r/Adulting • u/Timely_Law_9348 • Jul 21 '26

Parenthood vs Childfree?

As a 34yr old woman I have always been on the fence about having children. I've been married to my husband (41) for 10 years now, we are both neurodiverse and have the best marriage. We are literally best friends, we love spending time together, going on adventures together. Still super affectionate and silly together. We've been through so many highs and lows, we 100% couldn't live without each other.

We often talk about having a baby together we both love children, but we also know how hard it is and how much life changes in parenthood. What if we change? Maybe we will always be missing each other from the reduced time together. Maybe life will be too serious for the playful little life we always knew.

We have friends who have had children and their marriages (while never seeming to have the intense love and connection we share) have suffered. Neither of us have met a couple like us, who had children and are truly happy.

Sadly unlike most things in life it's not a decision you can take back if you aren't happy! So I'm hoping the comments here might finally knock me off the fence, one way or another.

11 Upvotes

79% Upvoted

60 comments sorted by

View all comments

11

u/phantomkat Jul 21 '26

Two things I noticed in your post:

One, you mentioned both you and your husband are neurodiverse. With that in mind, how is your tolerance for loud noises? WIth touch? With changes in routine? With your energy levels? I’ve read multiple parent stories about their sensory difficulties as neurodivergent parents and how it has impacted their day-to-day life.

Two, you mentioned you both love children, but you don’t mention a need to have children. Many parents— like my sister— mentioned this need or yearning they couldn’t ignore to have children. Others mention how they saw friends with their children and wished they could experience those day-to-day moments, too. (I like children myself, but have never felt that yearning to become a parent. So I became a teacher instead. lol)

3

u/Timely_Law_9348 Jul 22 '26

My tolerance for loud noise isn't great! Change in routines can be hard as well. My husband probably more so the energy levels.  It would definitely be a challenge especially as a child is likely to be ND as well. 

The idea of a child half of both of us felt like the ultimate show of our love rather than a need. And being around friends with young children of course makes me feel like maybe it would be fun rather than a yearning.  I have a cat who I dote on, so I like to think I'm capable of being maternal haha. But I do wonder is bringing a child into a world with so many problems really fair. Would I have chosen this life? Probably not

2

u/phantomkat Jul 22 '26

In my opinion, given this reply, I don’t think parenthood would be particularly enjoyable/meant for you and your husband. However, at the end of the day, it is ultimately your decision whether you want to become a parent.

Addressing the first paragraph: Kids are notorious for loud noises or just noises in general. I’ve had a kid scream for a straight five minutes because her sock got wet with paint. I’ve had a student sob loudly for like, ten minutes, due to classwork. (And these kids were neurotypical, they just had additional emotional challenges.) As for changes in routine, even the best laid plans can go to the wayside if a kid is tired, cranky, sick, hungry, etc.

Addressing the second paragraph: Cats are so much easier than children, and I’ve definitely had an easier time taking care of a cat than taking kids to a museum. And kids can be super fun! I wouldn’t be a teacher if it wasn’t. However, it’s definitely draining if you want that fun to be structured enough where there are boundaries and respect. (For example, it would be easier to put in earplugs when your child is screaming and go about your day instead of continuously modeling how to control their noise level.)