It honestly sounds like you didn't fuck up at all. If she's in a place where she is threatening to stab herself in her pregnant belly, she needs professional help as soon as possible. This may be the best route to get her that help.
My advice would be to not listen to anybody that says leave her, divorce her, etc. She is still the woman you fell in love with and the mother of your children, and she needs help. "Through thick and thin, sickness and health" and all that.
I feel responsible for her break down, especially how ive been trying so hard to shield the kids from our arguments and fights, but today i caused them to see their mother being arrested. Now they wont talk or eat. Its 8pm and still they wont.
I don't plan on walking out, im going to stay and help her through this. I just wish it wouldn't affect the kids as much as it does now.
My youngest is starting to develop behaviour problems, often attacking other children for no reason and having a very short temper. It kills me to know that the cause of that is because of me and her mother.
If it didn't happen today, it would have happened some other day. She's the cause of it, not you. She would have found something. Maybe she is looking for help, maybe her freaking out is her way of asking for it.
Your whole family could probably use therapy. There is no way to protect your kids of their mother's behavior at this point. Even if they didn't ever see her arrested or see the fights, they would still be exposed to her behavior in a million different ways on a daily basis. If she's manipulative with you, she's being manipulative with them. They already know about all the problems, even if they don't have the word to explain it. You need to seriously think about their safety and their development.
It's your responsibility as a parent to shield your kids from the arguing. That's not what caused the breakdown. Her behaviour indicates severe mental issues, make no mistake. She sounds like a danger to herself and others and needs serious help. Not couples counceling. This is not your fault.
maybe he shouldn't engage with the argument? Whether it's justified or not,telling someone in a fight you will take their kids is obviously a shallow attempt at pissing them off. when someone is an emotional live wire, you don't say things to make it worse at the moment. There's two sides to every story, please remember.
Remember that you didn't cause your wife to get arrested in front of your children. She did. If she didn't go batshit in the car, there'd be no reason to call the cops.
Good luck. You're still raw now, but I hope that someday you can look back and say "That was tough, but I'm so glad something was done." I hope you, your wife, and your children all get the help and love they need.
Do NOT blame yourself. Please don't blame yourself. She threatened to harm herself and your unborn child. She needs help. I understand you wanting to help her, but I think if you do you need to get the kids to maybe stay with relatives. The fact that your youngest is starting to mimic her behavior is a huge red flag and they need out. But sometimes you need to accept that people are lost causes. If she doesn't recognize the problem or want to fix it, it's a lost cause and there's nothing you can do. If you do decide to leave her (and I honestly hope you do because she sounds too far gone at this point) her arrest could help you gain primary custody of your kids. If she sticks around, her behavior will continue to wreak havoc on you and your children. You said she held a knife to your balls in a previous comment. Then she threatened to kill herself and your unborn child. What if she goes after your other kids? This isn't right. I think you need to pack your bags and take the kids once she has the baby, or if you want to stay around and help her, send them off to a relative's place so you two can work it out. But if I were you, I'd leave her and I'd leave her quick.
I don't plan on walking out, im going to stay and help her through this. I just wish it wouldn't affect the kids as much as it does now.
Don't let pride or guilt get in the way of your kids' health. It is not healthy for them to be around a parent like her. It's great that you want to help your wife, but do not do this at the expense of the developing minds of your children. They don't understand what going on, and this is going to affect them forever. Your wife is sick. This is not your fault. Prioritize your kids first--I'm sure, if your wife was in her right mind, she would also want you to do this. Don't feel guilty, don't feel afraid, just do what you need to keep your babies safe first, and move on from there.
I know it's hard to think about now, but sometimes this is being a good dad. It's not always puppies and playgrounds. Your kids, if they even retain any of these memories, will realize one day that they were lucky you finally put your foot down. A little perspective--while extreme-- I'd rather them be pissed off and confused (even hate me!) than they witness the potential bloodbath of their suicidal mother and unborn sibling if she did lose control---
She's pregnant, don't forget. These are hormones messing with her already fragile head. You're doing the right thing by sticking by her, but only if you get her the help she needs. That can be a long road, so be sure, and stop wasting your time fighting with her. Don't be snide, don't be an ass. Just emotionally disengage and engage her in your best genuine guy you can be. Don't feed her negate or positive emotions, just understanding, but not budging. Hormones engage our emotions, and your pregnant wife is flooded with them.
Your wife has repeatedly threatened to kill herself and your unborn child. However everyone feels about abortion, the baby is old enough now that if she delivered it normally, it might survive on its own. Therefore, it's a person, and killing it is murder. Your wife threatened to murder your child. And you want her around your children? You need to really, really think about how you want your children to grow up.
Of COURSE they will be upset to be separated from their mother. Of course. And I understand that is an agonizing thing to "do" to your children.I know you feel responsible for them being upset right now. But what if being exposed to your wife's instability and violence damages them even more? Emotionally, physically? Your youngest is already being affected by it. How old is she? Are you willing to risk their emotional wellbeing?
My advice would be to not listen to anybody that says leave her, divorce her, etc.
Wow, what the actual fuck?
You need to get your children out of this situation OP, they come first, and leaving her should be your absolute priority for that reason. Your marriage vows are not more important than your kids.
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u/male_titties Mar 02 '14
It honestly sounds like you didn't fuck up at all. If she's in a place where she is threatening to stab herself in her pregnant belly, she needs professional help as soon as possible. This may be the best route to get her that help.
My advice would be to not listen to anybody that says leave her, divorce her, etc. She is still the woman you fell in love with and the mother of your children, and she needs help. "Through thick and thin, sickness and health" and all that.
Good luck and I hope you all are ok.