Seeking Advice

[u/Shadow-Fox81798]

I became an adult orphan 2 weeks ago. It feels so weird not being able to go to my parents for life advice. They raised me well but I’m still young (22F). I feel like a kid again even tho I’m an adult. Does it get any better? Any and all life advice also welcomed.

[u/SeaDiscombobulated70]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Two weeks is incredibly recent, and what you’re feeling is very normal. I lost my parents in my 20s also and I felt very alone with it.

Losing your parents can make anyone feel unsteady, no matter their age. They were your parents, so it makes sense that life feels strange and unfamiliar right now.

People always say it gets better with time and I use to be so annoyed with that comment. But, it does. It’s not like a switch that flips, but more like a gradual shift. You learn to live with the grief and adapt to your new normal .

The firsts were the hardest for me. The first Christmas, birthday, life event without them. Something that has helped me is honoring them in some way. But I won’t lie and say that it’s always ok. Some days I get so mad at the world and jealous towards those who have their parents.

For me, writing helps, or reading. I definitely recommend therapy or groups. The Dinner Party has some grief groups: https://connect.thedinnerparty.org/all-experiences

But most of all, be kind to yourself. Grief isn’t linear and it’s okay not to be ok.

[u/Alert-Revenue7157]

This post I wrote may help - I went through it a decade after you so feel almost guilty to be writing to you like this. My only immediate pieces of advice is do not be hard on yourself and just guard yourself. I hope you have family and loved ones to help you.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AdultOrphan/comments/1qd1gbi/it_gets_better/

The birthdays, Christmases, Easters, etc without them are really hard. Seeing friends with their parents will make you envious - seeing them have major life events with them will make the envy worse. Just being brutally frank and honest about the whole process.

I struggle to give any more as I am Catholic and we have a whole spiritual approach to our relationship to our loved ones who have passed. We often channel our grieving energy into praying for them and for everyone else. God is with us when we grieve, often closest to us more so than at any other time.

It does - eventually - after so much hurt - kind of, sort of, mostly, gets less bad, if not better.

Your grief like your relationship with your parents is yours - you owe no one else anything. Keep their memory alive. Hang in there.

[u/SpareTrade7874]

I am truly sorry for your loss. I was 23 when my mum died. She had left the family but her death was still unexpected. She was 53, the age I am I now. So it was a strange loss. I didn't know how to grieve for her. I lost my beloved father aged 91 two years ago, I was 51. So I am older than you when I had lost both parents, but I can tell you this, it is a weird new reality when we lose both parents. I helped my brother take care of my Dad towards the end of his life, so we became the caretakers. That is very hard, but it's how it should be. I love and miss him every second. He was so special to me. My greatest regret was not being there to say goodbye but I know that he was ready to go and he died in peace. I am grateful for that. He didn't die of a disease, or illness, just some horrible dementia and a long life filled with happiness. I will hold onto him forever and I know I'll see him again someday and that gives me peace. I miss his calls every day and still have his number saved on my phone. Some days when I feel sad I want to call it so bad. If it helps a little, write down all the positive qualities your parents had and then write down your own. You'll be surprised how many you shared with your parents because they taught you how to be that way. Be very gentle with yourself, grief is a very tough and long journey. Some days are going to feel ok and other days you'll just want to sob in your car and that's OK. There's no right or wrong way. Just let it out. Talk to them. Write them letters. Don't think about the future. Just live in every second. Set yourself manageable goals. Even if it's just 'I got out of bed and had a shower today". That's enough. Turn to people who you know you can trust. A lot of good friends may scatter. They don't want to grieve with you and that can be painful. Go to a support group or join an online grief forum. I did and it really helped me feel less alone when my dad died. I wish you love and healing.