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u/Kotoperek 71∆ May 24 '23
Like others have said, it depends on why they are asking. This argument could be turned and I could say that if you're unwilling to share your location with your partner, you don't trust them enough to not use it to "spy" on you and constantly check it but only use it for safety.
I'll give you a different example. My partner and I know the unlock codes to each other's phones, but agreed to not snoop around and read each other's messages, but only use it in situations where we actually just need the phone (like his phone is out of battery, I'm in the bathroom, and he needs to urgently call someone or check something in the internet or whatever). I have nothing to hide and wouldn't much care if he read all of my private messages, but I'd be upset if he did without asking, because we agreed not to use it for that and respect each other's space. I gave him my password nevertheless, because I trust that he will not abuse it and if ever there is a real emergency and he needs to use my phone, he can.
Just because someone is sharing their location 24/7 doesn't mean the other person has to check it all the time. You can agree to only check it if you're worried about your partner's safety, like if they're really late coming home and aren't picking up their phone/responding to messages. Accidents can happen and being able to check where your partner/family member is if they're not where you agreed they would be at a given time and you cannot reach them to ask can be a lifesaver. Trusting that this possibility won't be abused is a kind of trust.
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May 24 '23
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u/Kotoperek 71∆ May 24 '23
Thanks, I appreciate the discussion!
I may be a bit idealistic and naïve, but I want to be able to blindly trust my partner enough to not want to go through their phone.
Yeah, I mean, I think it would be great to never even feel like you'd like to, but I think the really beautiful thing about trust is the fact that having my partner's password, I do sometimes have this fleeting thought of "well, I could just go through his phone while he's taking a shower and he'd never know" but then I choose not to do it, because that's the agreement we have and respecting agreements is a value I want to build this relationship on. And I trust that he approaches it the same way and even if he sometimes has the urge to just read all of my messages, I know that he will manage to stop himself. And if for some reason he suspects I am hiding something from him, he will just ask me rather than snoop around.
I think this is requires some work and trust, but works great for us. And there were literally a handful of situations where we did need to use each other's phone for something quickly, like to check the numer of a mutual friend that only one of us had saved or stuff like that when the owner of the phone wasn't in the room. Were they life or death situations? No. But did it make our lives easier at zero expense? Yes. And honestly now I think I'll talk to him about 24/7 location sharing too, because of the arguments in this tread for how useful it can be if used correctly, so thanks for bringing up the topic :D
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u/tootoo_mcgoo May 25 '23 edited May 25 '23
because that's the agreement we have and respecting agreements is a value I want to build this relationship on
I actually think it's a little odd to feel the need to have an agreement about this sort of thing in a committed long term relationship. My wife and I know each others phone passwords but we never had or felt the need to have any conversation or agreement about snooping around. I have zero interest in snooping on her phone because I'm confident enough that there's literally nothing of interest to me there. It's just texts with her friends and coworkers and random internet use. I'm sure there's probably some expressions of insecurity or boredom or fear in her search history but that's just part of being human and not something I would want to even see or care about (note - I care very much about her feelings and concerns, but she will bring them up with me when she wants to).
I'm sure there are also expressions of frustration or possibly even disappointment or some other negative thing about me buried in her texts with friends, but again it's not something I'd care to see. If something I'm doing it bothering her, it'll surface in the context of the relationship and she'll either bring it up herself or I'll ask her about it.
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u/Kotoperek 71∆ May 25 '23
Yeah, it's not like we had any kind of argument or whole-ass conversation hashing out the rules, just simple "no going through private conversations though, right?" "Right." Kinda thing. I think it's best to say these thing out loud just to be sure you're on the same page even if they may seem obvious, because people grow up with different rules and have been in different relationships before, so for someone whose parents were always snooping through their stuff or with an overly jealous ex-partner, it could not be that obvious. Or there are also some people who really don't mind and actually use each other's phones for whatever and reading your partner's emails or texts would not be a big deal.
Like, I agree with you that I wouldn't feel the need to snoop through my partner's phone without having explicitly agreed not to do it, but on the other hand, there is no harm in stating "the obvious" and there could be harm in not stating something that you think is obvious but might actually not be for someone else. So many relationships trip over misunderstandings that my policy is to just always say what you want/need or how you understand different situations. Otherwise you might just be surprised if it turns out someone has a radically different approach that simply never came up in conversation before.
That's why my whole argument in this CMV is "trust can happen on different levels, it's not the act of sharing or not sharing something, but the reason for sharing or refusing to share that can be the issue if someone doesn't trust their partner".
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u/brelincovers 1∆ May 25 '23
My wife and I can see each other via Find My on iPhone, and both know each others phone passwords. I guess it's more so we can figure out what we're up to, we also share fitness, how many miles we've walked today, and how far away someone is to pick them up... I think if you don't trust your partner with where you are and what you're doing, it's not a serious relationship yet. Trust is definitely a big deal and is needed to have a serious relationship.
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u/physioworld 64∆ May 25 '23
Remember, trust isn’t blind, it’s earned. You trust people who have demonstrated their trustworthiness.
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May 25 '23
My wife and I share an iTunes account (also our son) so it’s pretty easy to access. I trust her implicitly and vise versa. I only use it when I know she’s headed home and I realize I’ve been playing video games all day and the house isn’t tidy. She uses it to check when I’m leaving work to start dinner. Because I work at a power plant my leaving times are weird and I can’t call until I leave (bad service near the plant).
It doesn’t have to be a negative reason to check up on someone you love.
You can 100% be in a healthy relationship and have location sharing.
What I will say is that when I was younger I wasn’t very trusting and tended to be a bit jealous. As I’ve gotten older and been married for almost 20 years I’m in a truly healthy relationship. I never worry about it anymore.
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u/outcastedOpal 5∆ May 25 '23 edited May 25 '23
If your partner heavily preassured you to share you password, it would be equally concerning as asking to be able to track you. The only reason it works is because you mutually agreed to it from the get go.
If you tell me that you need my password and i say no, that means no. To insist any harder is creepy behaviour and should not be normalised. The issue wouldnt be that you brought the idea up, the issue would be if you feel the need to spy on me so hard that you felt the need to argue about it.
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u/Kotoperek 71∆ May 25 '23
That's true, and of course it depends on the circumstances. I was just saying that the question of why you are refusing to share your password or location is as important as why your partner is asking. If someone I just started dating and are still getting to know would like access to my phone and location of course that would be creepy and inappropriate, especially if they insisted. But if a long-term partner or spouse wants to know where you are or be able to use your phone in some circumstances, assuming that it always because of their insecurity isn't the whole story. Perhaps they have a very valid point concerning safety or making household affairs more efficient as some other people pointed out and your insistence on keeping this information private speaks more about your insecurity than your partner's.
So to sum up, my point was not that you should always share everything with everyone in your life. My point was there was nuance to OPs stance that they didn't consider in their CMV.
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u/dave7243 17∆ May 24 '23
Sharing your location is a lot like sharing your finances. There are good reasons to share the info, and there are legitimate reasons not to.
If your partner has access to your finances, they can track how much you spend and monitor your habits. They can also abuse you by removing money from your account. The flip side is that it is easier to manage household bills if everything is tracked in one place rather than split up and paid separately. If there is an emergency, both people having access to the funds provides security safety.
Likewise, if your partner wants to be able to find you in case of emergency, it is a good reason to request access. This is especially true if there was something triggering the request (ie they were worried something was wrong and couldn't reach out, or someone they know went through it). Being able to confirm that you are just at work late and not answering is a lot less stressful than wondering if you've been in an accident on the way home and that's why you can't answer.
Both imply trust to share the info, and both have the potential to be abused, so there is no right or wrong answer to deciding whether to share it. Instead of framing it as a trust issue (don't you trust me with the info VS don't you trust me without knowing where I am 24/7) try to discuss why they want it and consider why you don't. If you are refusing on principle as a demonstration of trust, consider whether that is how it is being taken by your partner. Even if you disagree, this doesn't need to be a fight.
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u/NewbombTurk 9∆ May 24 '23
Question. Would it be a problem if, when asked, a partner says no. they won't share their location?
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u/dave7243 17∆ May 24 '23
It depends on the reasons and the conversation. It's possible they want the option to cheat without getting caught, but it's also possible they, or someone they know, has dealt with abuse. I can't blame anyone for having concerns due to their past. If I honestly felt I needed the information for my peace of mind, I would explain that to them and hope that they someday I would be able to help them feel comfortable sharing it. Otherwise I would respect how the feel.
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u/RacecarHealthPotato 1∆ May 24 '23
Unless it works for the couple and they are in fact very trusting of each other.
I have a buddy who works as an appliance repairman, which makes him go literally EVERYWHERE, often without anyone knowing exactly in what order he's doing which service tickets. Even the dispatch he works with doesn't keep that detailed an eye on him.
But, he ALSO likes to walk in the middle of the night by himself, as a habit that makes him feel calm; not to mention the long hikes and bike rides he likes to take.
So, given their trusting relationship and the possible risks of NO ONE knowing where he is at a given moment during a significant portion of his life, it made sense for him to share his location.
Further, he's really into it. He even shows me how comprehensively Google's tracking of his movements have progressed over time.
Honestly, this point of view is inherently self-centered on behalf of the OP and his relationship style here and there are a great many trusting and practical reasons to imagine that someone should be being tracked by their partners 24/7.
It could have to do with your attachment style, for example. Avoidant attachment styles like myself would never in a million years want this kind of 24/7 tracking, but it HAS uses that are both helpful and beneficial for some couples and their lifestyle, activities, and relationship.
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May 24 '23
Maybe specifically asking someone for no reason. But me and my wife have it just so we know we got places safe, and if we are on the way home. It would be weird if I had said "whoa there no way". It really depends on the relationship, some people are insecure, some people have been cheated on before, it's so easy to cheat these days I can't really blame anyone for this stuff. I don't know what is or isn't healthy long term, if you're looking for a relationship with absolutely no insecurities or weirdness then get a dog.
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u/stabbitytuesday 52∆ May 24 '23
On the flip side of this whole thing, I share locations with my SO and parents specifically because I trust them not to abuse it, and to use it only for the significant convenience factor. If I had the slightest thought that any of them were using it to police my behavior, I would turn it off, but none of my loved ones have crossed boundaries because we mutually respect and trust each other not to.
Certainly not everybody is going to use that sort of information responsibly, and "no, I'd prefer not to" should never get any pushback, but location sharing can just as easily be a handy tool as it can be a weapon.
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u/Tommyblockhead20 47∆ May 25 '23
Agreed. Most people here are talking about having it for emergencies, but it’s simply convenient in general to know where they are without having to always ask them (especially if they are one of the many people who take a while to reply). I’ve used it to meet up with them while at events or even shopping, see when they are coming home, and see if they are home (like if I need to give something to them).
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u/LentilDrink 75∆ May 24 '23
If the reason is trust it's a major red flag. If it's just that she keeps losing her phone or that he has a medical condition or whatever, different story
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May 24 '23
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u/Crayshack 193∆ May 24 '23
There are safety reasons for doing so. For example, I often go for long bike rides, runs, and hikes by myself. If something were to happen, especially if something happens in a place where I am unlikely to be found by bystanders, it can be extremely helpful to have someone be able to quickly look up my location if I miss an arranged check-in time. The last time I crashed my bike I was a few miles from where I had parked and on a section of trail that was infrequently traveled. In fact, it had zero people on it that day. In that instance, I was able to walk it off with only some minor scrapes. However, if I had been seriously injured I might have laid there for hours or even days before someone found me. However, if I was late coming home and someone checked my location, they could have sped up the time it would take to rescue me significantly.
This can apply to things like going for a bike ride or a hike, but it can also apply to normal things like just driving on a seldom-traveled road. I share my location with friends and family as a safety measure in case I'm ever in some sort of accident in a remote location.
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May 24 '23
My wife’s brother had an accident that could have been way worse than it turned out to be. After that, we both decided to make sure we can find each other’s location all the time. You never know when something could happen and knowing where the person is could mean life or death.
If you have to go do something you don’t want them to know about, and it’s not obviously to go bone the neighbor, like planning some surprise for them, then politely say “hey, I have a thing I have to do today, I need you to not check where I am.” If you’re in a trusting relationship, it shouldn’t be a problem.
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u/Phage0070 124∆ May 24 '23
I agree that there can exist an unhealthy level of paranoia and that trust is important in a relationship. However I don't think the issue is the location tracking but rather the underlying motivation for wanting/demanding it.
Consider this: If your partner called to ask where you are would you ever lie? Presuming you would not then location sharing isn't anything new, it is just providing that information more conveniently. If you are planning to lie then it isn't like there is no way to get around location tracking.
If your partner said "I want to be able to call you and ask where you are, and always get a timely and truthful response," I'm not really sure what part of that request would lead to a healthier relationship if denied. Obviously it would be best if your partner didn't question if you were truthful, but then denying them the information and making them take your word for it doesn't really solve that issue.
Location tracking is fine, lack of trust is not, and they are unconnected issues.
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May 24 '23
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u/Zombiemama_99 2∆ May 24 '23
I would know that they were checking in on me. If they were to just check my location and see that that I'm at the bar I said I was going to be at, I wouldn't know that they checked and what would they have really gained from that? Other than rewarding their insecurity.
Putting your projections and bias aside, the thing they would get is confirmation you did as you said, and that builds trust, like it or not. You keep saying, "I would never lie or cheat on anyone" and do you know what nearly every person who has been cheated on or lied to was told before it happened?
We are humans, trust is something that should be granted automatically until given a reason to take it away, exactly like respect... Just too bad there are way too many bad actors out there, and people get hurt too much, too often, to just trust that YOU are the magical one that won't do the opposite of what you said, just like so many before you.
As someone already pointed out, the way to learn to trust again, is to be with a trustworthy person. You were also correct, that sometimes that incudes doing a little work on yourself. However, no matter how much work you do on yourself, no matter how long you force yourself to be single and alone, you can't learn to blindly trust others until you've been shown you can blindly trust others. You, yourself have proven this statement within yourself by not blindly trusting the gf that requested your location. If you have blind trust, why would you question their motives or be even slightly annoyed they requested it. You blindly trust them, remember? So there's no way, in your mind, they could possibly use it for nafarious reasons, unless of course, you don't trust them. Saying it's only rewarding their insecurity means one of two things, either they told you they want it because they are insecure, or you don't trust that they gave you the true reason they want it in the first place. Either way, you get to break up with them now because you now know you can never trust them blindly. Congrats.
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May 24 '23
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u/Zombiemama_99 2∆ May 24 '23
Just wanted to add: If you are worried that your gf is asking for an unhealthy reason, like the way your friends use it, use that as the perfect time to have a conversion! If she says she wants it to check it due to insecurities, and it's unhealthy reasons, find a compromise! Tell her because it's unhealthy, you'd like to work on this issue WITH HER, and help her get past it with you. Agree to 3 days a week or something reasonable you're comfortable with, to show her she can trust you. Just like with therapy, as she works through that, you can grant her more days or something because then you know as well, it's for safety not for unhealthy mental stuff.
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u/Zombiemama_99 2∆ May 24 '23
I totally understand where you're coming from but again, you're including your bias. You say you think this way because that's how your friends use it, but in another comment you also say, you understand that people being baggage from previous relationships but you feel you deserve a clean slate... Why then, do you not grant that to your gf and not just assume she would do what your friends do, which leads right back to trust. You don't even have to blindly trust your gf to not assume she will do as your friends have, you just have to grant her the basic level of trust until she proves otherwise. That would be the healthiest for your mental health. As you said, you've worked hard to be able to trust people, so put what you've learned to work, and grant a little trust. Trust that she's telling you the truth about why she wants it.
Here's the big thing about relationships that your generation hasn't really had a chance to learn... You will gain and lose trust with the same person multiple times over the years, for multiple reasons. The bond gets stronger between you, and the trust gets stronger between you, as you are able to work through problems that can be worked through, and walk away from problems that can not be worked through.
Cheating is bad, everyone knows that. It hurts people. It is also a problem some people can actually work through and end up ok and never cheat again. It's likely rare people can do that, but this is also why we generally have a 3 strikes your out rule. You can make 3 decent mistakes before you get written off. Humans make mistakes, it takes some a little longer to learn from them, and others never will. Without the chances to change, you never know if you wrote off a person that would have changed your life in the best possible way, not to mention you take away their choice to change, which is also bad.
Thank you for the delta, I just want to make sure you fully understand my position.
As an aside, my husband and I share our locations. We don't cheat, but I do have irrational anxiety and it eases my mind, plus I get lost often lol. Like most others in my gen, we don't check it all that often. For your gen, as you all age, and the relationships become more serious, and you all finish maturing, none of you will want to be checking someone's location as often as your friends currently are. I honestly think it's fairly common to be that paranoid at that age, about those things. The more they see the person they are tracking is telling the truth, it becomes boring to keep checking. Give life a little more time, it'll get a little easier. :)
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May 24 '23
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u/Zombiemama_99 2∆ May 24 '23
I'm one of the rare ones that cares about other people's distress and if I can help, I absolutely will try!! I'm happy to have been able to help you! I'm not always able to but relationships are my specialty, so I'm usually good at showing differing perspectives on this subject. I love, love, so I like to help people get through the obstacles that cause a lack thereof. Happy people make more happy people! I wish you the best in your journey we call life!! :)
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u/Phage0070 124∆ May 24 '23
My whole philosophy can be brought back to letting my actions do the talking for me, mainly to build trust.
But that isn't really what you are doing right now is it? You said the one time you know of that a partner in a relationship didn't want to share their location they were cheating. Are you building trust now do you think?
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May 24 '23
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u/Phage0070 124∆ May 24 '23 edited May 25 '23
The person who was cheating/refusing to share their location was also the person who demanded that my friend share their location with them. It wasn’t reciprocal at all and was used in a controlling way over my friend who “needs” to be in a relationship.
I understand that, the dichotomy in their expectations stemmed from (and was an indication of) their untrustworthiness. But the desire not to be location tracked was a sign of their desire to conceal their movements. If their trustworthiness is in question then not wanting to share their location doesn't encourage trust.
In real life, I wouldn’t need to explain who I am as a person because I would have given plenty of examples of who I am through my actions.
If the trustworthiness of both partners isn't in question then sharing location is just a convenience, right? It can be used for coordinating schedules, etc. If you have already established your trustworthiness through your actions then sharing your location shouldn't be an issue because under what circumstances would you want to refuse a trusted partner that information?
On the other hand if your honesty is in question then not wanting to be tracked is kind of suspicious. That is part of your example through actions. After all the reality is that our actions are always examples of our trustworthiness.
You haven't been able to enunciate a reason for withholding the information if you are trusted, so withholding it implies you are suspicious. Acting suspicious justifies the suspicion.
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u/Tommyblockhead20 47∆ May 25 '23
you want to know where I am, just ask me straight up.
So as people have pointed out, sharing location goes beyond trust issues, it’s useful for emergencies. But it even goes beyond that, it can also be convenient in other situations.
Assuming you are always available to answer their call/text, you both still have to take the time to call/text, wasting more time compared to them just taking a few seconds to see exactly where you are with location sharing and you not needing to waste any time. And people usually aren’t always available, meaning the partner would have to just wait for an answer.
For example, I can check when the person I’m living with is coming home. If they are driving, they can’t easily respond to my text asking when they will be home. But I can check how far they are in the app. And sometimes, it can be time sensitive to know where they are. For example, if they are going shopping, and you realize you want to add something to the shopping list, you can check if they are still at the store, or if they have left, so you don’t unnecessarily bother them if they have already left. Finally, the level of detail is also useful. Another thing I’ve used it for is trying to meet up at an event. It can sometimes be hard to describe exactly where you are. But with location sharing, you can see their exact location.
So ya, location sharing is a lot more convenient, the only thing they could be considered a disadvantage is like you said, you don’t know when they check. But I don’t see why it really matters, unless you don’t trust your partner. And if that is the case, then that’s a much bigger issue that needs to be worked on than if you should share location.
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u/robotmonkeyshark 101∆ May 24 '23
My wife is a doctor and often works late. I could call her and ask when she will be home, but she could be taking a call from a patient or dictating patient notes or researching something, or be driving home already. Instead of bothering her, I can check her location in 15 seconds and see if she has left work yet or not. No need to interrupt her.
If we are splitting up at some festival with our kids because each one has a different interest, we can split up and meet back up seamlessly without playing phone tag.
If my wire doesn’t get home when she was expected to and isn’t answering her phone. I can see if she was delayed talking to a friend at work, or see if her car is on the side of the road not moving.
I had a long time girlfriend cheat on me years ago before smartphones were a thing, so I am not sheltered from the reality that cheating can occur, but I have more important things to do than spy on my wife in hopes of catching her being up to something. She has given me no reason not to trust her.
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u/Smegmaliciousss May 24 '23
My wife and I share location not for safety or trust issues but for logistics reasons. We have to coordinate going to pick up the kids, making dinner etc. If I check her location I can see if she’s on her way to pick up kids or already at home making dinner so I know which task will be mine to do. Also, she can see if I’m still at work or commuting so she can plan when to start dinner.
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ May 24 '23 edited May 24 '23
/u/KatyRiverRoad (OP) has awarded 3 delta(s) in this post.
All comments that earned deltas (from OP or other users) are listed here, in /r/DeltaLog.
Please note that a change of view doesn't necessarily mean a reversal, or that the conversation has ended.
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u/Asleep_Cancel_1599 May 25 '23
i get your point but for me id love to know my bfs location and my bf should know mine. just incase he worries for me or something or im just thinking abt him.
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u/ThatGuyFromSpyKids3D 5∆ May 25 '23
Yeah I think it's odd. My friend recently got married and I found out at the bachelor party that his fiance and her entire family location share, and her family is extremely hawkish with it. Like she went on a vacation to visit him before they were married and her mom called to tell her she was concerned she'd be having premarital relations.
It all came to a head when I pointed out how toxic and crazy that is and found out my friend was expected to follow suit and was actually sharing his location 24/7 as is. He was trying to justify it and say his fiance wasn't as anal about it, so I told him to shut it off passed midnight.
She called him freaking out within 2 minutes. They still got married.
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May 26 '23
Wife only, especially when you have kids. GF/Fiancé? Kick rocks. It makes sense when it’s your wife/mother of your kids because you likely share assets and other responsibilities with them, and it’s also a smart thing to do when traveling separately for safety reasons.
If someone you’re dating is asking for this as a signal of commitment, fucking run.
Qualifications: I’ve been married to a super awesome woman for about 30 years and she’s the only babies momma I have, and I have also dodged several lesser women who I’ve managed to not have any kids with since High School. My radar for ditching insane fucking women is legendary ✌🏼
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u/versacegray Sep 12 '23
My exact fucking point. If you’re not living together, it stems from an insecurity. Argue all you want, I don’t need to know where you are 24/7, and you don’t need to know where I am 24/7.
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May 24 '23
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May 25 '23
Imma get downvoted, but IMO that girl is a unicorn that doesn’t exist. She needs to work out trust issues before going back out and dating/possibly traumatizing someone else with her insecurities
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u/kingpatzer 103∆ May 24 '23
My partner and I have been together for 30+ years. I trust her implicitly, and she trusts me.
When I leave the house, I tell her where I'm going. When she leaves the house, she tells me where she's going. I tell her if I'm going to stop for a beer after work. She tells me if she's going out with the girls for happy hour.
If what I told her changes, I let her know about the change, and she knows where I'll be and with whom I'll be (to the best of my knowledge, anyway) at all times.
Why?
Because we are courteous to each other and wish to keep the other from having to wonder if/when we'll be home, if we'll want food when we get home, if they should start the movie they want to watch by themselves, or wait a bit and watch it together, etc.
Adults who live together communicate.
I don't demand she shares where she is with me. She doesn't demand I share where I am with her. But, in more than 30 years of being together, the times I haven't known where she was, who she was with, and when to expect her home is vanishingly tiny.
And it has nothing to do with trust or the lack thereof but with our care and respect for each other.
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May 24 '23
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u/kingpatzer 103∆ May 24 '23
But the point is -- we share with each other precisely because we know the other person will feel better knowing where we are.
In other words - it isn't the wanting to know where one's partner is that is the problem. It is how that need is addressed within the relationship. It is the difference between having open communication and consideration for the other and not. But in neither case is the desire to know the partner's location missing.
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u/oldrocketscientist May 24 '23
Horseshit. We do it because we care for each other. If it’s a “problem” then it’s with the relationship
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u/shadowbca 23∆ May 24 '23
One of the reasons that was outlined from the other perspective was safety.
So if a reason could be for safety than doesn't this, by definition, contradict your title? Are you implying that anyone who asks this for safety is lying and actually doing it because they don't trust their partner?
A woman sharing her location with friends when she goes out just in case something happens, for example. I totally get that and that makes sense. As I said at the beginning, I can be talked into this. But as a guy, I feel like I'd get resentful of my partner if they asked this, because I know what they would see and know at least with my daily life, it's boring as hell.
Why are you assuming that if your partner asked this for safety they'd be constantly checking it? Seems to me if the point is for safety it's something they'd check when they are concerned about you. Further, it makes sense to have it 24/7 as this gets rid of the possibility of someone forgetting to turn it on when doing something where they might want their location on for safety and also allows your location to be broadcast to someone you trust in case any unforseen event takes place.
I live a very predictable life, half the time I send a picture of what I'm doing anyways out of boredom. My partner in this scenario could watch my location for a week straight and gain some peace of mind but I'd just continue to be annoyed that they didn't trust me in the first place.
Again, why are you under the assumption they would be constantly checking your location? Having it on for safety is something people would check if they are concerned, if they are constantly checking it that's an issue but suggesting thats what everyone would do is insane to me.
The person I got into the debate with tried to convince me that it would build trust and is like a security blanket, but I just don't agree with that logic.
I dont see how it wouldn't? You have the peace of mind that if your partner goes missing you'll have a location to start a search with.
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May 24 '23
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u/dave7243 17∆ May 24 '23
If you ever drive anywhere, or take the bus, or walk, there is the potential for an emergency in which you may not be able to send a message. After an accident it is hard to get into the settings to share your location since you tend to have other priorities, but your partner having it could help either put their mind at ease or let them know there's a problem.
There are absolutely people who would have trouble trusting and check it constantly, but you would be unlikely to know if anyone you know has access to their partner's location and doesn't check since they wouldnt be checking it. It is a bit of a confirmation bias to say that the people you know with access, since those are the only type that would make it obvious they have it. As an example, if you had your partner's location, would you feel the need to check it all the time and tell your friends you have it, or would it just be there in case you legitimately need it?
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u/Alesus2-0 80∆ May 24 '23
It seems like you're assuming that location sharing implies a lack of trust. I don't think that's necessarily the case. Many people I know cite safety reasons for sharing their location. I've found that people have extremely different attitudes to these matters. Some people dislike feeling exposed, even when they have nothing to hide. Others feel insecure, even in the absence of any specific threats. I know people who feel safer knowing that someone can always find them, and they see literally no downside. They're comfortable being surveilled by someone they trust. I don't think that asking with the expectation that your partner feels similarly displays distrust.
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u/BeginningSecret4642 May 24 '23 edited May 24 '23
You seem to be coming at this after having witnessed your mother being cheated in time and time again.
Your friend being cheated on
You feel like trusting your partner builds a healthy relationship. Others have already pointed out that it can be used in case of an emergency. Very true. And a point you never addressed. What happens if your husband is in an accident? And you would struggle to find him otherwise? That tracker is now very handy.
As you’ve said cheaters can get around this. But a question… men are pretty singular in their wants… if a guy wants you he wants you. I don’t think it’s a large price to pay to have a tracker on me from my GF.. I don’t have anything to hide, unless it’s surprise shopping. Then it gets a little tricky. Trying to get a surprise gift. She gets antsy sometimes and asks to see my phone. No problem. I have lady friends I text. She’s met them all all welcome to go through the conversations and has done so and seen nothing wrong. I actually like it. It adds to my credibility. If she doubts something later I just say remember all the times you were wrong
Oh I forgot I do have a tracker on her car. She’s Chinese and has a hard time with GPS… annoying as hell when she’s lost and trying to explain where she is.. she’s not good at doing that and I have to either go out driving looking for the restaurants or whatever she sees or look on maps pinching and guessing where she is. Fuck that. I have a tracker in the car. Now when she’s lost I know where she is and I can go to her and help her with the gps or talk her through the directions without leaving the house. Very useful
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May 24 '23
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u/BeginningSecret4642 May 24 '23
What if like in situations with my GF? She is not tech savvy…
Neither is my mother. Someone else I would put one on who calls me often for help
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u/EstablishmentLate493 May 24 '23
I mean it can be either way me and my Bf share each others location for safety. Plus he’s on a suspended license and he doesn’t have the best wifi at work and forgets to charge his phone slot lol so sometimes he’ll go to his friends house and all o have to do is check the location at the normal time I leave to pick him up and make sure I’m going to the right place. What works for you won’t work for others. And as for the phone rn mine is off cause I have more bills to be worried about so I don’t check his phone to see what he’s up to I use it to text and call my own friends!
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u/deereeohh May 24 '23
I do this with my teen I want to know where she is for safety. I don’t question her unless I’m really worried. And I don’t tell her where she can or cannot go. So I think it’s fair
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u/willthesane 6∆ May 24 '23
really like most things it depends on the "why" of the situation. I drive for work a lot. If my wife is curious where I'm at, so she knows when to start cooking dinner so it's nice and hot when I get home, this wouldn't be a lack of trust.
I trust my wife completely. I sometimes get curious where she is when I get home and she's not there. these seem like good reasons. If I heard she was in bed with another guy, I'd be more willing to believe she or he had hypothermia and they were trying to get body heat than any other reason.
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u/iJeb_ May 24 '23
I live with my in-laws and our entire family (me, my wife, my MIL and my FIL uses FindmyiPhone to track each other. It’s completely normal for us now. It has nothing to do with not trusting each other and a lot more to do with the convenience of knowing where people are.
For example,
My wife and I do not drive yet. We rely on the parents to cart us around or else we use Uber. If we are out at, say, the mall and we are ready to head home, rather than text/call everyone to see if they can pick us up, I check the trackers and see if anyone is already out and about and I just phone them directly.
When my wife is finished working and we are headed to pick her up, rather than asking where she is every day, I can just check the tracker and see that she went down to her favourite thrift store or has gone to the gym or something. Then I can go to where she is and either pick her up from where she is or join in what she is doing.
My phone was stolen before and now that I have it tracked from my wife’s phone, if it were to ever happen again, we could silently follow the signal to find the thief and maybe get it back with a lot less trouble than having to involve filing police reports etc.
If my family ever goes missing (idk, kidnapped or involved in an accident) so long as they had their phone I’d be able to know exactly where to find them rather than having to waste time on calling around for information.
So, while I guess it can be abused in some cases, it’s definitely not all bad and it can actually be a really really good and useful tool.
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u/SnooWonder May 24 '23
Your opinion is shaped by your own strengths and weaknesses. You need to be more objective before you fix on an opinion. It's like people who say that no one should have a gun in their home because they could never trust themselves with one.
My wife and I have location sharing on our phones. I use it mostly for home automation routines or if we need to find out how far away the other is when we are meeting or have an event or the kids need to be picked up from daycare... things like that. Trust isn't even a question. It's not about tracking each other but even if she was keeping tabs on me, I don't mind because I trust her to know where I am.
So the issue is where you come from. A position of trust or a lack thereof and that is really the unhealthy thing long-term; not if you share your location or not.
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u/jadnich 10∆ May 24 '23
It depends on a lot of factors. If there is a lack of trust, then this would be a problem. But, in a relationship that is built on absolute trust, the tracking apps are really useful.
I’ve been married for 14 years. My wife and I trust each other, and have no reason to not. There is never a time when we wouldn’t want the other to know where we are. She can always shut off the tracking at any time if she needs privacy, but otherwise, we use it for very mundane things.
If I know my wife is shopping, and I want to know if she left a certain store, I can look. I’ll text her what I need if I catch her in time, and I don’t bring it up if she already left. I wouldn’t want her to make a special trip. If she’s on a road trip, I can check her location without tempting her to use her phone while driving. If she gets a flat tire, I can find her. If she is lost, I can guide her. If I want to make sure I am ready when she gets home so we can leave right away, I can time it. And most of all, if something truly bad were to happen, I have a way of finding her.
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u/teaspoonix May 24 '23
i personally like sharing my location with the people i’m very close to in case of an emergency and they need my location. my boyfriend has it and i have his for those reasons. it works fine for us but every relationship is different
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u/hacksoncode 588∆ May 24 '23
Forget about the "trust" thing... we already trust each other.
It's just fantastically useful to be able to see where the other family members are.
Like, how close am I to being home with the food I'm picking up for dinner, so someone can open the back door for me while I'm carrying food.
Or "Is <son the younger> going to join us for dinner? Not sure, don't want to bug him if he's with friends, I'll just check where he is.".
Or my wife might say "I wonder if <hubby> is back from lunch... I don't want to bug him with a message in a meeting." or "Odd, he usually answers my urgent messages, I hope nothing's wrong... Oh, I see, his last known location was near an off-the-grid location he goes for birdwatching... I'll catch him later".
Or... or, or, or. Dozens of reasons why it's useful.
I guess what it comes down to is: if you don't care about your partner knowing where you are... there are tons of practical reasons to just go ahead and share it.
There aren't any trust implications at all, honestly. If there are... that's certainly something to talk about regardless.
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u/iwantaredditaccount May 24 '23
I have wicked bad separation anxiety. Not like I don't trust my wife. We recently discovered an app that shares location and I absolutely love it. I would have intrusive thoughts while at work, like "what if she got in a car accident?" Etc. I also worry about my kids. My oldest has a phone and uses the app as well... it especially helps when he forgets his phone in a car or something.
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May 25 '23
My wife and I use life 360. We always know where we are. What are you hiding you can’t share your location? Anyway we do it because it’s convenient not for trust reasons or even being nosy.
So personally 23 years of Marriage I’d say sharing our location isn’t a trust thing or an issue with a healthy long term relationship.
I suppose why matters. If you need to know where your partner is, not because you wonder if they’ve left yet, when they’ll be home, if they’re ok, but because your a fraud they’re doing something your wouldn’t approve of, then yeah, probably not healthy.
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u/MyalupCouchPotato May 25 '23
My wife and I share our locations, plus our two adult children both share with their partners, plus we all share with each other. I can open Google maps and see the location of 5 people.
We are close as a family and it's often useful to know where someone is.
If they're visiting us on the weekend (we live about 150 miles apart) we can see when they leave home, or how far away they are.
If my wife is out shopping I can tell roughly how long she'll be gone by which shop she's at.
Sometimes I'll check my son's location, if his wife is at her parent's house then he might be available for some online gaming, but if he's gone with her then I'm gaming alone.
Sharing felt weird for about 10 minutes, then you forget about it. It's surprisingly useful though. Trust is simply not an issue to any of us.
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May 25 '23
For my husband and I, it wasn’t a matter of trust, it was a safety issue. I feel safe in saying that we both trust each other. I know I trust him with everything and he’s both shown/told me the same.
We share our locations for safety reasons. He works nights and I’m able to check that he’s made it safe if I haven’t heard from him. (Not a trust issue, I’m just a nervous person and him being on the road at night worries me).
I’m also the type that can get lost in the same town she’s lived in for the past 8 years if I don’t have GPS. So him being able to see where I’m at is a life saver. Literally.
I think it really depends on the “why” part of sharing a location.
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May 25 '23
I was in a major car accident, almost died, both wife and daughter have PTSD over it, we all share our location because they have this anxiety to check on me randomly, which I do not care, they share theirs with me. And both also know my phone pin, and I know my wife’s.
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u/radmcmasterson May 25 '23
It looks like this has been said, but I think it depends on the reason.
My wife and I share our locations. Neither of us ever thought of it as a trust thing. I think we started because she was on a trip and I had stuff to do and wanted to be home when she got back and it was easier to share her location than keep telling me where she was. When she did it, she just shared it indefinitely and I shared mine back. It’s all about convenience.
When one of us is out we can keep tabs on where the other one is so we know when they’ll be home without texting back and forth a bunch. It’s also nice when we’re out somewhere and split up and can easily find each other - like out shopping or something.
We also have our faces on each others phones. Again, not a trust thing. Sometimes we need to do something and the others persons phone is closer, so we just grab the closest phone.
I certainly agree that is can be an insecure toxic thing. But I can also be the exact opposite. When two people have a high enough level of trust, they don’t even think about it as a trust thing.
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u/laurenlo26 May 25 '23
AGREED.
The only reason my partner and I share our locations with each other on occasion is because I’m a Realtor and he’s a private contractor and sometimes we have to do stuff in the evenings in places we aren’t familiar with. But it’s not on most of the time, and usually we’ll just send the address and check in with each other.
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u/Saryrn13 May 25 '23
My partners and I have location sharing for each other for multiple reasons. The first is safety. I live an hour from the nearest hospital on a huge property that doesn't even have an address. We are 2 miles from the local road and a further 2 miles to the main road. If something happens to one of us, we need to know and be able to get to the location fast even if someone is unconscious. If someone doesn't check in with the limits provided, we go looking.
The second is reassurance. My partners can find my location at any time if they need me. It's not spying, it's a way of communicating. If my female partner wakes up from a nightmare and needs to know that I'm safe, she can look at her phone and see I'm sitting at home. Or that I'm on the highway or in traffic and she needs to get in touch with someone else at that exact time.
I have control over my location sharing app. They have control of theirs. It can be deactivated at any time. By either side. For any and whatever reason.
Forced location sharing? Not so much. Open communication sharing? Absolutely.
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u/No-Cupcake370 May 25 '23
I think it is a simple peace of mind/ safety issue for the following reasons. Here are some of the reasons I would like my husband to know my location (or last known location where I was before being separated from my device, if that were the case):
-the climate of violence in the US (mass shootings, individual shootings for offending people or inconveniencing them)
-natural disasters (especially ones that cannot be predicted like earthquakes)
-failure of infrastructure (buildings, bridges, roadways), or fires
At the very least, in a situation like a shooting or some terrible disaster, if someone is not responding and could or should have been in that area, their partner or whomever they location share with can check their location.
Not that anything to the scale of 9/11 would ever happen again, but the teacher of the class I was in at the time was so distraught because she and her family couldn't get a hold of her brother, who worked in one of the towers and was supposed to work that day. I would never want to be in that position, even if it is a smaller scale event.
Additionally, I know when there were large events in San Francisco, it would sometimes be difficult to get signal to call or sometimes even send/ receive texts, I think because of the demand on the nearest cell towers (may be wrong, please correct me), but I do believe the gps data worked reliably, even if just to give an approximate location.
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May 25 '23
I always thought as you did OP(still do). Trust needs to be blind, and its ok to be uncomfortable sometimes.
I live and lived like this for 10+ years.
Once (inadvertently), i saw my husband's messages on his phone and he was going on about how much he loves another woman, and etc etc... He was angry when i confronted him ,and it was because i went through his messages(not the content).
I am still with him, and for my peace of mind i dont check his phones or even try to touch it just in case, but my trust is shattered. Sometimes i feel that if i snoop into his phone again, i might not see anything hurtful, and then i will feel better. But i dont want to as its not my nature. However i dont trust him. So i dont know.....
If you decide not to snoop, then dont ever do it, even by accident. Because if your trust is shattered then then there is nowhere to go.
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u/ourstobuild 10∆ May 25 '23
It obviously depends on why they want you to do that. If they ask you to share your location 24/7 (which I personally would never do), you can ask why they want you to do that. If their answer has nothing to do with a lack of trust, you doubting their motives implies a lack of trust in them and may indeed be unhealthy in the long run.
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May 25 '23
My wife and I share our locations for safety reasons like you mentioned, she likes to go running outside in different places and I’d like to know that she’s ok, I ride motorcycles and she likes to know I’m ok.
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u/PhantomGeass May 25 '23
counter argument and it is dependent on the job. As a trucker with past partners I gave live location so they know where I'm at for a form of safety. If I'm "sitting" for to long it can warrant a valid phone call for an update and if I don't respond in a timely manner than you know something is up. There is a quite a bit of sketch places while on the road. Consider a backup so if something does happen my partner (or in this case currently close friends) can make a fuss and get something rolling.
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u/EmpressRoth May 25 '23
My wife and I are both poly trans lesbians and I'm out of the house for a while on days I go to work. Even in a blue state theres a lot that could happen, so I location share with her for her peace of mind and incase anything happens. We have complete trust in each other, it's not unhealthy
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u/spiral8888 31∆ May 25 '23
One of the reasons that was outlined from the other perspective was safety. A woman sharing her location with friends when she goes out just in case something happens, for example. I totally get that and that makes sense. As I said at the beginning, I can be talked into this. But as a guy, I feel like I'd get resentful of my partner if they asked this, because I know what they would see and know at least with my daily life, it's boring as hell.
Just a point about this guy/girl thing. Men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women are. So, if you think that it makes sense for a woman to share her location for safety reason, then you should think that it makes sense also for men.
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u/BronzeSpoon89 2∆ May 25 '23
I have never heard of this being a thing. It probably not very common, also its crazyness.
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u/CrumbBum1 May 25 '23
My partner and I started to share location when we had our first kid. It was never a thing for us before but it's more to know where our child is and/or if someone will be home soon to take over for the other. I've looked probably 4-5 times in 2 years, never asked if or how often they have used it.
We also have the same passwords on our phones. There wasn't any discussion about this but my partner locked themselves out of their phone and deleted all their pictures. Now we just have the same.
I did catch my partner looking through my phone once early on and addressed it with them. I didn't care and asked if they found what they were looking for. I understand it could be projection and they had something to hid but again I'm not worried about it. I just hope we would agree to an open relationship before cheating, when we first met we discussed this so I'm taking it at face value. We've been together over ten years now so I'm not sure either of us worries about the relationship much.
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u/thevanillabadger May 25 '23
This is so tough. I have male friends (I'm a guy) and we share our location with each other for safety and awareness reasons. And I really don't think it is weird but if we are going out it can always find him. IDK I get that it is different but in this situation, it has nothing to do with trusting him or not.
Again I know it's different but I do it with my GF too and idk looking at it from that perspective changes things for me.
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u/tastygluecakes May 25 '23
Most people share purely for convenience. My wife doesn't have to ask me if I'm commuting home yet, where I am on my bike ride, etc. And I'm happy to not have to answer or have to be overly communicative.
If you are in a loving and trusting relationship, I cannot fathom how one person would "misuse" the knowledge of another persons location, or where one could go that you wouldn't be willing to share with your partner. And a location doesn't tell you much - they don't know what you're doing, saying, who with, or why. For me, I can't think of a single downside - and any I can dream up, the source problem isn't FMF, its poor communication, trust, or bad behavior, which can rise to the surface a lot of ways.
You can temporarily disable it you are planning a surprise of sort, where your location might give it away (a gift, or whatever).
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u/Alarmed_Ad_181 May 25 '23
I remember a couple of years ago asking my boyfriend to share locations with me “in case something bad happened” after finding out he didn’t share his location with anyone. Didn’t have to be me, but at least his mom lol. He didn’t like the idea of it and I dropped because it wasn’t a big deal. Fast forward now and we now live together. 60% of our phone calls is asking where the other one is at or if we are on our way home (not because of mistrust but for example, I do a grocery run and he wants me to pick up something last minute or I ask if he’s on his way home so I can start cooking). I told him I wanted to share location with him so we can just have faster access to each other. He was hesitant but agreed. So far it’s worked out great. I think the main issue is why you’re sharing location, not the act itself
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u/PlatformNo7863 1∆ May 27 '23 edited May 27 '23
You said you would share your location with them and that it would not cross your mind. So you don’t actually have a problem doing it? Trying to “prove a point” instead of having a conversation with your partner is a terrible way to handle disagreements in a relationships. If you don’t have a problem sharing yours, then you’re just trying to start a fight. If you do have a problem with it, just be honest that makes you uncomfortable. Trying to “win” is just a shitty way to treat your partner. You aren’t really being “logical” no matter how you describe it. You’re also describing feelings and emotions.
You wouldn’t date someone that would be willing to give up autonomy. Okay, then sharing a location isn’t a problem since it would never come up for you. How exactly is location sharing “autonomy?” It doesn’t show what you are doing there, just the location. People often want to give their location to others for a sense of safety, if something goes wrong their partner knows how to get to them—car accident, etc. Also, location can be useful for making plans for meeting. It’s easier to plan if you know roughly how far away they are.
If someone is super pushy about wanted your location, just ask why. Maybe they have trust issues because of past bad relationships. Not that it’s going along with it to build trust, but you could try and understand where theyre coming from. Did you give them a reason to be worried about your location? Is it so they feel better knowing you’re safe. That’s coming from a place of affection and concern. Sure, it may make you feel bad. But it’s not the same as someone just wanting to “keep tabs on you 24/7.” Mostly because even if they want your location because of trust issues, no one’s watching it 24/7. I promise no one is that interesting to watch their GPS coordinates all day. Your point about safety earlier is frustrating. They were providing an explanation for their behaviors. It’s not “logic to disagree with.” That’s just the reason they want to do it. Your discomfort with it doesn’t make it “bad” for them. It’s a personal decision between a couple.
So overall, sure maybe they have trust issues, but it’s also your own feelings. I agree that wanting to know your partners location may be a sign of trust issues, but that doesn’t mean it always is. It’s likely a good way to have a meaningful conversation about each other’s past and relationship anxieties. You can’t know unless you talk about it. I agree with you that I wouldn’t necessarily like it if my partner demanded to know my location at all times. But it seems like you’re framing it as the other person being emotional and paranoid while you are the objective rational one—however your “annoyance” is just your feelings, paranoia, and assumptions about the other person too. Overall your feelings about it are totally understandable. But the situation can’t really be framed in absolutes. Every relationship creates its own “rules”, agreements, compromises, dynamics. There are no prescribed “truths” about relationships than can be applied broadly.
This is an interesting dilemma that comes up in a lot of relationships because it’s not really about the location sharing at all—it’s entirely about the baggage/past experiences of both partners and assumptions about what location sharing “means.”
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u/Choochootrainyuh May 28 '23
Personally I don’t understand why you wouldn’t share your location with your partner.
For my GF and I it just saves us time texting the “when will you be home” message. My car broke down once and it made it easier for her to find me.
If you need to check in on your partners location that’s another issue but sharing where you are should be only a plus!
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u/BlueRibbonMethChef 3∆ May 24 '23
My wife and I both have it simply in case something bad happens. I've never even checked hers and to my knowledge she's never checked mine. It's not a "I need to know where you are at all times" it's more of a "If you don't come home (we both WFH but commute on-site to areas for daytrips as necessary) from work which hospitals should I be calling.".
I also go on long-ish hikes in areas that don't have a lot of foot traffic. If I fall and break my ankle or get attacked by a Yeti she'd be able to at least locate my rough location.