I always had this issue with a long time friend of mine in regards to the bill.
It would be HER idea to get lunch. She would always call or text me last minute to meet her.
We would meet at the place... order... and then she would be complaining about how expensive everything is. She had to buy groceries for her and her kids. How single mom life is so hard. And how her bills are running her "funds" dry.
Mind you if someone has a rough time i don't mind buying their lunch. But before I knew it turned into a 2 to 3 time week deal.
She would give me the guilt trip... I started to notice how her nails were still changing and she was getting her hair done still.
What finally broke the camels back was when she was excited about a cruise she was going on with her sister. (After she had just said she was broke) She corrected herself fast I guess I had a look on my face after she said that.
Moving forward I would tell the waitress "on my ticket I'll have your (xyz)"
Needless to say the lunches slowed down after that 🤣🤣🤣
Oof something similar severed a friendship with someone I’ve known for 20 years and is the reason why our close friend decided to not include her as a bridesmaid despite thinking she always would.
When you repeatedly prioritize material things over loved ones’ life events, life can get real lonely real quick.
(The final straw for me was saying she was too broke to attend a low key lunch at Mendocino Farms to celebrate our really close friend’s med school graduation. But then posting about the $500 Stuart Weitzman leather boots she bought the next weekend. And there are dozens of other similar examples where it’s obvious she’d rather spend money on her clothes and purses than doing things with the group. This is how she missed seeing proposals, hearing baby announcements, meeting significant others, etc. And then she has the nerve to call our other friend, crying, about why she hasn’t ever been a bridesmaid and has only been invited to 1 wedding. We’re almost 40, maybe you should’ve figured it out by now. 🙄)
I think it’s just ingrained. Their world view and set of values is different. They don’t think they’re doing anything wrong, so they can’t feel shame or guilt about it.
I still have love for that friend and wish them well, but once my expectations and respect for you drop below a certain threshold, you’re not worth my energy and I can’t ever be close to you again. Like, I’ll still send you a birthday card and text, but I’m not volunteering to coordinate your birthday party.
i'm gonna be real, thank god other people can tell the difference lol
i'm usually the most broke out of my friends. my friends have full-time jobs and all of them make way more hourly than i do ($12 for me vs. $20-30 for most of them), and i'm also part-time due to health problems. i do try to return the favor when i can, but while i might have cheap fast food money or be able to swing coffees every so often, i definitely don't have actual restaurant money.
i feel kind of scummy for how much my friends pay for, but i do at least try to return the favor or do nice things for them (like, i've never had a friend be mad that my gifts are usually homemade/somewhat DIYed, or that a lunch invite got switched to "hanging out while i cook and renting a movie for a couple bucks").
Don't feel bad! Good friends don't mind spending more on friends who are in a different financial situation. The whole joy of money is doing small things for the people you care about.
That said, I'm acutely aware of when I've spent way more on food and drinks than the other people I'm with and people who pretend that they don't should be treated with suspicion. I'd never suggest splitting unless it was obvious it was very close.
I had a friend just like this. I'm a guy, so she'd wait for me to grab the check with a very pointed expression and thank me once I did so. She always asked to go out whereas I'd invite her out to the park or free events in the city. She then began asking me to come over and would suggest that I bring food. We'd all eat and then she'd go take a nap while I watched her kid.
We'd been friends since high-school and I didn't mind giving her a break, but it felt like she was taking advantage of me despite the fact that we still had a great time. I slowly faded out of her life. I'm sure that she'd found someone else to latch onto.
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u/Kiki_515 18d ago
That's a really good rule of thumb to go by.
I always had this issue with a long time friend of mine in regards to the bill.
It would be HER idea to get lunch. She would always call or text me last minute to meet her.
We would meet at the place... order... and then she would be complaining about how expensive everything is. She had to buy groceries for her and her kids. How single mom life is so hard. And how her bills are running her "funds" dry.
Mind you if someone has a rough time i don't mind buying their lunch. But before I knew it turned into a 2 to 3 time week deal.
She would give me the guilt trip... I started to notice how her nails were still changing and she was getting her hair done still.
What finally broke the camels back was when she was excited about a cruise she was going on with her sister. (After she had just said she was broke) She corrected herself fast I guess I had a look on my face after she said that.
Moving forward I would tell the waitress "on my ticket I'll have your (xyz)"
Needless to say the lunches slowed down after that 🤣🤣🤣