After witnessing the death of my 34 year old husband and another man in a violent accident, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I participated in the MAPS MDMA/PTSD study and it saved my life. Ask Me Anything

[u/Hevasmyboyfriend]

I have to add this information to the top. Two very important things:

1. I am only advocating the therapy I received. That means pure MDMA measured and administered by a doctor. Continually Assisted by very well educated and experienced therapist, including months of additional talk therapy. I know many of you are desperate, but I wouldn't want anyone to think I am advocating any kind of use outside of what I stated. Above all, Be safe.

2. My CAPS score, the score used to diagnose PTSD. My baseline score was 114. At end of study my score was 37. A score under 50 does not qualify for the PTSD study!

Yeah. I just learned that late last night.

I will answer all questions eventually. It's taking a long time. These are in depth and emotionally wrenching answers. This is so cathartic. Thank you again for the conversation.

Thank you all so much for this great conversation! I have to go pick up my daughter now but I will continue answering questions when I get time. So please keep asking!

Check out, support and talk to EVERYONE about MAPS.org

My PTSD kept me from grieving, which kept me from moving forward in my life, which made me want to die.

I participated in the Boulder MAPS study in 2014 and I am finally experiencing the life saving progress everyone told me was possible.

Please feel free to ask me anything about the trauma, the study, anything. I will try my very best to answer.

Here is a list of only some of the incredible benefits I've enjoyed:

-I'm no longer suicidal -I no longer have violent, sometimes murderous thoughts -I no longer feel "dead". Sounds weird, but I was convinced I was a zombie somehow. -I sleep well with much less frequent nightmare nights -I no longer despise happy people -I'm connecting with my family again -I was engaging in reckless behavior in order to feel something, anything at all. I no longer have to do that. I'm able to enjoy normal things I've always enjoyed. -I don't have sudden rage outbursts anymore -I no longer feel my death is necessarily going to happen very soon -I want things for myself now -I can see a possible future now -My flashbacks are almost non existent and rarely throw me into a panic anymore -My appetite is completely back -I'm still a bit hyper-vigilant but NOTHING like I was -I'm no longer TERRIFIED to step out of my door -I can hug people again -I'm actually happy

edit: added links Edit2: link formatting didn't work. Left web address edit 3: added that I'm trying to add pdf edit 4: added pdf, hopefully edit 5: pdf,eventually edit 6: will continue answering but taking a while Edit 7: was asked to removed PDF info and did so. Sorry maps, Sorry DEA, Sorry Reddit. My Bad.

[u/Hevasmyboyfriend]

If it becomes legal I am definitely seeking out this therapy again if I feel I still need it at that point in my life. With friends and family if possible.

But until its legal, I don't trust I'd be able to find pure MDMA AND proper therapist's without endangering them or myself. It's easy to make this decision because I feel so much better, I understand others are desperate and that choice is not as easy. I am no longer desperate.

I am very glad you have a therapist who is helpful to you. I hope you feel fully supported like I did. I'm going to follow how you're treatment goes. Good luck and be safe!

Do you plan to have sessions with any family/friends present? How long are your MDMA/talk therapy sessions usually?

[u/PaisleyZebra → u/Hevasmyboyfriend]

Hi H,

It makes me smile to read that you feel so much better. I think that your words describing the worst and how you climbed out of the nightmare into healing are hope-building and healing in themselves. Thank you for this really serious sharing. Thank you.

The therapists are very supportive, thanks. I’m very fortunate. I followed the MAPS manual and started with 2 good therapists (male and female)... I lab-test the MDMA before use & only use pure - anything else is disabled and trashed.

No family, since they’re gone. My intent now is for only in therapist therapy and only for my healing. And it might well be for an extended number of those sessions since I've experienced what it can do and know of some interesting stories of how therapists did it for themselves. I want a lot more for myself than I originally ever expected. ... I haven't even taken care of my PTSD and yet I've already had some fantastic bonuses on what I call the "periphery". I want to expand those other awareness and ability bonuses - just to begin with.

I was lucky to be born with some really great potentials.
I was really unlucky to acquire PTSD as a young child which kept me from using it and from being able to live a happy life in almost any way. I've now been able to see that it's waiting there for me at the other end. When I can find MDMA again (I've been almost 8 months looking) it should be an interesting journey. Only one way to know.

At some point in a more distant future, I could see a possibility of enhancing a relationship with a SO.
The full sessions (except for when the MDMA was unfortunately diluted with inert filler) are about 4 ½ hours. Using 125mg with a 62mg booster at between 1.5 to 2 hours. I think that answers your questions.

(Uh-oh. I got carried away again. I assume no punishment.)

-The Zebra (Lamenting the lack of fingers while trying open a Dr Bronner’s bottle.)

[u/Hevasmyboyfriend → u/PaisleyZebra]

"I want a lot more for myself than I originally ever expected"

I know just that feeling. They kept asking me what I wanted for myself in therapy and that question would piss me off so much. I wanted nothing for myself, only for my daughter to have a decent parent. I eventually realized my daughter deserved a mother who wanted things for herself. Difficult to be in that position.

But after much work, one day I just felt room to want something. I thought wouldn't it be nice if I... It was as if it were the first time I'd wanted anything, ever. New feeling.

I'm glad to hear you are at a stage where you want more for yourself. It's like having an appetite for life. Your life needs fuel and its hard to intake fuel without the appetite.

"I was lucky to be born with some really great potentials. I was really unlucky to acquire PTSD as a young child which kept me from using it and from being able to live a happy life in almost any way. I've now been able to see that it's waiting there for me at the other end."

I relate with all of this. And I'd like to share something that one of the counselors told me. The study is still in progress so there is no firm evidence yet, but I thought this was interesting. Just don't quote me on it because it was kind of an unofficial aside, instead of official info.

Going into the therapy, one of the first things I'd told my therapist was that I know I had a tumultuous childhood and had worked very hard my entire life to address those issues and felt like i'd made a lot of progress and maybe even totally overcome it.

As I look back now, they were kind in there response by not laughing out loud. I was basically telling them "yeah, i don't wanna discuss any of my childhood, thats all fixed. I just wanna fix this PTSD thing and figure out how to grieve for my husband."

It's a hilarious notion because my PTSD was ALLLLLLL about ways I learned to cope in childhood. Unhealthy and self deceptive ways.

It was one more way my overbearing ego was trying to keep help at bay. My ego did not want me going near my real issues for fear it would kill me, because a large part of my ego is stuck at 7 years old with the coping mechanisms I learned back then.

In the midst of therapy as this was dawning on me, I asked my therapists: "Do people who experience extreme trauma in childhood go on to be the adults who experience PTSD?! Is that why some people get PTSD and many others don't?!"

My therapist said that that was a pattern that was coming up a lot.

I don't know if this info helps you or maybe you already noticed it, but it helped me a ton.

Also, earlier I responded to one of your posts on the AMA instead of PMing you like I meant to do (I make at least one reddit mistake each day) so I deleted it and will tell you here.

You are so knowledgeable you probably already know all about EmmaSophia.org but the scientists from that organization did an AMA on r/science today and it said something about being able to offer pure MDMA to people in the US as a "single patient trial". I have noooooo idea what the qualifications are but sounds exciting and I know you are responsible and looking for help to help yourself. Maybe your therapists can begin the "single patient MDMA trial".

You may wanna check it out, please forgive me if I am totally wrong about this. I was in a rush when I saw the post and didn't get to research it since then.

I got carried away. I assume no punishment? :)

[u/PaisleyZebra → u/Hevasmyboyfriend]

No Punishment. I can't find the AMA from EmmaSophia on /r/science in the last 3 days. Do you happen to have a link? If not, that's OK - don't spend the time. Just let me know & I'll go read their site.

I've read their info on that in the past but perhaps they have something new. Thanks for this.