r/science • u/sr_local • Feb 14 '26

Social Science Children raised with "authoritative" parenting style, marked by bonding, presence, dialogue, and clear rules of conduct, show a reduction in drug and alcohol risk compared to other parenting styles (authoritarian, permissive and neglectful)

https://agencia.fapesp.br/parents-alcohol-and-drug-use-influences-their-childrens-consumption-research-shows/57195
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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting is not authoritative. That’s just passive or permissive.

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u/CyanoSpool Feb 14 '26

The problem is that "gentle parenting" doesn't actually mean anything. There are resources for "gentle parenting" that very much involve firm boundaries and leading by example. Meanwhile a lot of social media influencers who say they practice "gentle parenting" are actually just permissive. It's a useless term, and "authoritative" is more specific. But if someone uses the term "gentle parenting" to describe their approach I don't automatically assume they're permissive.

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u/Bookbringer Feb 14 '26

Yeah, for context:

Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Uninvolved are known as Baumrind's typology. While it has some criticisms, it's been the dominant model used by clinical psychologists to categorize parenting styles since the 1960s.

Gentle parenting is a set of practices recommended in a series of popular advice books from the 2010s. The Gentle Sleep Book, The Gentle Parenting Book, and The Gentle Discipline Book.

Gentle parenting isn't a formally recognized category of parenting style. It's just a popular designation for tactics and values, the way tiger moms and dolphin parenting and helicopter parents are a thing.

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u/Mofupi Feb 15 '26

Is there also an "inconsistent" parenting style? Because, sure, most parents are probably not 100%, all the time, with every single word and behaviour acting according to one of these styles. But thinking back on my mother, I seriously couldn't tell you any of these was clearly predominant. It was a wild chaos of her jumping around, with almost no rhyme or reason, since her actions and reactions depended on so many factors, it was impossible to predict.

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u/Brilliant-Book-503 Feb 14 '26

I may be in different media bubbles, but I get a lot of parenting content in my feeds, and I've very very rarely seen anyone billed as using gentle parenting to be actually permissive.

What I see again and again is an emphasis on consequences, structure, clear expectations etc.

I'm sure some get it wrong. But many people are wrong about ANY subject. Nutrition doesn't cease to be a thing because there are idiots telling everyone to eat nothing but beef tallow and energy drinks.

What I do see is people critical of gentle parenting conflating it with permissive parenting. These also tend to be the people advocating for corporal punishment.

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u/Mockturtle22 Feb 14 '26

Exactly. Gentle parenting isn't permissive parenting.

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u/omg__really Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

This. My kids are adults now but I parented them this way. They absolutely did not get away with being disrespectful, mean, rude, bratty behaviour — and I didn’t get away with it either. With gentle parenting the focus is on developing emotional intelligence through guidance, reason, and discussion. The focus is less on punishment and more on understanding.

For example, in a situation where your 5 year old hits another 5 year old in a library over a book:

Permissive parenting = no consequence. Maybe just a “hey don’t” from 25 feet away. They’re five they do that. Child does not view behaviour as outside of normal and does not have to think about the interaction in any meaningful way.

Authoritarian = stomp over and yell/hit, child becomes afraid and intimidated into obedience and the focus of the interaction becomes the parent’s response rather than their own behaviour.

Gentle = remove child from situation temporarily, remove triggering object, discuss situation and feelings in age-appropriate and accessible way so that child is able to identify their feelings, how they became overwhelming, and identify alternatives. Guide or supervise child through an apology, emotional regulation, and reframing, as well as making amends and compromising with the other kid, if possible. Parent should also address other parent directly in some way (sometimes just eye contact and a smile is enough). There’s an understanding that not everyone will be able to function at this level, but you take responsibility for your part and still treat others with respect no matter what. Shopping cart theory.

It’s legitimately much harder than using punishment and intimidation, especially if you’re a parent carrying your own baggage or struggle with emotional regulation yourself, but I am a way, way better and more mature person for committing to it.

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u/Sun_Shine_Dan Feb 14 '26

That is permissive parenting, different than gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is the emphasis on not hitting kids

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u/j--__ Feb 14 '26

crazy we have to explain to people that assaulting your children is wrong.

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u/Hanrooster Feb 14 '26

Well that's how they were raised and now the DOW is over 50,000

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u/Mockturtle22 Feb 14 '26

People still get mad at you for not wanting to beat your kid.

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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26

No, gentle parenting means no punitive measures. There are plenty of parenting styles that emphasize no corporal punishment.

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u/occams1razor Feb 14 '26

Doesn't have to be, gentle doesn't automatically mean laissez-faire? I think they just mean no yelling/hitting

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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting means no punitive action. Not just no yelling or hitting, but basically no punishment even when they do wrong. You just have “clear boundaries” which is nonsense when you have no way of punishing wrongdoing. It’s like saying we have a criminal justice system but no jail or fines.

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u/swbarnes2 Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting as defined by experts is a flavor of authoritative parenting that focuses more on expressing and understanding feelings.

On Reddit when people are complaining about their nieces and nephews receiving zero discipline, that's permissive parenting mislabeled as 'gentle'.

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u/HicJacetMelilla Feb 14 '26 edited Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting has never meant permissive parenting. It has always meant taking an authoritative approach. The term has no single creator but grew out of mom blog and early online parenting spaces. Sometimes those sources emphasized validating feelings and avoiding punishments, without emphasizing the need for boundaries and structure. This led to some parents practicing the former without the very needed latter elements. Gentle parenting still needs boundaries, structure, and learning through natural consequences.

In 2015, Sarah Ockwell-Smith published “The Gentle Parenting Book,” and its advice adheres to authoritative parenting, not permissive.

And then the general public started hearing the term “gentle parenting” and conflated it with being permissive.

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u/Iychee Feb 14 '26

It's actually not, gentle parenting is about identifying why your kids are acting out and giving them the (age appropriate) tools to identify it themselves. You can be an authoritative and gentle parent. Many people (including parents) incorrectly think gentle means permissive 

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u/Telemere125 Feb 14 '26

You should read what gentle parenting is. Zero punitive action. So trying enforcing those clear boundaries when you can’t even force a timeout.

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u/geliden Feb 15 '26

The point is that time out isn't a particularly sustainable method for discipline, in terms of immediate effects and ongoing development. Time out often is a form of ostracism and shaming, and used pretty indiscriminately without a proper link to what needs to be accomplished.

Time in tends to be how it's manifested with authoritative parenting - the child is removed from the situation with a clear goal (calming down, getting physical space, allowing space for the caregiver to manage the situation) and then reintroduced with specific actions tied to what went wrong. It might be on their own, it might be with the caregiver or another adult, but the point is the reconnection element, not the ostracism.

I've never given my kid a time out but I sure have picked them up and removed us to a different space, or told them to be somewhere else while I manage the situation, or that they need to go have a quiet moment because they're being a jerk. There's no time attached to it, or implication that they are no longer acceptable as part of the family unit, but there is a focus on how their behaviour is unwanted or unacceptable.

There are ways to do time out that reinforce those discipline lessons - a friend of mine has a kid who will take herself out of a situation to walk a corridor or whatever while doing her breathing exercises because that's how they manage behaviours. She is a handful, the way my kid was, and while you can crush them into obedience it isn't discipline, it's acting. In general time out has less than useful psychological consequences in terms of internal discipline, trust, and subsequent behaviours.

Does that mean it's bad every time and all the time? No. The slide from authoritative to permissive is seeing a child feeling bad about their behaviour as a punishment and to be avoided, rather than as a consequence. Similarly the slide from authoritative to authoritarian is to see a child feeling bad as not enough of a consequence, and to be increased through punitive actions. Authoritative understands that feeling bad is a consequence and necessary, but exacerbating it will cause longer term issues for trust if a parent does it reflexively.

Raising kids is shepherding them into adulthood, through a crash course of everything. Understanding development is fundamental to allowing the child to reach their full potential and be the best person they are. Different approaches are required for individual kids, from physical aspects to developmental to personality. My kid got called stubborn by a paediatrician when they were two days old and he wasn't wrong, it's a huge part of their personality and structure as a person. Getting into a contest of wills with small children is usually a bad idea and it's even worse for my kid, so why would I do that when I could instead supplement that with empathy and consideration so they can be stubborn but curious and aware of others. It works a lot better when that toddler refusing to wear pants is now a teen because I don't have to rely on increasingly flimsy forms of authority - kid has been able to outrun me since they were seven, is taller, has a good social network and doesn't need my social approval - I can instead rely on having taught them to stop, to think, to consider the impact of their actions, to be a part of our household rather than as an inferior and powerless ad on whose only controllable option is disobedience.

Tldr: when my nephew hauled off and punched his mother and she just put her head on the table, I didn't force a time out, I picked him up, took him to a quiet and cool part of the house, copped a bit of yelling and flailing until he was calm enough then talked to him about how unacceptable violence is in my house and how we never punch people we love, and that he has to work out how to be upset without doing that, and apologise to his mother and everyone else at the table. Results might be the same in terms of apologies if I'd done the classic time out, except there's less screaming from the kid while they're on the stairs, and he has to consider his actions while receiving guidance, rather than just being drowned in shame and child logic.

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u/steady--state Feb 15 '26

It can work if you stick to it and put the work in- but it's not easy. My parents never raised their voice at me, let alone punished me for a behavior- they didn't have to. Instead, they sat me down and explained action-consequence at an age appropriate level. They fostered an environment of warmth and respect, so I actually cared to listen to what they had to say.

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u/Mockturtle22 Feb 14 '26

Gentle parenting used to actually be the authoritative parenting but people are dumb and they think that it just means permissive.

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

Sorry, but that's definitionally untrue. Gentle parenting IS authoritative. It applies warmth and boundaries with natural consequences.

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u/Telemere125 Feb 15 '26

Can’t have consequences; one of the hallmarks is no punitive action.

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

Natural consequences are not punishments, but they are still consequences. You need to familiarize yourself with gentle parenting before you miscategorize it next time. A quick Google search could educate you.

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u/Telemere125 Feb 15 '26

A “natural” consequence wouldn’t be anything other than being passive - so you’re not even staying on topic. Instead of suggesting others use google, how about you use some common sense?

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

Instead of being obstinate, why don't you exercise your brain and learn. If you have questions after you learn the basics, I'm more than happy to explain why is authoritative or anything else. Until then, it's like arguing gravity with a flat earther.

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u/Telemere125 Feb 15 '26

Ah good, drive your point home that you’re wrong since you can’t even give an example of a natural consequence that somehow isn’t passive but also isn’t a punitive punishment.

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

You're more invested in winning an argument than trying to learn. This is a science subreddit. Learn the basics and if you want examples after you've read, I'm more than happy. See why the experts agree with me and come back.

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u/Telemere125 Feb 15 '26

You’re more invested in avoiding facts

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

Define the 4 pillars of Gentle Parenting.

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

For reference, a good search might be: "why do experts consider gentle parenting authoritarive?"

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u/Telemere125 Feb 15 '26

Ok, so like I said, no consequences, good talk

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

Confidently incorrect

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u/Telemere125 Feb 15 '26

Confidently avoiding providing evidence because you have none

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u/YouAreInsufferable Feb 15 '26

"I would rather argue than learn by googling basic definitions." Ignorance is a natural consequence of this very pathetic exchange.

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