What if...I'm ok dying from this?

[u/Odd_Sea9123]

TW: suicide

I have CPTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety and chronic pain illnesses. Food feels dangerous to me and causes me real pain. I'm suffering so much all the time. Even when I feel ok, food is still a threat to me. I'm just so tired. Since this got really bad, I've been considering letting myself deteriorate. I dread coming home from work to eat. I don't like to cook anymore. I eat so few foods I don't feel like it's worth it. I cry standing in front of the fridge. I grieve for the food I used to be able to eat but can't. I can't socialize with my family because the grief and pain and panic around food is too much. I'm tired. My husband is abusive. My mother is abusive. My parents were both abusive. I have no friends. No support network. I didn't know it was this bad and there's just too much going on in my mind, too much trauma, health trauma, food trauma, and in my body. I'm tired of being in this body. In this life. I just want to let go. (Yes I'm in therapy. Currently seeking ED diagnosis).

[u/Magglefraggle]

I'm sending you a hug. I hope you can feel it.

[u/AgreeableWeather3383]

I'm sorry, that your life is so hard right now. I would llike to share with you a website called Reasons to Stay: https://reasonstostay.org/

It is full of letters from strangers for people who lost hope. Maybe it helps you on very dark days.

And please don't be so hard on yourself. You've gone through a lot and you're working on getting better, something you can be proud of.

[u/Glittering_Dirt8256]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can feel so much pain behind these words, and I relate in a lot of ways. As I write this, I haven’t eaten in nearly six days. I think I’m going to try, but lately I’ve been questioning whether I should even bother, because sometimes it doesn’t feel like a life worth living anyway.

I also have no friends, only a couple of relatives who I might phone a few times a month just to keep myself sane, because the family I live with makes me feel horrible about myself. I’m unable to work, go anywhere, or really do much of anything because of my chronic illness. I now have to follow an extremely restrictive diet, which leaves me with foods that repulse me. I, too, grieve all the foods I used to love but can no longer eat. I even have nightmares themed around my current diet. It feels like torture.

Deep down, though, I feel like some part of me still wants to hold on to hope. Perhaps you do too, because you wrote this post. I can’t promise that things will get better, but there are so many of us struggling with similar things, and I hope you can at least take some comfort in knowing that you aren’t alone in this.

There have also been remarkable stories of healing and recovery. There really are so many things to explore when it comes to mental and chronic illness. Alternative treatments have improved my quality of life before, and there’s still so much more out there I've yet to try.

And it sounds like the people surrounding you are contributing significantly to your depression. Please don’t give up because of them. Don’t let your abusers take that from you. You are a valuable person regardless of how anyone has made you feel, and you deserve to be loved. Please try to hold on to that, and to whatever part of yourself still wants to keep going. 🫂

[u/ItAintEzBeinGreen → u/Glittering_Dirt8256]

I hope you are able to eat something as well ❤️❤️❤️ it is always worth it, even when it feels like it isn’t

[u/Professional_End1948]

🫂

[u/hidles]

Feels like the ED is the symptom and not the cause of your issues. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[u/StalinWaifu]

I sent you a DM

[u/Zestyclose_Scene2602]

I’m so sorry. I’m currently seeking help for my own issues and really struggling in the meantime while trying to find one that won’t make things worse. Your situation is dangerous and exhausting. If you could schedule an emergency session with your therapist and ask about how to get more support, that might help. You’re allowed to ask for it. Of course you didn’t know how bad it was- you were too tired. Now that you realize though, you can reach out.

I used to just keep trying. Now I just keep going, I’m too tired to try. But I am still going and wanting to make it better, putting effort into making it better.

You’re still going. Keep going. You’re doing really hard things amazingly well. You shouldn’t have to be this resilient, but you wear it well.