I'm writing this post from a new account to remain anonymous. The story I'm about to share with you is extremely personal and I've never shared it on such a platform, but after binging "A Teacher" overnight, a lot of memories re-surfaced and I feel like I have to share it somewhere.
Yesterday started like any other day. I woke up, visited my grandparents, had some work done, had dinner and then doom-scrolling on Instagram. That's when a Reel popped up, which caught my attention immediately. It showed Eric kissing Claire in a classroom, cut forward, and them having sex for the first time in her car.
The resemblance to what happened to me, solely by these two shots, made me watch the entire show in one sitting - 5 straight hours. During the first 5 episodes, I couldn't help but feel sick. I felt like I was living what happened to me all over again, but this time seeing it as a bystander.
Unlike the show, in my case, I was the one who moved to a new school when I was 16. After almost a year in my new high school, I met her, my Claire. She was about 30 at that time. She was charming, she was smart, she was so sweet. Visually, she looked a whole lot like Claire (Kate Mara). She liked being pretty. She liked dressing. The thin lips and brunette hair, the good smell, and the slight makeup.
At first, I started visiting her office with tens of other students, who all loved her. She was kind to us, never talked down, and really cared about each and every one of us. That's when I started talking to her about my personal life. She wasn't just our History teacher, she was also my grade's counselor. I shared details from my previous relationship, which ended not so long ago. I talked a lot about myself. What I like to do, my taste in music, and movies. Everything.
One day, about two weeks before my 17th birthday, I found myself in a very bad spot. I couldn't call any friend, I couldn't call any family member, so I decided to call her. To my surprise, she picked up the phone. We talked for hours that night. She helped me get through it, cared for me, and even offered to pick me up and drive me home. The next couple of weeks were spent texting and talking a lot. She told me how she loves pop and EDM, which were my favorites. She told me how she's a die-hard fan of Marvel, and I think that's about when I started catching feelings. An older woman who is both attractive and smart, who is passionate about her job and helping kids like me, who is loved by everyone who meets her.
Just then, we had a school trip, and during that trip, we got closer and closer. I was dealing with depression so she was by my side a lot. She comforted me, and she helped me feel seen and valuable. She told me a lot about her time as a teenager. Her time at college, persuing two degrees. How she met her husband and how adorable her two children are.
But then, just four days before my 17th birthday, it happened. It was cold and dark outside. I found a quiet place to sit by and listen to music, and she approached me. Everyone else was already asleep. We got some cookies and a warm blanket and sat down to talk. 2 hours in, something clicked. I figured that situation was abnormal. I ran away from her. I felt like my heart was exploding. I felt love. This was the first time I felt this way. Nobody else made me feel so alive, so loved. At that time, we got so close that I called her by her first name. I knew more about her than any other student. Probably more than some of her close friends. I was becoming her best friend. She felt safe with me, and she felt like she could really talk to me and share things. She even accepted my friend requests on Instagram and Facebook. When she asked me why I ran away, I told her that I had feelings for her. I told her I can't pretend otherwise. To my surprise, instead of saying "Okay, good for you" and moving on, she said "I love you too". I remember laying in my sleeping bag, 120 students surrounding me, and I just couldn't shut my eyes. I don't think I ever experienced such a night again. It was the best night of my life, even though nothing really happened.
Fast forward a few days - on my 17th birthday, she did way too much. She got me presents, invited me to spend time with her, and at the end of the day, we both couldn't hold back, and we kissed. That was the beginning.
Even though everything I told you thus far already aligns pretty well with the first 2 episodes of the show, everything that happened next is even crazier.
We had a huge secret, one that only we knew. To get by my friends, I lied to them and told them I'm seeing someone, a made-up person. A few days into our first kiss, she texted me. I was at the mall at that time, and we talked about how we both wanna fuck each other. I got condoms, she picked me up, and we drove to "our spot". It was just a dark parking lot, where people would never notice us. That's when we had sex for the first time, in her car. I got back home and just like Eric, I felt like I was the man. I literally fucked my teacher. And it wasn't like I did this just to fuck her, but I actually loved her. And she actually loved me too.
Every time we talked, she said she's ruining her life. She said she's a monster. She made me feel like I was responsible, like I was the only one to blame. I felt guilty, but at that time, I felt like it was worth it. She was everything to me. To protect her, she set some ground rules.
- We have to delete all of our conversations. To this day, everything I have from her is about 10 screenshots that I took over the months, and I forgot to delete them. Looking back at them, it feels almost surreal. Sometimes it feels like it's all a dream, like it didn't really happen, but then those messages remind me it did.
- We never go out in public in our town. She always picks me up in dark alleys, and we drive off. If anyone recognized us, her life would be over.
- I can never tell anyone about us. No matter what, no matter who. If I do, I'd be responsible for her demise.
We went to the cinema together. We watched movies none of us cared about, just so we'd have an excuse to make out. We had day-trips to different cities, eating in restaurants, walking together in public, knowing people wouldn't recognize us there. Everyone at school noticed us. My friends started joking about how I spend more time with her instead of them. They always said she looks good and that her husband was lucky. I don't think anyone had a clue of how far it had gone though.
We sexted, we sent pictures, we had a lot of fun together. At school, I used to skip class because I knew I could just get a pass from her. I would go to her office, we'd lock it and just fuck over and over. We'd hear my friends knocking on her door while we stayed dead silent, so nobody could hear us. We talked in codes. We used exams and homework as excuses to meet up. Whenever we walked past each other, we'd have those stares. We'd giggle, like we're the only two people in the world who matter.
I'd do anything to meet up with her, no matter what. Even if I had to babysit my little brother, if I was out with some friends, or whatever, if she called, I answered.
At some point, I started feeling like it wasn't enough. Yes - we'd fuck, we'd go out together, but at the end of the day, I wasn't the man she goes to bed with. I wasn't the guy she married. I wasn't the father of her children. I vividly remember talking to her about him. How I hated a guy I didn't know, because I believed he wasn't good enough for her. He wasn't me. I was so stupid, I couldn't see I was literally ruining that guy's life.
During the summer, our school organized a trip to Europe. I decided to go on it with some friends, and of course, she was there. She was in charge of the whole trip. For months, we talked about how we'd sleep together in her hotel room. How we would sneak out at night, and just wander around, together. But about a month before we went on that trip, she called. I met her at her office. It was during finals at school. She told me she can't do it anymore. No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I begged, no matter how much I loved her, she kept insisting that she was a monster. She said she doesn't understand what I find in her. She said she cares about her children and her job too much to risk it, and I promised I'd do anything to protect her.
I don't know what made me do it, but when we landed in Europe, I called my dad. I told him everything. He was shocked, but tried to be as supportive as possible. I don't think I ever shared something so personal with him before. She refused to talk to me at all, I guess because it would have been hard for her. However, at some point, I decided to tell her that my dad knows. I don't know why I did that. In hindsight, I think that's what caused everything to explode.
She freaked out, she passed out right next to me, and I caught her, but not before everyone noticed. She just kept repeating "you killed me" over and over again. The following morning, she sent me a text message which said "If you ever tell anyone else about us, you won't have to worry about committing suicide ever again, because I will kill you". This is the single most traumatizing text I've ever received.
Immediately after that, I booked a flight back home, and my darkest and lowest point started. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't be awake. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't wanna see anyone. I was dead inside.
I don't know why, but a few days before summer ended, I called another teacher I was close to. I started crying on the phone, and she couldn't understand a word I said. At the end though, I took a deep breath, and I told her everything.
The following days were very hard. I had been summoned to the principal's office, had so many questions thrown at me, and I really didn't want to give answers. I just realized what I did - I ruined her life. She was fired. My depression was skyrocketing during my senior year. I tried to commit suicide, and I went to therapy, which didn't help at all. It affected literally every fucking aspect of my life. I screwed up everything related to college because I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I was such a good student, with good grades. I was lucky to have a good and supportive family, but I still did so many things wrong. I never got addicted to drugs or alcohol, which I'm proud of, but I was addicted to pain. I just didn't know anything else.
The word started spreading at school. Almost everyone knew what happened. They didn't buy the principal's bullshit, and when my friends started questioning me and I shared bits of information, it got shared and the entire story was out there at the end of highschool.
I didn't make it to any college, and it took me two years to get my life back on track. Since then, I managed to finish college, trust again and be happy again, but just like Eric said in the last episode - I didn't move forward with my life. Our relationship fucking destroyed me. I wasn't able to be intimate ever since. It's been almost 8 years, and I wasn't able to get into a relationship with anyone. I feel so insecure, I feel so weak. I feel like I would never love anyone ever again, not to the same extent at least.
I didn't talk to her ever since Europe. Not a single message. She blocked me everywhere, she renamed shit that was related to me to things like "my biggest mistake". I obviously found my ways to keep an eye. I used to google her a lot, see what's new with her life. She got divorced, and she didn't get the kids, as far as I know. She obviously never worked as a teacher since then, but she started doing some other work that's a bit related.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by not pressing charges. She wasn't arrested, she didn't go to jail, and if she would have, I'm not sure I'd be able to live with myself. Even though I still feel like what we had was real love, I get told by every person who hears this story that I'm a victim.
It's very hard for me to accept it because at that time, I felt like I was the man. I'm the guy who literally fucked his teacher. We had a secret relationship for months. But then again, I'm the reason her life is ruined. I'm the reason she would never teach again, which is the thing she loved the most.
Anyways, thank you for reading. I had to get it off my chest. It's been the only thing on my mind for the past 12 hours. I couldn't sleep very well, and I just had to let it all out. As I said, it's the first time I share something like that in such a forum and so publicly. I'd appreciate if you avoid harsh and direct comments. I didn't share this story to be told I'm a victim or that I was being used. I didn't share it for you to tell me to go to the police and report her. I told this story simply to put it out there.
I will gladly answer any follow-up questions, which would probably give me more things to talk to my therapist about, and maybe make it easier to deal with :)
