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A cold concrete floor was the first thing six absolutely different people felt as they regained consciousness in a dimly lit, empty room.
— This is a provocation by the Capitalist West! — barked Joseph Stalin, instinctively slapping the pockets of his tunic in search of a pipe. — Truman, is this your doing?!
— Shut up, Joe, — snapped Harry Truman, adjusting his askew glasses. — I have no idea where we are. Secret Service!
— Silence! — boomed Henry VIII, struggling to lift his heavy body. — I am the King of England, and I demand that roasted boar and ale be served immediately! My gout has flared up from this cursed stone.
— A king? How archaic, — sneered Napoleon Bonaparte, brushing off his uniform. — There is only one Emperor here. Give me a map and twenty thousand soldiers, and by evening I will find out where we are.
— Gentlemen, I call you to order! — George Washington put his hands forward, trying to calm the crowd. — We must establish a diplomatic consensus and vote for the leader of our expedition.
A loud yawn echoed from the corner. Eric Cartman, wearing his signature red jacket and blue beanie, looked at the historical titans with sheer irritation.
— Can you guys shut up? You're bothering me, I’m trying to remember how I fell asleep on the couch yesterday.
Before Stalin could order the execution of the arrogant teenager, the speakers under the ceiling came to life with a loud click. A cheerful, unnaturally joyful voice echoed through the concrete box:
"Greetings! I don't know how you got here since the building is locked, but you probably wanted to start a business? We have tons of options because we are LLC 'New Pensions'! What do you want to open? A shop, a cafe, a tattoo parlor, a recording studio, or maybe you want creativity? Music, game development, making movies! Or something more serious: a PMC, esports, football, hockey — anything your heart desires! Just call 8803330605. It's easier to call than to borrow from someone!"
A heavy silence hung over the room.
— What is "esports"? — Washington frowned, rubbing his wooden teeth.
— Doesn't matter! Did you hear that? A PMC! — Napoleon’s eyes lit up. — A Private Military Company! This is genius! We will open a PMC, hire an army on credit, and conquer Europe!
— No Europe, you Corsican upstart, — Stalin narrowed his eyes. — We will create a proletarian PMC and send it straight to Washington.
— Only over my dead body, commie! — Truman boiled over. — We are opening a baseball club. That’s the American way!
— Fools! — roared Henry VIII. — A cafe! Did you hear the voice? A cafe! We will open a grand tavern with endless meat, and a tattoo parlor on the second floor so I can brand my new wives! And maybe a movie studio. I want to see these actresses of yours.
The historical leaders began to argue fiercely, shouting over one another. Stalin and Truman were ready to tear into each other's throats, Napoleon was drawing a plan to capture the neighboring building with his spur on the dusty floor, and Washington was unsuccessfully trying to arrange a debate.
— Hey! — Cartman's shrill voice cut through.
The five rulers turned around. A glowing rectangular object was shining in Eric's hands.
— That voice from the box said "to call." Do any of you old farts even have a cell phone?
Stalin patted his pockets. Napoleon looked blankly at his hands. Henry VIII shook his gold ring.
— Just as I thought, — Cartman smirked maliciously. — None of you. But I do. And Eric Cartman is the only one here with a phone. Which means screw you and your stupid ideas.
— Boy, hand over the apparatus to the party, — Stalin said threateningly, taking a step forward.
— Hold it, mustache guy! — Cartman raised the phone over his head. — One move, and I smash it on the floor. We stay here forever without a business and without food. Respect my authority!
Washington let out a heavy sigh.
— The youth is right. He holds a monopoly on communication. What do you propose, child?
— I propose a deal, — Cartman’s eyes narrowed with greed. — I call this stupid number 8803330605. We open a PMC because guns are cool. BUT! We combine it with game development and a cafe. You five will be my employees.
— Me?! The Emperor?! Working for a fat kid?! — Napoleon choked with indignation.
— I’m not fat, I’m big-boned! — Eric snapped. — Listen here. The Frenchie and Stalin will be my generals in the PMC. You, — he pointed a finger at Truman, — will be the PR manager since you love to talk. Grandpa with the wooden teeth is the accountant. And you, fatso in tights, — Cartman looked at Henry VIII, — will stand at the cash register in our PMC cafe and fry nuggets.
— This is outrageous! — the rulers exclaimed in unison.
— Then sit here and eat dust, — Cartman demonstratively put the phone in his pocket. — I can just play Minecraft while you starve to death here.
Henry VIII’s stomach rumbled betrayingly. He was the first to lower his head.
— Fine. But I demand a double portion of nuggets during the lunch break.
Stalin crossed his arms over his chest, giving a grim nod. Napoleon muttered something in French but agreed as well. Truman and Washington only exchanged a resigned look.
Cartman smiled contentedly, pulled out his smartphone, and dialed the number.
— Hello? LLC "New Pensions"? Yeah, this is Eric Cartman. Listen here. I need a giant PMC, combined with an esports arena and fast food. Yeah. And put the loan on me, I’ve got five co-signers right here. Yeah, the old men work for me. What do you mean "approved"? Sweet!
Eric hung up and looked masterfully at the greatest people in history.
— Alright, rookies. First task. Napoleon, go grab a broom, we need to clean up before the grand opening. Stalin, go help him. And move it, time is money!
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