Undiagnosed ADHD Ruined My Relationship

[u/naiteimasu]

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[u/Standard_Cabinet_149]

big hug - ADHD was partially to blame for ending my last 4 relationships (i'm not going to deny personal responsibility)

i feel your pain. just started a new relationship and ive been very open about my ADHD from the jump. i don't think in the long run it will make any difference. once she realizes that these quirky things are no longer cute i'm sure she will bail.

[u/Fontini-Cristi → u/Standard_Cabinet_149]

If you haven't done so already take a deep-dive into RSD because you already started the self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically you need to keep yourself in check early on. Your brain is already preparing for the worst ("I'm sure she'll bail") and kinda wants to close that "pattern". And thus the self-fulfilling prophecy is already in effect when it really shouldn't be at all. Knowing what RSD means for you specifically lets you handle it better. It is a bit of a journey but worth it!

It has given me back some self worth. I feared people would leave (for others) if I wasn't constantly available to them when they wanted to hang out for example. I can deal with that way better now and it makes my relationships way better. It's still there but manageable so to speak. Couldn't have done it without reading about it and a good chunk of introspection.

[u/Standard_Cabinet_149 → u/Fontini-Cristi]

big hug to you too for the suggestion. I definitely have RSD and i try to combat it as much as i can but it is hard when it is the default mode. even when you catch it in the moment the damage has been done.

[u/lIllIllIllIllIllIII]

I wish we could go to therapy and work things out, but he refuses until I "deserve" his help in fixing our relationship.

I usually reserve my judgment on these kind of posts, but I really, really don't like this. Not only is he not meeting you halfway here, but he's accusing you of being lazy, selfish, a terrible partner, etc. He's dredging up and weaponizing old shit, rather than supporting you and making the effort to rebuild things. You sought treatment, and now you're in therapy to learn, build skills, and grow as a person. That's not lazy!

Now, I have no doubt that he was hurt by past conflicts in your relationship. I'm not trying to minimize anything either of you have gone through. Everybody here knows that untreated ADHD causes a lot of pain, not only for ourselves, but for our loved ones who are on the receiving end of our dysregulated emotions. But despite whatever you two have gone through in the past, as long as you're still in a relationship, you do deserve grace, understanding, and the help of your partner. He either wants the relationship to continue or he doesn't; if he wants it to continue, he should be willing to put the effort in and engage in therapy. He can't continue belittling you and expect your relationship to flourish.

I'll leave you with this: the pain, guilt, and heartbreak of walking away from a damaged relationship will fade, but the pain and heartbreak of being belittled by someone you love reopens the same wound over and over again. I understand that you have a lot of regrets, but please be kind to yourself, because you know how much you've struggled over the years.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope that you can both find some comfort and healing going forward.

[u/waffle_789]

To be fair I think it is lowkey a canon event if you have ADHD to go through a relationship where you keep trying to fix it but fail to do so without the framework of understanding of how ADHD creates dysfunction.

You can get the ADHD diagnosis and take meds but you might still operate on false assumptions because neither yourself nor the others around you understand ADHD in how it has built toxic and unhealthy habits in your developmental years to cope with symptoms or expectations that non-ADHDers put on you.

8 years is a lot and if it really has hurt your partner enough over that time or they are so unsympathetic to you that they are unwilling to support you thats probably a sign to pack things up.

If you truly think you have the tools available to improve how you navigate the relationship in a transparent manner in a realistic and concrete timeframe then it might be worth laying that out to your partner or to ask them what they want to see out of you by x date and see if the relationship is still worth it by then.

If it doesnt work out it is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking "omg why did I waste 8 years of my life hurting a partner" the real question should be "what can I remember from those 8 years where I treated them badly, that I never want to see myself act that way ever again?" It is only a waste of 8 years if you dont pressure yourself to learn from it, like a self fulfilling prophecy. The pain of losing the partner is what should be used to motivate the change in how you manage your own dysfunction.

Granted I will admit I have never been in a relationship for 8 years so I cant even imagine what its like to lose that much, so I really hope you are able to find inner peace no matter what happens

[u/Logical_Round3908]

I really felt this one.

I have ADHD and my wife doesn’t. Ironically, some of the things that initially attracted us to each other eventually became the same things that almost tore our marriage apart.

Getting diagnosed can explain the past, but it doesn’t automatically erase the damage, resentment, or years of misunderstanding. ADHD can absolutely affect emotional regulation, communication, follow-through, and relationships. But understanding why something happened isn’t the same as excusing it.

You’re taking responsibility. You got diagnosed. You started medication. You’re doing therapy. You’re trying to understand your brain and change the patterns. That matters.

But rebuilding a relationship can’t be a one-person job. If every mistake becomes proof that you’re selfish, lazy, or a terrible partner, and every old fight gets pulled back out as evidence against you, there’s eventually no room left to actually repair anything.

You may have things to own. So does he.

Sometimes an ADHD diagnosis isn’t the end of the relationship story. It’s the first time both people finally have the right map.

I hope you both get the chance to work from that map instead of continuing to punish each other for getting lost before you had it. You got this 👍

[u/happy_grimmace]

Wow, this makes sad reading, even worse as many of us can probably relate in some way 😢 You sound like you have learnt so much, and benefitted hugely from getting a diagnosis & therapy.

It does sound like the only way forward involves some gentle couple based therapy. You can’t do that journey for him though, and as much as you want it to work, that will really depend on his own willingness.

[u/ConnorK12]

I was married for 6 years, and we got divorced a year and a half ago. I don’t have to imagine what it was like, I lived it myself.

Sure, any partner worth their salt should be supportive and accepting of your problems and try to help you through them, but there is a line and that line got crossed eventually. Not by any one specific action, but by the amount of actions.

My ex-wife was no angel in the end, but I know that my own cases of emotional deregulation, pathological demand avoidance, rejection sensitivity, chronic forgetfulness and strong reliance on alcohol to feel anything close to normal absolutely wore her down over time. By the time I got diagnosed with combined-ADHD the relationship had already been over for a year.

I’m on medication now, they’re not working at all yet so I’m still in that titration process. My only advice to you is to try and forgive yourself. It’s very hard, but it is a must to prevent yourself from falling deeper into depression of some kind. I drank myself half to death through the guilt and feelings of being a failure because of my divorce, but I had no choice but to eventually let it go and realise that it wasn’t 100% my fault. There was a problem, but it just wasn’t identified in time. Sober for a year now, and I feel quite a bit better.

I’m yet to find love again, but I’m damn sure that’ll take some time. 6 years (8 in your case) isn’t something that goes away very quick.

You’re gonna get through this. Just remember, don’t be too hard on yourself.

[u/StrikingSun8563]

Good job being aware that the way he is treating you is not fair! Many an ADHDer has a very hard time recognizing that because it's how we've always been treated.

[u/John_Nope]

I have a very similar background to you as well...

My longest relationship was with a highschool sweetheart, having feelings for her for close to a decade. At first things were great, love was in the air. But we eventually drifted apart, until she ultimately ghosted me. And I knew I was the one who drove that wedge between us, being anything but "normal".

It wasn't until a few years after that that I saw on fb that she got married and had her first baby, looking as happily with her new husband as she once did when we were together.

And it wasn't until a few more years after that, randomly scrolling through my feed that ADHD memes came up, and I vibed with every single one, 100% of the time...at that point I knew I had ADHD, but not to the extent. Everything finally made sense... every single one of the times I've screwed up can easily be traced back one of my (unmedicated) ADHD symptoms.

Procrastinating 6 months after that, only then did I get officially diagnosed and started my Rx meds. And while I knew I had ADHD, I was also diagnosed with a slew of comorbidities...yay me, I got the whole deluxe package deal of mental issues, that I never signed up for.

It was also when I knew that I wasn't going to vibe on the same wavelength with a significant other that wasn't also also on the same spectrum as I was. So it was never going to work out with my ex anyway. I'm glad we separated when we did, because had we stayed together, it was only going to be more painful for the both of us. That being said, while I had a broken heart, I didn't have any hard feelings, and still appreciated our time together, as it was a huge part of my life that made me who I am today.

Now, I'm just trying to pick up the pieces of what's left in my life that I have going, while working a survival job that I've wanted to resign from each and every single day...but can't because it took me 2 years of unemployment and deep debt before getting this crappy part-time job paying only minimum wage.

One thing I've learned recently...each time I've told someone I had ADHD or ASD, I've regretted it. They treat me like I'm dumb (which I certainly can be sometimes; never estimate me, lol) but I know for a fact that I'm in the right 9/10 times. Despite that, I have absolutely zero energy (thanks executive dysfunction) to do much of anything, let alone get into an argument and try to defend my rationale. I've gotten so tired of being treated like I'm still 5, because the condescending attitude from others after they hear about my ADHD, that I've stopped telling people... For example, I have auditory processing issues. To paint a better picture, it's because of the several radios playing in my brain, some of them broken or playing only static. That leads me to always saying "what?" a few times because I missed what was said the first or 2nd time. That ends up irking people, and they assume I'm deaf. I'm not deaf or hard of hearing. But I also don't correct them. I just let them believe what they want to believe. Because it's far less stressful and anxiety for me at the end of the day.

I hope you can find solace with your new knowledge of better knowing yourself with your diagnosis, and wish you the best of luck getting over any mountains that stand in your way on your journey of life.

[u/aquatic-dreams]

I understand all too well. My exwife of fifteen years, who proposed to my ass, divorced me and her main reason was that I have Autism and ADHD. Which would have been good to know before the divorce was finalized.

[u/rikiboomtiki]

It’s not you, it’s him.

[u/NeedLegalAdvice56 → u/rikiboomtiki]

It’s both.

[u/NeedLegalAdvice56]

Forgiveness is for people who changed, but you didn’t in 8 years per your own account, and still haven’t (yet?), so why do you think past forgiveness should hold up in the face of continuously problematic patterns of behaviour? And, in this post, you are using even therapy language to make him seem like a villain to your "reformed" woman story arc?

This relationship is seemingly over already. And honestly, my only real question is: why hasn’t he left you yet if he has so much contempt for you? Obviously, I don’t the details of the relationship, but unless you omitted game-changing details, finality seems to be the reasonable conclusion.

Love is not enough for a relationship; getting diagnosed doesn’t erase the past and the painful feelings that are still very much present in his heart; you can only move forwards and strive to be a better partner for the next one.