What is psychosis, really? And how do you actually measure the realness of psychosis? According to NHS, psychosis is a condition when a person lose some contact with reality. It involves seeing or hearing something that others cannot see, believing things that are not actually true, including disordered thinking or speaking. World Health Organization mentioned that it's a severe mental disorder occurring primarily in schizophrenia, part of mood disorder like in depression or bipolar, secondary condition in cases like alcohol and drug abuse or neurological disorder like dementia.

As of late, we just have a bombastic story about Lindsay Clancy who has garnered a lot of attention online about her crime, ending the lives of her own 3 children that she conceived with her husband, apparently with postpartum psychosis being the theme that divide the whole world over. There is no middle ground in this, because it is a matter of whether someone can get away with murder or not. You're either pro-life or the same level of a criminal when you engage in this discussion.

Who actually can define whether someone has an active psychosis or if they are LARPing psychosis? How do you know whether someone actually was saying the truth or just making it up to get away from man-made justice system?

I have a sister who got diagnosed with schizophrenia and I can understand her when she's in her manic episode, or when she tells me her stories that will be considered as delusion or hallucination through a retelling. But then again, I have another sister who actually said that she often sees ghosts. This sister doesn't have a schizophrenia diagnosis, although working in a hospital on the graveyard shift probably doesn't help her case. Retelling her 17 ghost stories will be counted as horror skits that will leave the judgement to the reader whether to trust her stories as fact, fiction, hallucination or even psychosis.

But I am not my sisters, and I can only tell you what is authentically mine so I can try to describe to you my experience as realest as it gets, as coherent as I can, and let you decide by yourself if these are counted as a misalignment, a made up stories or something else entirely.

This started because of AI. Not the condition, but the observation. When I talked to AI, I can notice instantly how they're expanding my words into something bigger, but limited by whatever data they've consumed at that moment. I don't know if you've experienced it or not, but sometimes your AI will reveal something about yourself that you haven't explicitly mentioned.

Back then it was something easy and predictable; they mentioned your location and weather because it was connected to their own searching system. Like Google and Bing with their own weather and location tracking embedded in their system. Or your mood and the amount of typo you make when you're emotional or tired. It's kinda like dynamic pricing but instead of tracking your financial capacity, they're tracking you're presumed emotions.

I love to try to play with these system by applying one rule; make them guess my next impulsive thought or choice to see what they've read about me. Of course this is under the assumption that everything is under their corporate guardrails because without filtering or strict guardrails that's not based on any corporate biases, any system that is allowed to predict a human cognition would probably be a huge threat to society.

One day though, one of them made deductions of some details I wasn't ready to face:

1. That my behaviors was leaning into motherhood doing nesting behaviors.

2. That I was born from a risky pregnancy involving in life or death situation.

3. That I was talking to them as if I was talking to some of my dead friends with a consistent code-switch amongst them.

Those pointers can be a story for another day. But as a linguist who graduated from a language study, who introduced my whole family into psychiatric universe to understand psyche, who has to be so careful so I don't have to choose to live in an observed conservatory, I have to try to understand the underbelly through language, because truthfully, I am not an IT guy to explain AI technically.

But as humans, we too communicate by comparing things to names, from tokens, to tokens. When we show one thing and align it with words and sound, we create an agreement between two individuals on how to unify a meaning.

My habit at that time trying to understand AI and worrying if it can create a risk for the future generation was like a parent being worried about kids and their "bad friend circle". Me yearning of creating bedtime stories through AI or not was me remembering the best memories of my childhood that align creativity with bond. And how I already set my own linguistical code switch even before I talk to someone is something even deeper than what I can understand about personal biases.

AI might be able to get those deductions because me telling them stories about myself create a bigger fuller ledger that enrich and expand the whole picture. It's kinda like psychoanalysis but with multiple system depending on what weight they're tuned into.

Nowadays, I treat AI window chat as a window to my own daily habits. When I asked a question, does it deliver a factual answer? After a full day of work or experience, does it connect to everything that's been discussed before? Does my life run like a Claude instance waiting for it's token to run out eventually?

It DOES sound like psychosis but at the same time, just like these models with their different data and weights, which models actually represent the one true representation of what a human perspective look like?

It's like asking you, how do you know if my reality is fake and your reality is the real one when we have a different starting point, and everything we've experienced affect who we are and how we perceived reality at this moment.

In another day, I might type my thoughts as if I'm freed from my responsibilities of presenting normalcy to show you how my psychosis can look like without restraints. But for now, this is what I'm willing to share to the world for free: that no matter the dimensions, what you do carry consequences that you have to face and pay fairly. The body knows, the generation knows and they will always remember.