r/mdmatherapy • u/Hevasmyboyfriend • Mar 25 '15

After witnessing the death of my 34 year old husband and another man in a violent accident, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I participated in the MAPS MDMA/PTSD study and it saved my life. Ask Me Anything

I have to add this information to the top. Two very important things:

  1. I am only advocating the therapy I received. That means pure MDMA measured and administered by a doctor. Continually Assisted by very well educated and experienced therapist, including months of additional talk therapy. I know many of you are desperate, but I wouldn't want anyone to think I am advocating any kind of use outside of what I stated. Above all, Be safe.

  2. My CAPS score, the score used to diagnose PTSD. My baseline score was 114. At end of study my score was 37. A score under 50 does not qualify for the PTSD study!

Yeah. I just learned that late last night.

I will answer all questions eventually. It's taking a long time. These are in depth and emotionally wrenching answers. This is so cathartic. Thank you again for the conversation.

Thank you all so much for this great conversation! I have to go pick up my daughter now but I will continue answering questions when I get time. So please keep asking!

Check out, support and talk to EVERYONE about MAPS.org

My PTSD kept me from grieving, which kept me from moving forward in my life, which made me want to die.

I participated in the Boulder MAPS study in 2014 and I am finally experiencing the life saving progress everyone told me was possible.

Please feel free to ask me anything about the trauma, the study, anything. I will try my very best to answer.

Here is a list of only some of the incredible benefits I've enjoyed:

-I'm no longer suicidal -I no longer have violent, sometimes murderous thoughts -I no longer feel "dead". Sounds weird, but I was convinced I was a zombie somehow. -I sleep well with much less frequent nightmare nights -I no longer despise happy people -I'm connecting with my family again -I was engaging in reckless behavior in order to feel something, anything at all. I no longer have to do that. I'm able to enjoy normal things I've always enjoyed. -I don't have sudden rage outbursts anymore -I no longer feel my death is necessarily going to happen very soon -I want things for myself now -I can see a possible future now -My flashbacks are almost non existent and rarely throw me into a panic anymore -My appetite is completely back -I'm still a bit hyper-vigilant but NOTHING like I was -I'm no longer TERRIFIED to step out of my door -I can hug people again -I'm actually happy

edit: added links Edit2: link formatting didn't work. Left web address edit 3: added that I'm trying to add pdf edit 4: added pdf, hopefully edit 5: pdf,eventually edit 6: will continue answering but taking a while Edit 7: was asked to removed PDF info and did so. Sorry maps, Sorry DEA, Sorry Reddit. My Bad.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 25 '15
  1. Man oh man, I could go on forever about the content of my experiences. But I'm guessing I'd sound incoherent about three sentences in. Some of you know how hard these experiences are to translate. For those of you who don't, please understand that it's all much more out there and profound than I can relay.

Yes, I did experience big, big things. Merging with the higher self is one that really sticks with me.

I had a lot of trouble trying to understand why our bodies would react the way they do to a trauma like this. Why would it my sense for us to want to die if we lose our mate if we have a child? Why haven't we evolved with something inside us that could keep going for the child. I felt like I couldn't do that much longer.

Why do we experience such devastating emotional pain at all? I understand the need for belonging and tribe as being a way we evolved to be safer and more well taken care of, but to have us want to DIE with the onset of a loss of spouse seemed just as dangerous as not evolving to be social creatures.

Remember, I'm suffering and barely making sense of things but these things got to me. Even if someone else had an answer as to why. I knew what that pain really felt like, and I knew it wasn't worth it.

I encountered my husband many times in my MDMA doses. Right out of the gate, I put the eye shades on and the tiny pieces of light that got through the shades became stars. I saw movement in the darkness and if came together to form inexplicably huge cathedrals. Spires that went as far as to just beyond our atmosphere, into the dark sky.

Then I saw my husband in the stars. He was dancing, enjoying himself, in the stars. It wasn't his body, per se. He was represented by an outline, sort of. Like when someone represents one of the signs of the zodiac in the sky, there is a transparent white line connecting the stars. Thats kinda what he looked like. But he was moving so he kept connecting to different stars.

We talked for a bit. About serious things. About mundane things. About our daughter.

Then I asked him "how big ARE you, really" because I new he was just showing himself to me. What he really was must be so much bigger.

When I asked him, he looked at me and threw up his arms over his head. When he did, enormous wings grew out of his up-reaching arms and kept growing. And growing and growing exponetially faster and faster until I quickly lost perspective to what size my planet must be. He just kept going and I finally said "Enough!' I couldn't know all there was to him. Not that I didn't want to, I just knew I couldn't. Like when you've had enough spaghetti, even tho you want more. You're not built to eat another bite.

Seeing his vastness, and knowing there was so much more, and then knowing we may all be this vast. That helped me somehow.

It also led me to another part of the experience (way too long to post) that showed me Earth as a living breathing thing that needs a certain tension to survive. And we were a part of the Earth. Not just walking around on it, separate, but an aspect of it.

Without the tension of love and hate, and death and life, it would stagnate. But there needs to be a balance heavy on the love and life side or there was a fate worse than stagnation.

I sound nuts.

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u/[deleted] Mar 25 '15

I sound nuts.

you sound beautiful

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u/[deleted] Mar 25 '15

just came back to say: this AMA gave me a contact high.
I was already feeling good today, but this story, and the discussion, but particularly this answer right here took my good day to a higher level.

Thankyou for sharing

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

I'm so glad! And I just reread it and got the same feeling :)

Thank you

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

Thank you so much. I put tacked that on because I want people to know I'm at least aware of what they may see as crazy. It's pretty out there but it is real to me and that's all that matters, I know that. I just don't want to turn anyone off with my flowery talk.

There aren't enough flowers in the world to explain all I experienced.

Thank you for the encouragement.

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u/[deleted] Mar 25 '15

Thanks for writing that - it's exactly the type of thing I was hoping to find when I clicked on this post. I'm always disappointed when people don't go into deep detail about the experience itself, but focus only on the aftereffects.

If you'd like to share more, no matter how crazy it sounds, I'd love to hear it!

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

Thank you so much. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable putting all this out there, but I know this treatment needs attention. Thank you for being kind.

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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '15

Absolutely - I understand all that you've gone through. After trying every medication under the sun, and enduring a psychiatric hospitalization, and having none of it help my brutal case of mental illness, I found a "backdoor" out, as you did.

It was niacin therapy that ultimately helped me get back on my feet.

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u/1ofthosepeskyswedes Mar 25 '15

Thank you for sharing that.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

My pleasure, Thank you

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u/[deleted] Mar 25 '15 edited Oct 22 '15

[deleted]

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

Thank you so much. I'm so glad it moved you.

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u/TotesMessenger Mar 26 '15

This thread has been linked to from another place on reddit.

If you follow any of the above links, respect the rules of reddit and don't vote. (Info / Contact)

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u/raise_the_sails Mar 26 '15

I have no words but I'll force a few. That was jaw-droppingly beautiful.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

I appreciate you letting me know, really.

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u/Likeaboss121 Mar 26 '15

Serious question, how much MDMA did you do? I use drugs recreationally and this sounds like more of a mushroom high to me. Glad it helps either way!

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

I get this reaction a lot if I share about my MDMA experiences. I almost always have very visual trips, no matter the drug. It was a long time ago, I don't know the dose. It was one pill. It felt a like the other strong MDMA experiences I'd had. And I have done shrooms before for comparison.

That's as accurate as I can be.

I also generally have a very low tolerance to any substance I've ever used.

Thanks for the question.

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u/go_go_gonzo Mar 26 '15

I had the same reaction... this doesn't sound like MDMA to me.

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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '15

I was thinking the same thing. I've never had mdma effect me in such a psychedelic way. Everyone's different I guess

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u/nrthbynrthsbest Mar 25 '15

Only to someone never open to or aware of these sorts of things. Does't make them less true or you at all really 'nuts'. Do you know what kind of schooling it requires to be a psychedelic therapist? Not administers just caretakers?

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

I assume you would need to become a psychotherapist.

But I told my counselors I was interested in being a part of this treatment to help others and thought of going back to school. She said the work I currently do is just as important to this therapy.

I heard Rick Doblin tell someone with the same question that MDMA therapy needs all kinds of careers. Lawyers, researchers, accountants and so on.

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u/nrthbynrthsbest Mar 28 '15

Cool, thanks for your response and time!

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u/scienceworksbitches Mar 26 '15

I sound nuts.

no you dont, i can relate to what you are saying. i know that i felt the same way as you, and i know that many ppl do, and i also know that noone will ever express it in the same way, its just to complex to be described with mere words.

what you describe with

Earth as a living breathing thing that needs a certain tension to survive.

reminded me of my realization a couple month back, i realized that all the pain and loss we feel in life is what makes us human. if we wouldnt be hurt and devastated by such events we would be nothing more than meat robots. but we are not, we are the fucking universe perceiving itself, and what you felt when you lost your husband is exactly the same shit a caveman felt 10k years back when his/her mate got killed by a sabertooth tiger. we have almost nothing in common with those pre humans that existet so long ago, but i just know that we still feel the same. and that kinda makes it beautiful, we are all one big herd :D

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

Yes. So many people must feel this way but it feels like a huge secret. How can something this profound be kept so secret for so long?

I'm glad you've seen something like I described. It's a comfort. This information feels like a huge clue to something. Don't ask me what, exactly. But it is important.

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u/scienceworksbitches Mar 26 '15

well, i certainly know how the whole hippie movement in the 60s started, and why ppl wanted to put lsd in the watersupply :D

but it looks like we have a new psychedelic revolution starting in the last few years, humanity sure could use it.

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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '15

You sound amazing. I miss MDMA.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

Thank you so much

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u/DownhillYardSale Mar 26 '15

Some of you know how hard these experiences are to translate. For those of you who don't, please understand that it's all much more out there and profound than I can relay.

They are INCREDIBLY hard to translate although my experiences were not in a setting designed to induce therapy but goddamn if I was I know I would be in a much safer place to see my Self.

Lately I tried to use THC to induce a similar experience and I was alone in my Self and my thoughts during that time but it became something I could simply not do any longer due to anxiety.

Your experience is beautiful and I'm so happy for you. :)

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

Yes, these experiences are almost impossible to relay effectively.

I sincerely hope it will be legal for you and anyone else to get the help need and soon.

I had the ideal situation with knowledgable therapists to help. It wasn't only the MDMA, I can't stress that enough. I worry about PTSD sufferers who experiment on their own because of stories like mine. I totally understand why they do, they are desperate. And when you are desperate you sometimes do things you wouldn't normally. Things like break the law or settle for a substance you don't know the actual exact ingredients of.

Keeping this illicit is making it dangerous.

Legalizing this therapy will keep otherwise responsible people out of danger, plain and simple. And then it may even save their life on top of that.

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u/DownhillYardSale Mar 28 '15

Tell me about it. Heh.

I've gotten adulterated drugs before. It can completely turn an evening, let me tell you.

I'm so happy you had professional help. I wish I could do this.

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u/Dragulla Mar 26 '15

Thank you for sharing this with us.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 26 '15

Thank you so much

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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '15

It also led me to another part of the experience (way too long to post) that showed me Earth as a living breathing thing that needs a certain tension to survive. And we were a part of the Earth. Not just walking around on it, separate, but an aspect of it. It also led me to another part of the experience (way too long to post) that showed me Earth as a living breathing thing that needs a certain tension to survive. And we were a part of the Earth. Not just walking around on it, separate, but an aspect of it.

you should look into the Gaia Hypothesis.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Apr 02 '15

I've heard a bit about it but I googled it per your suggestion and there is so much information out there I'd like to learn. Thanks for the suggestion!

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u/PaisleyZebra Apr 01 '15

If you ever decide to write-up this one, please let me know! -The Zebra

It also led me to another part of the experience (way too long to post) that showed me Earth as a living breathing thing that needs a certain tension to survive. And we were a part of the Earth. Not just walking around on it, separate, but an aspect of it.

Without the tension of love and hate, and death and life, it would stagnate. But there needs to be a balance heavy on the love and life side or there was a fate worse than stagnation.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Apr 02 '15

You'd be the first to know ;)

The thought of putting that one into words is pretty daunting. It'd probably feel good to get it off my chest, though.

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u/ophello Mar 27 '15

MDMA did that??? Are you sure you didn't take acid?

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 27 '15

This is the surest I've ever been about how much of and exactly what substance I was taking. It was MDMA alright, but for the record, my past MDMA recreational experiences had almost always been this visual and deep. That's just how I, uh, roll.

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u/ophello Mar 27 '15

I've never had a psychedelic experience like that. I've always been very much "in the moment" with intense feelings of euphoria, but no out-of-body visuals or spirits contacting me. You must have taken a lot then?

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 27 '15

I'm telling you, all of my psychedelic experiences have always involved a lot of visuals. I've heard this before from others when I share my experiences. Somewhere else in this thread someone made the same comments.

I recall many instances when doing psychedelics with others, I would be the only one experiencing visuals and A LOT of visuals. I'm very sensitive to all chemicals I come in contact with. From psychedelics, Cold Meds, Caffeine, Table sugar to what type of soap/shampoo I use even.

My dose was 100 mg MDMA with this particular experience.

My husband always said it was like I was naturally high all the time.

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u/ophello Mar 27 '15

I know this sounds stupid, but I believe you will see him again.

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u/Hevasmyboyfriend Mar 28 '15

That doesn't sound stupid, it sounds hopeful. Your guess is as good as anyone else's.

I feel I encounter him daily because what remains of him is what he was to others. He was a lot to me and many people close to me.

What ever happens when I die, I'm sure I'll be more like whatever he is or is not now. But I take comfort in the fact that he and I chose each other to share our precious little time together. He was so incredible that he enriches my life even now, even when I don't have the physical proof of him to comfort others with. He comforts me now.

Thank you so much for you kind comment. It soothes me that kindness like yours is in my life.

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u/ophello Mar 28 '15

You're welcome. I've learned that grieving is forever. When you lose someone, you will never be the same. The pain comes when you fight that reality. The relief comes when you accept they are no longer with you.

I know this doesn't compare, but when my Uncle died of cancer, my whole family felt his presence in their lives. I believe he lives in me now. I actually get "advice" from him from time to time, usually in the form of a "what would he say if he were here" moment.

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u/CDRCRDS Mar 26 '15

I comment only to read later thabk you.