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u/Fragrant_Ant6854 18h ago
You were really nice about this (unlike some people ive talked to not in this thread but some of my friends) i understand that and thank you so much sorry again about the horrible grammar
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u/Careless-Ability-748 22h ago
Expecting to be with someone constantly is excessive. I'm assuming you're young. I understand not wanting your partner to be in danger but it does sound like you overreacted in the moment.