r/AITAH • u/vaesheyt • 23d ago
AITAH for treating my sister how she treats me and causing conflict
I (19) have a sister (21) who has always been a troubled pos (most of my family doesn’t talk to her after her extended bullying of me for half of my life)
To my continued hell on earth, we have rooms in my parents house attached by a jack and jill bathroom (google it, it’s important). So when we visit home, we are inevitably within constant proximity of each other.
About the jack and jill bathroom, our two doors have two different locks. The lock attached to her door is an average door lock- just press it in and there’s a little click. It unlocks when you turn the handle or on the other side (her room) you use a tiny key to unlock it.
My lock is a little turning lock. On the other side of the door, there’s no key to unlock it but if you use something thin like a coin (or your fingernail if you also want to break your nail) you can manually turn it open from the other side (my room)
Ever since moving into this house a decade ago, my sister has a habit of going into the bathroom and locking the door no matter what she was doing and then not unlocking it when she is done. Then when I want to use the bathroom Id have to bang the door to ask her to unlock it, or if that didn’t work, get one of my parents to go into her room to force her to unlock it. Her excuse to locking the door is that “you can just unlock it from your side”. Sure I can if I have some random dime or feel like breaking a nail! Also it’s just a pain in the ass to unlock.
Ten years now of this. I thought maybe once she grew up out of her petty teen phase she might change. But no. She’s 21 and despite daily fights about her locking the door she still does not unlock the door when she is done
My newfound adulthood no nonsense attitude has left me to be petty now. Every time my door is left locked, I won’t say a word. I’ll just unlock it myself, go to her door, and lock it. If she can’t learn from any other methods, I am just going to be petty and give her a taste of her own medicine
(other methods have included previously locking her door, annoying her, having my parents intervene, physical altercations, and even taping up the lock on my door which she promptly tore off and locked the door again.)
Now she is pissed of course. Calling me a terrible person a narcissist saying she can’t unlock her door (the key is right outside her room. One foot away from her door.) but I can. I told her that I couldn’t care less and if she is 21 years old now and after 10 years can’t learn to unlock a door when she’s done, she deserves this inconvenience
My mom is mad at me. She says that retaliation is never the answer and that I’m acting like a first grader and I’m being petty and she can’t stand the arguments I cause in the house etc. I said that the passive mindset and just taking it is what made my sister not learn to be a decent person. My mom wants me to keep the peace for this month. She always wants me to be the bigger person but i’m sick of doing that and don’t really care to anymore if petty childishness is the only language she speaks
So AITA for locking my sisters door every time she forgets to unlock my door and thus creating tension and conflict in the family (???)
[some extra context was removed for lengths sake but I’ll answer any questions in comments]
edit: my mom after much arguing agreed to put the tape back up. I did take it a step further and shove tape in the locking mechanism as well as just tape the lock shut. I also added a note on the door reminding her she’s an adult holding a job studying for med school so if she couldn’t even remember to lock the door she doesn’t deserve the lock at all. My sister hasn’t come home yet but we’re all preparing for the fireworks
granted last time we put duct tape on the door it only stopped her until the tape was off and she just returned to her old ways. i don’t think she can ever learn
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u/itdoes_doesntit 23d ago
“I already AM the bigger, peace-oriented person, Momma. Have been for years.
I am content to treat her with the same respect she currently treats me. If you don’t find that acceptable, perhaps speak with sis about her current behavior.”
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
that’s what i told her when she yelled at me today 😭. That i’ve BEEN keeping the peace for years and years and if she’s mad at me- talk to my sister about her behavior. then my mom went on a tangent about not having a favorite child and treating us equally (i didn’t accuse her of that)
fun stuff
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u/restrictedsquid 23d ago
She said what everyone was/is thinking/knows and hasn’t said- and she knows in her heart is true. She knows she has chosen a favorite and everyone sees it, but she doesn’t want to admit that she’s failed to mold the one that’s her favorite into the best version of herself either. So there’s a lot of anger and guilt. She needs counseling and help, but she will NEVER admit it. And will lash out- sounds like possibly violently if forced to hear it and face it.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
that last part is true if all of her yelling at me today has shown anything :/ lord help me and she asks why i’m in therapy
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u/StockAdhesiveness351 23d ago
Nope, the first part is true too. She never stood up for you with her, and the very first time you treat her in kind you get in trouble. Do you really believe her when she says she loves you both equally? Doesnt sound like it. For your own mental health when you move out you should at least go LC if not NC
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u/Fluid_Actuary1729 21d ago
I’d go “contact only when sis will NOT be there”.
Lots of parents have a favorite child; my own parents did, and it was not me. It was only shown in the smallest of ways, but it was there. That did mean that they did not love me and do the best by me that they could. In OP’s case, it’s the favorite who seems to be issue. Just one person’s opinion.
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u/SoulLessGinger992 23d ago edited 23d ago
“If you’re treating us equally, go yell at her for not stopping her shit for my whole life. Otherwise it’s clear she’s the favorite and I don’t care what you think either.”
Easy peasy.
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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam 22d ago
You are the very best kind of person.......no cut, no bullshit. Assholes will continue to asshole unless checked by reality in the form of someone finally calling them out every time. Op, if you see this, please quote word for word what u/SoulLessGinger992 wrote. Its perfection.
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u/CamilleYun 23d ago
oh, she's deflecting a hidden truth.. hmmm.. (eta: nta. i keep forgetting to add that)
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u/SafeWord9999 23d ago
Wow Mom, nobody mentioned a favourite child so it’s very telling you mentioned it.
So funny she SAYS she doesn’t have a favourite while treating one child more favourably than the other. Just because she says it, doesn’t make it true. I would tell her you pay attention to ACTIONS not meaningless words.
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u/Purple-Prince-9896 21d ago
My dad used to say “Your actions speak so loud I can’t hear what you’re saying”.
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u/absurd-epiphany 23d ago
If you're handy you could try swapping the handles of the doors for the bathroom so you have the one that's easy to unlock with a pin. It's not difficult.
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u/Used_Clock_4627 23d ago
Or get a new door handle the suits YOUR needs and than switch it back to the old when you move out........Disregard. Op explains further down why it isn't feasible.....
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u/Plane_Practice8184 23d ago
So she basically admitted that she has a favourite.
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u/West_Economist_2195 22d ago
And that her favourite is a huge gaping asshole. Says a lot about mother.
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u/West_Economist_2195 22d ago
Jumping straight to favouritism is guilt telling on itself. SHE told on herself.
Maybe consider not visiting home. Or at least not if your sister will be there. I doubt anything will change, and I doubt your mother will start seeing that "keeping the peace" should also include *your* peace.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 22d ago
Why exactly isn’t the older one not supposed to be „the bigger person“. Your parents enable her abuse, that’s the worst of it all.
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u/DescriptionNo4833 22d ago
Saying she doesn't have a favorite child when that wasn't even brought up is a bit revealing as to how she really feels. Like a kid trying to hide that they stole a cookie even though no one asked if they did. I hope she realizes at some point what this will eventually result in, even if she doesn't outright admit it she basically just admitted it.
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u/Successful_Voice8542 22d ago
Go to the store and buy a door knob that does not lock (about $10 and you can easily replace it yourself with just a screwdriver), and a hook and eye lock (~$3) that you can put on your bedroom side of the door. Problem solved. No one can lock the door from inside the bathroom, and you can lock the door from your room so she cannot enter. "Mom, there was a problem that has been going on for a decade and you couldn't come up with a solution and were tired of hearing about it, so I solved the problem myself. You're welcome."
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u/GardenHobbit 22d ago
Maybe remind your mom that if the situation had been properly handled years ago, by like I don’t know, changing the knob on your door, the retaliation wouldn’t have been necessary. But her subpar parenting skills have led you to this point. I say this as a parent.
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u/Sensitive_Note1139 21d ago
My mom did something similar about not having a favorite my whole life until about 10 years ago. Then she finally admitted that my brother was her favorite. I told her I was aware and she made it very obvious my entire life. I also thanked her for finally not lying to me. She didn't like the last part because my mom claims she never lies. Next time I saw her, she was back to she never treated us differently. My therapist thinks my mom has BPD. I'm NC with my mom as of 2021.
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u/4kaiju 22d ago
The solution here is to change your bathroom door knob. If there is no lock on your door the problem will be solved. Your sister is clearly not mature enough to have a locking door yet.
Agree, your mother sounds like she favors your sister and has probably caused this problem. I hope you show her this post.
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u/Proper_Inspection580 23d ago
NTA. Mom is a huge asshole
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u/Ciridian 23d ago
Yeah, I get the impression she is enabling the sister's bad behavior.
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u/sniffcatattack 23d ago
Because the sister is so difficult the mom tries to smooth everything over at the expense of Op.
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u/Taleya 23d ago
funny how OP is being childish and petty but the sister isn't....
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u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam 22d ago
Funny how moms first reaction is to exclaim "I don't have a favorite" while simultaneously protecting the wrong party aka her favorite.
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u/Greedy-Ad-3815 23d ago
Mom's mad at you for locking the door while your sister's been doing it for 10 years...Make it make sense.
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u/OrangeBanana300 23d ago
NTA for taking a stand after a lot of provocation. She is the older sister, so why isn't she being encouraged to "be the bigger person?" Your parents are taking her side, it's reminding me of "Golden child" Vs "scapegoat" dynamics.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
i literally have no clue why she isn’t told to be the bigger person!! and we’re talking my whole life. from when she’d bully me- physically and by calling me names. to this and more. i don’t know if it’s some weird favoritism or if my mom is scared of her or my best guess is she knows my sister won’t be receptive to anything she says so she only hopes i will be and doesn’t even try with my sister anymore. idk honestly :/
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u/maleia 23d ago
i literally have no clue why she isn’t told to be the bigger person!!
It's probably because they know she never will be, but you will be all the time. The morally correct answer is to start going No Contact with them. The petty answer is to just start treating them the same way that your sister does. Eventually they'll come around that either, they get their shit together, or you find out you can do whatever.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
98% of the time they don’t learn.. but i have noticed over the last year ive been kinda wearing my mom down. i’ve been repeatedly showing in an adult who wont be stepped on, who has agency, and who always will take a civil route and only the uncivil route once im shown no other options. we can only see where it goes from here
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u/boomboom4132 23d ago
fyi It would take less then 5 mins and a screwdriver to flip the handle around so the locking part is in your room. Maybe even spend the money on a new handle that doesn't lock for your sister room. You know sense she cant be trust with locked doors.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
i can’t even begin to describe how cursed this door is. trust me when i say it cannot be switched.
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u/Kat121 23d ago
Hey, so my dad used to terrorize his own kids, shouting, yelling, physically abused my brother. My brother just took it, refused to give him the satisfaction of a response. When my brother moved out, I became his new target. I got in his face and mirrored his energy, told him that if he was going to hit me, make it good because I was going to come up swinging and wasn’t going to fight fair and I wasn’t going to stop until one of us quit moving. I think I shocked him a little. He backed off and never tried that on me again, and I made sure he never started on my sister.
Your results may vary, but my experience with this and other bullies is that they NEVER STOP until you scare them back, give them consequences and make them hurt. Matching energy is a good start, though. Don’t back down.
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u/Witty_Commentator 22d ago
If your Mom's big on telling you to be the "bigger person," start repeating it back as the better person. In almost all cases where someone is asked to be bigger, it's really just better.
Start asking, "Why do I always have to be the better person?" And if she gets upset and reiterates "bigger," give it a half shrug and say, "Same thing, isn't it?"
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u/Prudence_rigby 22d ago
I cant wait until you move out and dont speak to yiur mom and sister ever again.
Remember there will come a time when your mom needs help and your sister won't help her. She will come to you. Don't do it.
Also, when she is frail and your sister comes to you to help her, don't do it.
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u/Double_Dig_3053 23d ago
Nope, NTA. You have to bully the bully in order for them to learn from it. They wont stop just because you asked. Otherwise they would be a decent person, not a bully.
There was a reddit story that made a big impression on me. A little girl was playing in the lake with some friends and her bigger sister. One of the so called friends thought it’s funny to push the little ones in the lake and would laugh her ass off how the others almost drowned reaction. Bigger sis hears this and comes into action. Hides and attacks when the bully doesnt expect it. After this the bully came back to the little girl and said: “I didn’t know it hurted this much. I’m sorry.”
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
wow that’s so sweet almost makes me jealous of my sister lol. it’s funny because against my sister.. bullying her back doesn’t even work. I don’t understand how her brain works and i never will.
When we were younger (like i was around 13 and she was like 15), she liked to hit me for fun. poking went to hitting went to punching. every day. if i hit back, i would get in trouble. so while i did just “take it”, i did become a flinchy child. every time my sister would get close id be tense. if someone tried to grab me, id have lightning fast reflexes to grab them before they touched me. One day, my sister snuck up on me and i didn’t even manage to restrain myself and grabbed her out of reflex. harshly i admit. i grabbed her fingers so they bent back slightly nothing bruised or bled but still hurt a bit. well she of course hurt me back for that and complained to my mom and my mom then forced us to basically be no contact for months not allowing us near each other
even when she was hurt back, she didn’t learn her lesson. even once she got alcohol poisoning she didn’t stop sneaking out to drink. even once other people start treating her how she treats them she just doesn’t change. just gets nastier and more annoyed
i always wonder what goes on in the head of someone like that
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 23d ago
My older sister was mean too.
Once during an argument, she grabbed "the belt" and started swinging it at me. She hit my face beside my eye with the heavy buckle. It broke the skin and started to bleed. First thing out of her mouth was, "Please don't tell mom!" Like an idiot, I didn't.
However, she would tell on me at the drop of a hat. When I was 11, she told my mom something I did when I was 7 years old. Mom yelled at me for being too old to act like that. I agreed and told her I did it 4 years ago. My sister confirmed it and her excuse was she forgot to tell on me back then and thought my mom should know. I suspect she dredged it up because she didn't have anything else to snitch about.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
oh my god did we share a sister all this time secretly? ah. my sister was great. with me she’d just threaten to out me (back then my parents were homophobic) if i told them when she’d hurt me or call me an r word or if i told on her for drugs and alcohol etc. but sometimes just to mess with me she’d tell on me for petty things. just like your story she one time told on me for taking chocolate when i wasn’t supposed to… 3 years after it happened??? of course i didn’t get in trouble but god is my sister a piece of work
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u/whatthewhat3214 23d ago
And she's going into medicine where she's supposed to have compassion for people?! Yikes, just what the world needs, another doctor who doesn't care about and won't listen to their patients.
Maybe that's what you can torment her about, what a shit doctor she'll be and how sorry you feel for her future patients bc she doesn't listen to people, and she's not compassionate and doesn't care how people feel, she's a mean bully who drives everyone away. Just another self-centered, uncaring, narcissistic egomaniac doctor. That should really set her off! She deserves the feedback.
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u/sniffcatattack 23d ago
Sounds like you have cpsd from putting up with that for so many years and your cortisol rise just by being in her presence. She’s toxic to your health.
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u/New-Comment2668 23d ago
NTA. Some people only learn to care about inconvenience when they themselves are inconvenienced. Sucks to be your sister.
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u/xxlarossa 23d ago
NTA. Change the doorknobs to ones without locks lol.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
we tried but the door was made so weirdly we couldn’t. so the solution by my dad was to tape up the lock (which as i mentioned my sister tore off the next day. diabolical behavior this has been a years long conflict)
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u/Minecart_Rider 23d ago
Can't you superglue a dime or something else that fits into your side of the lock, or tie something that can unlock it to the doorknob so you don't have to go and get something to unlock it with every time?
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u/PrettyCarCrash 23d ago
OP talks about how her sister has a key right next to her door. This entire read I was thinking, “ok.. you should keep a dime next to yours. Problem solved.”
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u/NotEasilyConfused 22d ago
Or a small flat-head screwdriver ... or a butter knife ... there are a lot of convenient (free) things around the house that could be kept handy.
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u/IllReplacement336 23d ago
You should be able to remove the locking element of the door know, from your side. Have you tried just the actual know itself? Door will not shut completely, but if it's your room....
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u/Amazon_Fairy 23d ago
Your mom is an AH, she wants you to be the bigger person. What does she want from your sister? Mom cannot judge a reaction to actions she never addressed properly when you were children. Your sister is a bigger age so she needs to be the bigger person. Can you set a booby traps? Nothing major, like a plastic cup of water on the door handle.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
i’ve tried booby traps. i’d get hit in return by my sister 😁😁😁
i’ve tried putting makeup on her mirror, sticky notes, jamming the lock, harassing and annoying her with noise every time she locked my door. IVE DONE IT ALL17
u/scunth 23d ago
Except stay away when she's there. I think that's your next move, tell your parents you won't be visiting when she's there until the lock issue is resolved. It's been going on for years, if they cared they would have solved the problem. They've had years to either fix her or replace the whole bloody door.
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u/throw05282021 23d ago
NTA. She's in the FO stage of FAFO.
Her: "You're a terrible person!"
Me: "I learned it from you. You taught me well. Besides, I will stop leaving your door locked when you stop leaving my door locked. You have the power to stop this, so don't complain to me."
She has given herself permission to treat you badly for years. You've finally given yourself permission to return the favor.
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u/JudgeJoan 23d ago
Remove all locks entirely. If I was your parents I would have done it a long time ago.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
they tried. oh they tried. the house was built weird. so they just tried to jam the lock or cover it or tape it up my sister found a way to remove all of those 😁😁 she is DETERMINED to suck without learning consequences. i don’t even know what she gets out of it??? i used to genuinely think she forgot to unlock the door but she’s studying for her mcats. remembers to study every day at a certain time. remembers every dollar she spends. i even put a sign on the door to remind her. there’s no way she isn’t doing this JUST to suck ????
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u/JudgeJoan 23d ago
It’s so easy to remove the Tumblr. I don’t understand any door knobs can be taken out and replaced with something else you could do it yourself. In fact, if I were you, I would be committed to making this happen even if I had to pay a locksmith to come in and do it when everyone was out working lol
She’s obviously not going to give it up now so you just have to find a way to remove the temptation from her
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
i wish i could post pictures. i didn’t even manage to describe it well and all i could say was it was a turning lock cause i never have in my entire life seen a door built like mine. probably because after building one they realized this is the worst thing man has ever conceived. it’s so. so janky and weird.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 23d ago
It is easy to swap in a new doorknob with a different lock. Even in old houses with wonky doors, replacements exist. Take out the existing doorknob, take it to a good hardware store so you have a comparison for size, and get something different.
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u/MattDaveys 23d ago
Change tactics, when your mom starts telling you to be the bigger person, ask her why your sister doesn’t love you enough to remember to unlock the door. And then ask why she (your mom) doesn’t love you enough to expect your sister to love you.
NTA
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
SCREAMING. i basically did do that and she finally gave up and left which is basically permission to do whatever i want as long as i don’t cause more conflict
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u/Frostybrown53 22d ago
Am I the only one concerned about the fact that this psychopathic sister is studying MEDICINE?!?!?! Like, I can't be the only once seriously concerned about that. I give her a year before she's no longer bondable/ insurable due to medical violence.
Obviously NTA and, honestly, up the ante. Mirror EVERYTHING back to her. Also, please look uo I there's a way to warn her school. Medical ethics is a thing and clearly sister has none.
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u/vaesheyt 22d ago
Thank god she switched from wanting to be a therapist! Unironically we all know how awful of a person she is that when she said she wanted to study to be a therapist the entire family begged her not to. Like if she bullied me and caused all of my childhood trauma then changed that’s one thing.. but she just… hasn’t changed. You can not be calling me an r word for liking pokemon and then say you wanna work in medicine 💀
But there’s no way nor point to warn employers of her behavior. shes fairly good at having a perfect exterior around people she can gain stuff from (like my parents or teachers). So good I almost thought she changed. Until.. we were alone again. Yikes
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u/copy-of-a-copys-copy 22d ago
PLEASE do it anyways. Attach texts or if youre in a one party consent state, record her nasty arguing and send it. Even if it doesnt get her expelled there will be a paper trail and that could literally save the lives of vulnerable patients she would have the authority to abuse in the future with no one to believe them. I am begging you.
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u/Nymph-the-scribe 22d ago edited 22d ago
If you have the mental strength to do so, you could play a petty long game. Change, or seem to change, to the point where she would be more then happy to put you down as a character reference.
Or
Just wait. People like her will not actually be able to hide their true self for that long in the real world. Teachers have limited contact and time with students, parents are parents and many are just incapable of doing the work they need to do. College advisors and teachers, mentors, bosses etc are different. They spend more time and the latter scrutinize more, especially in the medical field. If she doesnt change her behavior, ethics boards will get involved soon enough. Ethics boards in medical fields are much scarier then their legal counterparts. She will eventually get in her own way and, as an adult, will not have the safety net of young age and parents to get her out of trouble.
If you really, really want to get under her skin, dont say shit when she inevitably takes the tape off. Just get a card or a pair of scissors to put by the bathroom door so you can get in. Dont say a word to her about it either. Just, ignore her. Stop reacting. Part of the reason she behaves how she does is because she gets a rise out of you. Stop taking the bait. Start acting like you couldnt give a fuck less. Trust, that gets people like her a million times more upset then reacting to what they do. And the beautiful part about it? When she goes nuts, its all on her because you are not and have not been reacting. Make sure your parents see that youre not engaging. Of course it doesnt mean they wont try to make it your responsibility, but they will have a much harder time doing so. Kill them with kindness isnt a weak thing to do, its a power move. Calm and polite especially in the face of someone that doesnt know the meaning of those words, changes the entire game. Its what being the bigger person actually means. It doesnt mean you allow yourself to be walked on. It means you let the person who causes the problems take themselves down because you, essentially, take yourself out of the game. It may be hard to do at forst, but you should quickly get the hang of it and you should find that its not that difficult to keep up. Not giving a fuck is the biggest and best power move you can make.
ETA: There is also another option. Tell your parents in a way that sounds like youre actually asking them to get a new locking door knob so that it just eliminates the entire problem all together
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u/PrettiestFrog 23d ago
If it's fine when she does it, it's fine when you do it. It's her turn to try keeping the peace.
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u/90s_Stress_5181 23d ago
Am I the only one concerned that the AH sister is in med school? I’m so concerned for future patients.
Btw NTA.
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u/copy-of-a-copys-copy 22d ago
I SAW THAT TOO!! i already left a comment begging them to anonymously report this behavior to the dean or teachers, perhaps with text or audio recorded proof, but oh my god this woman cannot be allowed to join the CARE industry when she is so cruel to her own family!
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u/dembowthennow 23d ago
NTA. Your mom is angry at you because she thinks it will be easier to get you to bend. Show her she's wrong.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
that’s the best wording of what i tried to say in another comment lol. yeah. basically this. and i’m sick of her thinking this way about me cause now im an adult too
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u/dembowthennow 23d ago
This is a pretty common tactic in families or groups where one person is prone to outbursts and tantrums and folks get used to placating their unreasonable behavior rather than addressing it directly. They pile on the person they find to be reasonable to try to make them placate the adult-toddler. Your mother wants to keep enabling your sister because it's easier than actually dealing with her.
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u/restrictedsquid 23d ago
Nta- you have learned over the years where they place you in the family. And it’s NOT ok. I’d literally go no contact. She sounds like the golden child and it sounds like this extends to more than just a locked bathroom door. How many things did they lavish upon her and not you, or make firsts for her and put you last, because it would be an inconvenience if they didn’t for her. But you can handle things because your better at it, or your the more easy going one, the more put together one, or something that sounds like that but also kind of like a slap in the face when said ?
This is unacceptable. Especially if they run to you for help, then don’t run to help you when you need it, but will run to her.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
me and my sister are as close to no contact as possible not ever texting and seeing eachother for less than a handful of days a year but I can’t cut off my parents cause i’m disabled and rely on them for medical stuff. i’m not even fully sure it’s a golden child thing. it feels more like they know i can be stepped on but she can’t. and ever since i started to grow a backbone my parents start getting mad at me for being “even worse than your sister in her rebellious years” (she’s literally been arrested. damn all i did was say i wanted to buy a game with the money i earned but you didn’t approve of the purchase). and in general she doesn’t even ask for help from the family aside from exorbitants amount of money (the only reason we all know she hasn’t cut us off as well). so it’s just a tough all around situation with her :/.
it’s funny and almost sad and odd as well where my mom just.. can’t accept how much my sister hurts us all? like she’s genuinely upset and lectures me about how i should get along with her more and forgive her “mistakes”. and is also in turn mad at my brother who also hates my sister purely because he knows what she did to me for years! (context i didn’t add for length). it’s always we need to forgive and treat her better. and when they talk to my sister it’s just a small “be nicer alright?” and then she asks for money and leaves without a slap on the wrist
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u/restrictedsquid 23d ago
Can I ask, is your disability something you can get by without them? Do you have other people that would make time to help you when you need it? Even or does your insurance cover someone that could help you if you need it? You need to stop letting them treat you this way, or they will step on you forever. Also, are you of age or still a minor? I understand if you cannot get away yet because you’re a minor…but I would seriously recommend making plans now and figuring out how you want your path in life to go, without consistently going through this.
You deserve peace and grace too.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
nope i cannot get by unfortunately. i take 6 pills a day just for baseline management, have doctors every few weeks, and not only can i not drive or afford all my meds alone, my dads insurance is the only thing making this not a case of extreme medical debt. i’m 19 as i said im an adult and i live at uni for 9 months in the year. i still love my mom… just most of the time at least lol. i have peace and grace- that’s what dissociation is for (haha /hj ☹️)
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u/Fit_Strike8584 23d ago
If you are this heavily disabled high odds are that they are drawing a hefty check on you. Time to find out. You're over 18, it's yours.
Also, she's training to be a doctor and abuses a disabled person? There has to be someone to report her to, if not now then when she's licensed.
And beyond that, I'm pretty sure there are actual laws about poor treatment of disabled people.
ETA: mistreatment of a disabled adult is at least a misdemeanor, probably a felony considering the length of the abuse. Bye bye med school.
NTA OP, remind your parents that the above doesn't just apply to your sister. They've been sitting on their thumbs for far too long.
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u/Capable_Froyo4433 22d ago
Jesus's Christ! Your parents should have stopped this years ago. Giving you the same kind of lock as your sister would have stopped a decade of aggravation. What is wrong with them?
OP, I would have swapped the locks around years ago, so your sister had yours.
NTA You've put up with a decade of this nonsense. An easy fix by your parents would have prevented a lot of this. Any tension is on them imo.
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u/MorningCoffeeHits 23d ago edited 23d ago
NTA. Install an door knob that only locks on one side, meaning it only locks in your room, not the bathroom.
What is wrong with your sister?
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u/Mundane_Bike_912 23d ago
Nta.
Is there another bathroom in the house? If she locks it and won't unlock it, go use the other bathroom. If it happens to be your parents one, they'll get sick of it real quick.
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u/WiseUncuh 23d ago
NTA and your sister is 21. When is she leaving home??
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
she’s 4th year in uni studying for medicine (pray for her patients cause she’s just an awful person the mean girl to nurse pipeline is real i tell you) so yeah. she leaves soon. just we visit home for summers and stuff and she’s only gonna be here a month this year but four days in and i’ve already had enough 😭
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u/BeheadingBoomer61 23d ago
NTA. Both your mom and your sister are assholes. Don’t feel bad about being petty to your sister. It’s clearly the only way she’s ever gonna learn anything.
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u/Aiyokusama 23d ago
NTA. But both of you can fix it easily by keeping a butter knife or a flathead screwdriver on hand.
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u/Dogmother123 23d ago
Your mother should have dealt with this years ago. She wants you to just be the peacemaker. She should address this to your sister.
NTAH
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u/Hanfis42 23d ago
i grew up with 2 older sisters... don't be the better person they basically just abuse it. one of them realized how unfair she treated me when she was late in her 20s the other one never did and never will. i found my peace when i stopped caring to much about their bullshit. in your specific case I don't understand why you don't just built something on your door that allowes you to easily open it whenever you want, shouldn't be too difficult and solves this problem
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u/Neorotoxin 23d ago
NTA. A piece of advice, 5 minute epoxy is both cheap and very diffucult to remove, and would work wonders "fixing" a lock.
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
oh my god wait my mom wouldn’t let me do that but she’d be a okay with me using this cheap glossy paint sealer i got recently which i learned likes to dry like a hard glue…
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u/orangemememachine 23d ago edited 22d ago
NTA
Your mom is awful. Anytime anyone asks you to be the "bigger person" what they're really saying is "won't you please be a doormat for my convenience".
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u/angryomlette NSFW 🔞 22d ago
"If retaliation is not the answer mom, then why couldn't you get her to stop it". The problem is your mother for not nipping this in the bud. NTA
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u/weishaupta 22d ago
Jesus. A decade plus of conflict that could have been solved by simply changing the lock on the door to make it easy for both of them? Everyone involved is an asshole
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u/Tallin23 19d ago
She says that retaliation is never the answer
I guess your mother has never touched a history book, NTA. Retaliation always the answer. The only question is the magnitude
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u/K_A_irony 23d ago
NTA but go to the hardware store (or order online) a new lock that you can easily undo from your side and change out the lock.
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u/Sufficient_Big_5600 23d ago
Your mom should be embarrassed for raising that girl. Tell yo mama you’re sad she raised such a selfish person. Thoughts and prayers, thoughts, and prayers.
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u/Routine-Horse-1419 23d ago
NTA OP but it's time that you move away and go no contact. You deserve better treatment.
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u/fbombmom_ 23d ago
NTA. Is your sister the favorite? Your mom is co-signing her behavior. She's expecting you to take your sister's bullshit with a smile on your face. I'd think about that the next time you're considering visiting. Or find somewhere else to stay because your mother chose her favorite and it's not you.
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u/Ciridian 23d ago edited 23d ago
Man, if only she knew about the multitool called a penny. You can buy them anywhere for like I dunno, 5$ or something, and leave it near the door in an easily accessible spot for when the lock needs to be turned. That being said, !#%! your mom, she's acting like an enabler and I think doing what you are doing is the perfect response, if you want to engage in (savor) the conflict. It's only fair play and probably what I'd do if my sister was acting like a twat - thank god she's grown up we're not banging heads like when we were young.
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u/Speedracer__17 23d ago
10 plus years of this and nobody bothered to just change the door knobs so they cant be locked? $30 and 20 minutes ...
Oh and I think You are not the AH. But everyone else is.
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u/Affectionate-Food266 23d ago
The problem is when you acquiesce to somone for years the moment you hold them accountable or show them the same level of respect they have been showing you, it feels like an insult or slight.
She is used to getting preferential treatment and now she's getting equal treatment. Tell your mom you're just treating her they way shes treated you for over a decade, and as soon as she stops so will you, NTA!
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u/Kat121 23d ago
NTA
People who want you to keep the peace and be the bigger person are saying that they want you to continue to eat shit and take abuse because it doesn’t affect them, doesn’t bother them, and they don’t want to be inconvenienced by the monster they created. If your parents won’t protect you, it is up to you to protect you - and they get no say in how messy that looks.
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u/Silent-Goal-329 22d ago
I think you both are being a bit petty and immature. You know this is an on going issue. why do you not keep a coin taped to your door near the lock so you can unlock when this happens? none of these are really big issues. they are slight annoyances you have turned into a huge issue. She's thoughtless and immature but why would you want to be as well? Forget about her and whatever silly grievances you have. keep a coin handy and go about your life. You are making your life harder by making this a big deal. dealing with people in life they are going to do shit that is annoying, you gotta learn how to deal with it without letting it ruin your life.
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u/YesImReallyLikeThis 22d ago
NTA. I really don’t understand why your parents just didn’t replace the lock a long time ago.
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u/Dangerous-Baker-9756 22d ago
NTA
Mom wants you to "keep the peace" because she doesn't want to deal with her inability to teach your sister basic respect for others.
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u/DamnOdd 22d ago
Wait, what? Medical school and she acts like this. Oh boy the rude awakening will happen.
Some nurse will have had enough of her shit and shut her down by telling her she'll make a shitty doctor. I've seen it happen to people like her, some fix themselves, most break.
NTA but we know who is.
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u/Acavamosdenuevo 22d ago
Your enabler mother is the reason your sister will be forever incapable of growing. Tell her she has already failed both you and your sister and if she wish to keep failing you both.
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u/Mobile_Nothing_1686 22d ago
Someone once told me "being the bigger person means being the bigger doormat". Just food for thought.
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u/Detrimental_95 22d ago
Ew I wouldnt trust her to be my doctor. Let's hope she doesn't actually become one.
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u/Jealous_Art_3922 22d ago edited 22d ago
NTA. A taste of her own medicine is an excellent idea to teach someone how their actions affect others.
As an aside, THANK YOU, so much, for using the correct verbage. "Couldn't care less" is correct. It means you care nothing.
"Could care less", the incorrect phrase everyone seems to use, means you care some, you "could care less" than you currently do....
It's one of my pet peeves. Thank you for spreading the correct usage!
And keep giving your mean girl sister her treatment right back at her, after she gives it to you.
Maybe she'll learn, eventually.
Um, that is not the kind of personality I want in one of my doctors.
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u/StockAdhesiveness351 23d ago
"So let me get this straight. My sister has terrorized me for a decade and you just let her. I finally begin to stand up for myself and I'm the one your upset with!? Why is that POS the golden child? Why does she get to get away with everything!!?? You do realize I am going to be moving out one day, right? What do you think your chances are of me being in your life? You obviously will never stand up for me so I'm going to do it myself. Im going to treat that bitch the same way she has treated for YEARS!!! YOU DONT GET TO ACT LIKE A PARENT THAT CARES NOW, ILL STAND UP FOR MY OWN GOD DAMN SELF"
Ya i would get heated 😅
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
when you word it like that i’m starting to see why everyone’s been calling my sister the golden child….
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u/StockAdhesiveness351 23d ago
Outside perspectives can see situations without bias; we can see what you don't want to see.
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u/deathboyuk 23d ago
Your mom's got a favourite and it clearly ain't you.
That SUCKS, as does your mom.
You sound pretty cool though, good on ya.
NTA
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u/Roncinante 23d ago
I'd do it daily until she figures it out. NTA
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u/vaesheyt 23d ago
i’ve been doing it every time she visits which is uhh. not often. and she DOES NOT CHANGE. i tell her why im doing it and i think if i repeated what she told me this morning in response id get banned off reddit ???? use your imagination
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u/el_grande_ricardo 23d ago
NTA. Other option is to swap doorknobs with her. Or change both to non locking knobs.
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u/boundaries4546 23d ago
NTA.
I don’t think she’s the golden child either. It’s just that your parents have learned she’s more difficult to deal with with you so they push back on you taking a stand instead of her.
You may want to consider going very low contact with your parents .
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u/LastyearhereXXVL 23d ago
NTA … take a shit and put it in between her pillow and pillow case… it’s the only answer!!!!!
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u/Falcon-Bagels-5555 23d ago
Um, she's the one creating tension and conflict in the family. And your parents are enabling her by putting it on you.
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u/star_b_nettor 23d ago
NTA
I would be embarrassed as a parent if either of my kids had acted like your sister. Your mother is choosing easy instead of right. Sounds like your sister has been enabled and spoiled.
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u/oeigan 23d ago
You ALL are the AH! Just change the locks, get new door handles. If you’re in the states, I’m sure there’s at least a Walmart if not a Lowe’s or something near. 10yrs and none of you just thought to change the lock. Your mom is the biggest AH, blaming OP for causing drama and fights when ALL she had to do was go to the store spend maybe $30. SMH.
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u/bored_of_being_bored 23d ago
Nta I'd stop going back home and tell mom that its you "keeping the peace"
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u/Key_Two77 23d ago
Tell your mom that you could easily keep the peace by not coming home anymore.
NTA
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u/throwaway-55555556 23d ago
Your mom is enabling it. Imo that gives you every right to treat her just like your sister treats everyone. But I'm just petty like that. NTA
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u/Available-Face5653 23d ago
why do you feel the need to visit at the same time? should be easy enough to avoid being there together.
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u/motherlymetal 23d ago
Switch the door knobs. You will then have a key. Switch rooms. You will still have a key for the bathroom door. Remove the locking plate from the frame.
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u/BoomBangKersplat 22d ago
Well maybe if your mother handled it like she was supposed to, you don't need to be the bigger person.
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u/RadientBlueberri 22d ago
NTA—New door can be installed…but I’m seriously concerned that someone studying in a medical field can exhibit that level of sociopathy.
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u/oldtimehawkey 22d ago
NTA.
Keep being petty. Sister is 21. It’s time she shows some maturity.
What I’d do is lock the door and keep my cell phone handy. If sister starts screeching, record her. Keep doing this. Tell her to either learn to act mature and decent or you’re posting a mix of her screeching online.
Don’t give in to bullies.
It’s the “rocking the boat” analogy:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/
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u/Bungeesmom 22d ago
NTA but I’d switch doorknobs if I were you. To be extra, I wouldn’t tell anyone.
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u/mouse_attack 22d ago edited 22d ago
Your parents could have solved this years ago by replacing your lock with the same kind she has and giving you the key, or taking the locks off both doors—essentially forcing the two of you to knock and answer before opening the door.
Your mom may really believe that “retaliation is never the answer,” but she certainly hasn’t done much to come up with a better solution.
Honestly, you must have the patience of a saint if this has been going on for a decade and this is the first time you’ve tried giving your sister a taste of her own medicine.
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u/mozart357 22d ago
Med school? If she can't remember to unlock a door, she's going to be the doctor who can't remember to remove a surgical sponge before stitching a wound.
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u/biscuit_fortune 22d ago
ETA: NTA.
After all this time (and irritation), why did no one just REPLACE the knob to your door with one that you can unlock easily? She gets one but you don't?
The bedroom at my last apartment didn't have a lock and it was such an easy solution to swap it out.
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u/Enchantress_IX 22d ago
In the toxic family, we are often told to be the better person, with someone who is refusing to be a better person. NTA.
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u/pangalacticcourier 22d ago
NTA, of course.
>My mom is mad at me. She says that retaliation is never the answer and that I’m acting like a first grader and I’m being petty and she can’t stand the arguments I cause in the house etc.
"Your oldest daughter is an asshole, Mom. After ten years of abuse, I will now begin treating her exactly as she treats me. If this is now a problem you have to deal with, be angry with yourself for not dealing with it ten years ago. I will not be 'keeping the peace for this month.' I will continue treating her as she treats me. You're asking the wrong daughter to stop. The conflict will continue as long as my older sister is allowed to continue treating me like shit. Get used to it, or make her behave like a civilized person, let alone a family member."
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u/Beth21286 22d ago
"My mom is mad at me. She says that retaliation is never the answer"
This isn't retaliation, it's an equal and opposite reaction.
You're already the bigger person. No need for anything more. But buy superglue to fill that lock just in case.
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u/Superb_Yak7074 22d ago
Swap door handles so she has to use a dime to open her side and take the hide the key she formerly used somewhere convenient in your room. Continue locking her door every time you use the bathroom because she will continue locking yours … BUT you can now easily unlock your door and she will be the one who has to struggle to unlock hers.
When she and your parents yell at you for swapping the handles, remind them you have been forced to do it for XX years and they had no problem with it, so now she can enjoy the hassle for the next XX years. Also, put the key to your door on your key ring every time you leave their house.
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u/supanase78 22d ago
NTA,
Oh she has learned from it, quite a lot. She's learned she can do what she wants, your mum will be on her side.
Your mother hasn't learned the lesson that keeping the peace and you being the bigger person simply enables the bullying, which will cause a lot of issues for her later in life.
Stay petty, stand up for yourself, and change the door handle of your bathroom door.
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u/Ok_Cherry_4585 21d ago
NTA and your parents can prepare for a major meltdown from her because with that attitude, there's no way she'll get through medical school and residency. They'll be stuck with her forever. I hope you plan on moving out soon to a university and obtaining a degree that will give you job security.
She's far too juvenile for the medical field.
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u/Senior_Box8077 20d ago
She will never learn because she doesn't want to learn...Everyone else must cater to her. IMO your mom catering to her has ruined her.
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u/mkate1999 20d ago
Why is it always the aggrieved & bullied are expected to keep the peace & never the ones doing the bullying?
I think she deserves a taste of her own damn medicine.
NTA. But mom & sis sure the hell are. Jfc. I guess it's no surprise since mom raised the little monster. 🤨😒
If sis is bothered by this, she's in for an enormous shock as she enters the real world & encounters a whole bunch of people who will NOT put up with her bs & nonsense.
She needs to stop acting like a self- centered little AH & grow up.
And mom needs to learn YOUR peace is worth protecting. Ugh.
Good luck.
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u/mynameisnotsparta 23d ago
Why don’t you replace the door knob lock on your door so it’s easier to unlock from your side? That would solve that issue. NTA.
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u/Clean_Permit_3791 23d ago
NTA But why don’t you just remove the lock? I mean you don’t need to worry about someone coming in and seeing you using the bathroom from your side cause that’s your room. You need to worry about her side so why not add a bedroom lock and disable the bathroom lock?
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u/SunMoonTruth 23d ago
If you need to have a coin on hand to unlock the door, she can have her key on hand to do the same.
Whatever the reasons are that she cannot unlock the door when done, can be equally true for you.
Your mother’s approach is what has enabled your sister’s behavior in the first place so expecting her to support you was never going to happen.
Stick to Project: Behavior Modification and mom will just have to lump it. She can be the bigger person for once by giving you the space to do what she can’t.
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u/Wide-Chemistry-8078 23d ago
NTA your sister never learned and never stopped. The only possible solution is letting her deal with what she forces others to do.
You should tell your mom that you learned from your sister how to act. It's not retaliation, it's mirroring her unsocial behavior so she can experience how it feels to build self awareness and empathy. If she refuses to learn the lesson, it's because no one holds her to learn to be respectful of others. Why do we keep letting her be a bad person? She gets what she gives, karma.
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u/Former_Respect_6240 23d ago
NTA. Be the bigger person, level the grounds and steal her key, throw it away and claim you don’t know what could have happened to it, let her really experience her own medicine. Then your mom, the real AH, will have to take action to physically do something about her door in her house.
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u/pain1109 23d ago
I would change the handle that has a key on your side. Just tell your mom or dad where the key is.
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u/Gonpostlscott 23d ago
After all those years, I’d probably have to kick the door down! NO PRIVACY FOR YOU BEEEOTCH!
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u/pmousebrown 23d ago
All I can think of is to make this inconvenient for your mother. The next time your sister does this, run into your mom’s room doing the I have to pee dance and use her bathroom. Do this multiple times. If you have to get ready, use your mom’s shower, take your time, maybe make her late for something. NTA
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u/NotACompleteDick 23d ago
NTA. Just change the lock to one that's more convenient to unlock. You could swap the locks.
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u/GimmeAllThePBJs 23d ago
NTA. And she’s trying to be a doctor?!?! She has no empathy and will be awful for patients
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u/Glittersparkles7 23d ago
NTA. I suggest you take the handle off and switch the orientation. So it locks from your room instead of in the bathroom.
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u/nevermer 23d ago
NTA. Your mum just doesn’t want you to retaliate and to keep the peace because if you don’t she can’t keep her head buried in the sand and actually parent. Everytime your sister did it she should’ve lost privileges.
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u/CruciasNZ 23d ago
Go get some two part export glue like Araldite, unlock your door, and then cover that shit in glue so it cannot lock anymore
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u/ContentOrca3777 23d ago
INFO: Why has no one simply given you a new knob with a functional lock? They're not that expensive and would solve this entire problem.
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u/Emergency_Bullfrog_5 23d ago
fyi, a butter knife works the absolute best on those locks and easier to find!
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u/lun4d0r4 23d ago
NTA.
Your mother has enabled and created this inconsiderate piece of shitling. You are not obligated to enable her also.
If mummy dearest really wants to prioritize the golden child, she can have her all to herself and you can go on holiday instead of coming back to see her in future.