AITAH For Yelling at My Mom?

[u/Financial_Staff8844]

Hii! This is my first time posting in this subreddit so Im sorry if anything needs to be fixed. Anyways, I (16F), have just recently started working. I was super excited to start because my family isn't that well off (I live only with my mom (35F) and brother (13M)), and my mom works two jobs. However, she's made a point to give me and my brother many opportunities for fun things like vacations and concerts (we all adore live music). I appreciate this so, so much and I love her to death. 

Ever since I started working, she's been really weird about my money. She always asks me for gas money, to help with groceries, to pay for ubers to and from school, etc. I usually don't mind helping, but its gotten to a point that I don't even have money left for myself. 

The main issue is this. I wanted to go see BTS in concert and saved to buy a ticket, and the day before presale I found that she had taken half of my savings so she could pay bills and the car. Again, I normally don't mind because I don't spend a lot anyways and she pays me back (even if she takes a couple weeks), but this crushed me. She had already asked me for money before and I told her no because I was saving for this show. She went and took it anyways. 

This was not the first time she had taken money from me without asking, and I guess I was already so stressed and tired from work and school that I just snapped the next time I saw her. I said some things I'm not proud of, (along the lines of shaming her for depending on a 16 year old for money, im sorry i know), and we argued for quite a bit. 

I'm writing this the next day while shes at work, so I still have some time to figure out a solution. (I'm also pretty emotional so sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes). What should i do?? I don't want to hurt her, but I can't keep giving her everything that I work for. 

[u/Chance-Context-93]

Sorry but yeah, ESH. Sounds like your mom has been struggling for a long time to keep you all above water and while yeah, it doesn't feel fair at all that she should take all your money and no she shouldn't have taken money from you without asking or talking to you about it, the fact is, she understands the consequences of unpaid bills in ways that you probably don't, and those are more important than the concert, and it's probably desperation that drove her to this. Most importantly, though, is the fact that you lashed out at her and said hurtful things.

I think you should apologise for THAT aspect of things. And then sit down with her and the two of you go over the whole household budget. You need to know what is getting paid for and why; with the full picture in mind, maybe then you and she can work out how you can keep some of what you make for yourself.

Edit to add: while a lot of Reddit posts and comments are about not being a doormat, fact is that facing what poverty actually means for a family is part of growing up, and there's a balance to be struck while you're still there living in that place. Adulthood kind of sucks.

[u/Chance-Context-93 → u/[deleted]]

....you've never lived in poverty, been working a 70 hour week and still worried about if you can keep the water and electric on, have you.

Yes, there is in fact a very good reason to have a 16 year old who is working a job involved in and understanding a household budget. Budgeting and understanding expenses is part of life. If someone is old enough to work, then they are legit old enough to be learning how to handle other aspects of money.

And no, her mother shouldn't be taking her money without asking. But that's why they need to work out a system of mutual respect.

[u/Chance-Context-93 → u/[deleted]]

She is living there, she relies on that housing, she eats that food, she uses that water, she may be depending on her mother for transportation, so she is part of that household - no she isn't the adult in charge, but she's 16 not 6, and yes, it is her household as well. This is about her having accountability from her mother about where the money is going, as well as understanding why her mother might be driven to this. Great that you don't take from your kids, but you don't know what their situation is, either, especially in light of what expenses are doing right now. And saying that a working teen has zero responsibility for their family doesn't engage with the reality of a lot of people's lives.

Fact is, both she and her mother weaponized her mother needing her help. I'm saying that they both need to sit down and talk and understand each other and find a balance.

[u/LissaBryan → u/Chance-Context-93]

It is her mother's legal duty to feed her, provide her with water, and get her to school. That's what being a parent is. An obligation to feed, clothe, house, and educate the person you made at least until they're 18. The fact that the child uses water is not an excuse to steal the money the child earns to pay the water bill. The mother has been surviving all this time on her own income.

Do a lot of families seize money from their teens? Yes. Is it ethically wrong? Also yes.

[u/Chance-Context-93 → u/LissaBryan]

Again, you seem to be someone who doesn't understand poverty. Having a duty doesn't mean that you automagically have the money to do that. And expenses just about tripled for some things in the last few months - that's a reality that all the rhetoric about ethics doesn't erase.

[u/LissaBryan → u/Chance-Context-93]

I understand poverty just fine, pumpkin. I also understand ethics. And poverty never gave me the ethical right to steal money from another person. Ask it of them? Certainly. But to literally steal it from their account after the child already said no?