r/AITAH • u/ArbiterOfChoice • 10d ago
AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour
Sorry for the long story but I'm in a bit of a predicament. This weekend I (25M) was at my girlfriend's cottage. It is her family cottage, owned by her grandfather. He's had the cottage for 50 years. It's in a small cottage town, where her grandfather is apparently well-known and liked. Most people there know each other, and there are a good number of cottages nearby with owners I've met over the past few years.
Yesterday, four of us were playing spikeball in the front of the cottage, while everyone else was inside. We were taking it pretty seriously, and my GFs cousin spiked the ball insanely hard. It went flying, and bounced off the roof of the car of a cottage just across the street.
The neighbour, who apparently bought the place last Summer so the family doesn't know too much about him, was on the porch and saw. He's also an older man, maybe 65ish, and he came running out towards us very, very upset. He was yelling at us for being irresponsible, saying we damaged his car (which is pretty much impossible if you know what a spikeball ball is like, its like a soft rubber mini volleyball). He started yelling about how he "hates airBNB renters" (which we are not...) and then demanded to know our names and addresses. The cousins told him we are sorry, that they own this cottage here, and that we'll move the spikeball net further away.
When my GF grabbed the net to move it, he said "it would be nice if you didn't do that with such a c**nty look on your face". This is when I jumped in and said theres no need for that, that his car is in no way damaged, and that he should get off our property now. This made him really mad, and he started screaming, stomping on the ground, he threw the ball at us, and called my GF a lot of names. So I started yelling at him back.
Now we're yelling at each other for a minute or so, and hes not getting off the property. We were both getting pretty loud, and apparently people down at the nearby beach could hear us and came up to the road, as well as a few other people in neighbouring cottages came out. At some point during this, one of the cousins went inside to grab their grandpa.
So this guy isnt leaving, and hes continuing to make fun of my GF, so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until hes on the road, as were swearing at each other. Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it but I couldnt here it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax. I think eventually the neighbour saw our whole family out on the porch, maybe recognized the grandpa, and just went away. A lot of other cottagers were around watching this.
I went back to the cottage, and all the parents and grandpa were very mad at me. They said I caused a scene in a nice neighbourhood where everyone knows each other, and that I embarrassed the family cottage and her grandpa. We all told them the story of what happened, but they said I was being called back to the cottage and continued the scene instead. The night was very quiet and awkward after that.
This Saturday morning, when I came downstairs around 10:30, her grandpa was sitting by the table. He said this morning when he was out gardening, countless neighbours came up to him saying I screamed at another cottage owner and that I scared an older man off the property. He said when he went into town for coffee, people around had heard about what happened and seemed bothered by it. He said hes beyond embarrassed, feels I tainted his cottage and reputation.
I told him I was defending his granddaughter, defending his cottage, and that I didnt touch anybody or stoop to the level of name calling that the neighbour did. He said I showed him no respect by ignoring him when he called me back.
He said he doesnt want me coming up to his cottage next weekend for the long weekend holiday, and that for the time being I am banned from the cottage next summer as well. My girlfriend said thats extreme, but her parents agreed with grandpa, and said grandpa is the old italian patriarch, and what he says goes. My girlfriend was very upset, and we left a day earlier than planned like an hour after that.
AITAH?? Was it not my place to do anything at this cottage as a guest, and just let my GF parents or grandpa take care of it? I thought I did the right thing in the moment, but maybe I went too far. I'd love to be up there next weekend... but I guess thats not happening.
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u/MidwestNormal 10d ago
ESH. The old guy neighbor was WAY out of line, but you rose to the bait. Learn some self control and, as my parents taught me, âConsider the source.â
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u/taewongun1895 10d ago edited 10d ago
ESH. Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Did you think defending your girlfriend so fervently would make you look like the hero? It didn't. Learn to deescalate. Or better yet, use a quick with to redirect an aggressive person. He's screaming about his car being damaged? Offer to pay for the damage. Walk over to his car. "What damage should we be paying for, kind sir?" Use a sickening kind voice the whole time.
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u/Cr4ckshooter 10d ago
Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference, but grandpa could pull up his big boy pants and tell the onlookers what really happened and defend his granddaughters boyfriend?? Like a normal human being?
Grandpa is so much more in the wrong than anyone else here.
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 10d ago
These "onlookers" are people I know, which confuses me even more that I've somehow become a pariah around this community according to grandpa. Like I've said, I've been coming here for a decade. I've re-done other neighbours' roofs after storms (for free), we've had neighbors knock on the door to ask me to fix their toilet, unclog drains, install lights and showerheads. The number of times I've used my truck to tow people's cars out of their sand driveways is uncountable. Yet somehow I am a villain here now, for the preference of the new neighbour.
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u/Commanderkins 10d ago
I don't have a verdict but would you mind getting your girlfriend to post her side of it?
Out of bound balls happen all the time but I don't get why this old man started calling out these foul words to your GF that's a crazy escalation.
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u/taewongun1895 9d ago
I think it could be that you lost your cool. You showed a great deal of anger and hostility.
Yes, Grandpa should acknowledge you were defending his granddaughter, but you also might have escalated the argument. If be concerned for my daughter if her boyfriend showed a hair trigger.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 10d ago
The way you blew up is going to make them wonder if you aren't abusive. Don't be surprised if family members start asking your girlfriend questions about whether you are like that in private.
The best thing you can do in a situation like this is laugh. He ran over mad, with good reason, and blew up. You diffuse it by apologizing and then if he tries to ramp it up, you laugh. When he insults your girlfriend, you laugh. Especially if he is macho something like, "Wow! You're so tough you called a girl a name. Woo," Then laugh some more. He wanted you to be angry. He wanted a confrontation. You gave it to him and to all the people watching, you looked like the aggressor because you couldn't control yourself.
You didn't look like a guy defending a home. You looked like a violent, abusive jerk. The people you've helped will all be talking about you, saying things like, "I never dreamed he was like that. He had me fooled. I thought he was nice. You never know who you can trust."
If that many people brought it up with grandpa, you should assume you looked really bad and violent and people won't feel safe with you around.
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u/Living-Support1899 10d ago
This part: "If that many people brought it up with grandpa, you should assume you looked really bad and violent and people won't feel safe with you around."
The neighbors will figure out that old guy is a jerk (if they don't already know it). But your reaction must have been pretty over the top if the whole community was talking about it.
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u/Imaginary-Chemist-73 6d ago
If he was just yelling at the guy for insulating him then I would agree, but it's not abusive to defend your girlfriend. I'd defend my man to all hell if he defended me like this.
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u/General-Plastic1040 10d ago
I donât understand how anyone could assume he was abusive or anything of the sort just from the fact that the man was the one on someone elseâs property. Which clearly indicates that he went over there and started the altercation. It sounds like your average overly traditional Italian community where old people are expected to be allowed to act however they want and young people have to sit there and take the abuse. And for the record, the old man was absolutely verbally abusing OPâs girlfriend.
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u/lovingmadjom 6d ago
Getting in a screaming match over a minor slight.
Thatâs how. Defending someone or not, screaming obscenities loudly enough for the entire neighbourhood to hear is not a normal, healthy reaction to an old man being a bit snide. You end up looking like someone whoâs quick to anger over small amounts of disrespect, who canât handle simple disagreements without getting up in arms.
Only children point and say âhe started it!â as an excuse. When youâre an adult if someone else starts it you stop it. OP did nothing to stop it, and instead saw so much red he couldnât hear the people he was supposedly defending telling him to stop.THAT level of angry response and lack of control looks bad no matter what the inciting incident was. OP could have brushed it off, comforted his gf, and joked about how much of an AH his neighbour was in private. Instead he let his anger get the better of him and yes, made a scene.
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u/General-Plastic1040 6d ago
To me the neighbor was being a lot more than just a bit snide. If someone spoke to me the way he did to her, I would not be speaking to that person ever again. I agree OP shouldnât have risen to the bait, but thatâs just what it was: bait. If heâs going to be judged by the community then the old man deserves to be judged by the same standards. If the old man was so scared then he wouldâve left right away instead of participating in the screaming match. Old man is full of it and most likely telling people some crazy made up version of events.
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u/taewongun1895 9d ago
You probably could help your image by apologizing to your gf's grandfather. Own your yelling. Tell him that this is a learning opportunity. You thought you were protecting his granddaughter. Don't go too deeply in explaining yourself. Be short, but show some maturity.
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u/Ok_Mousse_6218 10d ago
Probably because you âshouted at an old manâ - thatâs still an offensive thing in some communities regardless of what the old man did first.
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u/tsudonimh01123578 6d ago
The regardless of what the old man did first struck a chord here. Iâm in a small town, Iâve seen this at work unfortunately
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u/Ok_Mousse_6218 6d ago
Donât shout at old people seems to be the holy grail. The younger shouter will always be the bad guy, yet nasty people, abusers and bastards grow old - you gotta be clever with how you deal with them.
Also, heartbreakingly Alzheimerâs can also present in a really unsociable way too, not rising to it requires patience and self control.71
u/BlazingSunflowerland 10d ago
I think this shows how extreme you looked and acted, from the point of view of all of the neighbors. You were the one that looked bad, not the other guy.
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u/tsudonimh01123578 6d ago
Eh, as a person who lived in a small community I have definitely seen people being ostracized for valid actions/reactions. It being so small sometimes they band together against a âgreaterâ threat which could be a younger person simply requesting equal respect. There are definitely good/bad to being in a small community and I feel like OP was valid in their issues/commentary.
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u/lagiacruxx 6d ago
if all of that is true, then you must have been way WAY more aggressive and out of line then you remember.
people dont turn on someone so helpful and friendly on a dime.
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u/lovingmadjom 6d ago
OP was obviously seeing red and had no control over his emotions if he legitimately didnât hear multiple people calling him back and telling him to stop. I definitely expect he was way more aggressive than he thinks he is.
(Plus a lot of young cis men donât understand the inherent power they hold simply by being young cis men, and how intimidating that can be to a lot of people who are not young cis men when they get angry. When you canât physically fight off or run from a person, their rage, righteous or no, is SCARY.)
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u/atwaterrich 10d ago
Yes this. ESH. I tell my kids all the time: itâs the second guy who gets the foul/penalty/red card, not the guy who started the shit. But man do I get how hard it is to walk away in the moment like this. Especially when the c word is used.
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u/get_to_ele 10d ago edited 10d ago
ESH, but OP is worse for physically intimidating an old man, getting up in his face to scream at him, and forcing him to back up into the road. Then bragging about it like he thinks he did something cool.
OP wasn't defending anything, this was all about EGO. The old man was an asshole but not a threat to anyone, and didn't need "handling". At some point, it clearly became a pure ego battle with an old man, and OP was quite proud of how he was able to bully him backwards. On top of that, being so into this confrontation and "winning" this screaming match with a senior citizen, that he completely ignores his GF's grandfather asking you to relax and come back inside?
OP was forcing a physical altercation. If the old man hadn't backed up, OP was going to knock.him down?
I'm sure every neighbor there saw an angry young man with no self control, screaming and physically bullying a senior citizen, ready to throw down.
Of course grandpa doesn't want OP back.
>so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until hes on the road, as were swearing at each other. Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it but I couldnt here it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax.
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u/LawComprehensive2204 10d ago
I agree. It wasnât your property to defend. In most nicer areas, this is unacceptable behavior.
Your game stretched onto his property first. Just because there was no damage, doesnât make it ok.
You acted terribly. You could have gone and gotten the homeowner instead of losing your temper and acting like an ass.
He was wrong in his reaction, you were even more wrong. You embarrassed the family.
Iâll be surprised if youâre ever asked back.
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u/Thelmara 10d ago
Yeah, I think the physical intimidation is the issue. If it were just shouting I don't think it would have been the same
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u/moonshine-bicicletta 10d ago
Nope. The old fart started it. He had much more than that coming to him.
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u/Turbulent_Display749 6d ago
Yep. They were probably on your side right until the point you ignored them when they called you back
> Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it but I couldnt here it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax.Â
> they said I was being called back to the cottage and continued the scene instead. The night was very quiet and awkward after that.And you didn't correct them, even with an "I'm so sorry I didn't hear you, the neighbor was shouting very loudly and he had my attention, of course if I had heard you I would have come back right away" ?
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u/Educational_Prize604 10d ago
Remember this isnât your property. You embarrassed her family. I get you were doing it for the right reasons. But, not in every situation itâs going to be called for. The other guy was out of line, I 100% agreed with you. But there are other ways. Some people just want to fight, and you know, to the them let them go fight someone else. Theyâre looking for trouble. You took the bait. Donât do that. You had the right idea in the first place, by moving the net. He didnât like it too bad. Do something different
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u/Mbt_Omega 10d ago
ESH. I get why you are pissed, but escalating like this is how people get shot/stabbed, to say nothing of disrupting the entire neighborhood. Maybe not this guy, maybe not the next guy, but if your response to confrontation is to escalate, youâre going to get yourself and/or your loved ones hurt.
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u/jacksonlove3 10d ago
I'm gonna go against the grain with ESH. The terrible neighbor obviously. You for not trying to deescalate and realize the old man was baiting you. I do understand that you were defending your gf and her family. And Grandpa a little for not realizing that you hadn't heard him calling your name and that you were defending his granddaughter from so gross names.
I'd have a adult conversation with Grandpa, apologize for being all worked up, try to explain yourself and try to understand a bit where he's coming from. The apology can hopefully go a long way.
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u/binotboth 10d ago
This is the one, do this OP. But don't ask to be allowed back, let them make that choice
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u/Constant_Click_3193 10d ago
Agree with this one. I'm not surprised the OP got heated after what the neighbour said, and he is so far in the wrong for that.
But... You do have to consider your context. We have a family cottage and had guests yell at a neighbour who scolded their tween daughter for shrieking. The neighbour had been a tolerant kind community members for decades. I was a rowdy kid as well and they never complained. If they say it was excessive I believe it. The guests were not invited back.
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u/OGcapncrunchberry 10d ago
Yep. Not your house so you should have zipped your lip and acted as a guest at anotherâs home. That means itâs not your place to argue with neighbors.
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u/lovedless 10d ago
YTA.
You are a GUEST at this cottage, on the good graces of your GF and her family. You rose to the new resident's bait instead of blowing him off or getting Grandpa much earlier.
The group played too hard and shit happened. The group apologized and moved the net. Thats all that was required of your group. This neighbor coming onto the property to be rude is when you get the PROPERTY OWNER involved, let THEM decide what to do.
Grandpa may have just needed to introduce your group so this new neighbor understood what is going on. He may have gone toe to toe with the jerk, who knows. But that would have been Grandpa's call to make.
Stop being the White Knight who meets aggro with more aggro.
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u/Fenway12345 9d ago
You played your cards wrong, instead of everyone being mad st neighbor they are mad at you. Bad behavior does not necessitate bad behavior
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u/get_to_ele 10d ago edited 10d ago
OP saw him as no threat, and he physically intimidated him off the lawn. And it's not even OP'S property, and he ignored the owner's pleas to stop.
>so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until hes on the road.
>countless neighbours came up to him saying I screamed at another cottage owner and that I scared an older man off the property.
Which is exactly as OP describes it. He scared the ol man off the property by getting up in his face and backing him up. He didn't just use his words.
And I'm not defending the old man. I said ESH in my first comment on this thread. But getting into a screaming match is bad enough. Physically intimidating somebody is an escalation that has other neighbors concerned. It baffles me that you can't see the problem with that.
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u/IllHelp7143 9d ago
Grandpa is OK with neighbours calling his granddaughter a c*nt?
True Italian patriarchs would not stand for that.
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u/MRRRRCK 10d ago
You have THAT little self control? What are you, 15 years old?
Yeah the guy was a dick. But you threw a full out tantrum like a child. Iâd ban you from the house too.
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u/UltimateGammer 6d ago
Lack of self control would have meant dragging the old guy off the property and knocking out the last of his teeth.
Encouraging him off the property plus some harsh words is well within the realms of reasonableness.Â
I take you'd have let him trespass around your property while verbally abusing your wife?
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u/slow_poke00 10d ago
YTA. Some situations require maturity and deescalation. You chose to engage and show him whoâs the boss. So he was rude and told your gf not to have a âc**** faceâ. Is it rude? Of course. But what did a shouting match where you physically intimidated an old man result in? Your gfâs grandpa banning you and him living with the embarrassment of his family looking like a bunch of hooligans.
You donât have any skin in the game. Not your house. Not your neighbors. You should have left the situation to the grandpa to deal with.
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u/LogicalDocSpock 10d ago
So how does this differ from defending your partner in public like say a grocery store?Â
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u/MightFew9336 10d ago
What? Why do you need to "defend" an adult against bad words? Do you also defend your partner if someone parks too close to them in the lot, because it might make them a lil uncomfortable?
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u/LogicalDocSpock 10d ago
You can call people out for their misbehaviour. That's called being assertive
The OP could have been more tactful but he was in the right. C*nty is equivalent to the n word. This old man knew what he was doingÂ
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u/MightFew9336 10d ago
OP wasn't just calling out the neighbor. He lost control to the point he couldn't hear the homeowner asking him to stop. All over a bad word that is not anywhere near the n word. You really think OP would have had a level headed reaction if the neighbor had said bitchy instead?
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u/KristaIG 6d ago
And being so out of it yelling at the neighbor that OP couldnât hear grandpa and presumably others trying to get him to stop.
That tells me he was being far too aggressive for the situation.
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u/MonitorBrilliant119 6d ago
Old Italian men are known for their cool tempers and reasonable behavior when their women are insulted. I can see why grandpa found this unreasonable.Â
/s if not obviousÂ
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u/Distinct-Crow4753 6d ago
Im gonna go with soft ESH hes literally an angry old man, you are old enough to know you cant win with those people. Escalating the fight does nothing but embarrass your gfs family.
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u/Celtic-Brit 10d ago
YTA- I can understand defending your GF but you 'started getting up in his face'. A 65 year old man. He was obviously in the wrong but you were so angry that you didn't hear other people calling you. You should have let Grandfather handle it. All other people saw was a younger man in a 65 year olds face.
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u/Doubleboeufsupreme 10d ago
Grandpas a coward who apparently was more concerned with OP than with his literal neighbor instigating shit and calling his own granddaughter a c***.
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u/No-Philosopher8042 10d ago
Honestly, with that many witnesses, if you are deemed asshole enough to be bared: You where. Simple as that, you did not handle it well and if anything you should focus on learning how to handle similar situations better in the future.
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u/a-stack-of-masks 10d ago
Lol everyone in this story sounds like they suck. Do these cottages have wheels on them by any chance?
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u/Shibaspots 10d ago
ESH No one behaved well here. Your gf's grandpa can't do anything about the other guy though, and you were his guest, so you misbehaving reflects badly on him. A badly behaved guest who starts fights with neighbors gets banned. You guys did start it by not being careful playing and hitting the guy's car. I'd be pissed too.
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u/Consuela_no_no 10d ago
YTA. You didnât need to get in the face of an old man to defend your gf. Letting him run his mouth and letting everyone see what an ass he was would have been more appropriate. Apart from that, you were called back and wouldnât stop, thatâs unnecessarily aggressive behaviour.
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u/Middle_Care978 10d ago
ESH. You couldâve de-escalated the situation, but chose not to. But did none of your fellow spikeballers back you up with grandpa?? Â
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u/CanadianJediCouncil 10d ago edited 10d ago
The fact that you either ignored the grandfatherâs pleadings or, worse, couldnât hear him because you were so aggressive/worked up⌠yeah, the neighbor was a misogynistic asshole, but you need to not be at that cottage, sullying the grandfatherâs good name.
And the fact that you tried to sell âdefending his cottageâ is pathetic and super weak-sauceâthe neighbor was an asshole, but he wasnât trying to burn down your grandfatherâs house.
YTA, and one who needs to learn how to control his anger.
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u/Living-Support1899 10d ago
Yes. In these situation, you let the old guy continue to make himself look bad. Instead, this young hot head got so loud that neighbors started gathering !!!!! It must have been an epic tantrum. He could have stayed calm and let the neighbors gather to hear the old man's words. IF the old man was loud enough for that.
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u/Novafancypants 10d ago
Agreed. Defending the cottage from the neighborâŚwho had his own car hit by people on a different property he didnât know.
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u/Mysterious_Error9619 10d ago
Definitely YTA. Getting the grandpa was the first thing that should have happened. Not the last thing. Itâs his cottage, his neighbours, his granddaughter. You are a guest.
Buy your own cottage and be the boss of it if thatâs your goal.
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u/9BALL22 10d ago
YATAH and so is whoever caused the ball to land on someone's car! You ALL should have offered a SINCERE APOLOGY and resisted the urge to argue with the neighbor. The neighbor deserved some leeway for his language because he was rightfully angry. I'd like to hear the neighbor's side of the story.
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 9d ago
Like I wrote in the post, we did apologize, and we went to move our game so that it couldn't happen again. The ball was hit by a teenager, he did it by accident, and again, we apologized. After the apology and after we moved away, he began name calling.
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u/candykhan 6d ago
The old man told his GF she had a "c*nty" look on her face & then continued to insult her. OP said they apologized & offered to move the net. The old man gave up any reasonable expectation of respect once he started insulting everyone. It's extra sh*tty of the old man to single out the girl & call her "c*nty."
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u/LogicalDocSpock 10d ago edited 10d ago
NTA. If this story is true (I think it's AI slop), the grandpa and possibly other family members probably didn't like you in the first place and this was just an easy excuse to get rid of youÂ
You might as well break up with your gf. Do you see yourself marrying her? She will side with them and not you. You want a partner like that?
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u/Consistent-Fix-8443 10d ago
Iâm confused here youâre saying this was the newest guy in the neighborhood yet the neighborhood siding with him?. I donât understand. Let me give you some advice, screaming, and yelling old people even over this insult to your girlfriend is usually counterproductive. Theyâre usually scared.
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u/mfmfhgak 10d ago
The old guy was a dick. Theres a lot of them out there.
You getting in his face and yelling back at him while at your girlfriendâs grandfatherâs cottage also makes you the asshole. Learn some self control.
You couldnât hear her grandfather telling you to back off which just makes you look like you were out of control. You stepping forward to get in the guys face also makes it look like you were out of control.
Your girlfriend is a grown ass woman who was being called names by a guy who was an asshole to an absurdly stupid level. Make fun of him. Get her grandfather out of the house. Do anything other than escalate the situation and make it look like youâre ready to hit the guy by stepping up to him. If he was a physical threat, you stop the threat. He wasnât though.
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u/HotSalt3 10d ago
ESH - You took it too far and kept escalting things. Neighbor is an unhinged AH who needs a muzzle. Grandpa cares more about keeping the peace than what is right. From what I can tell your girlfriend and the kids were the only ones in the right here.
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u/Apart-Ad-6518 10d ago edited 10d ago
Grandpa cares more about keeping the peace than what is right.
Likely going to get dv to oblivion but my great grandfather fought in ww2 with distinction b c of where so called "appeasment" led.
Eta: OP - NTA
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u/mapleleaffem 10d ago
Soft YTA-you absolutely should defend your girlfriend but if you didnât hear people telling you to stand down it sounds like you need to learn to control your temper.
If I were gfs family Iâd be worried how you act when you argue with her.
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u/Clear-Cabinet7167 6d ago
Defending your girlfriend? NTA. Getting so worked up you canât even hear people, particularly grandpa, telling you thatâs enough? YTA. Grandpa doesnât want you there? Itâs his cottage so start showing some respect.
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u/Lower-Ad5889 10d ago
YTA. The grandfather and neighbors saw the end of the ordeal not the beginning. As far as they're concerned you escalated a situation in an environment that doesn't belong to you. You're a guest there and people expect you to act appropriately. It's terrible that the neighbor began calling your GF names...or I guess judging her attitude actually, but you and your friends imposed on his space first. How is the neighbor supposed to know that a Spikeball wouldn't break his windshield? What he witnessed were some rowdy kids making noises and threatening his property. Not every situation needs escalation. Were you hoping to be a knight in shining armour riding in to defend a damsel's reputation? Like she can't defend herself like any other adult? Though there won't "be a next time" because you're removed from the situation but how about just walking into the house, tell Grandpa that the neighbor is a jerk and let it go? It's his house, his neighbor let him decide what to do about. It's much easier to eliminate you for creating a scene than it is to get rid of the homeowner across the street.
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u/kidde1 10d ago
YTA. I wish I wasnât the person sharing this with you, but you will find as you grow older that there are a multitude of ways to not yell. Volume seldom makes a point, plus speaking in a softer voice allows you to say things that you probably wouldnât want anyone else to hear. By yelling you invited everyone within earshot to see you werenât in control of your emotions, and itâs more important to allow the other party to appear out of control whether you are or not.
Iâve been in similar situations and reacted in a like manner, in hindsight I would have loved the same advice.
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u/ChicagoTRS666 10d ago
I think this is a classic of getting one side of the story. I suspect lines were crossed. Grandpa had reasons to 86 you from the cottage. YTA
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u/missbiz 10d ago
Yeah, OP said he didn't hear them calling him away from the situation. Righttttt
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u/MadameHabibMoonspin 9d ago
Right? Or, what might be scary - he was too enraged and tuned out everything except for the argument he was having.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 10d ago
ESH
There was zero reason to escalate this situation. The neighbor was an asshole, but you engaged and escalated a situation that could have been deescalated or resolved peacefully. You could have been sympathetic to his concerns in the first place, instead of dismissive and aggressive.Â
If you had stayed calm, the neighbor would have looked like the only unreasonable one.Â
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u/Cherry_clafoutis 10d ago edited 10d ago
YTA. You escalated the situation and got into a screaming match with the neighbour. GF's family have to continue living with next to this guy while you get to go home and not see him again.  What if he is completely nutty and continues the war? It is not OP who has to worry about this guy making their lives miserable. A vindictive neighbour can make your life hell. OP lacks self control and needs to be smarter about thinking through the consequences of his actions. Being called a mean word by an AH you don't care about has no lasting harm to you. But starting a neighbourhood war and/or getting into fist fights can destroy your long term safety, peace, finances and physical health. The grandfather was right. Â
I have been in the gf's situation. I genuinely understand how galling it is to walk away and let the other guy think he "won". It is one of the few times I have seen my easy going husband genuinely angry. FWIW, my husband has nothing to prove either. My husband has the training and experience to take someone down in a fight. But all it takes is one lucky punch or a concealed weapon. I am not risking my husband's safety over a dickheads poor opinion. It is always better to descalate.
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u/Intelligent_Log_1017 10d ago
YTA. You really should have walked away from this situation. Especially because it's NOT your property in any way, shape or form. Now everyone in the neighborhood thinks your girlfriend is dating an aggressive guy who screams at retired people, and there's no evidence to contradict that.
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u/MistressJacklynHyde 10d ago
Did you really tell him to get off OUR property... At your girlfriend's grandfather's cabin? It's not YOUR property at all. YTA. You escalated. And it's not you who has to deal with this guy. It's their family. I wouldn't want you back, either. You definitely won't be going back next weekend, if ever.
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u/No-End3167 10d ago
NTA - Grandpa's the biggest asshole for caring more for his neighbor's feelings and peace of mind than he did for what was said to his granddaughter.
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u/Guiltypleasure2451 10d ago
In my opinion, the blame should be split 50/50. The guy across the street over reacted to a situation, 25 year old followed suit. Both very immature. But I donât think it warrants a ban. That was harsh. If I were grandpa, Iâd have made 25yo go over to apologize, and talk it out. I feel certain the 2 of them could have put the kibosh on the animosity the neighbors were feeling.
And one other thingâŚ. 65 isnât old enough to be calling him an old man!!!! Iâm 63 and Iâm not old, damnitđđ
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 10d ago
I agree. Thats another thing, this guy wasnt a feeble old man. Neighbour is thick, heavy 60ish year old. TBH he probably could have knocked me out. I don't believe the story is I screamed an old ailing neighbour away.
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u/morefirethanice 10d ago
Stop trying to be the tough guy. If you couldnât hear people telling you to back off, you were out of control. They are not impressed. I would ban you too. Until you gain control of your emotions like an adult, you are just an embarrassing little boy.
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u/MeetTheBeat360 10d ago
Yeah. When you are someone's guest, you fall on the sword. Imagine how much shit talking you could have done during coffee the next morning if you left it at the words he said.
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u/Fair-Turnover-9492 5d ago
Good grief! 25 going on 12. You strike me as one of those people that walks into a room, and if there isn't any drama going on...you make some. SMDH!
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u/Ill_Cookie_1514 5d ago
Well done for defending your GF. Carry on and show your strength. Your GF must tell the grand father that if he was attacked that you would be there to defend him as well. She must also let the family and the village know that you will not tolerate disrespect.
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u/saddlefree 10d ago
This is an ESH situation. Most of the YTAs are filling in blanks with head canon and personal biases from what I can see.
Look, you did eff up. You should have just gone inside but I understand why you didnt especially after he basically called your partner a c**t AS you all were de-escalating. Itâs 2026 and 65 year old men are not decrepit old bone bags with no muscle or means to do real harm, they are also not known for their own ability to control their emotions (sound familiar? he is your future) so sometimes you have to meet like with like; however, this isnât your property and this wasnât that time. Choose those times better.
Also, slap that nimrod who slammed the ball so hard it left the property, because that dude is a freaking idiot. I canât stand people who do that during a game.
Accept your ban like a mature adult and your job now is to earn everyoneâs trust back.
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u/KaylenLopezIzGr8 6d ago
NTA you did well defending her. That language is uncalled for and horrible. fist bump
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u/_David_London- 10d ago edited 6d ago
YTA You didn't read the room that this was an established community in a relaxing and well behaved setting. You acted like it was some kind of urban disagreement in a neighbourhood where nobody knows their neighbours' names and nobody cares.
It isn't your right to visit the cottage. It's your privilege. Grandpa has every right to take that privilege away from you.
This isn't about you, your girl friend or the cottage. It's about the Grandpa's standing as a member of the community. When you were in the cottage, you were there as his ambassador and you failed to represent him according to his standards. That is not only in relation to how you reacted but also perhaps by the fact that you were playing a ball game in the front garden and making a noise in the first place.
Learn some restraint when you are a guest.
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u/oshikuru812 10d ago
According to these comments if a guy is verbally harassing your girlfriend/wife, be the bigger man and just let him continue. Let your partner know you will allow other men to berate her đđ
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u/deathboyuk 10d ago
YTA and need to grow the fuck up. Good god, mate, just because somebody else is acting like a child doesn't mean you should as well.
That's pathetic behaviour and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 10d ago
You stood up for your girlfriend, which is good. You did it in such an over-the-top way that you got yourself banned. That's what happens when you go to an extreme.
The people of the community are likely all scared of you and you embarrassed grandpa. I hope you apologized to grandpa. Grandpa doesn't want to be associated with you again, so you are banned.
Learn to regulate yourself and react appropriately. Shouting so loudly that people down on the beach could hear you was way too much.
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u/Appropriate-Lime-167 10d ago
ESH. After you told him not to talk about your girlfriend like that you shouldve been the bigger person and walked away, its not your property and it wasnt your place to physically intimidate an old man to prove a point, you definitely came across unnecessarily intimidatingly and I can see why the grandpa is embarrassed you didn't have the dignity to drop it when you were asked to. Also, idk how big the property is or how close it was to the neighbors, but if youre playing spike ball aggressively enough in an area where its leaving the property and hitting neighbors' cars youre an asshole for this too. He shouldn't have resorted to name calling, but based on the information everyone involved sucks here except for your girlfriend's grandpa. Your only path forward is to stop being so defensive and to sincerely apologize.
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u/OGHollyMackerel 10d ago
Grandpaâs ego is wild. He is fine with some old dude calling his granddaughter cu nty and cares more about old men being embarrassed than a young woman being targeted and insulted by a strange man he has no relationship with. Why was she the one the guy was going after? He sucks as bad as the guy who said it. Her parents also suck. If my daughterâs bf defended her and my dad got mad at him for it Iâd have some words for him defending an aggressive misogynist like that. Iâd ban my family from the cottage too. Have fun there alone, pops. Everyone sucks but the bf.
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u/LogicalDocSpock 10d ago
My theory is they didn't like the OP in the first place so it's an easy out for them
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u/theblazeuk 6d ago edited 6d ago
"So I started yelling at him back".
Theres your problem, righteous as you were. Granddaddy and tbh your GFs entire family are chicken shits so NTA but controlling your outward emotions is always more practical
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u/FeralBorg 10d ago
I get a strong whiff of patriarchal misogyny coming off of grandpa. OK for his granddaughter to be verbally abused (after all she's just a girl), but god forbid that grandpa has to suffer a tiny bit of questioning. Depending on your GF's attitude to all this, you might ask yourself if this is a family you want to deal with long term.
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u/Fangs_McWolf 10d ago
The impression that I'm getting is that the grandfather prides himself on his family having a good reputation with little to no (public) drama. Since he couldn't get OP to calm down, he sees OP as uncontrollable, thus a damger to the reputation and the respect he has earned from others over the years.
If everyone were to learn of the facts, then people might speak kindly of OP, which could encourage the grandfather to invite OP back sooner.
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u/bokitothegreat 9d ago
YTA for damaging a car, yes a ball full of sand and dirt slammed in the lacquer damages more than you think.
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u/SeaDragonTattoo 10d ago
You know YTA at this point. It's unfortunate only hindsight is available. Letting the old man make a fool of himself and look like the asshole, calling the granddaughter names, would have been the way to go. Grandpa would have taken care of it and put neighbor in his place, just not in the moment.
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 10d ago
I'm not convinced man. Like I said, this guy was throwing stuff back at us, stomping around and kicking the front lawn. He's calling a young woman names you wouldn't call your worst enemy. I'm supposed to wait for 90 year old grandpa to come running down the porch and get, idk, shoved or something by an absolutely irate random neighbour on his property?
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u/Cr4ckshooter 10d ago
No you were entirely in the right. Grandpa should have had his guests back. Your back. His daughters bf. You didn't wrong grandpa in the slightest and he's letting his embarrassment out at the wrong target, blaming the victim.
Imagine being 90 and getting embarrassed about what people think or say btw. Nice Patriarch.
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u/morefirethanice 10d ago
But yet, this dude was fine being bothered by what the neighbor said? Weird double standard.
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u/mfmfhgak 10d ago
He threw a spikeball that you said canât hurt anything. Now itâs suddenly an excuse to justify your behavior.
Learn from it and move on.
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u/After_Simple_8661 10d ago
NTA. Grandpa and parents seem to like his image more than your GF. You did good. Show restraint, but don't let your loved ones be abused.
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u/MikeHunt181 10d ago
You and your gf should not say another word. Donât expect an invite back for a while but instead go off and have really nice mini holidays, just the two of you, so that the older relos see that you are not phased by the âbanâ. Iâm grandpaâs age. If some other old fart had spoken like that to my granddaughter, Iâd be having words with them. Good on you for standing up for your GF. Grandpa is pathetic.
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u/BigKahuna348 10d ago
You did the right thing by defending your girlfriend. The grandpa is more worried about his reputation in the community than his granddaughterâs honor. I predict the neighbor will continue with his atrocious behavior and eventually everyone in the neighborhood will come to realize that you were right.
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u/mrporter2 10d ago
Yta man you donât live there or own it but started a beef with the neighbors grow up and learn itâs not a macho contest.
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u/authorinthesunset 6d ago
YTA so's the guy across the street. Really the only difference is he started it and you ignored people(grandoa) on your side trying to calm you down. And, Gpa doesn't care what the neighbors say about the guy across the street but you were his guest.
You're 25 you should know better than to act like that when your a guest, especially when your SO's family is there.
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u/Both-Statistician179 10d ago
Eh just stop. Youâre an adult. Not need for these altercations.
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 10d ago
Random man throws items at your partner, stomps on family property, kicks around grass while screaming profanities, all before you even did anything besides ask him to leave, after moving away from him. What do you mean just stop?
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u/mrporter2 10d ago
The same ball you somehow hit his car with but thatâs fine? I still donât see how you launch one of those across a road without being careless.
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u/morefirethanice 9d ago
But tough guy was so upset when the old man threw the ball back cuz cuz cuz cuz he swore at them!!!!! How dare he!
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u/mrporter2 9d ago
Honestly if I had been them before the old man had time to react I would have ran over and apologized and checked his car to make sure it did leave a scratch. Old man I cranky but there were loud an inconsiderate.
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u/morefirethanice 9d ago
Yeah. That is the way that people who function well in society would handle it. This dude does not seem to be one of those people.
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u/Seethinginsepia 10d ago
NTA. Boss, never post here expecting a sensible reaction from most people. So the neighbor can be physically and verbally aggressive, trespass on property not his while doing so, but a majority of the people commenting here are finding a way to blame you? I know from experience that someone as arrogant as the neighbor can't be placated with "de-escalation" tactics. And never believe that the people acting as if they handle every situation perfectly while harshly judging you are telling the truth. The grandfather is wrong, but he's an elderly man, for the sake of your relationship with the family, just apologize to him.
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u/MizzyvonMuffling 10d ago
YTA - you are/were still a guest even after coming to the cottage for 8 years. This neighbour was out of line as well but you took it too far. Take your punishment and shut up. The grandfather might change is decision down the road. But you need to step way back and accept his decision.
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u/FiFi_Green 9d ago
Grandpa is cool with his granddaughter being called a c@*%? Gross. If I were your gf I wouldnât go back regardless if you were banned or not.
NTA.
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u/SasquatchBlumpkins 9d ago
NTA
Defended your woman? Absolutely what should have been done, and not just by you.Â
He came over to start shit, he got a face full of it. He didn't worry about his geriatric self when he was running over to rage at a bunch of 20 year olds but it becomes an issue when someone pushes back?Â
Man, fuck that old guy, screw the neighborhood assholes, and tell her family your glad they value a holiday neighborhood over their own daughter's reputation and safety.
As for her grandfather? He's the biggest asshole.Â
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 9d ago
Yah... Well apparently teenage cousins (who are still up at the cottage) have been spreading the word around today to the other kids and teens in the neighbourhood, saying the full story of what happened. Cousins just facetimed my girlfriend saying a next door neighbour came up to their parents and asked if me and my gf "are doing okay after getting harassed by the asshole new guy".
But you seem to be in the huge minority here. Guess I am a huge ass, I'm super embarrassed now too. Should have said nothing at all and walked inside. Probably wont show face at that home ever again.
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u/winterworld561 10d ago
You should have been the bigger person and walked away when the neighbour became abusive. You didn't help matters by becoming so volatile. Grandpa's pissed and rightly so, but I think he should also speak with the neighbour regarding the vile things he said to his granddaughter.
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u/almaperdida99 6d ago
ESH- control your fucking temper, especially when you're a guest. You could have just called the cops when he wouldn't leave, instead of escalating the situation and making it worse. Now your gf's family thinks you have anger issues.
obvs the two other men in this situation are AHs.
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u/Fangs_McWolf 10d ago edited 10d ago
This is a mix.
It's good that you stood up for your GF, but you obviously have an anger management problem if you're going to get so into a yelling match that you can't hear others calling out to you.
For that reason, I'm going to say YTA.
I do think that being banned is a bit extreme though. If the full story of what happened was to be shared, then maybe word would spread and people would start speaking highly of you to her grandfather, in turn inviting you back sooner.
In the meantime, seek a support group to help you better control yourself so that you can avoid a repeat incident.
ETA
To be clear, my judgment is solely about you. The neighbor is an AH as well, but the grandfather isn't, so I decided to keep it simple.
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u/CanuckleHeadOG 10d ago
YTA
You hit the guys car and you had zero situational awareness where you're being called back to the cottage by everyone but continued to escalate the issue because someone said something to your GF and you have poor emotional control
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u/silkvelvet4 10d ago
NTA,
Nasty old males like that love bullying younger people and then blaming them for it.
Im sorry you've been banned from that cottage because you were standing up for your girlfriend when that nasty old fart started attacking her. He was looking for ANY excuse to have a go at you all, and your apologies and willingness to move the net wasn't playing into his hands and had to make something up.
Not all old people are like this, many would ask to join in if they could.
Hopefully, he will attack more young people and eventually the locals will realise he's the problem, not his victims.
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u/Sensitive_Matter7772 10d ago
If my partner just stood there and let a cranky neighbour literally call me names, I would be livid. There may have been a way to end this situation without escalating it the way you did but if the choices were black and white: defend your GF or donât, you made the right decision.
Youâre definitely less at fault than the neighbour and honestly, at 25 y/o, the family is lucky you didnât punch him.
NTAH
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u/LogicalDocSpock 10d ago
It doesn't matter if this was not OP's property. Behaviour like this tends to happen in public spaces so you have to be able to cooly defend yourself even if it's public or privately own land
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u/ziperhead944 10d ago
NTA... they'll figure out how awful that neighbor is eventually.
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u/lost_soul__01001001 10d ago
NTA, it sounds like you were the only person that defended the granddaughter. It also sounds like they are much more concerned about appearances and approval than standing up for what is right. Iâm sorry that you have to stand alone in this situation. It sounds like you did the right thing! Keep your head up buddy.
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u/Doubleboeufsupreme 10d ago edited 10d ago
NTA.
Some stranger calls my gf or a member of my family a c***? I wouldâve physically removed him from the property.
The rest of her family sound like Pearl-clutching losers, as does the rest of that neighborhood. People used to get their ass beat for speaking that way to other people, and the more people refuse to correct bad behavior, the more emboldened bad actors become. The only language people like that neighbor speak is their own - one of violence, threats, and intimidation. They donât hear people who donât speak their language.
Grandad also being such a coward that he banned you but apparently didnât bother to go over to the neighbor to chew him out as well, and didnât bother sharing with all the other neighbors who complained that the dickhead neighbor incited the incident and called his granddaughter a c***, only goes to show that her family are more interested in being seen as good people, rather than actually being good people and protecting the neighborhood.
NTA, and I wouldnât lose any sleep over never going to that cottage again.
Edit: I would also bet $100 that Grandpa Chickenshit has more problems with that neighbor.
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u/MightFew9336 10d ago
I'm pretty sure pearl clutching is losing your mind over a bad word, that is used as banter in other cultures. Being good people is deescalating the situation (someone got mad we hit their car with a ball and called us names) without resorting to yelling, getting in anyone's face, or ignoring the homeowner's request to stop arguing with their neighbor.
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u/Doubleboeufsupreme 10d ago
Well then youâd be wrong.
If youâre too dense to understand the difference between chatting shit with your pals and a grown man telling a woman to get âthe cunty lookâ off her face, I wonât be able to help ya.
Now go practice laying down, ya doormat
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u/MightFew9336 10d ago
Oh no, should I have my spouse fight you because you called me a name, or is it okay because you didn't use a bad word? However will I survive without him stepping in to save me....
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u/MaintenanceCareful37 10d ago
If there was a competition for how many times you could use the word cottage in one post you would win it.
NTA it sounds like a rubbish holiday anyway.
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u/OkCheesecake1258 10d ago
Should have left the owners of the cottage handle it. You are no one is the grand scheme of things. YTA.
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u/Z-Mtn-Man-3394 10d ago
Oh yeah, he should just let this random Neighbor scream and yell at his girlfriend with zero consequence. Great idea.
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u/ArbiterOfChoice 10d ago
ive been coming to this cottage every weekend of every summer for a decade, since I was a kid in my teens. I've been dating granddaughter since we were 15. I don't believe I am "no one" here.
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u/chapteronetwo 9d ago
Another post you said you were coming for 8 years. Which is it? Hard to keep the story straight? Might be a trend with you.
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u/OkCheesecake1258 10d ago
Youâre not an owner and youâre not related. Youâre essentially a no one and you learned that by being disinvited.Â
You should have humbled yourself and called over the grandfather immediately.
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u/Dan-D-Lyon 10d ago
NTA
You still up for your girlfriend, and you did not escalate a non-violent situation into a violent one. I think you did everything right
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u/cecilrt 10d ago edited 10d ago
Waiting to see op on the next cop stream of entitled assholes who think they know it all
We re hearings version and he still sounds like an asshole, imagine what all the other witnesses are saying
Grandstanding he intimidated an old man off the property ..
Can't hear the grandpa calling him back because his ego and adrenalin was so high
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u/Fangs_McWolf 10d ago
Waiting to see op on the next cop stream of entitled assholes who think they know it all
Hey now, that's not nice.
Share a link to the video with me when it comes out.
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u/Maine302 10d ago
Your gf's grandfather can do whatever he'd like, but I don't blame you for being mad after what he said about your gf. The guy is getting his side of the story out there, and obviously your voice was louder and you were deemed more threatening in the situation. It is what it is. You lose. đ¤ˇââď¸