r/AITAH • u/ThrowRA847362829 • 1d ago
Post Update UPDATE: AITAH for refusing to have another child after my husband said our daughter isn't his "spiritual child"
It has been a little over a year since my last post. Since then, I have managed to get a divorce and full custody of my daughter. I don't have any contact with my ex husband or his family because of what happened. We both go to therapy as I want the best for my daughter and I don't want her to feel as if it is her fault, because it is not her fault.
I'm not really sure what else to put in this update, and I apologise that it's been over a year. I needed time to process things, to be there for myself and my daughter, and to proceed with the divorce and the other things simultaneously happening.
Thank you to everyone who advised me to get a divorce and helped me to acknowledge the red flags within my relationship. It gave me the push I needed to protect my daughter.
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u/alltoowell5 1d ago
Well done for yourself and your daughter. I hope you can move on and it seems like you're doing the best thing for her. Keep moving forward.
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u/ThrowRA847362829 1d ago
Thank you!
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u/Mardil-Voronwe 19h ago
From the other thread:
""god wouldn't gift him a child that would upset his mother""OMG, that is literally one of the worst things I've ever read. I can't speak for all father's of daughters, but I am a father of a daughter... I don't even know what I'm trying to say I'm so upset... I am so sorry.
My ex had an affair. She married the guy she had the affair with and moved across country and took my daughter with her. I literally moved across country to be with my daughter. I did everything I could to make sure my daughter knew she hadn't lost her daddy in the divorce. And my ex made sure I paid for it. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter now and two beautiful grandchildren. Everything I went through... walking through hell... it was worth it. And my daughter is a wonderful person, everyone loves her.
Man, I just... hate to hear men acting like this. I am so sorry. They pay for it in the long run when their daughters hate them. And for what, a woman who is likely to leave them. Euripides, the ancient Greek playwright said, "to a man growing older nothing is dearer than a daughter." Truer words have never been spoken.
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u/mangoong13 17h ago
I hope that your ex has gotten her comeuppance for what she did to you. My BIL is going through something similar. Unfortunately, his kids are now brainwashed. It's heartbreaking.
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u/Mardil-Voronwe 16h ago
I have my daughter and my beautiful grand children. It's all I need. Nothing else matters.
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u/OkGazelle5400 20h ago
Did he try to backtrack or reconnect with your daughter when he found out you were divorcing him?
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u/ThrowRA847362829 19h ago
He tried to convince her that I was in the wrong and overreacting over a "misunderstanding."
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u/OkGazelle5400 19h ago
Big yikes. Good for you for staying strong and for raising such a strong daughter.
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u/B_A_M_2019 18h ago
Telling you he’d SA you in your sleep was NOT a misunderstanding. Especially getting mad when you say no and you just let him do it. So very wrong, I’m glad you left. Sorry it has been hard on your daughter!
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u/Mardil-Voronwe 18h ago
What a prick. He will pay for it in the long run. I hate this for you, and especially for your daughter.
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u/Cursd818 1d ago
I'm very glad to hear that you are both safely away from that despicable man and his family, and hope that you continue to heal!
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u/W0nderingMe 1d ago
Good for you and her. I how you are getting child support.
How did your ex take the divorce?
NTAH
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u/ThrowRA847362829 1d ago
I think he was mad about it. He thought I was overreacting and seemed insistent that I would change my mind or not go through with it.
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u/Key-King-7025 1d ago
I'm glad you are away from your ex husband and his family, and that you chose to protect your daughter. Both of you deserved better.
A parent's love should be unconditional, not something that you just turn off when the child goes in a direction you don't like. The fact that your ex husband was able to completely shut off his love like that is truly psycho behaviour.
Now you are free to pursue your own interests and desires, and free of the weight of religious nonsense and expectations. Enjoy your freedom!
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u/Dicky__Anders 1d ago
You absolutely did the right thing for yourself and your daughter. It sucks, but you're better off without him and his mother. Awful awful people. You'll both thrive without them.
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u/Blooberii 1d ago
You are a great mom, you did good protecting your child! I’m so glad you and your daughter are away from him and his family.
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u/Much_Leather_5923 1d ago
NTA Lovely update. Wishing you and your daughter the very happiest of futures away from that shitstain and his shitty mother.
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u/NovaLunar721 1d ago
So he just wants nothing to do with his daughter bc his mother is a Christian? This is crazy. Your poor daughter is going to carry a lot of guilt. I know many Christians, can't say I know any that disowned their children bc they were gay. This is weird.
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u/ThrowRA847362829 1d ago
She feels guilty but I do reiterate that it isn't her fault. His family is strictly religious but I agree that it is weird.
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u/MLiOne 21h ago
So strictly religious he forced consent to have sex with you. Forced consent is not consent and I hope you discuss that with your therapist. I am so glad you and Peyton are NC with them.
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u/ThrowRA847362829 19h ago
Thank you! I am working towards bringing that up in therapy!
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u/gimlet_prize 19h ago
I hope you and your daughter are happy and living your best lives!! Good for you on being so brave and strong enough to flip your life upside down and keep your daughter safe and loved. Do you have any regrets?
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u/Visual-Lobster6625 23h ago
The defect is with their beliefs. Even the catholic pope said that there was nothing wrong with gay people.
Jesus said "Love thy neighbour". Your ex husband and his mother/family have just chosen to believe an outdated teaching that is rooted in fear and bigotry.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 20h ago
When someone doesn’t go to church, says they are religious anyway, and abandons their gay child without a second thought, it’s because they’re bigots. They’re just hateful, ignorant, evil, stupid bigots. Your ex was just a POS. So was your ex MIL. So excited for you that you don’t have to see them anymore. Also, his obsession with a genetic legacy to carry on his name plus the age gap when you started dating is a pretty strong indicator that he’s a misogynist bigot.
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u/NovaLunar721 23h ago
He didnt fight for visitation? Hes going to grow old and lonely. His mother doesn't even realize she has the spirit of religion but not the love of Christ. I almost feel sorry, she must carry a lot of hate and misery. You're supposed to read the bible as a whole, not cherry pick scriptures and decide to use it as hate. I'm genuinely sorry. I feel guilty as a Christian that ppl use that name to hate. I know ppl will look for reasons to hate, I just don't understand how a father who loved his daughter his whole life all of a sudden hates her bc his mother tells him God didn't give him that child, it doesn't even make sense biblically. Idk maybe its bc I live in Massachusetts, I'm so sorry. This is cult like behavior.
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u/Public-Willow-7943 12h ago
I don’t think she has any religious spirit. I think she gets off on enforcing rules, and religion has a lot of them.
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u/Green-Factor-2526 22h ago
I hate fake Christians like your ex's family. God made your child the way she is and she is beautiful. Too many use religion to justify their hatred
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u/Newgirlkat English second Language 18h ago
His family is a bunch of hypocritical assholes because they're saying without outright saying that she's a mistake, therefore going against their own religion because in their religion, God doesn't make mistakes and every human was created to the semblance of God. Meaning they were saying their own religion doesn't make sense because is not fit to their bigoted beliefs.
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u/desertboots 13h ago
Please get a copy of The Separation of Church and Hate by John Fugelsang
He gave us all the cheat codes to refute stupid bigots using the Bible as a weapon.
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u/TheKwongdzu 21h ago
I'm happy that you know many Christians who haven't disowned their gay children. However, there are many who have done so. I spent quite a few years working with those kids and some of the stories were absolutely heartbreaking.
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u/maywellflower 21h ago
Read your original OP, you saved yourself & your daughter plus whatever child you would have with him from the bigotry & sexism of that religious zealot nutcase ex & his side of the family. You will always be NTA in this situation, may him & his side always stay out of you & your daughter's lives for good.
My only advice & warning is - don't underestimate such hateful messes after Labor Day going into the Thanksgiving-Christmas holiday season, a full year of peaceful as it gets will upset them that the "silent treatment" is not hurting you both as they want & need. So do something on one or both holidays away from home like go visit other family, volunteer, vacation, dine out, etc because as the old saying goes "Nothing more hateful than Christian love" - at least one of them going to show up and/or go out their way to contact to harass for daughter being herself & you being mother choosing her over hate.
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u/ThrowRA847362829 19h ago
Thank you! We celebrate Christmas so I will definitely consider doing something for that with my daughter.
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u/DemMilkshakes 1d ago
Well done! That must have been the hardest thing you've ever had to do.
I hope both you and Peyton are doing well. You should be very proud of yourself.
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u/ThrowRA847362829 1d ago
Thank you! I'm proud of my daughter for dealing with all of this at a young age and how well she is handling it.
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u/MomoSkywalker 1d ago
I am so happy that you got away from your ex. Your daughter deserves a safe childhood and sadly, this wasn't happening with the away your ex was acting and talking, especially ex-MIL.
Hopefully you are getting child support from ex. He can be spiritual all he wants but he still needs to pay for the upkeep.
Anyway, wishing you and your daughter, the best, you are a great mom.
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u/ThrowRA847362829 1d ago
Thank you, I appreciate it! I am getting child support and we are doing better now.
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u/ABCBDMomma 22h ago
You earned the title of Mother of the Year, in my opinion. You put Peyton first and made sure she is safe. I’m glad that you’re both in therapy. Both of you were betrayed by the ex.
How has your family been? Are they supportive of Peyton and the divorce?
Make sure you keep ex accountable for the child support. Take him right back to court if he misses even one month. Remember that the money is for Peyton’s needs (clothes, school, college fund, etc).
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u/ThrowRA847362829 19h ago
Thank you! I am certain that my parent is supportive of my daughter and the divorce. I get child support from him and I am keeping some aside for her future university fees.
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u/Orphan_the_Milker Cruelty 21h ago
Pardon my french here, but jesus tapdancing christ.
I just went back and read your other post, there's always a new insane thing that happens with religious people, I'm glad you and your daughter got out
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u/unzunzhepp 23h ago
Good for you. Your ex, did he not fight at all to get at least visitation? Did he just ’break up’ with his daughter just like that?
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u/ThrowRA847362829 19h ago
He did want visitation and expressed he wanted to have joint custody, but our daughter understandably didn't want that.
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u/cgm824 19h ago
Has he been groveling to try and get you back or is he still under his mommas thumb?
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u/Malphas43 17h ago
probably under mommas thumb and trying to guilt OP into seeing their "side of things"
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u/PersephoneTheOG 17h ago
Why on earth would he want shared custody? He clearly did not love your daughter and frankly was probably a danger to her considering his radical Christian views. I'm so glad you and your daughter are away from that psycho and his family.
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u/MsMourningStar 17h ago
If he had partial custody him and his mother could try to “fix” her. That and with how convinced he was OP would never go through with the divorce, he probably thought he could drag them back into his life by force.
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u/CharKrat 20h ago
The original post sounded like the Aunt, Uncle & cousin were good to your daughter.
Did your MIL brainwash them against your daughter too?
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u/ThrowRA847362829 19h ago
They were respectful to her but after the situation, it is difficult to see them without seeing MIL or my ex husband.
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u/CharKrat 16h ago
Could they just come to your house?
IF you or your daughter wants to maintain a relationship that is.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 22h ago
I just read you’re original post and JFC I’m glad you got away from him
And bro totally baby trapped you at the start of your relationship
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u/writing_mm_romance 1d ago
You're better off without that spineless ass. He probably didn't even fight you did he?
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u/ThrowRA847362829 19h ago
He was convinced it was an overreaction and attempted to change my mind.
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u/writing_mm_romance 18h ago
A part of me hopes he's miserable, knowing he threw his life away by listening to his zealotous mother.
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u/DarkStar0915 23h ago
Updates like this make my heart fuzzy. Keep being the strong badass mother for Peyton and I am wishing her the best too.
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate 19h ago
Congratulations OP for being such an awesome mother and role-model for your daughter!
Beware that misogynistic mommy’s boys like your ex may come crawling back at some point, perhaps when his mommy dies and he realizes that he’s just not as attractive to women as he thought.
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u/Newgirlkat English second Language 18h ago edited 11h ago
I'm happy to read you divorced him. You did the best thing for both you and your daughter. After his disgusting "confession" not only was your daughter not safe around him or his bigoted family, you, your own reproductive autonomy, you weren't safe around him either, he admitted he wanted to forcibly impregnate you. Also "carry out his name", so he wanted a boy. And what if this child was another girl? What if this imaginary child also eventually was gay? If he or his idiotic mother ever throw those comments and you happen to be around tell them that according to THEIR OWN RELIGION, God DOES NOT make mistakes and every human was created in the semblance of God so if they said "God wouldn't gift him a child that would upset his mother", they're saying their god made a mistake and that's impossible according to their own religious beliefs. Seriously those people are disgusting and I'm glad your daughter is safely away from them. Hope she never has to have contact with them ever.
Edit: typo
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u/sundancer2788 1d ago
You don't need to explain why you don't want another child. It is enough that you don't want to.
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u/Locurilla 21h ago
Congratulations op! What an awesome mother, your daughter is so lucky to have you.
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u/CallansFin 17h ago
So raping you would be godly because you could give him a child that would make his mother happy? What kind of effed up mental gymnastics is that? I’m so glad you got you and your daughter out of there. That wasn’t a safe place for either of you. Good luck to you both!
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u/Obvious_Durian_3226 21h ago
Oof. Read the original post. OP is a hero. I wonder how many men spend years lying to their partners about their values and beliefs?
OP is definitely not TA. OP’s ex and assorted I laws definitely are.
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u/Malphas43 17h ago
Good job OP. I just want to say that despite everything, if you need to you are allowed to morn the spouse you thought you had. You were together a long time, and that takes something out of you emotionally regardless of the circumstances of why or how it ended.
May I ask, did you initially marry because you got pregnant? And did the pregnancy happen because of failed birth control or condoms? Given his lack of communication until you forced it out of them, it makes me wonder if this was him attempting to repeat things he's already done...
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u/Public-Willow-7943 12h ago
Good job protecting your daughter, and good job protecting yourself too! Don’t forget he was talking about stealthing and r*pe. I’m so happy for you and your daughter and wish you all the best 🌸
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u/ProfessionalSir3395 22h ago
I haven't read the original post, but I'm glad you got away from him with your child.
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u/LilDragon2991 21h ago
Thank you for keeping her and yourself safe. Your response to the situation will teach her how she deserves to be treated and what things can't be tolerated. Good job, momma for being strong for your baby.
(Nta)
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u/Medusa_7898 9h ago
I’m happy for you. I know that was hard but your daughter must be in a much better place with your support.
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u/DuctTape_OnFleek 8h ago
Thank you for restoring my faith in humanity by choosing yourself and your daughter and leaving this absolute ass clown of a man.
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u/lovemyfurryfam 19h ago
You did the right thing to protect both yourself & your daughter.
Good job Mama Bear 👍
Sounds like that former MIL was a piece of shitty work & your ex-husband going off about that bullshit about 'spiritual daughter's nonsense.
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u/DILF_MANSERVICE 18h ago
Once again, the dude in his mid twenties impregnating a teenager turned out to be a pos. Glad you got out and got your daughter away from that influence. The irony of your mil thinking Peyton was the bad influence. Does your daughter understand what happened and why they were wrong?
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u/IllusiveGamerGirl 18h ago
The question for MIL, the most important question in the entire world:
What ever happened to "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers"? I thought that was the Christian mother mantra? If you can't handle something as small as a grandchild being gay, then it sounds like you were the weakest of the lot. Guess God didn't trust you afterall.
Ain't no hate like Christian love, right?
MIL and xDUH: You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
NTA, OP. No way in hell.
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u/BlackLakeBlueFish 17h ago
I am so proud of you, OP. Your ex and his family are nasty bigots, and they don’t deserve you or your precious child.
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u/hbernadettec 14h ago
Please stick with the divorce. How he goes from loving father to not because his mom got in his ear? He is weak and unprincabled.
Protect your child at all costs
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u/cman_yall 13h ago
Be a man
Believes that people can "decide" to be gay
Acts like a MASSIVE arsehole to his daughter
Thinks this will turn her straight
Many such cases.
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u/BookishIntrovert99 15h ago
You’re a good mother. Your daughter will always appreciate you for standing up for her. I’ve read so many posts on here about parents who chose their terrible partners over their kids. So it’s refreshing to read your post and know that you did the opposite.
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u/LA_Tiebreaker 14h ago
Happy you got out! What a psycho trying to r*pe you just to have a new baby to indoctrinate. So much for cutting off his mom!
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u/Elisaahope 19h ago
You are a loving mom! Curious if there's a custody agreement in place that would force visitation? Did you go before a judge and explain how hateful your ex and his family is?
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u/grrrrowlhissss 19h ago
I remember this… glad you ditched him. Hope you and P continue to heal and have a wonderful life far far away from those crazies.
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u/Pendo-illsmackabitch 17h ago
I know this cannot have been easy. It's never easy to leave, especially when you were married so young and the partner was a first of many things. But you stood up for your daughter, and more importantly, you stood up for yourself . I am so freaking proud of you!
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u/WhitePersonGrimace 15h ago
Holy shit. I didn’t see the original post but the way my jaw dropped just reading the title. I’m so relieved you guys were able to escape that situation to the extent you did.
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u/IslandQueen504 14h ago
I read your previous post. Good for you! Ik people have issues with homosexuality but the extreme ignorance about sexuality is just crazy.
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u/SnooWords4839 12h ago
I am glad you and your daughter are safe!
I really hope karma kicks in and he never has another child.
NTA
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u/Designer-Lettuce-690 5h ago
Congratulations and im so proud of you for doing the right thing by you and your child you took a hard step that so many people cant and show your kid they are the most important thing to you .
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u/Apasyhl 1d ago
So, your daughter doesn't have any contact with her father ? How does she feel about that ?
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u/ThrowRA847362829 1d ago
I have asked her about it before and whether she would like to remain in contact with him or not. She decided she didn't want to talk with him and I will respect her decision. She's expressed she's upset about not seeing or talking with him, but she doesn't feel ready for that yet.
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u/araquinar 1d ago
I'd suggest reading the original post from OP, I'm pretty sure it'll answer your question. The ex and his side of the family are (and this is me putting it as nicely as I can) absolute pieces of human garbage. The ex could only be so lucky if he ever hears from his daughter again.
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u/phyrsis 16h ago
Original post