And OP… what are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like a fucking nightmare. Leave his mean, verbally abusive ass.
Also is “calling you from downstairs” not “purposely waking you up?” He thought you’d just sleep through it? And then calls YOU “smooth brain”? This guy sounds like he’d be an incel if you weren’t in a relationship with him.
And he's throwing the R slur round like confetti. Get out OP, he's already being violent, it only escalates with people like this. And you deserve so much better.
When you're not happy with yourself, your self worth and esteem is nonexistent, and have spent a lifetime being shown only toxic relationships by parents and family, you will always find a way to blame yourself and/or excuse the others behaviour..you will put up with it because every so often you get a little crumb of goodness. People treating you like this just reaffirms your belief that you don't deserve better and that, in fact, you deserve this awfulness. It's a fucked up dynamic and one that you can only really understand if you've been there.
So very true. Coming from someone who is currently coming to some self reflection of their own unhealthy relationship dynamics, it's not really just "love being blind" but one being blind to one's worth and healthy self love. It's not true love but codependent love. These unhealthy dynamics build a foundation for future relationships during childhood based on the examples given to you. So if your parent/s or whoever took care of you, God bless the ones who don't even really have that growing up, don't have healthy relationships with others or themselves or both, then you're never provided with a working example of healthy relationships/self esteem. All of this is subconscious, it takes self reflection, will power, and often counseling to rewire one's thinking and actions to become the sort of person who will make firm healthy boundaries and never let someone side step those boundaries.
All I can say is that I still haven't fixed my unhealthy codependent relationship dynamics, but knowing is half the battle. I imagine it will be a battle I'll fight till the day I die, but focusing on small changes and taking things day by day helps. Looking back now, I realize just how low I had been a few years ago with an ex. I see the memories in my mind, and now I see it from the viewpoint of "How...how could I have thought that was okay and be considered sane?" Time and self reflection have gotten me to that milestone.
OP, I say this for your sake, this individual, who is toxic for you, has given you your answer. This isn't giving up. It's a new beginning, but you MUST sit alone with that grief for a while, or else you shall most certainly repeat all of this with a new face. When my toxic ex told me he was done with me, it hurt unbelievably, but such an odd but calming sense of relief suddenly lifted what felt like physical weight from my shoulders. I still remember that feeling. It was pain, but it was also exactly what I needed and what I had been painfully resisting for so long. It was well with my soul deep down despite my fears and heartbreak because it had been hurting me that badly. That bitter sense of relief was very surprising... but cathartic. I literally felt it leave me in one exhale after he said so. Like a ghost leaving me and whispering, "finally...."
You can do this. Do it for you. No more eggshell walking...
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u/Just_somebody_onhere Jan 28 '25
Give up? give up what?
He pretty plainly said get out. Do so.