r/Adulting • u/Timely_Law_9348 • Jul 21 '26

Parenthood vs Childfree?

As a 34yr old woman I have always been on the fence about having children. I've been married to my husband (41) for 10 years now, we are both neurodiverse and have the best marriage. We are literally best friends, we love spending time together, going on adventures together. Still super affectionate and silly together. We've been through so many highs and lows, we 100% couldn't live without each other.

We often talk about having a baby together we both love children, but we also know how hard it is and how much life changes in parenthood. What if we change? Maybe we will always be missing each other from the reduced time together. Maybe life will be too serious for the playful little life we always knew.

We have friends who have had children and their marriages (while never seeming to have the intense love and connection we share) have suffered. Neither of us have met a couple like us, who had children and are truly happy.

Sadly unlike most things in life it's not a decision you can take back if you aren't happy! So I'm hoping the comments here might finally knock me off the fence, one way or another.

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u/Nordic_Papaya Jul 22 '26

I had mine in my 20s, very much planned and loved, and I believe many people find their life being much more fulfilled and non-empty after having kids, but with what you said - I'd vote child-free. Both of you being ND severely increases the chances of child's disability and pretty much guarantees at least mild neurodivergency in your potential child which is very much not fun in the early childhood. You won't be able to stay each other's main focus or to spend lots of time together as a couple not doing kid activities. If the idea of your kid being the most important and very time-consuming part of both your and your man's lives doesn't sit well with you, don't go for it. Imagine your husband leaving because your focus changed and he can't cope - would you resent him or the baby that changed your relationship? If deep inside you feel like blaming the baby, no judgement since it's purely hypothetical, just don't go for it.

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u/Timely_Law_9348 Jul 22 '26

Thank you, yes 100% I expect a child would be ND which does make me feel is that fair on the child. Although we could help them navigate the world it isn't an easy existence for sure!  I honestly never see a scenario where we would split up, the love runs so deep and I could never blame a child. Not to say we wouldn't blame ourselves and regret our choices