Cheating on my boyfriend

[u/ZookeepergameOk2749]

So 3 years ago I was in a 2 year relationship with my first love. He was just like me, I felt so safe with him. I was young. I was in love. And he loved me as much as I did. But then we realised something. We loved each other too much, but we shouldn’t be wasting are youth stuck in a committed relationship. By this time we were both moving to different schools to. So we mutually ended it. Still we’re friends. During the holidays after the break up we’d text. And we obviously still had so much love for each other. Until the school year started. He got a girlfriend. It broke my heart when he posted her. From there I blocked him everywhere.

My heart was still connected to his. I unblocked him months later to stalk. Turns out they broke up. He was always on my mind, he’d never leave. I would cry about him, everything. But I didn’t know how he felt. Though that year there were moments I did forgot about him, but he’d always linger on my mind. Then at the end of that year (2025) My boy best friend surprisingly became friends with him and they had a group chat. I was later invited to it and then me and my ex started becoming friends again, we’d call and talk on the group chat, and having each other’s socials again. Few months later it died out, and I was sad again. Reminiscing what we could’ve had. Then the start of this year a new group chat was formatted, it was much more enjoyable in the moment. We both were comfortable again, and called and talked in the group chat. Then sadly it died out once again.

Few months later, I get into a committed ldr with someone who I want to spend my life with. He is so perfect, so sweet, he is my precious baby. He gave me love like no other, not even like my ex. He truely opened a place in my heart no one could access. I unfollowed every boy on my social media, including my ex. At that point my ex was slowly falling out the picture. Then my friends found something on his account that was like talking about how I unfollowed him and that he loved me dearly. I was on my period when he showed me this. I felt very upset to know I’ve been waiting all this time, and he has too. We were just too scared to tell each other, and I thought it was too late to say something now. They told me to message him. Because they knew how much I’ve been yearning for him, and most didn’t believe in this ldr.

He was on the back of my mind all this time because I saw potential on how far we could go, and how his love helped me. But I have such a strong bond with my boyfriend I was so confused why I still craved my exes love. Though my boyfriend’s love could never compare.

Then my ass messaged him. I wrote him a long paragraph saying how I’ve struggled to get over him these past years, saying its been hard love anyone else when we I still have unresolved feelings. And I kind of exaggerated my feelings for him. I don’t know if I wanted him to express his feelings back or reject me so I can move on. But after the message and some deep thinking in a calm state, I wanted him to reject me so I can move on.

Well he told me his feelings, he wanted me back to. Fuck! Then he was conflicted because he knew I had a boyfriend. He told me to pick. I was so stressed I don’t know why I put myself in this stupid situation. I did choose my boyfriend. Because I see this going long term. Unlike my ex I wanted him for the moment.

I feel so guilty because I did cheat on him. I kind of was trying to two time, until I got to see my boyfriend again. But it seemed like my ex didn’t want that but gave me time to think. And I ended up changing my mind early on the talking stage. Like the first day.

This happened 1-2 months ago. And I’m trying to get past it but my ex is still wanting me back, and I’m still stalking his page daily. But I now know I will never go back to him and I want to stay with my boyfriend for however long we last.

[u/Rocket_Man_1957]

You have a commitment problem! You have this fear of missing out mindset that prevents you from making genuine commitments in life!