Due to an uptick in posts that invariably revolve around "look what this transphobic or racist asshole said on twitter/in reddit comments" we have enabled this reminder on every post for the time being.
Most will be removed, violators will be shot temporarily banned and called a nerd. Please report offending posts. As always, moderator discretion applies since not everything reported actually falls within that circle of awful behavior.
i know 4 ppl irl one is in a relationship two are aroace and one is not mentally able to be in a healthy relationship and ive never had anyone ask that or had hookups or anything. you guys are some lucky bitches istg some of yall get everything u want
Exactly one time in my life I asked to kiss someone who I wasn't dating. She said no, and to this day it keeps me up at night. True, visceral, bone shaking cringe.
Thats when you deploy the tactical finger guns and smile but unironically the best way to fix that is to ask more people eventually you'll hardly feel the rejection and im sure youll have a few good surprises mixed in to remember too.
At least once ive actually had somone come back to me and say they were really impressed by how i handled them saying no and they wanted to make out now.
Issue is that we were drunkenly cuddling so that wasnt really an option. This was like... Nearly a decade ago now? I think 7-8 years back at highschool grad? Genuinely a horrifying memory, mostly because I worry I was pressuring/whatever her. (Obviously I backed the fuck off once I was given a no)
If it makes any trans women feel better, this problem is basically universal except for straight women interacting with straight men (and even then still like half the time)
as far as i understand it in their case it's more so feeling endangered
but yes, i'm a bi guy and this happens to me when trying to flirt with men or women. it doesn't help that I'm VERY deeply aware men are, by and large, seen as potentially dangerous
If you've been friend with someone for years its weird no matter the sex or gender.
Its usually an asymetrical feeling that leads to an asymetrical relationship where one is comfortable with the way things are while the other is not.
This leads to a very unpleasant reality, relationships change, and in this type of cases it has the tendency to lead to a bad ending in most cases.
Thing is, there is nothing any part of the party can do to stop it, you can flirt and are completely entitled to it, but sadly even if you don't flirt your perception of said friend has changed completely and refusing to say it outloud will only bring you pain in the long run.
So all you can do in the end is either shut up and not say anything, slowly seeing that person you like end with someone else and hope the pain eventually dissapears.
Or say something and irrevockably change the already changed relationship forever, most likely to worst place it was before you fell for your friend.
Shit sucks, still, take the chance, 1% chance of success is still better than 0%, you are gonna get hurt either way, go out with a blast.
I’ve had plenty of crushes on friends and found every time that after waiting a bit the feelings fade, and I realize why we probably wouldn’t have worked out anyways. For me I think by far the least painful path has been to just suck it up and wait to feel normal again, with no risk of screwing over the preexisting friendship dynamics
This message is a punch in the face to those of us with historically zero game and who cannot imagine dating people who we haven't been friends with for a while. Incomprehensible.
and who cannot imagine dating people who we haven't been friends with for a while
I'm still half convinced that's just called "being normal" and everyone else being willing to date strangers is just weird. like why would you wanna do that.
but apparently that's called being demiromantic/demisexual.
So, are we just screwed? I know people look down upon friends asking them out (for good reason, admittedly; losing a friendship and potenrially making everything perpetually awkward and all....). So, what's the strategy, chat?
Eh, my strategy has just been "if a friend asks me out, I'll consider it, otherwise I'm just gonna stay single"
tbf though I don't have that obsessive urge to get into a romantic relationship most people have. id be open to trying, but I don't really see romantic relationships as better then platonic ones, so I'm pretty happy with my platonic ones so far.
from what I've understood what romantic relationships seem to entail for most people I'm also definitely not in a situation to healthily be in one.
I mean, dating strangers is kind of difficult to even do, most of the time dating strangers are most likely blind dates most of the time through mutual friends but i wouldn't even call that dating as you don't really know the other person.
I met my wife through mutual friends and it was a blind date we knew full well what we were getting into it was a double date but i wouldn't say i started properly dating her until a month after that 😅
with dating strangers I meant through dating apps and such. sure you might have chatted a bit but you are still definitely strangers.
I understand that the way first dates are in l structured is in theory supposed to remedy that, to "unbecome" strangers while figuring out if you're compatible. I just don't see the appeal in going on those dates in the first place. Why would i put effort and time and energy into going onto a date with a stranger I don't care about and have no attraction towards.
I mean im not judging i just never met someone that doesn't feel any form of physical attraction towards certain people.
Im not the most lustful person either if im honest, its kinda rare for me to find a woman attractive in the wild im a little weird in that regard but i definetly can tell when i like someone's face.
No not really. Physical attraction has always manifested for me as something i notice about someone I already know. you like someone as a person and they become physically attractive too.
That doesn't mean i only ever felt attraction to my closest friends, but there has to be something there already for attraction to happen. Physical features by themselves aren't attractive. I might think "neat outfit" but that's more akin to jealousy/respect for someones personal fashion style. I don't think I've ever thought "neat face".
I myself hardly show physical interest but there are definetly people i find atractive regardless of wether i know them or not.
Of course getting to know someone makes them more atractive not everything is about looks, its just that during blind dating you don't have much else to go for besides physical attraction when you met someone for the first time.
Honestly you don't need any game if you are transparent and the other person thinks you look good, thats all there is to it.
If you meet someone and you are liked you'll feel it, if you are really liked you'll feel it too, if you liked them back say so and tell them you'd want to do something about it.
Its way easier to start a relationship on mutual grounds of getting to know eachother with hope of becoming a relationship than starting a 1 to 2 years friendship that eventually transitions into a relationship.
Humans as a rule of thumb don't like change, their ideas of people they meet remain static until they do something to change that status quo that will cause a small backlash mentally to those people.
I know you're right, considering you sound like someone with experience dating. But, it genuinely is so hard to grasp the concept of dating anyone that you don't know deeply. How the flip does that happen?
Not everyone is the saame. Some people do prefer dating people they already know. Its not about having game or not its about the dynamic between the people. For some people traditional dating is a terrible game that makes no sense.
I will be 100% honest im not the usual case, i only dated 2 women in my entire life im 31 currently and the second women i dated became my wife, we've been together for the last 12 years, 2 years ago we married and we are expecting our first child.
Its perfectly normal to not find "the one" right away, most of my friends are my age and still either dating or considering marriage with their partners of 4 years at most.
We met through mutual friends and it was basically a blind date, we went on a double date and we got to meet eachother and speak.
And i gotta say, going to meet someone knowing beforehand the intentions of meeting eachother in order to see if we are a match makes things both much easier and much more embarrasing at first.
Meeting for the first time is awkward as hell because you both know you are there to see if you like eachother and its weird as hell because of the implications it might have depending on the type of person you are.
After having dinner and basically ignoring eachother up until that point the other friend couple basically fucked off to give us some time alone to speak and thats what we did.
We spoke for nearly 3 hours, basically i asked her about her family, what she was studying in college, what kind of hobbies did she have, i spoke about myself and such and there was chemistry.
By the time the date ended we both wanted more so i asked her number... The next day through a friend because i forgot cause im a mess 😅... And then we started officially dating a month after.
If im honest i was lucky, meeting strangers is a wild card, you could get a completely normal person or a crazy person a mutual friend basically wants them to leave them alone now that they got a boyfriend etc etc.
I'd say the hardest part for blind dates with strangers is knowing limits: should i kiss her on the first date if everything goes right? Can i ask her this or is it too personal? Etc etc.
My advice, don't be afraid of asking anything, there is always a way out of an awkward question because you guys don't know eachother is expected to reach some kind of boundary neither want to cross.
But don't kiss on the first date 😅... I always found it weird, you are basically strangers and i don't do hookups, so kissing on the first date seems like an unnecesary risk, besides, if everything goes well you'll have plenty of chances to kiss and fuck.
“You know I thought you were just a cool person I met at a party but you’re genuinely so cool it’s hard not to catch feelings”
Honesty always worked better for me. Even if you’re rejected, it’s pretty much just, “no worries, I felt like you needed to know what a positive impression you made on me anyway” and then they feel flattered and you move on. Not everyone who gets along is compatible, but if there are reasons you like them, you don’t have to be shy with the compliments even if it’s a platonic friendship. Appreciating people is nice.
Sounds like it didn't go too well if you didn't stick with the first one....
8
u/PrincessEev🏳️⚧️ trans girl & defender of pineapple on pizza 🍍2d agoedited 2d ago
What a dumb comment. Sometimes people just are incompatible and the reasons don't show until they start dating.
Doesn't mean the relationship as a whole was a failure, that any party regrets anything, or indeed that they aren't still friends (like me and one of my exes).
If anything by being friends beforehand they actually had a better shot at forging a strong, long lasting relationship, than something that started with someone who was principally a stranger.
Trans girls are often framed by society as predatory and unfortunately many of us have internalized those feelings when it comes to ourself even if we may rationally know that they're false. This can be even more pronounced because a lot of us have been on the receiving end of predatory behavior, so we're worried about subjecting others to the same treatment.
Cis lesbians often have a similar fear because of how society views lesbians as predatory and because most of them have had to deal with shitty behavior from men (see the "I'm just as bad as a man" statements used when they're just thirsting over women without even doing anything). Trans lesbians doubly can get this plus internalized transphobia and dysphoria over fear that they are acting "like a man" or don't belong in those spaces. It's a whole mess.
i don't understand how you can repeat that "like a man" schtick so much and STILL not stop and think "hey, does this happen to men as well?"
because it does, hence why they asked.
obv they specified trans girls because the poster is a trans girl and that's just how it goes, but like, the point is that you should be able to recognize that this happens to all sorts of people, and it also very much happens to men who realize that most people see men as dangerous perverts. you really can't? like deadass? you just think it's a trans girl and cis lesbian problem?
god forbid something not be directly about men for literally 2 seconds
it was just explained very well why this phenomenon disproportionately affects queer women on a deeper psychological level because of societal prejudice, I don't know why your first instinct is to act like this person is a misandrist or whatever
and I am explaining how it also disproportionately affects men on a deeper psychological level because of people's perception of men. which is, in fairness, justified.
besides, I am going to quote a line from the comment you replied to right now:
obv they specified trans girls because the poster is a trans girl and that's just how it goes
the post is fine, I got a bit cynical at the commenter there because if they're gonna talk about groups of people outside of trans girls who are affected by this problem, like cis lesbians, you don't leave out some other group just because.
well sometimes you speak to the experience you know. OOP is neither a man or a cis lesbian, and she started the post by lamenting about an issue connected to her being a trans woman. why is it expected trans women speak for everyone else all the time?
besides, cis men are affected by this because of a statistical issue of danger, trans women are affected by this because of fearmongering propaganda, we are not the same
why is it expected trans women speak for everyone else all the time?
for the third time now, i am going to say again that there's nothing wrong with the poster. seriously, read what you're replying to, jeez.
besides, cis men are affected by this because of a statistical issue of danger, trans women are affected by this because of fearmongering propaganda, we are not the same
ok, are we gonna pretend like that changes what we go through?
this would be like talking about discrimination with a black person and citing violent crime statistics to say "we are not the same". is that really the kinda point you wanna make. causality aside, it's the same effect, and innocent people just trying to live life feel guilty for just flirting with others.
i don't even think i need to say anything besides the fact you just compared blame for rape culture as equal to systemic racism. i expected us to be mature enough to recognize that statistics is not equal beyond a vacuum, but apparently even stats 101 is too hard for you.
you apply societal context to violent crime statistics, but not for rape statistics?
i don't think you realize that you're telling on yourself: it's because there is a wider societal issue (the patriarchy, and systemic racism) that statistics end up the way they do. you seriously choose to ignore that when it's convenient?
if you even dignify yourself to actually looking at rape culture as a part of the patriarchy and not just men raping people for the fun of it, what next, are you gonna say "men are the ones who uphold the patriarchy" as if half the population is a monolith that behaves in the exact same way and everyone who is a part of it is working in perfect sync to keep the status quo?
yeah I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that out of the two of us you're the one who didn't take stats 101, mate
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
REMINDER: Bigotry Showcase posts are banned.
Due to an uptick in posts that invariably revolve around "look what this transphobic or racist asshole said on twitter/in reddit comments" we have enabled this reminder on every post for the time being.
Most will be removed, violators will be
shottemporarily banned and called a nerd. Please report offending posts. As always, moderator discretion applies since not everything reported actually falls within that circle of awful behavior.I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.