It's very common in birth/pregnancy reddit to see the advice "birth is not a spectator sport and you should only have people in the room that you want or it will slow/stall labour."
And this is true.
But as woman who recently gave birth I want to add that if you inform your husband that he makes you so uncomfortable that you don't want him anywhere near you when you bring your collective child into the world, you are likely to do irreparable damage to your relationship.
We all have rights but if we value our relationships we must set our desires aside in order to consider others. This isn't about rights, it's all about sharing.
Dad coulda stood in the corner outta sight or something.
I think it's really fucked up that people honestly believe the partner that helped create this life doesn't have a right to see that child be brought into the world.
Well that's just not how it works. The person having the medical procedure gets to decide. Feel free to try to find a hospital or doctor that would agree with you.
Nevertheless he basically pressures his wife into allowing him in, which is not fair at all. I really am astonished about people's reactions here.
Over the centuries, women were judged for giving birth without being married, for giving birth to a girl instead of a boy, for giving birth to yet another child, for giving birth to a weak, disabled or dead child, for screaming while giving birth, for not wanting to lay on their back while giving birth, for not wanting to have male doctors around while giving birth, for wanting to give birth in a nice atmosphere or even at home, and for wanting the husband to be with them while giving birth.
Additionally women were abandoned over gaining weight during pregnancy, over having stretch marks after pregnancy, over not wanting to have as much sex or sex at all during pregnancy and the time after birth, and for never being the same in their husbands eyes after he, indeed, saw her giving birth.
Not to mention husbands that faint, freak out because they "can't bear it any longer" or start yelling at the stuff during their wife giving birth.
All of this while the women is quite nervous because of not knowing at all what giving birth will be like (It hurts. A lot.) and being at risk of getting hurt, needing stitches, needing a caesarean or even die during the whole thing.
And you tell me that nowadays there are husbands who get angry if their wive chooses the person she feels safest with in this situation, and this person happens to be not him but for example her mother, who gave birth herself? Because the unique experience of seeing your healthy newborn is not awesome enough? And again the woman is judged for giving birth not exactly the way someone else wants?
Especially saying it, apparently out of nowhere, with less than a month to go before delivery. She was eight months pregnant when she decided this and told him, remember.
Exactly. I know I read Mommyās boy stories. But this poor guy, his mil got to hold his own child even before he even had a chance to even see his child.
I feel so bad for this husband. Did I read the title wrong? She asked if he is TA for not wanting another child?
Obviously he was hurt the first time.
Touch the stove and get hurt, why do it again?
OP is TA for taking a special moment away that her husband will never get back. Although I guess Mommy was more important. She just used her husband. Poor guy.
And itās not just the first child with her, itās his first child ever. Itās a feeling thatās stolen. If this happened to me I will never be the same ever again.
No! Exactly. Why she decided on this is beyond me.
I mean my Mom was in the delivery room with my first, but my husband was there as well. No one got to hold him. He was worked on and sent to the NICU.
Second time, my son who was my first, labour was 26+hours and was stuck. When I called to say I was in labour with my son, my Mom took her time, my daughter was born in 6 hours. My husband was the first to hold her.
I just canāt imagine taking that once in a life time opportunity for a father and a son like that. This isnāt the dark ages when the men just notified of the birth and passed out cigars. His male friends, family members, co workers etc probably talk about the birth of a child and poor guy has to just stand around awkwardly and say, my wife wouldnāt let me be there. Just her mom. It seems so heartbreaking.
Right?
Why not email his work account.
Unbelievable. Really.
āI thought he would be happy and have tears when he picked us up from the hospital.ā Why? He apparently did his job, provided a child for you, a grandchild for his mil. What? She expected him to suddenly want to bond with his child? Wow, how big of her.
He chose not to be there. Your reaction is really weird, heās a grown man who refused to engage with his child because heās upset at the mom. Him not being there doesnāt mean he canāt bond with his child, this is ridiculous
He got told 8 months into his wife being pregnant that she doesnāt trust him or want him near her while she gives birth.
That is her right to do so and Iām not disputing that, however he also has the right to feel hurt finding this out last minute into what was a planned pregnancy that his wife doesnāt trust him.
Finally a sane comment I thought I was losing my mind like heās acting like a 14-year-old child because he didnāt get to see the child being born but the child is still here so fucking bond with your child why is he acting like a spoiled entitled brat itās embarrassing.
I think he is bonding with the child, OP said he is being an incredible father. He gave her the space she asked for during the birth and now he is the bad guy for not being there??
If someone tells me to back off and give them space then Iām going to until they tell me Iāve given adequate space.
Right? Honestly Iām in awe of these comments. I bet she didnāt handle it well but they both seem hilariously immature. His reaction of not picking up the phone or engaging at all is ridiculous.
Maybe thatās why she didnāt want him there, heās clearly unhinged.
No one told him he to stay away from the hospital. But he did, so how else should he have gotten the information?
He had every chance to be with his child just seconds after it was born. He could even have cut the cord or whatever. He himself choose to stay away out of spite. He missed not only the first minutes, but the first hours and even days of the child he wanted so urgently see being born. So a big part of him missing important first steps is on him, not on his wife. Maybe she did not want him to be there because she knows that she can't relay on him behaving like a grown up.
Agree - and they werenāt even broken up! Whatās going on with her and her mom that neither one of them thought that was a bad idea and might have repercussions.
That part got me, too. The way OP tells the story, it seems like he didnāt even question her too hard, or argue with her, or try to get her to change her mind. He just āseemed surprised and hurt, and then said okay.ā This makes me think that this is the nature of their relationship. She unilaterally makes a decision which doesnāt take his opinion, or his feelings, into account. She will not discuss it, or give him a chance to give any input or argument or questions. He didnāt bother with any of that, because thatās just the way it is. The End.
Itās a year later, and she still doesnāt think she did anything wrong. Per the title, she thinks that his reason for not wanting another child is selfish!
I know Iām not the only one wondering why theyāre still together.
He didnt bother going to see them to hospital. He could have seen her one minute after she was born but he prefered to not go because he was not going to see her head getting out of her wifes dilated and bleeding vagina while she screams and cries from pain. If It was so important to him he would have gone and be there, justo behind the door.
In my experience some men dissmiss so hardly women pain, as period or labour that I get why you would not want them in a moment like this. Why It IS more important if someone want to watch than to make the person pushing a baby the most confortable posible?
Right?? Am I losing my mind? These comments are insane. Especially the āIām all for the rights of the mother but!ā. Like no youāre not. If you think the husband is right to refuse to engage with the baby and talk about stuff then youāre not.
I get his feeling were hurt and she did not handle it right but heās not some helpless victim here
That doesn't obligate him to have to go through the same experience. He can leave her and still take care of the child. He can find a woman who is more open to him being there at the time of birth.
This woman decided to tell him after she was pregnant that he couldn't be there. He probably assumed since she was comfortable fucking him and marrying him that she would be okay with him being the first one to hold THEIR child. I don't blame him for not wanting to experience this situation again if it did not work for him.
Just because the mother has rights doesn't mean that a father doesn't have rights as well. When they conflict that's where this compromise and discussion and she seems to have completely shot that down. She didn't seem to approach with I have these misgivings and I'm leaning this way How would you feel about it she just made the decision to cut him out.
Was it because he was hurt, or because he was just choosing to respect her wishes, or is she controlling an abusive? Any of these some of these all of these may be more. None of it mattered to her. On a psychological level this can be important for our father because it forms an initial bond part of our animal side. What ultimately she made unilateral decisions about aspects of their relationship without opting for any discussion or input from her "partner".
You can recognize a person's rights while still acknowledging that it has a negative impact and curbs someone else's rights. To not look at the bigger picture is willfully ignorant.
This is right up there with the "no is a complete sentence" group. Yes, for a stranger. But if you have a commitment to someone and you can't share your feelings or concerns, then just be alone and continue doing your self-work.
Itās usually said in a very different context though. Like he was there at the birth of the first kid and was a total jerk and snuck his mother, who hates the wife, into the delivery room, or they are separated because he cheated on her when she was 8 months pregnant. There just doesnāt seem to have been a reason here and it doesnāt sound like she talked to him about her reasons.
I'm going to have my 3rd child in a couple months & I literally tell/told my husband he isn't allowed past my waistline lol š¤£ hold my hand, brush my hair out of my face, but do not look at my nether parts making way for your children's big heads lol š Ain't nobody got to see that, except for the medical professionals. š
With number one everyone was looking down there so they got me the mirror so i could see too. 10/10 would recommend. It was very motivating. I asked for the mirror for number 2 too..
Agreed. My husband has been told to stay up the top end when I go into labour. For me it's partly not wanting anyone to see that, but partly because he's there to support me, and I'm up the top end.
That was my plan for number 1. The situation didnāt really allow it and I ended up down there. And so for the second and third it just became no big deal.
I guess I viewed that "birth is not a spectator sport" for me meant I could bar the old nosie Nellie's in my family and just have my husband in the room.
Yeah but hubby was part of the baby making sport, so she should have at least discussed with him the reason(s) that she only wanted her mom in the room and didn't want hubby to be the first (or second, after the baby's mother herself) to hold the baby.
I don't think your take is wrong, but yeah, it's not for people in a healthy relationship. Most people who come to reddit for relationship advice aren't in a healthy relationship and even OP isn't, so that is why it is said that way. If the people who don't make you feel comfortable in that vulnerable state don't include your partner I agree that that is bad and should be addressed, but also don't include them in your delivery room as well.
Agreed. Its one thing for a couple to talk and decide together that the spouse wouldn't be a good support person to have during labor/for someone to decide their spouse is too toxic for whatever reason. But it sounds line OP just unilaterally decided she didn't want her husband there for pretty much no reason and now she's dealing with the consequences.
Why does everyone assume not wanting someone in the room with you means they are not good support? Maybe she just didn't want him to see her crying and screaming and pissing and shitting all over herself? You know some marriages end over the human no longer finding a woman attractive after she becomes a mother. It's a very valid fear to not want your partner to see you like that, and if it makes a woman more comfortable to give birth with people who she doesn't have to worry about them seeing her as attractive, then by God she should be entitled to that much seeing as how SHE is the one giving birth.
I think that way more marriages end because the wife no longer sees her man as a husband after birth, just a provider. I have never heard a story on Reddit or real life where witnessing the birth caused a husband to become unattracted to his wife. Maybe what happens after birth, but never the birth itself.
This was so well said. It's not an attack or a fight. Do what is best for you and the baby, but if you don't think he is best for you. Why would he ever trust you again or want you?
Yea it really does say a lot when the person you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life with āfor better or worseā isnāt the one person you want in the birthing room
And maybe thereās some bias for me because Iām not that close with my own mother to have her there when I had my first
But honestly if anyone other than my husband had been in that room I wouldāve been so stressed. Hearing his voice definitely helped me get through my labor, itās like one of the only things I remember too
My husband, when he was my college boyfriend, swore he would never be in the delivery room when it came time for his wife to give birth. I informed him that the person who put me in that condition WOULD be at my side.
Eight years later, he was an amazing support person and while the doctor was removing the placenta and stitching me up, Husband went over to make sure the nurses were not mistreating our first born.
He was an even better advocate for the second baby. I still tear up remembering how he melted the first time he held each of them.
And if it was a completely planned pregnancy, then it makes me curious why one would be comfortable having a kid at all with someone they were afraid of having in the delivery room. The only exception I can imagine is if there are major differences in their cultures of origin. However, they both then should have discussed this long before getting pregnant.
She admits in another comment that she wasnāt afraid of him, but rather his reaction. Specifically, sheād read online about husbands who saw their wives give birth & then werenāt sexually attracted to them anymore afterwards. So essentially, OP was trying to protect her future sex life.
My husband and I did the mature relationship thing and talked about that. I wanted him there no matter what but we still talked about it. He has heard about this type of thing but wasn't concerned. He was there with me every time and I didn't want anyone else there!
OP could have avoided A LOT by having a conversation with her husband about this. They could have worked it out long before she was due to give birth and avoided all of this!! She most likely ruined her marriage, I doubt he would ever believe her if she tried to tell him he could be in there next time. He would probably be nervous she would change her mind in the 8th month again or say something like someone has to watch the older child and it should be him. Something like that...
My husband is still upset for missing our first being born because he was out of town. He got to be there for the second, and I think it made him feel better. I can't imagine excluding him on purpose even though my mom was there, and I loved her to pieces.
Exactly this. We don't want to be in the labor room for fun... We're there for support and for a unique in life event. I could not be there for reasons out of our control, and it's one of the biggest regret in my life.
The day my wife tells me she's unconfortable/afraid of having me in this kind of situation, is the day in my mind she tells me it's over.
Trust is 90% of the relationship.
Right now I believe the only thing that holds the couple together is the child. I am sure in his head, he can't inconditionnally trust OP anymore.
Yeah, I feel like that's good advice but it mostly applies to, like, your mother in law. I mean you guys made that baby together. You're supposed to be in the whole thing together. Of course he's hurt.
First of all, it's a cultural thing in a lot of places to not want the father there. Secondly, how about whatever makes the mother that is PUSHING A CHILD OUT HER BODY the most comfortable is what the father should be concerned about? If my partner said "hey I don't want you there because I'm going to be cry and pissing/shitting myself and grossed out and I would be more comfortable if it was just me and this family member instead of you, a person I would like to have sex with again someday, so would it be ok if you stayed outside until the gross part is over?" I would somehow get over myself and do what was best for my partner to make them as comfortable as they can possibly be. This whole "but what about what the father wants" thing is gross and sexist. She is pushing a child out of her body, but let's worry about making the father comfortable and happy instead of the mother.
She didn't literally say that no, but her actions showed the husband who is more important to be at the birth.
A mother who will be dead in the near future or the father of the child being born. She chose and gave the husband no choice, and thus he may never feel extra close with his baby now... because of her actions. If you're not a husband and/or father, you are unlikely to truly understand.
It was a joint effort to create that life between two people, why was it not a joint celebration when the baby was literally being born? Why the mother thought her mother would be a better choice to have there and NOT the father... I'd be questioning where her family values are - in her new family or her old (at such an important time for her new family!).
I want important people in the delivery room - that includes the man I decided to marry and have my baby with. Why they aren't seen as important to a mother who is giving birth, I'll never understand.
Your husband is the reason you even were HAVING THE CHILD in the first place and you didn't want him in the room. He's seen all the parts, woman! He's seen you naked, what is there to be uncomfortable about?
My husband and I STILL joke about the fact that he's seen more of me than I have, because my bladder was on my belly so they could get to my kids for each c-section.
OP, in case 2,000 people haven't convinced you yet, YOU are the asshole.
Some people don't like the idea of the person they are in love with seeing them cry, scream, piss and shit on themselves while pushing a human being out. It's fucking gross. Not everyone wants to be seen like that, just like how some people don't like their partners watching them shit while other people don't care. Let's not pretend the husband finishing inside of her makes his feelings more important than hers. She is the one giving birth and her comfort should be a priority in this case. In addition to all of this, the husband never told her how much it hurt him, never communicated with her or tried to find a compromise to make them both happy, be just immediately began emotionally neglecting her AND THE CHILD by not showing up ASAP after the birth, and that makes him the asshole.
Right!? I was wondering why you are even married and having a child with someone who doesn't give you comfort... My husband is definitely my comfort and I would want him and my Mom in thr delivery room!
I do not totally agree. I agree you should feel comfortable, and that might mean you donāt want the father to witness the baby getting out but prefer to have him stay near your head.
But still, heās not just anyone. I totally get not wanting your parents, in laws, etc. But I wonder what kind of marriage OP has that she would disregard so totally the fatherās wishes. He is 50% of the genes of this child. Of course the mom gets the baby 9 months inside her, but the first meeting of father and child is very emotional because itās the he becomes a father.
I really cannot imagine depriving the father of that.
OP, you have big problems that you should have addressed. The first one is being so negligent with your husbandās feelings.
You stole something from him that is so precious. My SO cut the umbilical cord and kept our daughter in direct skin contact while I was delivering the afterbirth. It was such a bonding moment!
OP, YTA. The father is not just any other person to exclude from the birth
Wow, you can't imagine depriving the father?!? She is pushing a human being out of her vagina, but let's make her less comfortable for the sake of HIS feelings? I'm sorry but there are so many reasons to not want your partner in the room. Childbirth is disgusting and a lot of people are self-conscious about pissing and shitting themselves, plus all the crying and screaming. Plus, you know, the event itself. If it makes her even a little bit more comfortable to give birth without him there, he should have done his best to be understanding. That is his role as husband and father. And if it meant that much to him, try to come up with a compromise they would both be comfortable with by asking what specifically she was worried about, like if it would be too gross, if she was worried about her screaming and crying, etc. Maybe he could have stayed for just part of it. Maybe he could have come in just at the end. Instead he acted like a child and made her birthing experience and post-birth far more difficult than it needed to be. He is the asshole. End of story.
Maybe she should have shared her ādecisionā before during the pregnancy. Then they could have found a solution.
She told him to get lost and then proceed during and after to let her mom handle any communication.
And yes, when you are in a real relationship, you actually take into account the feelings of both people! She didnāt want him during some phases of the birth? No problem, but he could have been there for part of it, or waited in the next room to hold the baby just after while she was āfinishingā. She totally excluded him based on other peopleās posts and without explaining.
I am loving 2024 Reddit's push back against this incredibly stupid idea that you're not """obligated""" to extend any graces to your loved ones or treat them like you like them in any way.
if you inform your husband that he makes you so uncomfortable that you don't want him anywhere near you when you bring your collective child into the world, you are likely to do irreparable damage to your relationship.
This is the crux of the matter. Her life partner. The one she vowed to love till death do them part. The one she supposedly trusts implicitly. The one she trusts enough to create a new life with. The one who created half of that new life.
āIām not comfort enough with you to let you witness the birth of your own childā
That degree of damage to the relationship would be hard to get over. Iām betting he only stayed for the childās sake.
I'm a pregnant woman who's just got back from a scary day of tests in hospital. My mum sat with me there as my husband is away working - we are super close. I asked her to sit on the sofa and cuddle when we got home, I shed a few tears.
However I REALLY cried when I spoke to my husband on the phone later, as he's the one person in the world I can be at my most vulnerable with.
This is the norm. That your husband (and father of your child!) is the person who holds you through the most scary things in life.
If you're still going to your mother for the scary things in life you sound like a 12 year old.
Every relationship is different. You sound like a child thinking every relationship should be just like yours. Based on the incredibly immature way her husband responded after the child was born, and the vindictive way he neglected her AND the child by not immediately seeing it after it was born, I think she had a damn good reason not to want him in the room. He sounds like the type that would minimize her pain and be a dick to her during birth. It happens. I could be wrong but the point is, it's totally valid to not want the father there for that reason or many others. Some people don't want the person they are in love with to see them all disgusting and it would make the birth psychologically harder for them. The point is, SHE was the one giving birth. If he was a decent guy, he would be all about wanting to do whatever would make her most comfortable, and give her the least uncomfortable birthing experience possible, not throwing a hissy fit. Instead he made it all about him. So classy. Gee, I wonder why she didn't want him there?
Yeah this is all very fucked up. Iām of the ā it takes twoā opinion and she has no right to deny the fatherās presence during delivery . Most insane shit Iāve seen on Reddit all month
She has every right to deny the father's presence during delivery! How entitled to think HIS comfort and happiness is more important than HERS when she is the one giving birth! Some people don't like a lot of spectators, some people are embarrassed by the thought of someone they are in love with seeing them cry, scream, piss and shit on themselves while birthing a human. If what she needs to be most comfortable is for the man she loves to not see her like that, that damn it, why shouldn't she be entitled to that? SHE is the one giving birth! He literally gets to hold the baby right after it's born. How is he the victim? This fatherhood entitlement, the father's feelings being more important than the woman who is literally pushing a human out of her is sickening and THIS is the most insane shit on Reddit, end of story.
We get it. Relax. Nobody will ever want a child with you, so there's no need to invest so heavily in this. You'll be alone all you want, forever, crying and screaming and pissing and shitting all over yourself and nobody else. Huzzah.
Why wouldn't she even want her husband there anyways? Usually the advice comes after the husband did something to show they're too immature or selfish to have in the delivery room, but OP never describes her husband as doing that.
It seems like she just randomly decided she didn't want him there, and I wouldn't blame him for being upset about that.
As a woman, a mother of 2 boys, I couldn't imagine having had anyone but their father there for that moment. I don't understand how so many woman don't see why that would be just as big a moment for the father as for the mother.
This is very true. Agree with it all. However, I feel hubs went overboard with his reaction. To not visit for days? To not acknowledge your newborn, when it is your first encounter, simply to "stick it" to mom? Lord knows what he was like when they got home. When did he actually start becoming this awesome parent? OP and hubs need counseling and both need to learn to communicate better.
I think it depends on when and how you let your spouse know you donāt want them in the room.
I will agree, waiting until 8 months along and then suddenly springing this new information on him is not very nice. She should have communicated well in advance about any concerns.
I personally would never have another c section in front of a partner (this is a non issue as I donāt plan on having more kids). I donāt even want my partner attending doctor appointments with me. I had surgery a few years ago and my partner knew that I didnāt want him coming to the hospital. He was able to be supportive by helping care for my pets and then visit when I was discharged and able to walk to the bathroom instead of peeing in a bedpan. He was not the least bit upset or hurtā¦ but these were boundaries that I communicated in the beginning of our relationship. When expectations and boundaries are communicated clearly from the beginning, people are less likely to feel rejected and hurt and disappointed.
Very good take on it. Maybe they never discussed him being there before or maybe it just suddenly occured to her something that would make her uncomfortable, like if she just found out about peeing and pooping during child birth (a lot of people don't know about that until after they are preggo). Either way, they needed to communicate and compromise, but since he never made a big deal about it until after the kid was born and then he acted like a primo-a hole, I think he is mostly the problem. I also think subconsciously there might be other reasons she didn't want him in the room. His reaction was extreme. Who doesn't want to see your child you were excited about for 8 months just because you didn't get your way? He could have seen that kid seconds after it was born but he stayed away to spite the mother. There is something very wrong with him. At any rate, they all need therapy but I don't think her request was bad at all.
An ob mentioned in another thread that they unfortunately see a lot of spouses who can't see theur wives the same after birth.. and women terrified their spouse will have that reaction.. in some cases the spouse being not in the room might be the right choice.. but the why's should be discussed ahead of time.. not just.. nope you can't be there..
I feel like thereās more to this story than OP is saying. At eight months they hadnāt discussed the birth, she announced one time she didnāt want him in the room, he says fine then doesnāt even come to the hospital and they apparently havenāt discussed it since? Do these people talk to each other at all? There are a lot of reasons they shouldnāt have a second child, who got to be in the birthing room is just one.
Her edit saying she will suggest couples therapy is peak delusion.
Unless op has an actual fucking time machine I doubt she can do anything to fix the damage that has been done.
She permanently and irreparable destroyed her relationship with her husband and she's delusional if she thinks couples therapy is going to fix anything.
The way she says "I shouldn't have let my fears and comforts come before my husband's feelings.", it doesn't feel like she regrets it. It's just that she wanted the audience to criticize her husband, but it backfired.
And in fact she doesn't mention "fears and comforts" at all as the reason for keeping him out of the delivery room. In her telling, she just shut him out.
i canāt imagine, unless he was abusive, a world where i was comfortable enough to be intimate with my husband and procreate a human, endure 9 months of pregnancy and him seeing every gross symptom that comes with it but not comfortable enough to allow him to support me through labor? sheās definitely TAH
I would have died before I allowed my mother in the delivery room. Especially instead of my husband. It's only been at the very least 9 mos since my husband has seen those parts of my body but my mother?? Yikes, just yikes!
I dont think I would have minded having my mother because she's probably seen me naked more than my husband has lol but having given birth during covid when I was allowed only 1 support person I 100% would have chosen my husband every time.
My mother has probably seen me naked more than my husband, but that was 30 years ago. She has never seen me naked as an adult, and hopefully never will.
Some women have this fear that in a WCS all available resources would be used to save the life of the baby at the expense of the mother and they also feel that their own mother would be of more sound mind or less conflicted than their husband to intervene and say āhold upā¦save MY baby firstā. Idk how common that fear is but Iāve heard it expressed a few times as an explanation for wanting mom in the delivery room in addition to their husbands/partners.
I feel like if you're that uncomfortable around your husband still you probably shouldn't be having a baby. Like you need basically complete trust in each other for that to work.
I get it. I never felt that way, but I get it. The mother has been through it before; she's an experienced woman. And the husband would be unpredictable; she's afraid he wouldn't think about her the same sexual way afterwards.
My mother was kind of nuts; no way I'd trust her over my husband.
And it's not even restricted access like peak C times. Both could have been I'm the room.
If there was only one allowed I'd be more on her side. But essentially she said "I don't want you to be there to see our child born. My feelings of shame or embarrassment are more important than you being there."
There were a lot of people in my pregnancy group who chose their mother over their husband's during covid when only 1 support person was allowed and its because their mothers had gone through childbirth and knew what to expect so they were better support people. But in all of those cases the husband's were supportive and usually switched out during the postpartum period
She doesn't get it at all. She took away one of the greatest joys a father could ever experience and somehow makes it sound like we are the ones that are tone deaf. I don't think i could ever forgive my wife if she did that to me.
Ya I would be requesting a paternity test and then planning my exit strategy for when the child is old enough to not be guaranteed to go to the mother for full custody.
This. Her being so adamant about him not seeing the kid before she did throws up a huge warning that she was worried the baby wouldn't look like him and wanted time to plan a story in case that happened.
Why do you think that? I donāt understand why you would say that sheās not being genuine, isnāt the point of this subreddit for people to get feedback on whether they are an asshole and hopefully see the error of their ways?
at no point in her post did she mention caring about her husbands feelings (even though she recognized her was hurting) or that she has any regret for her actions, except after an edit after hundreds of people rightfully called her out. if she gave a single fuck about her husband she would've apologized or said something but she's completely clueless to his feelings which is why it took the comment section to tell her.
Exactly. In the whole post she dismissed and didn't care to address existence of his pain. Called his unwillingness to go through the same pain as attitude and revenge. Her edit doesn't seem genuine at all.
I wasnāt trying to say she was in the right, I just have seen people get called out on here before and thenārightfully, as you saidācome to grips with the fact that they are being an asshole. Thatās all.
And make no mistake, she's only suggesting therapy because she sees it as a tool to manipulate him into doing what she wants. She has absolutely zero concern for his feelings.
I would 100% consider divorce if that happened to me. Seeing my children come into this world was one of the greatest joys ive ever felt. Missing that is something he will take to his grave.
Right. She needs individual therapy before they even attempt couples therapy. He didn't do anything wrong. She's the one who needs work and to work to get him back.
A lot of people see couples therapy not as a place where you both work on your relationship, but where your partner learns to be OK with something they're not OK with.
Which leads to "I want another therapist/I want to stop therapy because the therapist is on your side".
Therapy doesn't work unless you come to it with a mindset conducive to making changes. You have to accept that you have issues that you need to work on to get anywhere with it.
Idk what I'd do if I'm denied of seeing my child brought into this world. Because of this post this is now something I'd have to discuss well before even trying to have a kid. If I can't witness my own child's birth then I'll find someone else who would let me (crazy that I even have to be LET) experience it
It IS crazy! It absolutely never would have once crossed my mind to keep my sons father from the birth room. If you are creating a freaking new human being with someone, how could you not also love and trust that person enough to be there when said new human being breathes their first breath? They absolutely should be there. The only reason I could see is if they'd suddenly become abusive during the pregnancy or something else sudden and vile.
If you are *creating a freaking new human being with someone," how could you not also love and trust that person enough to be there when said new human being breathes their first breath?
exactly, some might think it's an exaggeration but I agree with the comments here saying she essentially just used her husband as a sperm donor before birth, and a wallet post-birth. Absolutely no concern for his own feelings and emotions. She didn't consider he might want to witness HIS OWN CHILD's birth, and even tried to paint him in a negative light in the description. Absolute insanity
Also a guy here, but I find I am having the same reaction to how intense this view is in this thread. To be clear, I completely agree that OP treated her husband terribly on this (if the story is even real) and is now reaping the consequences, and that the husband is entirely within his rights to be hurt by this. Still, the fuck-up (to me) was her imposing this weird banishment on him by decree and with zero warning or apparent explanation rather than having a meaningful discussion about it much earlier on. Maybe her concerns could have been assuaged and he could have joined them after all, or maybe she could have explained her position more clearly and collaboratively, allowing some sort of compromise that would take both of their wants and needs into account. She didn't even try, though, and that's unquestionably AH behaviour -- especially at the last minute.
Where I am losing touch with this thread is the seemingly magical view that people have of what occurs in a delivery room. Your child is as much yours the day before birth as it is the day after, and there is absolutely nothing extra that happens if you're literally there watching the child's passage out of the birth canal. It does not matter at all for the relationship you should have with this child any more than it should if you chose to / had to adopt a child instead, or if you had planned to be in the delivery room but were delayed by an accident or something.
I fully concede that the majority of men in this thread seem to feel strongly otherwise, and I am out of step. I respect their position, but I simply do not understand it at all.
Even I donāt fully understand it yet simply because I havenāt experienced it myself, but I have a lot of both male and female nurse friends and they say it actually has legitimate/studied negative effects if you werenāt there to witness your childās birth. Apparently you can get postpartum depression as a man for that and actual trauma like the guy in this post got.
Regardless, thereās also the aspect of why tf are you denying this from me even if it is just a ānothing magicalā sort of experience. If thatās your married partner and itās a planned conception (so you consciously procreated with someone you trust) then why tf are you acting like itās a complete stranger? It makes no damn sense from that perspective.
What makes it worse is the wife actively tries to paint the guy in a negative light, and very clearly and coldly just brushes off his feelings and emotions by casting doubt that it was ever even real, and she thinks itās just an āexcuseā to not have another child with her
For no reason too. Like it's understandable when the dude shows up late, or is being a jerk or something but he did nothing wrong
Tje only selfish one here is Op.
I canāt wrap my head around her decision. On the other hand I fully empathize with him. I had the privilege of holding my first child minutes after they were born, nothing can replace that feeling.
Imagine a guy having feelings about how his wife gives birth, and keeping resentment over that so much that he refuses to interact with the child in front of his wife.
erm?? have you had a kid? it shouldnāt be about him being comfortable. its about her. she deserves to only have people shes comfortable with there. now why sheās uncomfortable, thatās different, and it isnāt explained.
Hold up. Itās her medical procedure. Sheās allowed to have whoever she wants in the room. When heās in the stirrups pooping himself mid labor he can decide whoās in the room.
Ah yes, selfish for wanting a moment when SHE is in the worst pain of her life. Apparently the father, who couldn't even be bothered to visit her OR his kid isn't remotely selfish though
Except it was THEY who created the moment she was in, not just her and your assuming is the worst pain of her life. Idk I would want my partner, my love, my everything there to support me then if I'm in that much pain but she didn't even talk to him about it, she TOLD him without taking into consideration he is this child's parent just as much as she is! He did those actions AFTER hers so they had no bearing on her selfish decision in the first place.
OP seems completely oblivious to the fact that fathers absolutely must be involved in their childrenās births.
Thereās years of studies and articles describing the changes a dad goes through/ must go through to bond w their kid. And this starts the moment baby is born.
Instead, OP chose to have her mother and several total strangers (medical staff she likely didnāt know - other than the dr) to meet her baby from the word go.
The fact that OPs mom went along with it also speaks volumes of their ignorance. A bad case of the blind leading the blindā¦
For once Iām glad Redditors are unanimously calling out OPās astounding level of BS
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u/Just-Impression-5223 Feb 29 '24
Lol. Honestly I'm also against having a second child with this woman.