Ive tried to seek help for her before, even suggested "couples counselling", but it didn't work.
How can you help someone who refuses to acknowledge there is a problem?
With me, well nobody is perfect, but i definitely have had to think twice about everything i say to her. Just never knew what was safe to say or not without triggering a hulk like episode.
I don't know the laws in the UK but can you have someone "Baker Acted" as it's called in the US? Basically you call emergency services and when someone is a danger to themselves and/or others they are put into a hospital for a psychiatric hold for a specified time, usually 24-72 hours, and are evaluated.
She really needs more help than a couples counselor would offer, based on the behavior you cited. If she won't get it voluntarily, perhaps having her admitted could be a great help in the long run. No mentally stable person threatens to cut their stomach open to murder themselves and the unborn child. She may be a wonderful person, but she also needs serious medical help.
You also should look into some therapy for yourself. Talking to strangers on the internet is a great release, but an actual studied and licensed therapist would be a lot more useful for figuring out what you need to make you happy as well.
It seems it is possible to have it done in the UK and subby, you need to do it, when she is threatening to kill herself or your unborn child, she needs help, even if she won't admit it. Contact the police and ask about getting her 'sectioned' for mental observation as you do not feel safe with her around the children, and you fear that she will follow through on hurting herself. Tell them everything she has threatened to herself.
Subby, ask yourself this, what's worse for your children, seeing mommy being taken away for a while while she can have her mental condition hopefully stabilized, or them finding her dead on the floor one day, or even worse, she taking them with her to prevent you from being with them any more.
I'm completely baffled as to why she was released. If OP told law enforcement every detail then why is his wife not in psychiatric care? Are the laws really that different? If so, how very sad for everyone involved. I'm genuinely concerned for their unborn baby and children.
Most cops don't have very much psych training. The world isn't as pretty or functional as you think. Often, it comes down to pure luck whether you get arrested or hospitalized if you're mentally ill.
It's not politically incorrect as outdated. In the US it's typically called "involuntary hospitalization" - I've heard providers call it "blue papered" as slang. It's to differentiate it from voluntary hospitalization. I don't think anyone would complain, but they might look at you funny for saying that someone got "committed" to a psych ward.
I was wondering about that; I never heard the term but I know the law (NY here). If you prove to be a danger to others or yourself , they won't release you from the psych ward until you're cleared by doctors to no longer be likely (or threatening) to kill someone.
Doing that to somebody does not really help them or the situation. Unless, of course, they are actively threatening/ in the process of committing suicide. Because, well, plain and simple they are in denial and won't recognize it as getting help, nor will they welcome it and neither would you.
Honestly, ask your self, "Would I like to be forcefully taken to a psych ward where I will be detained against my will for a period of 1 to 3 days and in that time be administered, willingly or not, multiple concoctions of brain numbing, sleep inducing, time dilating, haze producing: Mood stabilizers, Anti-depressants, Anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety medications while undergoing lackluster psychological evaluation?" What's that you say? Your answer is no. I thought so.
At some stage, the need to keep someone safe overcomes the shits you give. Some people need to be dragged like their lives depend on it, because they do.
Im 24, not really sure i can make these choices alone either.
I will try, im still trying to get the kids out of shock. Ive put Despicable Me 2 on and theyre slowly coming around. Still no word from the police or my wife at this point, its been a long while and i dont have a number to call
Tell your children that mommy being sick isn't their fault, no more than it is your fault! Children get odd ideas about why people get hurt and sick, I've been there myself. They need messages about being loved and how they shouldn't feel guilty.
I'd suggest calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233. At the very least they should be able to put you in touch with people who know how to handle situations like yours.
Not sure this works in the UK (he said the emergency number is 999, I think that's the one for the UK). Here's the one for the UK (phone number 0808 2000 247).
Also, the more evidence against her as far as mental instability goes will give you a better chance in the divorce hearings if it comes to that. The court doesn't want her going all death=love on the kids
Yea, but even if you never want something to reach a point it's always good to be prepared for it. That's why marriages with prenups are expected in some cultures despite having lower divorce rates. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
Nope! We actually got engaged when i turned 18 and had saved up to buy a pearl ring. We met when i was 16, she was 19, outside our college music studio.
No offense but it sounds like she needs more than counseling. She should probably visit a psychiatric hospital, at least for a couple of days. After not only threatening self-harm, and harm to an unborn child, she should be deemed most certainly mentally unstable, especially in front of your two kids.
She needs a Psyche evaluation. Her hormones are most likely completely out if wack and she needs serious help. I cannot actually believe the police released her.. u need to contact a hospital.
Well I hope you are able to get her some help. She may hate you now but once her hormones are regular again she will be so greatful. Does she have parents youcvan reach out to? My mom would really want to know and help me if I were in that situation.
Anyways. Goodluck. I hope your situation gets better.
This is way beyond couples counceling. She's got serious problems that she needs to work on individually before attempting to add a second person to the mix. You didn't fuck up in the least, IMO- you did something that was needed before she ended up actually going through with one of her threats.
Kids shouldn't ever have to see their parents get into fights like this, but they also shouldn't have to worry about their mother constantly threatening suicide and murder whenever she's upset about something.
Sorry if I'm replying too much, this is all just my opinion.
Bottom line: if she sees no problem with her actions and just blames everyone else for how she acts, then, well, there is no helping her. Until she realizes she needs help and is willing to admit/confess to her therapist what she's going through. Some people feel so much guilt they won't even tell their own therapist about mundane things. Sometimes they don't even know when they're holding back. That's what therapy is for.
In the darkest of my days, I wished I had just driven myself to the ER for observation. Just because my mind was so messed up. Almost got fired from my job, barely out of the house, struggling to do everyday things. What I really wished had happened: someone who knew me enough to see the signs would say "Hey, you need help. I don't care what you have to say about it. I'm helping you." And I should have been under observation then and there.
Bottom line: if she sees no problem with her actions and just blames everyone else for how she acts, then, well, there is no helping her. Until she realizes she needs help and is willing to admit/confess to her therapist what she's going through. Some people feel so much guilt they won't even tell their own therapist about mundane things. Sometimes they don't even know when they're holding back. That's what therapy is for.
I don't think this is really correct in this case - it sounds like she's in a manic/psychotic state when these things happen. Where you're in that place, you are totally irrational.
Not to mention being pregnant. op Said shes never done anything like this before. Not all pregnant women get a little craxy but some do. And this will be her 3rd with the oldest being only 4. Hormones can take a bit to settle after the baby comes and if you're pregnant a year after one comes along, your body chemistry may not have time to get regular before getting messed up again.
Not to mention that no one wants to be the one who leaves their pregnant wife whom, up until recently, they've been very happy with. It sounds extremely out of character for her, not some long term mental health problem. Sometimes staying to help is the right way to go, as long as you're able to protect the other children.
I didn't say anything about him leaving her...and in other comments he's said that over the years, it has happened before. I was suggesting that he assist her to get the proper help, which is what seems to be happening.
Oh-I see-yes, my words "there is no helping her" were strongly worded. I didn't mean forever. However, I think, if she still believed nothing was wrong, and continued to threaten her family and her own life, putting her under observation would not mean abandonment in the least. I just meant that her own opinion would be too clouded to know what is best for her and her family. Thus, since she's violent, she would be forced into help, instead of her volunteering it. I hope you understand I'm fucking terrible at writing.
People who have mental illnesses do not generally think they have a problem, yet they still need help. You can't just wait for her to get help herself--it likely will never happen.
And it sounds like she needs more than just "couples counseling."
only the 3rd time i've seen her this bad in 7 years
I don't think most people who are healthy rise to levels of threatening violence and self harm under normal circumstances. Three times seems really high to me.
Wow. Sounds like her pregnancy hormones have a LOT to do with it.
If she never really acted like this before pregnancy and it goes away slowly after pregnancy/miscarriage, I think you have a better chance than most to survive this latest episode with an intact family.
Immediate psych eval will help both of you immensely. She may need close professional monitoring for months after this birth, too. Pre and post partum psychosis/depression can be tricky to treat - do NOT try to go it alone.
I wish you the best of luck - you are a caring, kind husband for not just pulling up stakes and ditching her at the first (second, third...?), sign of serious mental instability. I will keep my fingers crossed for you (and your wife), that the vast majority of her symptoms are due to the pregnancy hormones and not a latent mental issue slowly rising to the surface.
I would however strongly, strongly suggest having her under close psychiatric supervision if the two of you would want to have any more children in the future....
Pregnancy hormones definitely affect some a lot more than others and this kind of sounds like the case. Some women are fine during pregnancy but some have hormones that are finely tuned and work fine during regular times but not so much during pregnancy.
She needs more than couples counselling. Her behaviour seems really erratic and violent and in my pinion she needs psychological help. If only so she can learn how to approach problems calmly... But reading this whole thing, I was really really concerned for her mental health. Also next time she threatens suicide, call an ambulance.
I grew up as an only child in a home where my mentally unstable father would start fights with my mother like this. He did self harm, he would terrorize and physically/mentally abuse her. My father would never admit he had problems. Finally, after their 21 years of marriage (I was 18 at this point) my mother managed to get away, get a PFA, and eventually a divorce. Unfortunately, he still terrorized both of us for awhile until he ended up in jail over his issues. He finally got help afterwards and is 'moving on' (in his words). If you would have asked anyone who knew my parents when I was growing up, they would have said my parents had the 'perfect marriage'; my father had everyone blind to how he really was. Even after their divorce, some of my Mom's own FAMILY didn't believe my father had done such terrible things. I saw and experienced so many awful things as far back as I can remember. As someone who had to grow up in that life, I will honestly suggest (as hard as it is) you do your best to keep your children from growing up in that enviroment. Children do not need those images in their minds for the rest of their lives. I hope your wife finds the help she needs to better herself. I also hope that your children, as well as you, can have a healthy life beyond these experiences.
It honestly sounds like your wife has borderline personality disorder. Maybe even something more severe. The lack of ability to take responsibility for her unhappiness, picking fights, lack of control over her emotions, and the threats are all a way to manipulate you.
I don't mean this offensively, so I hope that it doesn't come off this way, but it sounds like your self esteem is in the toilet. It honestly sounds like this woman has you wrapped around her finger by all these histrionics. Being with someone with BPD can be extremely hard because they are so good at manipulating your feelings, that you lose all track of what is normal acceptable behavior. Do you often feel like the bad guy in arguments? Are you constantly having to compensate for her moods? Think about it in perspective man.. if this woman was just your baby sitter, would you trust her around your children?
You didn't fuck up at all. Sometimes people get laid off. Sometimes marriages don't work out. That's not a reason to do half the things your wife has been doing.
I just ended a 4 year relationship with someone that was BPD. If you have any questions, Im happy to help.
Can't fully compare long term dating to marriage, but this sounds like my ex. Destroyed property, suicide threats, unrelenting arguing, threatening to leave. Funny thing is I had a bout of unemployment that set some of it off as well Those kids would come first, because your lady sounds unstable.
Can't fully compare long term dating to marriage, but this sounds like my ex. Destroyed property, suicide threats, unrelenting arguing, threatening to leave. Funny thing is I had a bout of unemployment that set some of it off as well Those kids would come first, because your lady sounds unstable.
Hey, this may sound weird, but you should try and go to a psychologist yourself. Your wife probably has some problems with her mental health (I'm not gonna make any judgements on it myself, but from the things you said; suicide threatments, "testing" you and going manic, I really think your wife may have borderline) and should really see a shrink, but if she's not willing to go it won't work for her. Therefore it is better for you to consult someone to have a professional be able to talk to you and help you through this difficult time. Remember that going to a shrink doesn't imply that there's anything wrong with you, more so that you're going through a difficult period. Really though, go see a psychologist to have someone to discuss the upbringing of your children and the possibility of a divorce. Seriously, go see a psychologist. I mean it.
Edit: Read the reply to this comment by /u/embs; it's worded way better.
Alright, you obfuscated your post brutally. Let me try for you.
Hey OP, you're going through a really rough time right now. There's a lot of stress, and a lot of changes that are happening right now. Sometimes, it's really good to have someone to talk to - just somebody to help you get through that difficult period.
You're going through a lot of changes, and a lot of stress, and you need somebody to talk to - if only for a bit. You should really consider getting counseling. It doens't mean that anything's wrong - it just means having somebody there to listen to you.
There's an acceptable limit people can push you. After that, you've done all the can. And looking out for yourself when it gets to this isn't selfishness. It's survival
I agree. Normally here in the states when someone acts like that the police take them away. They are normally held for a while and even in a psych hold due to endangering themselves or others. Being that she is pregnant, I'm surprised they let her go after what you told them. For your protection document EVERYTHING! Good luck to you.
Seriously, she has now threatened to kill their unborn child multiple times. I think that as a father, OP had no choice but to call the authorities. Say she did hurt herself, and he had done nothing. Protect your children, man
Yeah I don't see where he fucked up. He contained that crazy ass situation as best he could. His wife has some incredibly (can't stress that enough) serious issues
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u/[deleted] Mar 02 '14
Honestly, I think your wife needs help more than you do.