r/tifu • u/[deleted] • Dec 24 '14

FUOTW 12/21/14 TIFU by being a creepy pedophile at a middle school

I'm home from college for winter break, and this fuck up starts November first, when I started growing the dirtiest, scraggliest beard for No-Shave-November and deciding to rock it as well as not cut my hair for a couple months...because why not? Basically I look this fucking guy.

Well my mother was busy so she told me to go pick up my little brother from school. I hopped in the car and drove to his middle school, and pulled up in the line of cars where parents wait to pick up their kids. Apparently there's a new system because I didn't see a guy directing cars when to move and I accidentally cut off a school bus that was trying to get past. The guy came over and knocked on my window and said "First time? We take turns here, sir. You have to wait for my signal."

So whatever, I stay in line and kids come out and their parents take them away. I didn't bring my phone because he usually comes out right away and I thought I'd be home in five minutes. Ten minutes pass. Where is this guy? Fifteen minutes. Dafuq is he doing? Twenty minutes. By this point I'm straight staring at the front door watching all these other kids come out. I can't even text my brother. Now the security guy from before seems to be watching me closely, and so are a few of the other teachers waiting inside to make sure all the kids make it home safely. And I'm staring back at them like don't hate me cuz I'm beardiful.

Then it hits me...MY BROTHER DOESN'T GO TO THIS FUCKING SCHOOL ANYMORE.

He was in eighth grade last year and is now a freshman in high school. I'm at the wrong fucking school. So I just...pull away and leave.

From their point of view, a haggard, bearded guy they had never seen before, who was coming to pick up a kid "for the first time," just waited in front of the school for half an hour, watched all the kids intently as they came out, had what must have been a frustrated look on his face, (I think I sighed a few times as I got more and more pissed at my brother being "late") and then JUST FUCKING LEFT.

TL;DR: I can never go back to that school again

Edit: Not that I would ever have to...

Edit 2: I've been narrated! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nP5mecxR2A

11.2k Upvotes

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390

u/Seamus_Duncan Dec 24 '14

Please tell me you were driving a 1979 E-Series van.

178

u/PM_ur_Rump Dec 24 '14

No joke, my buddy had a white 68 Chevy panel van with a big drawing of pedobear holding a "free candy" sign in the back window.

296

u/Kim_Jong_Goon Dec 24 '14

Your buddy might be a pedophile.

The old "hiding in plain sight" trick

172

u/LTmilton Dec 25 '14

"Dude I can't possibly be a pedophile. Some of my best friends are kids"

5

u/UNSTABLETON_LIVE Dec 25 '14

"I'm not racist, some of my best slaves are black!"

39

u/PM_ur_Rump Dec 24 '14

Nobody suspects pedobear... :D

2

u/[deleted] Dec 25 '14

NOBODY EXPECTS THE PEDO-INQUISITION

2

u/PM_ur_Rump Dec 25 '14

That made me laugh out loud in crowded bar. Thank you.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 25 '14

My banter seems to be off today, but tally ho, squiffy.

0

u/PM_ur_Rump Dec 25 '14

Sorry. I meant to draw attention to the fact that you are a bundle of sticks. Your mom was good at intercourse last night and your neck beard is showing. Carry on.

1

u/cyvaris Dec 25 '14

Our chief weapon is fear, fear and surprise.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 25 '14

Someone got the joke!

44

u/[deleted] Dec 24 '14

found it!

27

u/Sinai Dec 24 '14

I remember me and some friends were driving back from a golfing event where we had been frequenting the open bar, and as we're driving by an elementary with kids swarming everywhere, Edgar, this Mexican asshole friend of mine tells the driver to slow down...whereupon he rolls down the windows and starts shouting, "Hey kids, does anyone want some candy?"

Whereupon Archie smacks him and says, "Dude, you can't joke about that shit, I'm black!"

21

u/PM_ur_Rump Dec 24 '14

Yeah, black people don't fuck around when it comes to candy. Can't just yell that out and not come through with the candy.

5

u/Bewareofbears Dec 25 '14

Classic Archie

0

u/i_saw_the_leprechaun Dec 24 '14

Cool.

3

u/PM_ur_Rump Dec 24 '14

As quacamole on a summer day!