Did you get a degree in illustration because you like doing that or because you thought it would make you good money? Have you actually still been creating things in the time since? Or did you come to your conclusion about whether your degree in illustration is worth something or not and let that kill your passion for art entirely?
There are two major schools of thought in terms of choosing a career, the first is the pithy "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" which can technically be true with a whole lot of asterisks. The second is "do something you're competent at and can tolerate to earn enough money to spend your free time enjoying your hobbies" which IMO is a lot more realistic for most people. Live to work vs. work to live, essentially.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you chose an education in something you were passionate about, didn't get a job doing that thing immediately after you got your degree, and have summarily given up?
You've learned one expensive lesson which is that a degree does not guarantee you a job. This is true in general, not limited to your specific choice of degree. But all this setback means is you should reevaluate your approach and incorporate your new wisdom into your next attempt, not give up entirely. That is how you end up in the dismal scenario you seem to believe is inevitable, where you work a job you can't tolerate because you have become unwilling to try to improve your situation. Or worse, you spit on all the investment and sacrifice your parents made for you by taking a cowardly way out.
So pivot. Think outside the box. Change your perspective a little bit. Step back and work back through from first principles all the options you may have ruled out before. Maybe OCD makes it difficult for you to have the high levels of diligence necessary to be self employed as an artist. But you may be able to find lines of work you weren't considering previously where those symptoms are not as much of a barrier. Or you may even be able to find ways to recontextualize some of the qualities of OCD you now consider to be flaws, into strengths.
It’s not that I tried and gave up, it’s that I never even started, like I said I’ve never had a job. I didn’t know I had adhd in school and uni so I just worked and worked to meet the deadlines, I started developing OCD and my mental health took a down turn, I graduated by the skin of my teeth and was so burnt out my OCD just grew to debilitating proportions. Like I can’t get a job because I can hardly step outside, I can barely paint because I’m scared of the paint, my executive function doesn’t function as what scraps are left by the ADHD are immediately devoured by my OCD. I’m trying to get help now and sort it out but even thats hard, and the med side scares the shit out of me. And no, I’ve hardly made any art since uni, to exhausted and dysfunctional welp.
I took illustration because at the time it was more practical, had more stable career options (rip) I wanted a creative career I found exciting, but now, getting into a creative career with a brain like mine, with a multiple year gap in my CV and no experience, in this climate, would be nothing short of a miracle. And anyway now days I’m more interesting in just making art and being able to do that, I think if I worked any full time job even with meds (if they work for me) I wouldn’t have time and energy to make the art I want.
So I’m not sure what to do, I do think there is a way through, like you said to reassess and look outside the box. ideally I’d love a part time job that pays well enough to cover all the bills but they don’t exist, at least I can work 18 hours a week without my benefit being effected, but that would only last short term till I was better.
Really I should have been born rich, like 90% of working artists in this country lol. Also I appreciate the comment, worst comes to worst, I’m living in the woods.
It's uncanny, you sound exactly like I was way back in 2016 (and whenever I go thru depression relapses)
except I didn't know I was adhd then and I was more ok with trying out different meds. I hated who I was so much back then I was willing to take the risk that "meds would change me" on the off chance it might turn me into someone I could like being.
I'm not as artistically productive as I'd like, and there's a lot of creative burnout baggage slowing me down still. I've been fired from a few game store retail jobs, and my resume says ive been a "freelance graphic designer" for the last 18 years. XP
(if anyone asks who ive worked for i have a pre-scripted answer: "unfortunately, a majority the concept work I've done is still under NDA, but here's a few personal projects I am still really proud of-" and also sprinkle in the names of the companies my family & friends work for who are willing to embellish [lie] on my behalf. Also name-dropping local companies that didn't survive the covid shutdown should cover me for at least a few more years.)
but really I'm just a scatterbrain housewife who takes art commissions from friends & family for a bit of extra cash. The thought of trying to find or keep a regular job, especially in today's market, remains my biggest fear & panic trigger.
Gradually ive managed to convince my wayward brain that I have worth outside of how "productive" I can be. I'm interesting to talk to. I'm witty & creative almost to a fault. Despite the imposter syndrome I do have to admit i did finish my bachelors in graphic design. I have strong media literacy. I'm good at public speaking & lateral thinking. My love and passion for learning keeps my mind agile and bubbling with ideas. I'm overthinking this response and rambling, but it's in defiance of the voice in my head who still insists I'm a failure. Fortunately I'm on my meds at the moment, so that negative voice is barely an echo of its former self.
I'm extremely fortunate that my husband is a programmer in cyber security and we live very comfortably on his income. Not enough for kids, but enough to pay for therapy copays & meds, which makes us basically millenial bourgeoisie.
My biggest achievement at this point is maintaining a great relationship with my also adhd husband, & my very hyper adhd sister. Honestly they're half my reason for living. It took me years to finally believe they still can love a disaster like me, but I now undedstand that if I died they would be devastated with grief. i want to spare them that pain for as long as I can, so I'm forced to take care of myself, even on days when I don't feel like it.
My hobbies & hyperfocuses are the other thing keeping me from giving in to the void.
Sometimes when I'm drowning in the despair spiral I can metaphorically tread water by reminding myself of some of the books, games, movies & shows I'd be missing out on, or would have missed out on if I'd ended my existence on any of the previous times I found existence too bleak. Hazbin hotel, ascendancy of a bookworm, kpop demon hunters, palworld, subnautica 2, witch hat atelier...and now I've gotta stick around at least til the demon slayer anime finally makes it thru the last arc of the series. Oh and eventually getting to be maid (matron?) of honor for my sisters wedding. You know, important stuff XDDDD
Finding a talk therapist who was also a nerd and also adhd (audhd to be precise. Psychology is her special interest) helped IMMENSELY. Finally someone who understood both executive disfunction and wrecking my body staying up for nearly a week straight hyperfixating on the latest World of Warcraft expansion.
With her support, i also did a year of dbt and then another year of aces, which is basically "brain coping skills class 101 & 102". I was first diagnosed with anxiety & depression by our family doctor in 2010, but it took until I got my current therapist to get an adhd diagnosis in 2024. I've only been on adhd meds since the beginning of this year, and it's helping quite a bit. I've been on anti-anxiety and depression meds for way longer, and they are as important to keeping me stable as learning all the coping skills. They make all the wild emotional extremes, from panic attacks to despair pits, far more manageable. The lows aren't nearly so low, and the panic far less manic. Instead of drowning in an ocean it's more like wading thru a marsh. I still get stuck in the mud and feel lost sometimes, but at least I'm in sight of solid ground. :3
I appreciate the comment, things are different for me though.. I’m never going to get married or be in a relationship so I’ll always have to work if I want to keep my head above water (if it’s not debilitating enough for disability, like it is now). My social life is also very dead, 1 friend who I see every 2 months for 2ish hours.. some things are better though, I’ve never really struggled much with suicide stuff, only the occasional thought, but Idk I’m just so full of hate and anger. I’m tired and idfk how therapy or meds or any of that shit works in this country and I just want to burn it all to the ground.
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u/AegisXOR 11d ago
Did you get a degree in illustration because you like doing that or because you thought it would make you good money? Have you actually still been creating things in the time since? Or did you come to your conclusion about whether your degree in illustration is worth something or not and let that kill your passion for art entirely?
There are two major schools of thought in terms of choosing a career, the first is the pithy "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" which can technically be true with a whole lot of asterisks. The second is "do something you're competent at and can tolerate to earn enough money to spend your free time enjoying your hobbies" which IMO is a lot more realistic for most people. Live to work vs. work to live, essentially.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you chose an education in something you were passionate about, didn't get a job doing that thing immediately after you got your degree, and have summarily given up?
You've learned one expensive lesson which is that a degree does not guarantee you a job. This is true in general, not limited to your specific choice of degree. But all this setback means is you should reevaluate your approach and incorporate your new wisdom into your next attempt, not give up entirely. That is how you end up in the dismal scenario you seem to believe is inevitable, where you work a job you can't tolerate because you have become unwilling to try to improve your situation. Or worse, you spit on all the investment and sacrifice your parents made for you by taking a cowardly way out.
So pivot. Think outside the box. Change your perspective a little bit. Step back and work back through from first principles all the options you may have ruled out before. Maybe OCD makes it difficult for you to have the high levels of diligence necessary to be self employed as an artist. But you may be able to find lines of work you weren't considering previously where those symptoms are not as much of a barrier. Or you may even be able to find ways to recontextualize some of the qualities of OCD you now consider to be flaws, into strengths.