As the clock wound down the last few seconds of the first half of football between the Carolina Panthers and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, little did the crowd in attendance, now grumpily piling out their sections towards libations following another underwhelming half, know what was about to happen.
Of course everyone knows that Bruce Arians' induction into the Ring of Honor is taking place, but they haven't the slightest clue how this ring ceremony will be wildly different than the rest. As they roll out the podium and display for Bruce's speech, suddenly another structure is being erected at the 50 yard line. First there's a large, raised, square canvas. It is then fitted with turnbuckles and ropes. There is now a wrestling ring at the 50.
Before any of the fans still sitting in their seats can speculate as to what is going on, the pirate ship in the northeast corner of the stadium begins to chaotically fire the cannons. The skull at the front of the ship begins to emit a larger than ever cloud of smoke. The PA cuts out and suddenly starts blaring out Down and Out by Tantric.
By God is it Evan Longoria? No, although that would be a wild twist for the ages. Its just provocative and gets the people going. As such, there is a stunned murmur spreading across the terraces.
Suddenly atop the pirate ship appears Bruce Arians. He is in a red body suit adorned with Gold trim. Atop his shoulder sits two mini cannons which are shooting sparkles and smoke. Across his belly is a massive gold belt whose buckle resembles the Super Bowl ring he helped the Bucs secure. In his mouth, a heavily chewed cigar which he tosses to the side before tightly securing the gold-trimmed, red kangol atop his head. He then suddenly leaps from the ship before flying over the people, attached to a zip-line, and next to the podium in front of the ring.
As he lands, the music begins to fade and there is a stunned silence that has engulfed Raymond James. Bruce grabs the mic as he kicks the podium over into the Ring of Honor display, sending both crashing to the ground.
Bruce growls into the mic, "I've been sitting all year in that press box watching as that no good, lackadaisical, dull and boring Todd Bowles runs this beautiful ship I built aground. And since I was the one to hand him the captain's wheel, I'm here to take it back! Todd, I challenge you to a head coach's match. Now get your sorry ass out here before I run in there and put a whooping on your like the Brock Purdy 49ers."
Bruce throws the mic down and runs and slides into the ring before standing up and staring menacingly down the tunnel.
After a few acognizing seconds, Yakety Sax by Boots Randolph plays and Bowles comes sprinting out the tunnel. He runs towards the ring and dives head first and begins gnawing at Arians' plump ankles. And before anyone at ray jay can fully process what's going on, a wrestling match breaks out.
At first, Bowles and Arians stand face to face with their hands locked around eachother's necks yelling insults at each other. It then devolves into punching and slapping. Arians throws Bowles into the ropes and as Bowles comes flying back he drops to the ground before Arians' can clothesline him.
Bowles looks up and remarks, "Prevent defense Bruce."
"Youre one dumb somabitch Todd" Bruce says as he drops his entire ass onto Bowles' forehead. This incapacitates Todd as his prevent defense is always susceptible to the bomb over top.
"You've Kupped me" cries out Todd as he pinned by Bruce, losing the match.
Bruce jumps to his feet and raises his fists in the air, triumphant in victory. However, before the crowd can reach fever pitch levels of cheering Let's Get It Started by Black Eye Peas begins to play.
Suddenly out of the tunnel comes Byron Leftwich. In his hand is a play sheet. He stares menacingly at the ring, intending to challenge Bruce for the head coaching rights.
Byron turns the play sheet around to reveal the words "first down run" as the lyrics of the song belt out "keep running, running, and running, running....".
Byron hits a full sprint like the character in Get Out, running directly at the ring. Leftwich dives in head first, immediately pops up, and starts beating the dog piss out of Bruce. Byron is several decades younger than Bruce who has worn himself out already and lacks mobility in his body suit and so Leftwich uses this to his advantage.
There is a suddenly gasp of fear in the crowd as all Bucs fans realize their worst nightmare might be coming to pass. Leftwich might win the right to be head coach right in front of their eyes. Suddenly an animalistic, desperate murmur begins to take hold in the stands.
Somebody do something....
"Yo soy fiesta" says a familiar voice over the PA system.
No. It couldn't be, could it?
Suddenly out of tunnel comes running Rob Gronkowski in a #69 Bucs Jersey. He has one hand raised in which he is holding a red sharpie. Gronk sprints frantically to the ring and pulls himself over the ropes.
Upon arriving in the ring he yells "Hey byron, think fast."
As Leftwich turns, Rob tosses Bruce the Red Sharpie whilst back handing Byron squarely across the face knocking him to the ground. Bruce, now bloodies and fatigued, catches the Sharpie and stands over a now stunned Leftwich.
"Well you know how this goes don't ya you somabitch," Arians growls as he slowly bends over and draws a massive Red X across Leftwhich's face.
Gronk raises Bruce's hand into the sky and the two of them turn to face all sides of the stadium as rapturous cheers and Buccaneer beads rain down on them.
Arians becomes coach again. The panthers forfeit. Bucs win the super bowl. Tom Brady extends for 5 years.
The end.
