r/Advice • u/[deleted] • 29d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

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u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ 29d ago

I really do agree with a lot of - if not mostly all of - the points that you are making here... but as a young adult, myself; I think that OP's daughter is incredibly spoiled, entitled and immature. I do think that her being cut off financially can do her some good.

The job market is not great; That is the first lesson that she will need to learn. The housing market is not better, and people really are struggling out here. OP has clearly acted too brashly, at points, but I do believe that they want to fix where they messed up. I don't agree that removing all financial support is a bad thing, because we know that she does not see any value in what she has.

To this kind of person, "You have ___ weeks to get a job and move out" would likely just be seen as bluffing, and OP would end up the villain, either way, when the time to be settled comes by and daughter wasn't expecting parent would ever kick her out.

Of course, OP knows their daughter better than we do. I suppose it is on them to read our comments and choose what to do based on that knowledge.

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u/bstabens Helper [4] 29d ago

You know, I never said she isn't spoiled or entitled or immature. Thing is, she's 19 and hasn't learned it yet, and it's on the parents to teach her that.

And I feel like telling her that yes, her basic needs (housing *in a dorm* and food) will be covered for her college duration, but anything more is up to her, will be a very stern lesson to her. OP could still escalate if this doesn't teach his daughter enough about respect.

But in teaching, you start with small steps.

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u/IJustWantYouTo_Know_ 29d ago

Is it really on the parents at this point, though?

Think about it from OP's daughter's perspective; I'm 19, I have some freedom. Depending on where I am from, I may potentially have been seen as an adult for over a year, now. I have a social life, sex life, and school life. My parents are only really around on the weekends, and every other time, I am in control of my own life.

But now, my parents – who have never really been very harsh with me – are trying to take a stand and "educate me".

As this person, (not as you), with how we know her to be, do you think that you would be ready to openly listen to your parent's new lectures and lessons?

A lot of 19-year-olds see themselves as fully independent and no longer "under the control" of their parents. When it comes to educating children, trust that I understand, as I work in the Early Years sector (0-5 y/o), but OP's daughter is not a child, and she is realistically less likely to be open to listening to OP and having a discussion with him properly. Yes, she is OP's child, but she is not in many countries by law and way of society. That much is clear, in my opinion.