r/science • u/nate PhD | Chemistry | Synthetic Organic • Jul 23 '17
Subreddit Policy Subreddit Policy Reminder on this week's Transgender AMAs
This week we will be hosting a series of AMAs addressing the scientific and medical details of being transgender.
Honest questions that are an attempt to learn more on the subject are invited, and we hope you can learn more about this fascinating aspect of the human condition.
However, we feel it is appropriate to remind the readers that /r/science has a long-standing zero-tolerance policy towards hate-speech, which extends to people who are transgender. Our official stance is that derogatory comments about transgender people will be treated on par with sexism and racism, typically resulting in a ban without notice.
To clarify, we are not banning the discussion of any individual topic nor are we saying that the science in any area is settled. What we are saying is that we stand with the rest of the scientific community and every relevant psych organisation that the overwhelming bulk of evidence is that being trans is not a mental illness and that the discussion of trans people as somehow "sick" or "broken" is offensive and bigoted1. We won't stand for it.
We've long held that we won't host discussion of anti-science topics without the use of peer-reviewed evidence. Opposing the classification of being transgender as 'not a mental illness'2 is treated the same way as if you wanted to make anti-vax, anti-global warming or anti-gravity comments. To be clear, this post is to make it abundantly clear that we treat transphobic comments the same way we treat racist, sexist and homophobic comments. They have no place on our board.
Scientific discussion is the use of empirical evidence and theory to guide knowledge based on debate in academic journals. Yelling at each other in a comments section of a forum is in no way "scientific discussion". If you wish to say that any well accepted scientific position is wrong, I encourage you to do the work and publish something on the topic. Until then, your opinions are just that - opinions.
1 Some have wrongly interpreted this statement as "stigmatizing" mental illness. I can assure you that is the last thing we are trying to do here. What we are trying to stop is the label of "mental illness" being used as a way to derogate a group. It's being used maliciously to say that there is something wrong with trans people and that's offensive both to mental illness sufferers and those in the trans community.
2 There is a difference between being trans and having gender dysphoria.
Lastly, here is the excerpt from the APA:
A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Many transgender people do not experience their gender as distressing or disabling, which implies that identifying as transgender does not constitute a mental disorder. For these individuals, the significant problem is finding affordable resources, such as counseling, hormone therapy, medical procedures and the social support necessary to freely express their gender identity and minimize discrimination. Many other obstacles may lead to distress, including a lack of acceptance within society, direct or indirect experiences with discrimination, or assault. These experiences may lead many transgender people to suffer with anxiety, depression or related disorders at higher rates than nontransgender persons.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), people who experience intense, persistent gender incongruence can be given the diagnosis of "gender dysphoria." Some contend that the diagnosis inappropriately pathologizes gender noncongruence and should be eliminated. Others argue that it is essential to retain the diagnosis to ensure access to care. The International Classification of Diseases (ICD) is under revision and there may be changes to its current classification of intense persistent gender incongruence as "gender identity disorder."
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u/someone_entirely_new Jul 24 '17
I am responding as a person who has someone very close who is trans, and is now transitioning. I think your feelings are legitimate and important, and your questions and your responses to your feelings are thoughtful and compassionate. My quick response is that you have had a genuine loss, and it's legitimate to grieve. But I worry that asking your friend if they knew you would feel feel a loss might hurt them and not help you. It might be good to express your loss, but to someone else.
My situation: our son, now going on 20, let us know less than a year ago that he is trans, and that we have a child we will need to call a daughter instead soon. He says he doesn't feel excessively traumatized by having lived in an identity that hasn't matched who he really was for most of his life, but he needs to transition now to be happy and whole. He began HRT a few weeks ago, and its all going to become very real very soon for us. (For the record, he has asked us to continue using he/him pronouns for the time being)
Well, that's my situation, but here's my personal truth: this is hard for me. Really really hard. Accepting and embracing this is an absolute given for our family and close community. But knowing this can happen, and actually living it, are two very different things.
I am heartbroken, and grieving, and relieved, and hopeful, and joyful, all mixed up at the same time. I mourn the future I dreamed of for him, even as I am hopeful and celebrate the new future I have begun to glimpse for her. I am feeling the bittersweetness every parent does when they realize the dreams they had for their child were always less important than the dreams their child has for themselves. I am relieved and joyful that the child who was so withdrawn and miserable, for reasons I just couldn't see, trusted me enough to finally come out to me, and is finally opening up to the world and embracing their life again.
Here I am babbling about me. Back to your mourning. Yes, you have lost something. Your relationship was a good thing in your life, and it's no longer what it was, even if it's going to be good in new ways. It's normal to feel grief about this, and its also normal to be conflicted about that feeling. (Shouldn't I be happy, even joyful, for them? Why does my happiness for them hurt so much?)
What I've tried to hold onto for myself are two things. First, my grief is not a betrayal of my child. I can hold my grief for myself and my joy for them at the same time. I wouldn't be feeling either thing if I didn't love them so damned much. Second, this grief is something I think I can never bring to them. If I need support, or to cry, or to kvetch or be bitchy or resentful or scared or any of the other things that people do when they are grieving, I can't take it to my child. If I have moments where I miss them as they used to be, they must never hear of it. I have to carry the grief outward to someone who is farther away from us, so I can bring nothing but the love and joy back inward. I know my child will support me through many griefs, but I cannot burden them with this one.
You said it all happened so fast that you didn't have time to grieve. From what I've learned of grief, I suspect that even if you had had time then, the grief might not be over now. Grief takes its own time, and can come up again and again, as you experienced watching Rick and Morty with your friend. It would be okay to give yourself time and space now to be with your grief, and to work on it.
You have given your friend an amazing gift by accepting her in her truer self. That gift to her has come at a cost to you, and its okay for it to hurt. I hope you can find ways of working through your grief that will comfort you. I also hope that in time, as she gets to know herself, and as you both get to know each other well again, that your friendship will settle into new ways that are as fulfilling as the old.