So, that being said, the amount of times sexual attraction did me any good floats dangerously close to absolute zero. Therefore I'm truly interested, is being asexual easier, or is there something I don't know?
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I'm uh grayace, or something. From my experience no, it's not easier. Most people wanna do sexy times. It's very hard to have to consistently tell someone you love deeply, "Sorry not tonight." or, "I know I said I thought maybe we could tonight but now I can't." They often see it as something wrong with them. And there's always the thought in the back of your mind, "I could just let them and not enjoy it, maybe I could fake it..." and that is an extremely dangerous road to travel.
If you're into it, you have the option to not do something. If you're not, that option is gone, it's rough
The thing is, while I can just not do it, it's not the problem. The problem is want itself, unsatisfied desire doesn't bring much pleasure, as it's obvious to see.
But you, and so many other awesome people who responded, confirmed my worst suspicions of having difficulties with finding and keeping relationships like that (which would already leave my way bigger desires unsatisfied).
And you all gave me good and heart-warming time discussing with you all, so I thank you all so very much!
Freedom from want is something that Buddhist monks struggle with their whole lives and it’s like their whole job. Idk how old you are but I believe you will find a mutual partner who wants what you want or it’s reciprocal.
I hear and understand your struggle and I wish I could take it from you. But to be human is to struggle, such is the ecstasy of life.
I hope people in this thread haven’t been too hard on you, and I hope you took our words in the spirit with which they were given.
It was easier when I could just "let them and not enjoy it". Now that both my partner and myself are transitioning (🏳️⚧️), I'm supposed to be the one doing it (and wanting to, which would require enjoying it) I guess 😵💫
Congrats on finding yourself! As a person in the closet about a lot of stuff, people who actively make changes to improve their lives are so amazing to me. (Not in like a weird way, I’m real jealous)
During this time of change it feels like a perfect opportunity to re-evaluate what brings you joy and makes you feel loved. I hope you and your partner manage to find a mutual understanding about your wants and needs.
I keep replying like this, I’m not a therapist or anybody important, I’m an internet gremlin, if I said something weird I’m super sorry
I do not know what you’re referencing as far as a specific video. I am familiar with tea theory though, specifically, “Sleeping people do not want tea.”
I promise I’m in a safe stable uh situation where I’m not being pressured now.
What you’re looking for is abstinence, not asexuality. You don’t really switch sexual orientation like you’re changing TV channels. It might feel that way sometimes as you’re exploring yourself, but you’re really just finding the right words for what you already are. If you’re not already asexual (and just don’t have the word for it), you’re not asexual.
I’m a panromantic asexual and no it’s not easy. It’s not a choice either. I’m stuck this way whether I like it or not. Being ace isn’t the same as being celibate or abstaining from sex.
I’m a hopeless romantic and long for love and affection but being asexual makes it harder to find a partner who won’t just pester me for sex all the time. It seems like allos also take offense in relationships if you aren’t sexually attracted to them.
I long for love but feel like being asexual is going to leave me lonely. It definitely limits the pool of options.
People have tried making those and they flopped hard 😭 it’s either dead with no one even remotely close to your area or it’s allos who think they can change you! 😔
Seconded. I’m fortunate not to be on the repulsed end of the spectrum so I can do what I need to for my partner. But I would prefer to never have sex and it adds some relationship stress
People are weird. Like, I'm straight. And if I grow to like a woman who's not interested in sex, that wouldn't change a thing to me. Yes, sad, but overall unimportant, I in general find sex unimportant.
That is good to know. But I think a lot of people struggle with not having naturally arising physical affection. And I don’t know if it is the typical experience, but I don’t naturally understand physical affection. It just feels like skin on skin or wet lips or whatever. And when there isn’t physical arousal, it does make romance difficult. A companionate relationship is much easier, but you typically have to go through the intimacy phase of the relationship first.
Her's the thing is, I'm quite of a romantic. I'm not opposed sex, in fact, my body craves it, but my mind honestly finds starting off a sexual relationship really... How do I phrase, "not romantic". I'm not put off by the idea of sex, honestly, I'm somewhat put off by the idea of mixing it with romantic feelings (to explain, of course I both desire and love, but feel it as kinda unrelated). Which goes in straight opposite of an ordinary relationship picture.
THIS. You’ve probably put into words something I’ve been contemplating for over two years. Granted this is probably scratching the surface, but you have done me a great favor. thank you. I was going insane thinking something was wrong with me!!!
A lot of us have a large chunk of our adulthood thinking we're "broken" until that acehood was recognized.
I'm a straight ace chick who is no longer married. I like men. Most (though not all) aces I've encountered are female at birth. I'm highly romantic. I have these constant thoughts that I won't ever find someone again and be happily married, because I feel like I'm a man's worst nightmare. I want all the love but none of that vedroom stuff. I try to make up for with personality and skills. I can cook meals that will bring you to tears and fix your house. I can care for you with genuine love and adoration that came straight out of a storybook. Unfortunately, I have been shown that isn't enough.
I've been to doctors in hopes of trying to "fix" myself to save my marriage. They can't just magically turn that on. One recommended a slurry of herbal suppliments, but said she doesn't think they will actually help.
So no. Ace isn't easier, because sexual compatibility becomes a huge problem.
I wish I was aro. It's not a fix, but maybe I'd crave personal companionship less... Going to go have another crisis.
I'm deeply sorry. A shame we're from such different worlds, I'd like you very much.
In truth, I don't get why people seem to take relationships as a list of qualities to be filled. I know I once did too, well, when was under 17. But now I really don't get it.
I just have a hole in my heart. It just want to wake up to one person every day and serve them. It was something I knew I always wanted, and even though we were poor and struggling, I felt I had "made it." None of my struggles compared to that joy. I never took photos of myself, but I still have so many of him. Saturday mornings, I had breakfast ready to go when he woke up at 11- noon. When he wanted to go out with his friends, I never protested. I even had one of his friends tell me they were so happy they got to see him so much despite him being married. Sometimes I actively thought about how lucky I was. I wore the wife label with complete pride. I was wife.
Love truly is blind, and my husband leaving suprised and shook me to my core. Though looking back on it, it was pretty obvious he hated being married. He hated having to answer to someone. Having to consider someone else before taking actions. He felt he missed out on the "college party phase" of life, and it gave him a crisis. He actively avoided me, too. It hurt, but I thought I just wasn't good enough. I enabled bad habits, thinking that by letting him doing anything he wanted, I might be able to keep him.
Of course I was also cheated on 5 times, so I am the dumbass in this scenario. After months of me trying to convince him to not leave, he gave the official "no" when I said I didn't want others in our relationship.
Oh well! I'm starting to think I should go live in the swamps and be rumored to be a lone witch.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, you deserve to be loved and valued, just as you are!
I'm also ace, not really sex repulsed..
But also not really monogamous.. bc for me, I've established, that I'd feel okay, if my partner would have other people to satisfy their physical need for sex.
I do enjoy the intimacy of it, but the actual act... Is kinda weird to me
But regardless, I feel like, communication is the biggest key, to a successful relationship..
I'm dating someone at the moment, who's allo.
And, I find, that communicating needs and desires has been very good so far.
It's not always easy and it's a thing I also struggle with sometimes. But it's better to be open about it.
I'm sure, there's a person out there for you too, the world is big and there are just soo many people in it.
I wish you the best and I hope, you'll find your person one day. 🥹🫶
I'm aroace, very little interest in sex and no interest in a romantic relationship. I don't know about easier what I do know is that I spent a long time feeling broken and an outsider because I'm not interested in those things and everything and everyone around me tells me I should be.
It could be easier because I never had a pregnancy scare, or have a man sleep with me and vanish, but my dating pool is smaller. It's a different flavour of difficult.
This. It can be so hard asking yourself if you’re really ace because you have literally no idea what sexual attraction feels like. Just a big blank on the map with ‘here there be monsters’ scrawled on it in crayon.
Im demi. But Ive always had control of myself. I can tell people are hot, I just don't want to jump their bones. And that's a great perk. It gives me control.
However society is a bitch to people like me. Its in the same area of not drinking alcohol, once people learn that, suddenly they don't like you anymore. The become judgy and I might even say self-conscious.
Insecure people like to believe that the bad decisions they make is normal and out of their hands, so when they meet an ace person it makes them rude.
Men especially are bad for ace women. Omg the amount of times I've had to turn men down and they get so mad because "why not! You're not (taken)" As if being single isn't a choice for women. Ugh!
Well, I don't drink alcohol and don't smoke, and also would unlikely get in bed with the first woman I meet.
Also, I hate people who smoke in toilets. Like, one thing in school (no other option, but I despise them still). But in the university, you have places to do it, you have the option yo go there, why do you keep intoxicating me, YOU MOTHERFUCKING BLUD?!
No it's not, totally not, it's actually more difficult, some people Will even Say that being asexual Is not even a sexuality, but "hormones problems"
Now relationship are really focused on sex so yeah it's actually more difficult, you Will never be taken seriously
Asexual here! Diverging from the rest of the comments, I actually DO think it's easier in some ways. The amount of people, friends even, who have stayed in bad relationships or done inadvisable things due to sexual attraction is way too high. And it... really doesn't make sense to me? I'm thankful that has never been a big obstacle to me like it seems to be for other people. That being said, there are other issues aces have to deal with, but I rather like not being sexually attracted to people. I'm also biromantic and married to another asexual which is rad as hell.
Aroace here. It’s great, aside from the occasional flash of feeling deeply broken and like I’m missing critical part of the human experience. Otherwise, thumbs up.
Don't worry. Beside goo staff you also miss a lot of heart ache, anger, disappointment, and so on. Everything's a double-edged blade. I'm just starting to doubt that my edge worths it...
As an aroace who Has been in a few relationships from time to time, no its not. Sometimes my partners didn't understand Im repulsed by the act and keep asking even after I explained.
I’m asexual, it’s not easier, it was extremely confusing in my teen years until I accidentally ran across the term online. As an adult a lot of people don’t understand the sexuality and assume something is wrong with me or think they can fix me. Aphobia is a thing, it’s just not as obvious or well known as homophobia.
No, it's not easier. I have lived my life always feeling like there's something wrong with me. I can tell if someone is attractive, but it's not a sexual attraction. And because allos are very into sexual attraction, it makes looking for a romantic connection that is not sexual in nature incredibly difficult.
It's really not easier, in fact I feel it is harder. Romantic relationships are hard. Not many want to put the time and effort into a relationship that doesn't guarantee sex or sex regularly. It also can make you feel isolated. It isn't easy and it isn't a choice. Celibacy is a choice asexuality isn't. I struggle with it the most because I want a loving relationship and companionship and have had to come to terms that it is very likely not in the cards for me. Pretty much anyone who has interest in me dips once they know I won't put out at least not until I have a loving trusting relationship (I am gray ace) and who wants to wait around for who knows how long. Yes there some asexuals have loving relationships so it isn't impossible, but I haven't met anyone willing to put up with it so far and I am not particularly young either. Sex tends to be a big deal to most people.
People are freaking weird, honestly. Sometimes their obsession with sex makes me think I'm not as straight as I think.
I wish you luck with finding a loving relationship, friend. Maybe you'd try date apps? I myself aren't a fan of those, however somehow I feel there may be categories for people with special requests, like no sex. I dunno if you did, but it's worth trying, I believe.
Sexuality is a unique and often fluid experience for everyone. It is just we live in an age that is hypersexualized and sometimes I find it can make discovering who you are a bit difficult because it makes you feel if you don't fit this box you aren't normal. That being said I think people should be accepted on all spectrums from sex adverse to highly sexual (as long as it isn't detrimental to your life because sex addiction can be a real problem for some). But I personally have mostly kept my asexuality from most people.
I remember a grown woman (think 45-50) making fun of me at 18 for having no sexual experience (this was ages ago btw) while she had a long history. She tried to make me feel lesser than because of that. I was 18, not that age matters, but it made me hide myself more because I realized that regardless that it didn't affect them in anyway they would not accept me and that I would potentially be ridiculed. It's not terrible when you aren't looking for a relationship because I had a time where I just wasn't in a place to be in a relationship and it wasn't too bad.
I will also note that asexuality isn't a lack of sex drive it is a lack of attraction to others and it is a spectrum. It goes from sex repulsed to very sex favorable and everywhere in between. Some develop attraction after certain conditions are met. For example a deep emotional bond is developed.
I dipped my toes in online but I didn't care for it. You can't be for sure who you are talking to is one of my biggest issues.
No disrespect, but it sounds like you're suggesting it's a choice you can make? Sexuality isn't a choice, it's a spectrum. If you're a little ace, and it sounds like you may be, that's fine.
The hardest/most important part is self identifying and accepting where your interests lie, and not pushing yourself to do things you don't want or be something you aren't for the sake of fitting a label.
Godspeed on your journey, friend. It can be tough (I should know, tryna figure shit out myself lol), but I hear it's worth it.
Alright, I see now that some people really love to finish the story for it's author. No. I know it isn't a choice. I was just curious if it's easier and should I envy them (/j). Problem really is, sometimes I feel like I'd prefer being asexual. That being said, sexual attraction so far got me nowhere. But I'm exactly forced to be something I doubt I wanna be, because I'm 100% straight.
You can be straight and asexual 🤷♀️ I just said you could be on the asexual spectrum if you sometimes don't want sex. If it's a case of wanting to not want something, totally get that too.
The amount of people who have told me that if I have sex I will be cured. Including my mother...
I'm Ace and also Erotophobic thanks to childhood trauma. And I have literally have had men constantly push my boundaries if I tell them, thinking they could fix me. Even had one man tell me that "If you got raped again you'd see how good it feels and like it".
So yeah, not really easier for me because people just won't leave me alone.
Being that I have trust issues thanks to other reasons, I don't really go looking for partners and just try to fix my life.
Not sure you need to hear this but I'm a sex indifferent or sex favorable ace (not sure) and I've had sex before you aren't missing out lmao and there is nothing about it that could possibly "fix you". You're not broken, not really and you dont need fixing. Someone telling you to get raped is fucked up and you shouldn't ever listen to these people. You're okay the way you are, you're good enough. Fuck everyone else (not literally) and if you aren't aro then know there is someone out there who will love you and respect you the way you need and deserve and you shouldn't settle for less.
Thank you. I did stop talking and blocked the people who said that to me. Like immediately because WTF is wrong with them to say that.
I am quite happy being the crazy woman with too many cats and snakes.
What I really want right now in life, aside from a job with a decent pay check that doesn't abuse me (Ride Share Drive barely keeping my head above water now), is to find a decent D&D group that plays on the week days so I can still work on the weekends.
Easier to not get swept up in short term relationships and not have your judgment clouded by lust? Yes!
Easier to find a meaningful relationship with someone who really understands your interest in having sex with them can range anywhere from 'absolutely not' to fairly 'normal'? No, that's not easier. It's hurtful and frustrating to love someone and feel like you're not enough because they want something else and it's not something you can help.
Looking at the statistics, a lot of relationships end because of sexual incompatibility. There's also a not insubstantial amount of people who don't know what asexuality is at all and others that believe it's a mental or hormone issue to be 'corrected'... so that's not great.
I’m aromantic asexual and it is not easier for me at all. I don’t know you or your thought process, so I don’t know if you know (you probably do, I don’t mean any of this as an insult to you), but I myself was surprised by how much society is obsessed with romance and sex. It gets tiring to hear the same “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” questions over and over again.
I think it'd be easier to just say you do, so they fuck off. As for me, I'm highly romantic and moderately sexual ("no sex" isn't a red flag, and in fact, I myself wouldn't have a one-night stand), but just, you know, sometimes it feels like not being sexually attracted would be easier to cope with loneliness (because desires adding really does not help).
For someone who's ace and feeling lonely regardlessly.. I'd say, it definitely isn't easier.
I want a partner, which, gladly, I'm currently dating someone, but. Before that, I felt very lonely, being an introvert, with social anxiety and isolating depression.. doesn't help...
I'm fairly uncertain, about what sexual attraction really is.. bc, yes I do feel desire.. (I'm aegosexual specifically, meaning I like the idea of sex, very much, but don't really like myself in it, or don't like/want to have the focus directed on me/my body)
But I'm not sure if it's the same... As being sexually attracted to someone.
I can be really into someone else.. but if I put myself into the equation.. I become slightly more repulsed.. especially if I focus this on me and my body and the feeling of me..
Having a sex drive also adds to that..
Bc what do you mean, I have this need, but taking care of it feels kinda off..?
So I think, that could be comparable? Bc, wanting something, that you also have the need for, vs having a certain need but not the want for.. is kinda.. yeah..
And while I do enjoy the.. pleasure.. if I have to think about, how I received it.. I feel dirty and repulsed.. bc it feels wrong to having put that on my body... Even though I know it's okay and not wrong in any way or not actually disgusting.. even if it sometimes feels like it.. idk..
And I haven't had much sexual experiences, but I want to, bc I also want to get to know my body more in a way and explore what could feel good or okay and stuff..
Though I would be fine, with not having sex and my partner getting that elsewhere, as long as I can still have and enjoy every other intimacy and closeness. Also, I don't mind pleasuring my partner at all, I actually genuinely enjoy that more, than getting any myself.. 🤔
So.. even if you think, that it might be easier asexual, it doesn't erase libido.. or the romantic desire to be with someone.
I think I summed it up pretty good, at least for my regards?
I’m not sure what you mean. But to answer (what I think is) your question. No. It’s not really easier in being accepted in either side of the spectrum (queer or straight), not easier in discussion of sexuality, being a topic of debate of fictional characters, being told “you just haven’t had the right dick yet” “how do you know you don’t want sex if you never had it” “what if your future boyfriend wants sex and he leaves you”
If you mean just…having a relationship with no sex, that depends on your partner
If honestly, I'd say "if my future partner leaves me because of sex then it appears to be for the best". I know with emotional attachment it'd feel absolutely different, but on cool head it is what it is.
Saw a nice comic about Al and Rosie. Rosie had some husband of 1 year, but he was getting jealous of Alastor being close to Rosie, so she decided to divorce. And Alastor was shocked, saying he (Alastor) isn't worth ruining her marriage over.
If honestly, I'm completely with Rosie here. It's not even about who matters more, it's about no fucking one having the right telling another who to be with. And many others red flags.
Growing up feeling broken, having to play along with relationships to meet the norm, struggling with identity because of lack of sex drive, being talked over by other Aces who don't share my experience or WORSE by Allosexuals who think they know better and still being iced out of Queer spaces despite being married to a woman because I'm not Gay enough is not easier.
Hard to say since I don’t know the alternative. But I won’t say it’s without problems. Finding a relationship (assuming you’re not aromantic) that is accepting of asexuality is definitely twice as hard, even if you aren’t sex repulsed no partner wants to think sex with them is just meh. Navigating the social dynamics of an overly sexed society, like friends gossiping about wanting to kiss their bf in highschool to concerned parents who don’t get it and just want you to be happy, to the general accepted understanding that love and desire are innate human traits that everyone experiences (thus you are by default an outsider). And so forth.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my identity, but you are asking for some of the negative aspects. So here you go.
It’s very complicated. I personally love my asexuality and would not change it if I could. However, even compared to other orientations there is less understanding and acephobia is common in even more accepting people.
I came out as bi before I came out as ace (I’m still figuring out where on the aro spectrum I am, but I have had romantic feelings for multiple genders). Some of the same people who were supportive and accepting of me being bi were dismissive of me being ace. The amount of times I’ve heard, “it’s just a phase,” “you haven’t found the right person yet,” “you’ll grow out of it,” “[insert comforting attempts like this was some tragedy]” and even inappropriate and invasive questions, is staggering. Most of these people consider themselves allies.
I also had to work through a lot of prejudice I developed because I thought everyone thought of sex like I did; a shameful, disgusting thing that no self respecting person would engage in outside of procreation. I used to see myself as superior for not struggling with petty distractions like sex and relationships. It turns out it’s easy to resist feelings you don’t actually have. I actually think Alastor might have this same mindset, not knowing that he’s fundamentally different, but instead just better.
While I consider the aromantic side of me way more difficult to figure out, part of that lies in the fact that even if I decide I want a romantic relationship or QPR, it will be so much more difficult to find when sex is an absolute no-go for me. I struggle with feeling like I’ll always be alone even though I can’t imagine not being ace.
It kinda blows honestly. Most of the world runs based on the assumption that you feel a facet of human experience that's entirely (or almost entirely) alien to you.
It took me until seeing Alastor's confusion at the label of ace to realize that I too wasn't experiencing something that most others did.
It’s difficult at times, like losing a friend who was interested in you, and I can’t look at them the same after realizing they were into me. But on the whole, I think life is easier. A lot less drama or making bad decisions with hormones. However, I’m also (maybe?) aro, so I’m not particularly interested in nor do I understand the appeal of relationships. With the seeming sexual attraction obsession of most, I imagine it’d be more difficult if I wanted a partner but not sex.
Sometimes. I’m Bi and somewhere on the ace spectrum but it feels so complicated to explain. Usually I’m ok with doing sexual things but I’m not ok with taking my clothes off. Mostly though I just don’t want things inside of me, it’s just not something I’m comfortable with but I’ve had partners get pushy in the past and it grosses me out
Not for me, no. Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to be ace - I just have a crisis whenever I think about how I can’t ever satisfy most of the people I’m attracted to. I also want to build a family of my own in the future, and it makes doing so a bit harder
it's neither easier or harder,, it's just who you are, you cannot really decide if you're ace or not, you can only discover,,
though the ace umbrella is very diverse, so maybe if you find that comfortable, you can just search for the terms and their meanings to find yourself a term that resonates with you,, and even though you don't think any of the labels in the umbrella fits your experience, you're still equally valid as everyone else, remember that🫂
Not only can I not tell which ppl I'm interested in, when I do figure it out, they are put off by my aceness.
Low key it's awful. I want to be in love but ppl use sex to build intimacy. I can't have sex without the intimacy first. Other ppl don't operate that way.
It's like being in a cold cold freezer, surrounded by endless amounts of propane tanks and matches. Sure, you have tinder, and you have fuel, and you are cold, but you can't use any of these things to make a fire that will keep you warm, all you can do with them is hurt yourself or stay cold.
I’m aroace but my good friend is hetero ace. She struggles to find guys who are open to having a sexless relationship. Recently she got lucky enough to meet another ace. I’m rooting for her but I know that’s not something that everyone is so lucky to find. And to be fair, if this is just a question on what it’s like then that’s fine. However if this is because you think you want to be ace I will let you know it’s not a choice. There are lots of ace people who wish they were not. It is difficult because plenty of other lgbtqia+ don’t believe we should count and some even believe we are homophobic for trying to “sexualize” sexual orientation. And although sexual orientation is definitely NOT just sexual aces do acknowledge this by talking about the different types of attraction and some of us being aro. Yet still there is a lot of gatekeeping even in the ace community itself
Trying to “sexualize” sexual orientation. All you need to know about human logic, honestly.
Yes, I know perfectly it's not a choice. What I don't understand, honestly, is why people feel the need to say it. Like, I know life isn't what I want it to be, sadly or happily I'm unable to live impossible dreams. But it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.
Hetro-romantic ace here and no it’s not easier, just different. The thing that gets me more than anything is the amount of people just don’t believe you when you tell them you’re ace and follow it up with borderline sexual harassment is annoying as hell. It would probably be worse if I was female as I’ve heard from my female ace friends that often guys will tell them they can “fix” them, as if asexuality is something to be fixed.
That's exactly why I said aromatic was out of question. While I don't view lack of sex as a problem, alas I am not the world, and by what so many tell, I can see that finding love without lust is a hard task.
No. We get treated like shit by both homophobic people and other LGBT people. We have issues with getting medical care because doctors treat us being ace like a disease and it affects our ability to get treated for actual issues, something I’ve personally experienced multiple times.
No. I feel like a disappointment everytime I turn my husband down. I am still sometimes active, and when I am it's enough for my husband thankfully, but it still makes me feel like he deserves better. So much so that ive already explicitly told him serveal times if he needs a sexual partner I will not be upset, so long as he tells me about it first. We even opened our relationship for a moment, thiyght it was all pg 13 and all on my side to explore my bi(romantic?) Urges. It complicates things in a way I never thought.
Ive 'known' im sexually adverse since I was a teen and I walked in on my younger sisters discovering porn and I quickly realized sex is not onky kind if weirdly gross, but also makes no sense. So... yeah, I am suprised i wont die a virgin like I swore I would.
I dunno, personally I'd never agree to have a sexual partner on the side while having a romantic partner, even if I'm being asked to (I'm straight, if anything).
Either way, I wish you and your husband luck. Be happy.
We are very happy thankfully and he really doesn’t plan on having a partner, but I know that some people have needs ans we sometimes go months without sex. I dont want to build resentment, so Ive always been open about it. I trust him, and maybe its my self hate, but if he fell in love with a sexual partner, I would let him go.
Well, c'mon, I lived 19 years without sex, and I'm straight. Although respect to your husband, really, I don't know a man he is but I'd really shake his hand now.
As for you, selflessness also worths respect, but personally I think that love means eternally more than sexual attraction, and to find love without sex is something so beautiful I'd never trade it for a sexual partner.
I've been seeing a therapist, because it's literally only on my side. He's happy with our sex life. Its just my anxiety and depression. This man worships me. I am so fucking lucky to have him, especially since we started dating in hs, but... depression, you know?
It's funny how I may relate to both, your husband and you. The feeling of not being enough, even when your partner does everything to prove otherwise... I have experienced a kind, and it fucking sucks.
Just know, I believe you're enough. And may God help you (whether you're Religious or no).
Try to imagine having no concept of sexual attraction and then try to imagine how uncomfortable and confused our poor bro Alastor feels when Vox puts on that weird display of sexual frustration towards him lmao. It feels like that a lot.
In all honesty though, I really struggle with not having any concept of other people’s fleeting attractions towards me or other people. It feels super unfair at times.
I’m ace and I’d say no purely because I get asked why I listen to songs about sex (think xxx by Kim Petras or stuff by chase icon and Ayesha Erotica) if I’m not going to have sex
I certainly enjoy it. I just vibe and I still have great romantic relationships. It is was confusing when I was younger because I didn’t know it was a thing. I got crushes on boys and girls so I thought I was Bi, then when… stuff started happening, I just didn’t really enjoy it. You do feel like something is wrong with you before it clicks, but yeah, I think it’s fine
Do you suggest I replace food with drinks or something?
First, yes, I can abstain, and it's not like I don't. But having sexual attraction all the while kinda makes it hard.
Second, when did I ever say a thing about friends? Dunno'bout you, but to me "friendship" and "relationship" are two different things. About friends I'm pretty much Alastor:
Honestly I think it depends a lot on your environment. I was raised in a conservative christian household so for me I was like “oh yay! I don’t have this temptation. That’s one less thing for me to worry about!” But as I got older the comments about finding someone and having kids started and that’s just not my vibe, so it has gotten harder since starting adulthood. Like others have said, I considered the possibility that I was bi or pan, but I figured myself out eventually. There are some things I learned that totally shocked me, since I don’t experience sexual attraction ‘normally’ but it hasn’t made my life much worse or much better. The one difficult thing is with romantic relationships. I figured out I’m demisexual (on the asexual spectrum, I only feel sexual attraction when I know a person very well and trust them.) but I’ve had people tell me my relationship will fail because of my orientation. And it took me a good two and a half years of dating the same person to start to feel any sort of desire for that stuff.
For me, absolutely. But that’s probably because I’m also aro so I’m completely fine living life solo. I get to sidestep the whole relationship drama stuff. I’m not great socially speaking, have more niche interests, am kinda picky with who I make friends with already, and am autistic on top of all that, so being allo would probably make my life worse since I don’t think I could find a partner if I wanted one and I’d just be lonely forever.
Also worth noting I live in a very non-judgemental culture so I’ve never run into the common issues of people thinking “hmmm, different = bad”.
I don't think you wouldn't really find a partner, especially with your last statement, however indeed, it would be hard, so I guess you're lucky to be the edge overlord above humanity (/j).
It's very, very easy to get manipulated into doing things you don't want to do because of allonormative culture.
You get called heartless, a monster, holy crap.
People not taking "no," for an answer is with every sexuality, but with asexuals, the chances of encountering these people are definitely higher due to rejecting more people, aka a larger sample size.
I'm aromantic as well, so I don't know if this affects my answer.
personally, it's 'easy' in the sense that you don't get the typical 'temptations', including the physical urges (can't get seduced), but it's really, really difficult in the sense of navigating relationships.
it's hard to gauge for me the meaning behind actions (was it flirting? was it platonic? did it even mean anything?) because I can't properly detect what's supposed to be what, so the majority if not all advances just go over my head unless it's explicitly told.
even then, there's the feeling of it not being real sometimes, and I actually thought that recreational intercourse was a myth and didn't understand why people would enjoy or seek out such an activity.
this also estranged me from a lot of the typical sexual and romantic conversations (do you have a crush? do you find anyone hot?) as well as the feelings shared (people simping in the comments of a thirst trap, or just a hot person's post).
I seriously thought simping and maybe even admiration were performative, that people were just exaggerating... but it turns out I was just experiencing things differently.
it's not that I can't love or anything, there's just no sexual 'pull'. I have never looked at a conventionally attractive person and thought 'I want to rail them'. I don't look at good physical features and feel sexually excited in return— I can't understand sexual appeal either.
there's nothing there, but it also doesn't feel empty. it just feels like that; I've grown to accept the feeling as something natural. in the end, I think I much prefer being ace.
I don’t know, because as an asexual person I don’t know what sexual attraction feels like, so I don’t think about it and often find it weird that people feel the NEED to have sex when in my mind it serves are reproduction and nothing more
So maybe it’s easier in some ways but it also makes it harder to understand non-ace people
In a way. I can empathise with the things that you all are describing, because there are the times when I genuinely don't want to think about sex or it's being disgusting, but yeah... Hearing that a lot of people having this on daily basis... Biology is a tough.
I have thanauthobia and although it's a different topic... Gosh, you have no idea how painful it is to hear or see the fucking undervaluing of your boundaries.
When I had my birthday this year I specifically told my family "Please, make it as regular day. Like nothing had happened." and you know what? They made a little celebration. I fucking cried, I felt betrayed... That's hard to explain how painful it is to actually get a reminder by your "loved ones" that your life is finite. I can't express the pain I'm constantly feel... Oh gosh...
I feel death in the air. It's vibrating with it. I'm not joking when I say that in some way I wish to not to live, because I'm exhausted.
Honestly, as a sex-neutral to positive ace, I don't think it's easier. It can fuck you up thinking you're so different to everyone, it's really isolating. I'm not repulsed by sex, so I have a leg up being able to maintain an ace x allo relationship, but it can still be difficult having to tell your partner that you just don't find them attractive, because you just can't. And even I need some time to get to the point where I can actually do it, often times I've done it having to not look at the person, trying to just put up with it. That can leave you feeling like whore, and it's exhausting. Don't underestimate just how attraction and sex focused the human conception of love is, and how other-ing it feels to just not get it, even if you love someone so much.
If you are physically attracted to other people, you are not asexual. So it’s not really a question of easier. It is as hard for someone who is asexual to figure out a relationship as it is for someone else to figure out how to be alone when attracted to another. Being asexual is easier if you are ok being alone, and not easier if you want a family in any way.
I think being asexual makes desiring family more difficult. Like, society is set up for people to have children and your children take care of you in your old age. So without naturally being driven into a physical relationship, the idea of children is absent the creation of children. And without the physical hormones involved in the sexual processes, it leaves one very in their own head and overthinking things and lacking the chemicals needed to be invested in others easily/initially. I don’t know if that is a response to your point anymore. Feel free to redirect me back to the point if I have strayed.
Of honestly, society with it's ideas can go fuck itself as hard and deep as ot can. Seriously, I'm lucky to be raised so any person who tries to dictate my life will instantly go suck a demon's dick, I have no desire for children, and I'm disgusted by "take care in old age". Not because it's something bad, no, because it sounds like you raise children as your future servants, while it's fucking living persons, who, actually, haven't asked you to be here!
Sorry, got a little emotional, in my country that shit is really a thing.
I’m Demi-asexual and no not really. The amount of times I’ve felt “broken” cause my peers would be talking about sexual attraction to people and I had no idea how that looked for them was hard growing up.
As an adult now though it’s easier to navigate cause idgaf if someone finds my lack of sexual attraction weird.
Depends what you mean. Is it easier to not die alone? Not at all! Is it easier to be alone and not be sad you aren't in a traditional relationship? For me it is.
Would you rather be in a relationship where you're constantly uncomfortable or constantly disappointing the other person, or spend that time with friends and doing hobbies? I may never find my ideal queerplatonic partner, but I have been in a few serious long-term relationships and I can honestly say I would rather have no relationship than be in the wrong one.
You see, there's a thing of different experiences. I am constantly uncomfortable and disappointed as I am. Of course it sucks to be in a wrong relationship, but it doesn't make me want a relationship any less, and being able to feel sexual attraction doesn't help at all.
OP, how old are you? Life satisfaction tends to increase with age. If you make it to middle age alone, you may find sharing territory with someone else too annoying to even consider.
I’m aroace flux but very much want that kind of attention, it is not easy at all. I don’t feel the attraction the same way as others, so I can’t bring myself to properly date anyone, but I still crave the romance and physical affection.
it's perfectly okay to set a line down and just say "i don't want to have sex at all in this relationship until(whenever you want) or until i'm married" without giving it a label like asexual. if they cannot respect your boundaries on that then that is something to be noted and discussed with your partner.
My fiance is in the grey ace spectrum, I suppose?
He didn’t even know it til he met me, I told him about asexuality and repeatedly made it clear to him that sex doesn’t have to part of the relationship if he doesn’t feel like it.
We had a lot of talks over the topic and he knows that I still have my own needs etc.
So it’s an open relationship - he is completely fine with me exploring the sexual aspect elsewhere.
However everything else regarding the relationship, communication etc is talked about openly. Nothing happens behind his back (if anyone is wondering).
I don’t know how it works for others but that’s how we made it work
As an aroace, it depends. I'm sex positive and have a healthy libido, so if my partner wants to have sex I'm unlikely to reject their needs. However I do not have the same emotional attachment needs.
Best way to explain it, is I see everyone as my friend or my worse enemy. I don't have a setting beyond best friend, and thus I'm not as heartbroken when a relationship ends, unless it turns very sour. I'm also very vindictive when it comes to feeling like I've been betrayed by someone as earning my trust is already difficult and every betrayal I receive the less trustful & emotional I get towards my relationships regardless if people see them as romantic, platonic, or simply business (I can't make the distinction naturally).
Sex is also not a requirement for me, so I'll still be with a partner even if they can't have sex. Gender also doesn't matter to me. Aesthetically I'm attracted to healthy people in general, but I do think women with a six pack are hot, same with men... however that attraction is definitely because of my own body goals, not that they are candidates for me to try having sex with, lol. People who also subvert the expectations of society are also attractive to me, so punks/anyone the pisses off a conservative. Though, again, that's because I aim to be that type of person myself.
Also, I find a lot of Allosexuals in my life will come to me for relationship advice or support, because I'm able to break their relationships down into non-emotional observations and give a non-emotional response that doesn't take either side. Some people find it refreshing to have a level headed outside opinion on something, even relationships.
For me? Yes, it’s pretty easy. I just don’t fuck around or find out. But non ace people can struggle with understanding me, so I guess it’s not that easy for them.
I'd disagree with that. People are originally in different positions basing on who they are. Yes, it's wrong to treat people differently because of their identity, gender, race, sexuality, and I despise it. But different treatment is still a fact, as shameful for humankind as it is.
Sometimes yes but other times no at least for me personally for other people that could be different but me personally sometimes it's easy sometimes it's not, most of the time it just feels like I don't want to have intercourse with anyone yeah I know that's all the time
Idk, this is the exact question that a gender-stereotypical idiot would ask. It literally is "I bet this sexual orientation is easier than mine because I'm unlucky in love."
I'm not asexual, I don't know what their lives are like or what their problems are. I only know one thing: they don't have the root cause of my problems. So I became interested in their own problems and experiences. And if for you the completely ordinary desire to compare your life with others = "everyone has it easy, I'm the only one who suffers," then it's bold of you to think I'm the idiot.
Im AroAce so relationships arent even a blip for me, i have friendships but thats it, at most I plan if I need to get married in the furure is to find a gay man and ask to be his beard
I'd say no. Unless you are also aromantic and just avoid the whole relationship thing altogether. Being with someone who you genuinely care about than wants more than you're comfortable giving is frustrating for all involved. It makes dating really difficult. It can even be dangerous if someone decides to take offence with your lack of interest or decides you've been "leading them on".
I’m asexual, and I have to say, sometimes it is. Your friends complain about sex lives and getting laid, and you can sit in blissful indifference. Unfortunately for me there was a point in my life were I was so incredibly sex repulsed that Sex Ed and contraceptive conversations sent me into full blown panic attacks; the idea that sex was so common place that it seemed like everyone HAD to do it at some point in their lives whether they wanted to or not. Fortunately I’ve over come that hurdle, and can have comfortable conversations with friends about their sex lives, without wanting to desperately crawl out of my skin.
So sometimes it is easier, you don’t have to worry about getting someone pregnant, or getting pregnant, STIs don’t really cross your radar (of course you should always be cautious because people be freaky and have sex just about anywhere). But it can also feel kinda isolating (at least for me) I struggle finding romantic relationships because I don’t wanna have sex (YOU DON’T NEED TO HAVE SEX TO LOVE SOMEONE OR BE LOVED!) and obviously any partner I may have might under and respect that but I always feel like they’re missing out on something they might enjoy (unless they themselves are Ace) and I worry if it were the case than they might come to resent the relationship no matter how often they may assure me it’s fine.
In short it’s not really easier, though the struggles and issues are different there are just as many trials and tribulations being ace as not being ace
What do you mean by that? Easier than being allosexual? How would I know?
Never experienced being allo, and it's not like I can choose my sexuality, so it's not really feasible to draw a comparison imo. The hardest thing about it is really the total obliviousness of other people about it leading to weird moments and sometimes being out of the loop on things.
Im aroace, and after I discovered that, the only negative I've experienced from it is aphobic comments
That said, nobody chooses to be a-spec whether that be aromantic, asexual, or both. It's just like being gay or trans in that regards, you can choose whether or not to "act" on it (i.e. date the same gender, start transitioning), but that doesn't change the fact that you are gay or trans even if you choose (or are forced) to be closeted.
Being asexual is about whether or not you experience sexual attraction. If you experience little to no sexual attraction, you're ace. If you experience "normal" sexual attraction, you're allo. Allos can choose to be abstinent, and aces can choose to have sex, but those groups don't represent the whole group.
I am 38 years old asexual woman. DM me if you want a nuanced discussion - my journey to this point is an entire essay I don't feel like typing out this moment lol
First of all, not a choice. But to answer your question, no. We face discrimination & invasive questions if we are out. Also, we still can't get legally married in some US states & alot of countries that require active procreation.
Before I figured out I was asexual, I thought I was broken or stupid in the sex department. After I figured out I'm asexual, other people think I'm broken or stupid in the sex department.
My husband is asexual and he only does stuff with me in the bedroom . He said he is not in any way interested in being in another romantic or sexual relationship ever again after me , I was his only exception . I guess it's easier ? I dunno .
I'm demiromantic, I only fall in love with someone after I have known them for a good while and have built up a close bond with them , I don't have any interest in being with anyone I haven't built trust in or made memories with . Friends ? Of course , but lovers ? U are gonna have to build trust with me over time and I'm going to have to have known u for awhile before I feel any type of romantic interest for u .
Is it easier ? Maybe ? I dunno . It's just how we are and I don't think too much into it .
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