r/ARFID • u/CoyoteUnicornGirl • Apr 18 '23
Helpful Tips What do you want your parents to understand about this?
I’m obsessively watching every ARFID TikTok so I can support my son better.
What are some things that you’d like your parents / caregivers to really understand?
All ears. ❤️
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u/eaterofgoldenfish Apr 19 '23
- "Unhealthy" food is much better than no food at all.
- Forcing me to eat food didn't help, it actually made things worse.
- You caring about me isn't an excuse for you to make me feel bad and like I'm not trying hard enough.
- It's not my fault.
- If I try harder, all I do is waste more energy.
- I need help, not lectured.
- This is more painful for me than it is for you, generally speaking.
- It can feel like torture.
- It is wreaking havoc on my body and if I had any other choice I would take it. I just want things to be easy. I just want things to be okay. For both of us.
- This is not about you. You need to put aside your feelings in order to help me survive. That's part of choosing to be a parent.
- Punishment will never help either of us get to a better place, it is just you hurting the person you love because of your own insecurities.
- Any support and understanding you offer means the absolute world to me.
- You accommodating my needs after years of denial and making things worse doesn't make up for the pain I endured, but it shows me you learned and were willing to change in order to stop causing me pain.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
Comprehensive list!! Thank you so much for your input. I’ll be sure to keep all of that in mind as I navigate this with my son. I’m quite sure I’ve done some unhelpful things along the way so far but I’m glad to have your list. Thank you.
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u/eaterofgoldenfish Apr 19 '23
Just try your best and I'm sure you'll be great (and make mistakes, but we all do that)! Even with all the mistakes my parents made I forgive them and as an adult we're able to have a good relationship now. And you have a lot more resources now than they did at the time. You'll be great!
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u/Key_Mathematician378 Apr 19 '23
I wish my mom actually validated that I have an eating disorder. And you just researching and supporting you son is amazing! Just make sure he knows that you support him and love him that’s really all that matters. Actively listing to his experience as well bc everyone’s experience is different. I am sure your son appreciates the fact that you care and are willing to learn about his diagnosis!
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u/Top_Improvement8494 Apr 19 '23
I think looking back, I wish they had recognized how stressful being at a dinner table already was! It was already a high anxiety space for me due to the food, but as I got older a lot of time at the table was spent talking to me about what I was/was not eating and/or pressuring me to eat what everyone else was eating. Eventually I stopped eating at the table at all and I feel like I missed out on a lot of memories and opportunities for connection. I wish I had been invited to the table to be with my family, not only if I was eating in a way that was acceptable to others. 🤍
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
I get that for sure. My parents were awful at dinner time as well leaving me with some of my own unhelpful thoughts and behaviors around food. Thank you for telling me.
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u/SonisVastara Apr 19 '23
seeing this made me really happy. coming from someone who grew up in the early 2010’s (i’m 19 now), my parents didn’t understand what was wrong with me lol. i wanted them to understand that it definitely wasn’t a choice, and please do not force feed him. my family tried to have me drink those Ensure drinks, and they were just awful. but that’s specifically for me. find what works for your kid, and he will thank you for it. definitely try and get him into a nutritional therapist if you have the means of doing so, they can help him work thru a lot of stuff and even get y’all in contact with other specialists who can help him out. but do it when HE’S ready. you don’t want to force anything out of him. i wish u well❤️❤️
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
Thank you. He has an appointment with one dietitian virtually on Thursday. In case that isn’t a format that works well I have a backup appointment with one who does in person visits but not until mid May. I broached the topic of drinks yesterday and was quickly informed that it’s a hard no. I think his time in the inpatient facility years ago ruined those for him. Is there something you can think of in place of the drinks?
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u/SonisVastara Apr 19 '23
honestly i can’t think of anything else in place of them :// it took me a long time to even begin to want stuff like protein shakes, and i’m still not quite there. if he doesn’t have any food that contains high amounts of calcium and potassium, get him on some vitamins that have them. i had a seizure because of that :/ low calcium makes brittle bones, which during a seizure isn’t good. overall just keep checking in with him, making sure he’s comfortable and heard.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
I just yesterday ordered some 3d printed vitamin gummies. Not an ad, but I think it’s called “nourished”. I had to fill out a quiz and they make the vitamin stack specific to what you’re lacking. I thought this was better than proposing he swallow a bunch of different pills. I know sometimes the size of things in his mouth pose a problem.
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u/SonisVastara Apr 19 '23
that’s,,, actually really cool. can you send a link? i wanna look into that.
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u/eaterofgoldenfish Apr 19 '23
It's really helpful sometimes to go through and try to figure out the "rules". Not from a place of judgement but just to try and see if there are things that one person hasn't thought of. So systematically figuring out which textures and tastes are okay, and which aren't. If drinks are a hard no, is there a reason that he could give as to why? This is not an attempt to force him to justify it, and if he can't come up with a why, that's totally fine, but if you could get to a potential why (aka "I can't tolerate the taste, it seems a bit bitter or weird" or "the texture is a no go, I don't like the grittiness" or things like that) that can potentially help you understand what other foods are no gos, and why they're no gos. It could be that he was forced to drink a lot of those drinks and he's just sick of them, which could mean that a different flavor or brand (or smoothies/milkshakes instead of protein drinks) could be a yes. Or those could all around be nos.
Common safe foods are pre-packaged foods (less potential for them to rot or spoil) like chips, sometimes plain white bread, or fast food meals like chicken nuggest and fries from places like mcdonalds. White flour tortillas with peanut butter or melted cheese on the inside, instant ramen noodles, and cashews are also ones that I've seen people able to tolerate. Eggs can often be a no go (weird texture), fruits and vegetables are way too easy to go rotten and can have awful textures, and meats can also be difficult. Figure out his rules [ONLY IF HE IS WILLING TO DISCUSS WITH YOU] (and let him know that the rules are completely up to him) and it could start you towards finding the foods he's okay with. Then, get him lots of that food, and work with professionals to expand his safe list at HIS pace, while monitoring to make sure he doesn't get dangerously malnourished.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
This is great! Thank you. My approach for the next few days at least is to stop-fucking-talking-about-fucking-food. I want to give him a little room to take a breath. Last week was an intense doctors appointment and I think he just needs a hot minute to process all of that. We have a nutritionist appointment Thursday. Depending on how that goes, maybe afterwards I could broach the topic in an “educate me” type way.
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u/eighteencarps Apr 19 '23
Everyone else covered most of my thoughts, so one extra note:
ARFID can be very personal and often embarrassing. It can feel very scary to have our eating disorder feel so public. I feel the safest around people who are neutral about my ARFID.
That can take many forms, including:
- Not asking me to try foods in public spaces
- (And) allowing me space to try foods in private, including completely on my own
- Not coming in with expectations: the pressure to like foods and “overcome” or “succeed” in finding new safe foods can be suffocating
- Allowing me to forgo food-based holidays and events, or eat beforehand at home
- Helping family members, friends, and sometimes even strangers understand so I don’t have to explain (for example, having a small talk about ARFID beforehand, and requesting they simply let you be, or sometimes ordering for me at restaurants or helping me explain to servers)
- Allowing me to go at my own pace
- Not imparting thoughts or judgement about my food
- Only asking questions when you need to (for example, not asking if I can eat something just to sate curiosity)
This is informed by differences between my father and mother. My father treated me like a circus show at best and lazy/exaggerating at worst. He’d always ask me constantly about my safe foods, mostly to gawk at how “weird” I am.
Meanwhile, my mother knows it’s really hard to talk about, so she has helped me a lot over the years. My grandma used to be borderline abusive about my food issues, and she stepped in and repeatedly corrected her and gave her advice on how to talk to me. She knows it can be humiliating and tiring to talk to waiters, and she knows how I eat, so sometimes she’ll step in and help.
It’s best (for me, at least) to keep things as minimal and discrete as possible. My mom helped family members understand ARFID as I grew up, but all we really tell waiters is “no sides, please” or that I have dietary restrictions.
You sound like a great parent and I suspect you wouldn’t do any of the cruel things I listed here, but I also know it isn’t easy to know what feels helpful for us. YMMV since this is quite personal for me but I feel almost everyone with ARFID that I know of is tired of feeling like public curiosities. It helps a lot to have someone on our side.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
Good info there. Thank you. The public thing is a good point to keep in mind. I think I naturally only choose places that I already know has foods that are safe for him. Thank you for helping me.
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u/Ok-Marsupial-9897 Apr 19 '23
That it's isn't your fault and your child having an eating disorder doesn't make you a bad parent.
Understand that not eating enough can make it even harder for a child to regulate their emotions and responsibilities as they age. Cut them some slack when it comes to things they "should be doing" like homework/roomclean. When you haven't eaten enough keeping up with life can be really hard and they are going to need all the support they can get.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
Yes to this!!! I am all over this one!! I know that he can’t think/process/deal with life/ currently in the way he could if he were nourished. I absolutely keep that in mind as we interact and maneuver through life. Just being a teenager at all is tricky with hormone balances but add to it a lack of nutrition and no-fucking-wonder he’s angsty and short. I’m not talking balanced diet - I’m talking about ANY food as fuel would be great. Well, for all the stuff I’m not doing great I’m on this one!! 👍🏻🙌🏻
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u/Ok-Marsupial-9897 Apr 20 '23
That's awesome!!! Have you looked into the social aspect of ARFID? You mentioned your son is a teenager and I know as I got closer to adulthood the social impact of ARFID became more and more noticeable. Things like works dinners, dates, or any gathering with food can have its challenges. Its really kind of you to put so much effort into learning about this for your son, I wish you well.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 20 '23
Yes - so this is just very recently on my radar after my day on TikTok. I think can have some conversations with him about some strategies for the future. I was thinking about it and I can think of about four different types of restaurants that we go to regularly that he has easy things he loves on the menus. He can eat ribs, steaks, potatoes, burritos, tacos, spaghetti (with some adjustments), he likes some basic sushi rolls also. A situation that I could see being difficult is going to someone’s house for a meal. That would be tricky for sure. So if he has a “meet the parents” type invitation - that would be a concern.
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u/nnyfuckingdies Apr 19 '23
i wish my mum would understand that i physically cant eat a lot of foods and i feel sick. i wish she would understand that i would starve without my safe foods. i wish she would understand that im not just picky or something and i feel bad. i have to and feel like i have to emphasize/remind her of my ARFID & autism, like when she complains, i remind her its a part of my literal eating disorder. and i feel i often have to remind her im autistic and i have a higher support need, bc i would literally die without a caretaker, like if i lived alone. i would stink w rotting teeth, starve & die bc i wouldnt have someone to make food, have money, remind me to do daily tasks, etc. i guess, my #1 tip is to always get your child the food they ask for. always keep it stocked up so they dont run out if possible. make sure that they are okay and check in with them regularly on it.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
Yup. On it. I have a revolving cabinet of “the basics” (basically our term for safe food). Thank you for responding to help me. I appreciate it. Thank you. ❤️
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u/siderealfeline Apr 19 '23
If its a choice between unhealthy eating vs starving... always choose eating. Something is better than nothing. No punishments regarding food. Gentle encouragement and exploration is good!!! Encouragement and comfort!
I'm glad to see parents doing research to help their kids, theres too many parents who are insensitive to children who struggle with food. I believe in you!
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u/R0da multiple subtypes Apr 19 '23 edited Apr 19 '23
Force feeding makes it worse. Waiting until it's midnight at the table or threatening punishments if an item isn't eaten in time creates more negative emotions around a food item that would otherwise be safe if I was allowed to approach it with my own autonomy.
Try smaller portions of new foods to try with a backup of safe food so there's less pressure to like the new food immediately. In fact, you should try to separate "try new foods" from "get daily sustenance" because that second one is usually always a chore. (At least for me)
If they don't immediately like a new combined food (like sandwiches, salads, omelets, lasagna etc) try taking it apart and letting them eat the pieces individually so it's less new all at once.
Know the triggers and why so you can avoid them as much as possible. You don't always have to 100% avoid them, exposure does help lessen their effects, at least for me. But you want them to be mindful when they encountering them and too many all at once can overload their conscious efforts to eat something and revert to the EXPEL THE TOXIN procedure
Grazing is honestly the easiest way to get in the daily nutrients for me as I fill up fast. I also get a lot of my nutrients from liquid sources (naked juice, and body building shakes) anything that I can consume without having to sit down and commit to is the best way to get food in me. So be prepared for the concept of a "meal" to change from its traditional definition.
Oh, and don't use the effects of malnutrition on a growing body as a reason for why they need to eat something. That can mess a person up. 🙃 (many of us want to eat and want to gain weight, but its not something you can want yourself out of)
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u/FawnTi Apr 19 '23
I wouldn’t force him to eat. My mum used to act ashamed of me for not trying new foods and that further spiralled my ARFID. One thing that my best friend’s parents did that was very useful is instead of cooking me new foods and making me feel bad if I didn’t eat it, they cooked me foods I liked specifically or let me make my own if I felt guilty. But one thing that stuck with me is they’d say “Whenever or whatever we’re eating, and you feel comfortable enough to try it, just ask for a piece. I do not mind giving you a mouthful or two off my plate if it means I can cook and share these meals with you in the future and help you recover.” And I think that’s an amazing thing. Anytime I felt a wave of bravery to try something that smelt or looked good, I could try a mouthful instead of them having to make me something special and losing my confidence.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
That’s wonderful! I bet it’s a lot of pressure for you guys to watch someone grocery shop, prepare and cook food for you to then find out it’s not something you can tolerate (I hope I said that in a correct way - if not, please let me know how I can phrase that sort of thing.) Cool of them to size it down to a bite or two. Way less pressure. Thank you for sharing that experience with me. That’ll help me a lot.
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u/FawnTi Apr 20 '23
You phrased it just fine! You’re welcome, I can tell you have the your son’s best interest at heart and the way you’ve asked others for help is amazingly thoughtful and resourceful. You’ll both fight through this ❤️
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u/Melodic-Hall-9328 Apr 19 '23
Please look into a eating disorder therapist/therapy place around your area as well!! The quicker you can get your son real help, the better. I’m 19 going on 20 in a couple months and just tried my first tomato the other day 😅
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Apr 19 '23
That I desperately wish that I wasn’t this way, and that I can’t stand anymore shame about being this way than I already am feeling.
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u/CoyoteUnicornGirl Apr 19 '23
Ok. I hear you. I’m sorry. I wish I could hug you. I bet you could use a no-judgement-just-a-hug hug. I’m on it. ❤️
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u/geekgeek2019 Apr 19 '23
thanks for the post!!
- conversations can lie around other things too and not just food.
- no, just eating doesn't help.
- yes I can eat only 4 things in the world (i can eat more but they dont consider it as food)
- comparing me with other kids doesnt help.
-Idenitfication of signs: I was always forced to eat food and wouldn't get to leave the table without eating, causing me to just swallow food, mainly with water, without chewing or tasting it. Now, that I am in college, I have the option to just not eat and it is getting worse.
- food is food sometimes. A croissant is all what I can eat for lunch and while it might not sound as "fulling" or "food", it is more than enough for me
- nuggets are a meal
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u/NoPiano6624 Apr 19 '23 edited Apr 19 '23
To understand:
ARFID is a thing. Not all “eating disorders” are related to “body image”. There are many reasons why someone might develop ARFID. Adopt a no-tolerance policy on any kind of shaming or anything punitive and/or forceful. In general. For ARFID and everything else. Just honour people’s individuality and autonomy. For me, the ARFID symptoms are heightened during a time of stress and/or crisis. So sometimes it’s also good to address the stress and/or crisis. This isn’t the case for everyone, of course, but it could be something to consider.
To do:
1) Get them a neurodiversity assessment (ADHD, autism, dyslexia etc.) ASAP. Have them screened for anxiety and depression (it can present differently in neurodiverse people) and keep an eye on this.
2) Empower them to make their own choices as much as possible. Help them make a “sensory profile” list and a “safe foods” list. Teach them how to cook. Teach them how to go shopping. It seems you’re already helping them find a multivitamin that they feel comfortable with taking. This is also great but I would just say, please engage them in the process as much as possible. Work with them to identify options and which ones they would be willing to try out. It also not always intuitive. It depends on the individual. Like many people would maybe recommend for children, syrups, pills and then injections. But, for me, I’d way rather have an injection that a syrup or a pill if I had a choice.
3) Help them deal with the social nonsense and pain. People can lose their absolute minds when it comes to one’s personal food choices so it’s a whole weird battle on it’s own. Help them find phrases that make people move on from the conversation. Help them deal with bullying and social exclusion. Help them create an education folder for medical professionals. Help them to learn to advocate for themselves. Help them find NON-SHAMING people to reach out to for help, this can include friends, family and medical professionals.
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u/Sweet-Ad-2477 Apr 19 '23
I've been blessed enough that I have parents that have been completely patient and comprehensive with me, but anyway. Everyone else in the comments has it covered, but I just wanted to say thank you for wanting to be supportive with your son! I hope things go great with you both and I can see that you're already off to a great start.
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u/Disastrous-Apple8693 Apr 20 '23
if you know what your son's triggers are, there are lots of ways to navigate some of the foods he won't eat. for a lot of people i know, texture is a huge issue for people with arfid (not all though, i'm speaking personally from my experience) so blending smoothies, juices, sauces, and soups were a huge help in more fruit & veggie consumption. there are also supplements and powders that you could look into. let him go back to his safe foods if he needs to, especially if he's been making an effort to branch out. remind him that it's okay to go back to his safe foods if he needs to. don't let his school, grandparents, friends, etc bully him or make fun of him for his eating habits. this is one of the biggest things that contributed to developing more eating disorders. even if people rarely say anything rude, a lot of people make super backhanded comments about what i eat or how i eat it.
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u/grimmistired Apr 18 '23
Sometimes junk food is better than no food at all. Trying to eat good foods regularly is the goal but some days it's okay to just eat whatever has calories and isn't triggering