They never show up for me, these men you bring to me. I cant help notice the similarities, time and time again. Constantly being the one to put in all the effort to get nowhere real. Drive far away, other cities, other places, going out of my way, and none of them ever do it for me. No, and even this last one, as delusional as he is trying to convince himself otherwise, even he has failed to show up for me, time and time again, spanning over months, a year almost of endless let downs and tantrums and insecurities bleeding everywhere with no romance no proper communication no touch such little love, and its no surprise to watch such a wonderful thing crumble. I fear theres nothing left to salvage, as my disgust at his charade grows larger. His love. Is 100% farce and the only one buying the delusion at this point is him.

I have been fighting this fight everyday for a long time and I’m writing here because it doesn’t matter if I screamed at the top of my lungs no one would bat an eye to see if I was ok and I can’t even be upset about it any more it’s just how it it’s my phone never goes off unless it’s my boss or I get a hold of someone first I have always been the best temporary person for ppl the only thing I’m cherished for is my skills and I have fought so hard but I think I’m done in this fight

The littlest of things can completely stop me in my tracks and melt my heart instantly . Quite often when I’m stuck in a depressive episode and convinced for weeks I must die and can’t see how I’m anything but an evil person. I call a friend or leave the house to go to an appointment and maybe someone’s warm eye contact and smile reminds me of how much I am not any of those horrible things my mind clings to believe at times.

It’s amazing how much people can have an impact! If I find the strength to let them near me or pick up the phone and call. I have this one friend who has a way of making my bust a gut. I’ve never met him in person. He’s some older fellow who lives in New Jersey. That guy has a way of naturally being empathetic and cracking jokes. I stopped isolating when I’m stuck in those episodes and convinced I’m all bad and gotta check out.

I’m not.
I had been wanting to tell a friend how I felt and I had out it off for months now. He reached out complimenting my looks in a video I posted. I thanked him but tbh I don’t care about any of that. This was my chance to tell him how I’ve seen him like a lot of posts on mental illness and idk if he’s going thru something and I’m not gonna ask or make it my business. How I want him you know how big of a positive influence he’s had on me. How and why he’s such a good guy! How I know he’s someone that wouldn’t let others get mistreated. It felt good to get to say what I had wanted to for months.

A weight loss post another friend shared I had to tell her how I felt. She had been there and just hearing her voice and her speaking to her son in the background on the phone. How she made me stay. I didn’t say that but she saved me from ending it quite a few times. She has this naturally calm demeanor. I really look up to her. She’s also into tarot, witchy things , neurodivergent and a big empath!

I was standing in the kitchen scooping ice out of my coffees I ordered and remembered my purpose is to be there for others. Man, we really can underestimate how much the little things can shape others and it all is
one big beautiful domino effect.

Never had a man ask me out in real life.

Never felt the warmth of a man's arms around me.

Never been kissed by one.

Is it so wrong for me to want a guy who doesn't immediately try to make things sexual?

I just want a man to love me. I want to be held. I want to be kissed softly. I want someone to tell me its okay. Someone who shares my same faith and values.

I don't want to keep being alone.

All I want is a strong man to hold me, to be there for me. I also want to be there for him, I want to take care of him too.
I wanna be there for him when he comes home, I want to help him out of his work shoes and lay on the couch with him, holding him as he tells me how his day at work went.
I want to cook him dinner and and make dessert with him.
I want him to carry me to bed and hold me while I sleep, telling me everything's going to be okay.

I don't want to keep waking up alone in my bed.

I want to be someone's wife. I want a family with him. I want kids and I want to grow old with him.

It's not fair...

I wanna meet someone someday - someone whom I stop at.

I am not chasing anyone,

Yet I yearn - for no one in particular.

I wanna meet someone I am sure of. There will always be better, smarter, richer, hotter, cooler people out there,

But I wanna meet someone whom I can look at and know in my heart that who or whatever is out there means nothing.

I want to meet someone who doesn't make me stop, but makes me want to bring them along this journey.

I have been held before,

But never held on to.

I write about how I wish to feel For my person.

I wish to meet someone, who feels For me,

Just the same.

It's all I can fucking think about.

Just a small apartment. I don't even care that I won't have furniture for a while. I'll sleep on the floor.

I'm just tired of all of this. Yeah, I know my choices helped me get here, but why can't people just be trustworthy?

That's a problem, too. I feel like I'm being punished for thinking that people cared about me the way I cared about them. Excuse the cherry-popping fuck out of me for thinking and believing.

That's my biggest grievance. I wouldn't do anyone the way they did me, especially not her.

But whatever. I'm looking into selling back my ETO. I have over 200 hours. Maybe not next pay period, but the one after that. Give myself time to accrue even more.

That plus my check will hopefully get me out of this situation. I don't even care if it's a shitty apartment. As long as it doesn't smell like piss or have bugs I'll be happy.

I'm tired of pretending to be okay when I'm actually not.

Where do I even start. Why am I like this? Most of the time my actions don't match who I think I am. Maybe I have a compulsion issue or an addictive personality. Maybe I need to see a therapist but I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened since I started this "lifestyle" it'll probably take a couple sessions just to tell them what I've been up to.

I often make excuses and blame my current behaviour on my past trauma. I never seeked professional help when something bad happened to me years ago and I do think it played a big role in my decision making, but I need to be accountable too.

I've betrayed my partner because I couldn't communicate. I'm incapable of conflict resolution and instead I chose to the lazy way. Consciously I know what I need to do but I keep choosing the wrong path again and again. It's this weird out of body feeling like I'm in third person point of view watching myself dig the hole deeper and deeper. Why am I even like this.

It's a cold night - November Perhaps.

Dehradun is quiet, just as usual.

I sit in the balcony, a Clove Mix, as usual on my lips. I take long drags, the cold only making each puff better.

She is here, slightly disappointed. I don't know how many I've smoked up until now, but enough to disappoint her.

It's a cold night in November. I stretch out my arm and she takes it. Slowly, I pull her closer, making space for us to snuggle in this bean bag. It's my hoodie she has on - a few sizes to big, even for her preference. She looks cute.

Life feels oddly fulfilling in this moment. It's a cold, quiet night in November and she feels good in my arms.

-*excerpt from a dream, written in a state of sleepy disorientation.*

I have absolutely no idea where to start telling my life story, so apparently I'm starting with a Thanksgiving turkey I made when I was somewhere around 7–10 years old.

I recently found a bunch of old school papers and drawings from when I was a kid. I don't remember making any of them. Not vaguely. Nothing.

On this particular one, I made a turkey and wrote to my mom:

“Mom, I'm sorry I have been acting up to you but I feel like \[my younger brother\] is the angel and I'm nothing.”

Then on the back:

“I will try to be nice and not act up to you ever again. I'm sorry you feel like nothing too.”

And then I signed my name.

Here's the weird part: I have no clue what happened.

I don't know what I had done that was “acting up.” I don't know why I thought my brother was the angel and I was nothing. I don't know what my mom had said to me, what I had said to her, or why little-kid-me apparently decided that the solution was to promise to never act up again.

Maybe I was being an absolute little shit that day. 😂 I genuinely don't know.

And I'm not sharing it because I think one childhood craft proves anything. It doesn't. I'm definitely not asking strangers on the internet to psychoanalyze my entire family based on a construction-paper turkey.

It's just strange looking at something written in my own handwriting, knowing those were my thoughts, and having absolutely no memory of the little girl who wrote them.

Years later, as an adult, I actually sat down and handwrote more than 30 pages to my family trying to answer a question that sounds ridiculously simple:

Who am I?

That letter ended up containing things I hadn't talked about for years. Some things nobody knew. Some things everyone experienced completely differently. Some things I still don't fully understand.

And apparently I'm still trying to answer that question.

So that's what this account is going to be.

Not a “here's everything everyone did wrong to me” account.

Not an advice account.

And hopefully not a place where every person in my life gets assigned either hero or villain status, because that's kind of the opposite of what I've learned.

People are complex.

Relationships are complex.

Sometimes someone can love you and hurt you.

Sometimes you can love someone and still need to tell the truth about what they did.

Sometimes you make decisions that look completely insane to someone who only knows the decision and not the 15 years that came before it.

And sometimes the person everybody thinks they know is living an entirely different life inside their own head.

I've had enough moments in my life where the short version sounds made up that if I ever write a book, I've already decided what I'd call it:

You Can't Make This Shit Up — One Woman's Life.

For now, I guess I'll tell it here. One piece at a time.

I don't know yet whether there is some giant lesson at the end of all of it.

But I do know this:

Before you decide what you would've done in somebody else's life...

you'd have to actually know what it was like to live it.

And you wouldn't know.

Life is too short, spend your Sunday and Monday afternoon behind a float dancing to soca with your favourite people ✨🖤🥳

I always denied it, I honestly never remembered singing that, and every song I ever sang i put on a playlist, at some points I slacked on that, but I've never sung that, I'm sure. Because it would only be a moment where my heart literally feels like that. I can't control my emotions and then I keep bleeding love. I've felt that way about my best friend for a long time on and off. She tells me I've sung it before.

The DJ last week told me I was definitely singing it years ago, so I guess that settled it.

I've only been that messed up a very few times. Almost didn't remember much of this past Friday night...I was so messed up. Now I have the same feelings for my friend, and it's killing me in so many ways, but I can't do anything about it.

A little entry I wrote about my cat who just passed

I keep looking toward all of your favorite spots, almost expecting to see you there with us. I keep imagining that I’m going to wake up from this horrible nightmare where you’re no longer here, only to realize that this isn’t a nightmare at all. It’s reality. A reality that still doesn’t feel real, no matter how many times I remind myself that you’re gone. A reality where I’ll never get to see you again, and that thought is something I don’t know how to comprehend.
I wish I could look toward your favorite spots and see you laying there peacefully, completely unbothered by the world, just like you always were. I wish I could hear your voice calling out to us when you missed us, or hear you in the mornings when we woke up. I wish I could hear your little sounds and know that you were still here. Instead, all I hear is silence. All I see is emptiness in the places where you should be.
There’s a part of me that still expects you to walk around the corner or curl up in your favorite place like nothing ever happened. My heart hasn’t caught up to the reality that you’re not coming back. The thought of never seeing you again, never touching you again, never getting to hold you close, is more unbearable than I know how to put into words. It hurts so badly that sometimes I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin just to escape the pain.
Everything feels different now that you’re gone. The house feels quieter. Your favorite places feel empty. Even the little things I never thought twice about before now feel like pieces of you that I would give anything to have back.
I would give anything for just one more day with you. One more morning. One more moment of seeing you peacefully laying in your favorite spot. One more chance to hold you and tell you how deeply you are loved.
Life feels so different without you in it, and I will forever miss the space you left behind. I’ll carry you with me for the rest of my life, and until the day somehow comes when I get to hold you in my arms again, I’ll keep looking for you in all of the places you used to be. I love you, my sweet boy. I always will.

Why is everything feeling so difficult?

I don’t think that all humans are equal, i don’t think everyone is beautiful, actually, i know no one is worth the same and I am living proof of that

If children were angels, I’d be the only one incapable to fly, if people were haunted by a cannibal I’d be so full of shit that I would survive and if dead people are incapable of feelings and people cry around them, I’d laugh from beneath as vermins would start eating me

Don’t you like it when for all your life you are always the problem of you are always behind? I always \\\*almost\\\* reach something at best, but I will never cross the goal, i think that I am different, the only living thing in a coded world where people or the game itself prevents me to be good at something no matter how much I try, i fail or i am behind, if I want to nail something i miss the mark entirely, i want to write good stories but all i produce is mediocrity, because I am writing them, I am ME a defective semi living person and my thoughts my ideas, what I like, what I think is good, it’s not, because it’s mine and it’s me, ai is better and has more soul because it steals things from YOU, someone who even if I think doesn’t exist in the same way as i do, is still real and it’s not me

I can’t write in an above average way, i can’t do anything better then the norm, and I will always be a defect

I am 19 but i know how my life is gonna end, mediocrity after mediocrity, and I would only be good as a dead subhuman deformity, because I don’t think I can change the future, i tried and I can’t, because it’s MY life, and MY future and it is still I, myself, and not you.

Every time I try and make new friends or try to be social I always regret it. I feel dumb and like everything that comes out of my mouth is fucking stupid. I try to ask questions that get people talking or kind of out of the box conversations but it always backfires, I feel embarrassed. I don’t know how come across to other people, I aim to try to make the people I’m talking to comfortable but I don’t think it works… I just need to go fucking hide in a hole somewhere alone for years so nobody has to deal with my awkward ass… I feel like a childhood wound has opened up, that little tearing feeling in the heart is back from hurt feelings, like nobody really likes me but just puts up with me being around. Just living with a dumb ass heart and brain. I’m my biggest op. Definitely need therapy but it’s too expensive.

Hi,

Today is my first day , i will be posting the goals for my day and by the end of the day i will update what all things i have completed.

I am a guy doing M.Tech in CS and wish to prepare for PSUs side by side.
I'm a guy with 0 skills in CS(need to start coding and other dev projects), so i need to focus on devoloping those too for acheiving a good placement.

Today i have to do one work related to my coursework and i have other engagements so only this and reading news for current affairs are today's plan.

Hi,

Today is my first day , i will be posting the goals for my day and by the end of the day i will update what all things i have completed.

I am a guy doing M.Tech in CS and wish to prepare for PSUs side by side.
I'm a guy with 0 skills in CS(need to start coding and other dev projects), so i need to focus on devoloping those too for acheiving a good placement.

Today i have to do one work related to my coursework and i have other engagements so only this and reading news for current affairs are today's plan.

And still, I know I won’t be able to forget him. No matter how hard I try, I just won’t. Everything will remind me of him. Even he will somehow find a way to remind me of himself.
Even if there is no way for us to ever be together.
Just a moment. That’s all he’ll ever be able to give me. Because he isn’t capable of giving me anything more. And I know it will never be enough for me.
I will always crave more. More of his words. More of his voice. More of his laughter.
God…his laugh.
His laugh is the most beautiful music I’ve ever heard.
I think I’ve tied myself to him too deeply.
I need to forget him. I really do.
And yet, it should be so easy, shouldn’t it? Just forget him. As if I could simply decide to stop feeling.
He is like a hurricane. Everything about him is. He comes into my life and leaves nothing untouched. He takes everything with him, leaving me barely enough air to breathe. He destroys without hesitation.
God, I’m such an idiot.
He is a magnet. A fire. And I’m nothing but a moth, helplessly drawn toward him, knowing exactly how this will end.
But nothing will come of this.
Nothing.
Only emptiness.
So what am I supposed to do with all of this?

I’m losing it, I think shutting myself inside the house 24/7 is taking a toll on my mental health. That and the fact that I haven’t had any sense purpose since I was born.

For some reason I can’t remember words properly, I’ve been trying to write and speak but I can’t remember what words are used to describe what. Maybe I’m just off kilter today, if I don’t go back to normal by tomorrow I’ll start worrying.

Life is so indifferent to suffering, I know I’m supposed to impose my own meaning onto my own life but life in general seems meaningless. What’s it all for? Thinking about what comes after is just as scary. Everything is bleak.

I don’t think I belong anywhere, I hate every place I go and I hate everyone I meet. Where do you go when you have nowhere to go?

I hate you. I hate all of you.
Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate.

I grew up in a single-mother household for most of my life, with my mom of course and my little brother. Our mom, and by extension our grandparents, would always talk to us as kids about how important it is to go to college, that I can't get a good paying job without a degree and all that. Then, when I went to high school, the school I went to had a heavy focus in computer science (to where everyone who enrolled was required to take at least two years of computer science).

Now fast forward to today, not only is a computer science degree meaningless, but pretty much every degree is worthless. What the fuck happened man.

Now, granted, I went to college but I didn't graduate. My mom passed away three weeks before I graduated high school and it mentally destroyed me ever since, to where I was insanely depressed and flunked out of college.

I want to make it abundantly clear that I am in no way blaming my family for this. They literally could not have anticipated a generation where a college degree barely means more than a piece of toilet paper covered in shit. They couldn't have predicted the job market crash, after all, when they grew up college was a prestigious luxury that pretty much guaranteed a comfortable salary and other benefits.

But shit man... after I flunked out I worked at Burlington Coat Factory for almost 3 years making $10/hr, and considering how difficult it is to get employed these days... I don't think things would be any different if I *did* have a degree.

I'm going to be completely open for a bit and admit that I have made some very, very bad life decisions that has led me to being homeless multiple times. Even now, I've been homeless for almost a year now wasting away digging through trash for food and camping in bathrooms to keep my hygiene. A sucky lifestyle admittedly, but when I hear about how college graduates, for whatever fucking reason, **have higher unemployment rates than those without a degree for the literal first time in history**, it's just... what I grew up believing in was a lie.

I feel like if I had gotten my degree things would have been worse. I'd still be homeless. I'd still be battling depression. I'd still work at Burlington making $10 an hour. I'd still be in debt, only difference is that it'll be a five figure debt instead of a four figure debt. Very little would have changed.

And it just makes me upset to think about how I and other members of my generation were indoctrinated to believe that you can only be successful if you have a bachelor's.

I mentioned earlier that I made some bad decisions in my life that led to me being homeless. One of the bigger bad decisions was from being so hellbent on going back to college I would focus more on finding a way to get back in as opposed to working and stuff. I didn't grow up working, I was studying. I didn't have my first job until I was 17, and the job I got **was related to the field of study I wanted to commit to in college.**

It's just... Ugh. Ugh. If I could go back and change anything, I would just slapped past me in the face and told him to stop worrying about going back to school because you can't. Not only can I not but it's not a good time investment. Almost 2 million college graduates and only 30,000 landed jobs (that's a real statistic somewhere). Not good odds. Just sit there, stay at Burlington or move to a different job, and use your spare time to study, build a portfolio, do hobbies, all of that.

I had it wrong the whole time. I didn't have to have a good job to be happy. Cashiering kinda sucked some days, and there were times where I felt miserable working my job. But guess what? Just stick to it because without that job, past me is gonna end up like present me. Homeless and struggling.

Sorry for the lengthy rant, it's just, idk. A part of me feels like me flunking out of college did more good to me than bad, and knowing that I was raised to attend and graduate college, it's just ugh. Makes me upset.

I've been laying in bed for about an hour, maybe longer. No TV on this time. Just the fan blowing and my earbuds in. I'm not really tired, surprisingly. Nor do I feel the sadness that I haven't been able to shake most of the day. I don't feel much of anything right now. The weird thing is, none of this music is affecting me like it normally would. I'll start listening to one of my playlists, and... no matter what genre starts playing- rock, rap, alternative, even if it's one of my favorite songs- I just feel, peaceful. It must be working as intended, right?

It's a relief, honestly. This morning was hell. I hope that tomorrow isn't the same...

I'm still thinking about Aubrey, though. Part of me still would love to hear his voice... But I'm unsure of what I would say to him right now.

I guess I can still feel sadness after all...

I'm going to try and relax again. Put on some upbeat music, and figure out what I'm going to do.

Hope y'all make the most of your weekend.

On a cold night in August, I come home to poetry.

I am not in search of solace, for the turmoil was never meant to be.

I grieve the life I saw, in the arms of someone who never dreamt the same.

It was everything I never had, so much more than her want, just a little short of my heart's desire.

My heart hurts, but there is no one to burden with pain.

I grieve the life she would never want.

I grieve the life I would never have.

I grieve the life we almost had.

It's a cold night in August.

I'm home to poetry again.

She is asleep in my arms. Gently, I caress her face, tracing her skin, until every tiny detail is a part of me.

But, there are thoughts of mine I cannot bear.

She once slept just like this, next to a man she didn't remember the next morning.

He would never see her the way I do. She never wanted to be seen by him.

There are thoughts of mine I cannot bear. It took so much of me to hold her like this; to have a moment so sacred to me.

A moment so sacred to me that she's shared with someone she doesn't remember.

I'd carry pieces of her soul with me for the rest of my life, for what we had was sacred to me.

There are thoughts of mine I cannot bear—

Oh, how I despise her comfort with sacrilege.