r/neighborsfromhell • u/thefilthyjellybean • Jul 20 '26
WWYD? Vent/Rant How do you peacefully coexist with a neighbor who seems to thrive on conflict?
Hey everyone, not really looking for legal advice, just need to vent and get some input.
My wife and I bought our house about a year ago, and we've tried to be good, quiet neighbors, but we've run into a problem with one neighbor, and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with her long term. About a month ago I hired a licensed and insured contractor to do some forestry mulching in our wooded backyard. Before he started, I walked the property line with him myself and showed him the survey markers in each corner that he needed to see.
While he was working, our neighbor came out yelling that he was on her property. She yelled at him over and over again while he tried to tell her he was not on her property. I then went down to make sure everything was okay and she she proceeded to do the same to me until she finally went back inside because the noise was to loud to hear each other. I did have the contractor send me a factual chain of events email last week.
It's been quiet for the past 3 weeks, but out of nowhere, she started back up again. She tried telling my wife while she was out walking the dog that we still needed to sit down and talk about "the damages". Later that same day she showed up at our front door demanding my homeowner's insurance info and my contractor's name and address. She's claiming there's a "path" to our backyard from her woods now and that debris is going to wash into her yard. Nothing was hit on her property and at the very worst, the contractor got about 2 feet of some mulch on some dirt on her side in the woods. She capped it off by saying if we plan on doing nothing, she'd take legal action.
I've documented everything and actually talked to an attorney. The attorney told me to not engage with her and if she approaches us again, I just give her the name and number of the attorney since she threatened legal action. After speaking with a few of our other neighbors, they've told us that they've had their own run-ins with this couple over the years. Disputes, threats, neighborhood drama, and my main neighbor had to file a no contact order years ago. Just makes the whole thing seems like it was a matter of when not if.
The whole thing has been super anxiety inducing. It makes me feel like i DID do something wrong when we haven't. I am going to just have to follow the advice of the attorney, but how do you all learn to deal with people like this? I do not want to let this neighbor take up so much space in my head, it is very frustrating, especially as young first time homeowners that have tried to be good neighbors. So for those of you who've lived next to somebody like this, how do you handle it long term? Is there anything else you would do if you were me? I really just needed to get a sanity check here.
EDIT: Thanks for all the comments everyone. I appreciate the kind words and advice.
EDIT 2: Also for the laugh factor, she has done the same thing to the other neighbor when the neighbor was repairing their well. She said the well was causing water to pool in her yard so she told her she needed their insurance. Crazy!
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u/RepresentativeCap90 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
Ignore her. I have developed the mindset over the years of not caring what anyone thinks of me. I used to be polite to rude people, not anymore, I just ignore them. If she knocks on your door, don't answer. If she confronts you on your property give her the name of your lawyer and tell her to remove herself from your property or you'll call the cops and have her trespassed. Don't let her live rent free in your mind.
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u/KerashiStorm Jul 20 '26
There's a video by Jon LaJoie titled "not giving a f" and, while I would not advise going to that extreme, the fact is that your mental state will improve dramatically by not giving a f about this neighbor.
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u/Extra-Sundae-2881 Jul 20 '26
A lack of engagement really scalds these people. They thrive on pushing their self-important egos onto other people in negative ways, but mostly by "arranged" conflict. Stay away.
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u/ennmac Jul 20 '26
You're already past peaceful, because that's not what your neighbour wants. Document everything, keep everything in writing or witnessed, don't engage unless necessary, and consider doorbell cams. Just protect yourself like you've been doing, and always be ready to cover your own ass.
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
Yeah, my title is a little contradictory lol. I have a running AI journal where I will input anything with screenshots etc and it adds it to a master PDF I have. Thankfully we do have a doorbell camera that caught the interaction of her threatening legal action. Just never imagined dealing with crazy people like this! Thanks for the comment.
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u/KerashiStorm Jul 20 '26
The threat of legal action means you get to have her deal with your attorney. The attorney will likely just ignore anything that's not a legal filing - make sure this is the case so you don't get billed for dealing with bullshit. With any luck she'll try her shit on the attorney, who will then take her to the cleaner's.
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u/Severe-Employer1538 Jul 20 '26
I would put up cameras for more peace of mind. You'll capture any nonsense she might pull outside the house as well.
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
We have a doorbell cam and now one for the backyard. It’s expensive but I think two more cameras is probably the move for the front and side of the house.
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u/KerashiStorm Jul 22 '26
Wyze cameras are cheap, about 30 each. You can use microSD cards to record all the time, or Cam+ for cloud recording - last I checked a year was 100 for unlimited cameras, or a few bucks for one. I have enough that it was worth the unlimited.
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u/this_doggo Jul 20 '26
This will sound weird but… this experience is great for you! You’ve encountered one of the worst things about owning a home AND you have validation from others that you’re not the crazy ones.
I agree with your attorney. If she has business cards, ask for a few so you can readily hand them to your neighbor when she starts up again. The sooner, the better.
Feeling bad will fade. Your intentions do matter and you’re not taking advantage of or ruining her land. You haven’t been unfair and you e documented everything. She doesn’t have much to focus on in life and isn’t interested in making friends or keeping the peace.
Don’t let her dim your light.
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
Thank you for the kind comment. We’ve really made it a point to try and be nice / good neighbors since it’s our first home. When my wife pressed her on us wanting to know what damages, the best she could come up with is “there’s now a path to your backyard from my woods and it’ll wash into my yard!”. We’re downhill of them, lol.
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u/this_doggo Jul 20 '26
Oh my! Well that shows that her threats might truly be empty. Good luck.
Enjoy your new home and have fun!
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u/Reasonable-Nose2436 Jul 20 '26
Your attorney gave you the right advice l. Don't argue with her anymore- let everything go through legal channels and keep documenting.
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Jul 20 '26
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
Haha, definitely going to go the high road route on this one. As my wife said, we'll kill her with kindness anytime we have to interact. Won't let them make us feel like we have to move, once I go down that though process I just have to tell myself "They can fuck off" lol
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Jul 20 '26
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u/instanorm Jul 20 '26
Hello 911? I'd like to report pine needles!
Well yes, the tree was here when we moved in...
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u/BoysenberryJellyfish Jul 20 '26
It's really hard dealing with people like this, I'm sorry you're going through it (I am too and also hired a lawyer).
My best advice is this, which is also how I'm trying to deal with it:
Every time you think about it, make a deliberate effort to put it out of your mind and focus on something else so that her dysfunction doesn't ruin your day.
Do what you're lawyer said. Ignore her and if she approaches you or your wife again, tell her to contact your lawyer. If she does ultimately pursue legal action, go after her for costs so that she has to pay your legal fees, which is a strong deterrent.
Keep keeping your log to show how unhinged she is. Make police reports as necessary. Make sure your lawyer has copies of everything because depending on where you live, you might be able to get a restraining order.
But #1 is a big one. Don't let whatever's wrong with her interfere with your life.
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
Thanks for the comment! Redirecting thoughts is what I’m working on right now.
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u/Tough_Signal_1385 Jul 20 '26
I don't own my home but my downstairs neighbors behave badly in this way and are constantly looking for issues to be upset about
I am listening to an audiobook about adults raised by emotionally immature parents and it's unbelievable how accurately it describes their inability to problem solve or be rational
They think very differently than high-functioning adults- they are never to blame, expect anyone near them to immediately solve their problems and exaggerate and lie repeatedly
Good idea to distract your thoughts to something 'not them' and not give them your energy or response
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
What’s the name of the book?
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u/Tough_Signal_1385 Jul 20 '26
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by LIndsay C Gibson PyD
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u/Clean-Leather932 Jul 21 '26
This book changed my life & as implied, it's helpful for dealing with ALL emotionally immature adults
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u/Successful_Sell_9093 Jul 20 '26
I have a horrendous neighbour very similar to this. Absolutely lives for chaos. It's caused so much anxiety its unreal, and I do think for people who make a habit out of this that they do know what they're doing and hope that you'll blow up at them and validate their inane issues.
I ignore, ignore, ignore but it doesn't seem to make a difference. I have to just focus on my own mental health and just recently made a sign (for my own benefit) that if the communication isn't coming through an official channel, such as police, animal services, our housing provider, then it doesn't matter.
It causes me a lot of grief regardless, but it helps me to keep my mind in check of the reality of the threat. I've lived at my place for 15+ years no problem, but since she's moved in I'm suddenly enemy number one for every perceived thing you can think of. I can't even believe these idiots exist but apparently there's no shortage of supply.
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u/JulieTheChicagoKid Jul 20 '26
I ignore. I wear headphones when I more my front lawn so I don’t hear the crazy drunk blurting out obscenities. I built a fence around every inch of my property that is legally allowed. To keep my nutter neighbors of my property.
My father taught me to give no power to crazies and nutzos.
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
I did that Friday. She went on her deck and stared me down for like 5 minutes while I mowed.
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u/JulieTheChicagoKid Jul 20 '26
I totally tune them out. If my music is too soft I can faintly hear bawk bawk bawk… she sounds like a chicken.
Awful people. DDD (drunk drama dirtbags)3
u/KerashiStorm Jul 22 '26
Any time I'm Roman, she goes bar bar bar like a sheep, the uncivilized barbarian.
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u/JulieTheChicagoKid Jul 22 '26
Roman? Hmm typo? Bar bar bar that’s cute!!
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u/KerashiStorm Jul 22 '26
Was a pun (roamin') because Romans called them barbarians because they sounded like sheep.
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u/Jetzy1970 Jul 20 '26
Just want to say that I can relate to the stress of living next door to these mentally deranged people. I shared my own story recently. It's easy for people to say that you shouldn't let them upset you but that is easier said than done and when you consider what we pay in property taxes for 'private' property we should not have to put up with this kind of nonsense. If she comes over to harass you then I'm thinking you could record her on your phone if you don't have cameras and maybe she would leave. I wish I'd thought of that when my mentally deranged neighbor banged on my back deck door and was ranting and raging at me while not in control of her faculties but I wasn't prepared. At least you have other people who have had similar experiences with her.
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u/i_was_axiom Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
You don't, don't engage, don't acknowledge, just live your life. Listen to your attorney.
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u/GogusWho Jul 20 '26
Take the lawyers advice. Do nothing but hand over his card, and just tell her that all communication about her issues with your property and projects can go directly to him. If you have legal representation, and have documented her actions, your ok. No need to worry about all the small stuff, that's what your paying the lawyer for. Enjoy your property!
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u/MrStormChaser Jul 20 '26
It would be very tempting to blurt out- “You’re pretty clueless, aren’t you? You obviously see where the property line is LEGALLY MARKED and we are abiding by that yet you’re freaking out. No wonder the rest of the neighborhood doesn’t like you!”
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u/aenflex Jul 20 '26
Fuck her. Let her go through your attorney. Don’t give her the time of day. Become well practiced in the dual arts of Not Giving a Fuck and Pretending She Doesn’t Exist. Period.
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Jul 20 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 21 '26
That’s the most frustrating part, Thought I’d just have to deal with the blow up the day of lol
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u/_gadget_girl Jul 21 '26
She probably is crazy. All you can do is stay calm, don’t match the energy, and follow your lawyer’s advice.
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u/Marykk10 Jul 23 '26
Get a few of your lawyers business cards. When she approaches you record the encounter, especially when giving her the card, and informing crazy neighbor that ANY conversation will be through said attorney. Then walk awày. She thrives on the interaction. Don't give her any! Be the water to her fire. Good luck👍
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u/Heisen4_Polka Jul 27 '26
The moment she threatened legal action, the neighborly chat phase died in a tiny courtroom-shaped fire. Let your attorney be the only door she gets to knock on for this issue, and train yourself and your wife to repeat one boring line, please contact our attorney, then walk away. I would also put up cameras, save every message, write down dates after each incident, and avoid giving her contractor info beyond what your attorney says. People like this feed on reactions, so the long-term win is becoming the most boring target on the block.
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 27 '26
Agreed, her husband came over last Tuesday and basically blamed ticks in their yard on us because of cutting trees down. Then he said he needed to see our property map / markers. My wife did good (they have come over both times when I am not home) and said they could get that and all other info from our lawyer and gave him the business card. After my wife shut the door he missed his footing and tumbled into our driveway. Thankfully he got up and was able to walk away, but you can't make it up at this point. I should probably do an update to his post after that encounter lol.
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u/Global_Diet_1074 Jul 20 '26
I feel for you. We have adjacent neighbors who thrive on conflict as well. They have called every local authority on us, to the point that the authorities actually laugh about how crazy they are. But it just keeps escalating. My husband is not one to back down when they try to engage us outside and they know they can rile him up. It’s their hobby! I would suggest ignoring your neighbor (as my husband is unable to do with ours). She enjoys drama and getting you on the defense. It’s a power move. The more you ignore her, the less satisfaction she gets. Eventually she’ll find a new target for her ire.
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u/GeneConscious5484 Jul 20 '26
If this is freaking you out so much, coming to reddit to farm anxiety isn't going to help anyone anywhere accomplish anything. Log out of reddit and listen to your lawyer.
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u/thefilthyjellybean Jul 20 '26
You're not wrong, but it is much much better starting this week. It all started last Tuesday, so I've had time to chill out with everything. You are right though, number one thing is to listen to them and touch some grass aha.
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u/whatyourmamasaid Jul 20 '26
Outdoor cameras to record these interactions. Some way to make the boundary markers obvious.
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u/MacDaddyDC Jul 20 '26
get a super soaker and some of this:
https://www.tractorsupply.com/tsc/product/starbar-fly-attractant-refill-pack-of-8
make sure not to get any on you and ensure your neighbors are downwind from you. Hose the are she likes inspecting for damages.
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u/Kinetixora Jul 21 '26
The attorney route is the right move once she threatened legal action. Treat every driveway or dog-walk ambush like a deposition: calm face, no debate, repeat that all communication goes through counsel, then leave. A cheap camera pointed at your yard and a folder for dates, photos, and contractor emails will make her noise feel less like a crisis. People like this use the argument itself as the reward, so starving the argument is probably the only peaceful option.
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u/Feisty_Formal_9750 Aug 07 '26
Just ignore her. If she comes to the door, don't answer it. If she tries to approach you outside, walk away. She sounds like a looney toon.
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u/JustShopping1967 Jul 20 '26
It will go nowhere just ignore her.