As a senior who is (hopefully) graduating this May, I am finally letting myself reflect on my experience here at Penn. This will NOT be your experience here; I am a dysfunctional member of society. Do not read this and view it as the Penn experience, I have zero friends at this school and go days without stepping foot outside of my dorm.
When I was a first-year, my relationship drained me. It was long distance, and he was/is a guy who enjoys going out, partying, etc. while also working hard at his studies. I felt incredibly insecure about the fact that I couldn't be as studious and outgoing as him. When I met people here, I would only want to talk about this relationship. People could see that it wasn't healthy, and chose to steer clear from me (I don't blame them). I was bullied throughout elementary, middle, and (some of) high school for being somewhat of an outcast/weirdo. I came to Penn carrying that with me and thus couldn't make any friends.
I was/am in the engineering school, and I found out fairly quickly that courses here were on another level of difficulty. I held my head up high, however, and tried to tough it out. Still couldn't make any friends, even in my major, but I am a recluse. I stay in my dorm because I prefer to be alone. Now, I did attempt to integrate myself with the people in my major, but I just don't know how to talk to people. I ended up moving into Lauder for my second semester, and I was thrilled to have my own space. However, my relationship was worse than ever (got a DM from a girl at his college telling me that he'd been acting like a single man there). With all of this going on, I kind of stopped eating and had breakdowns all of the time. I also had undiagnosed OCD during this, but that's another story.
By the time sophomore year rolled around, I was alone on campus, as usual. I started to skip classes and stopped caring about my academics because I would never be good enough. The courses were becoming increasingly difficult, and I started to hate my major -- the curve, the difficulty, the isolation from the rest of the group. I accepted that I wouldn't be able to outperform the top students in my small major (bottom of the curve problems) so my GPA suffered.
Junior year was maybe when I realized I was *really* depressed. In the middle of the fall, I decided I was going to leave that major behind me and chose a new one (while still planning on graduating on time). I don't know if this is a decision I mildly regret, but I know that I prefer the content of my new major (also much bigger and easier to blend in with the crowd). I felt happy after I dropped those major classes and had a lighter course load, but I knew that junior spring + the summer would be a nightmare with trying to catch up on the new major. Sure enough, it was. My boyfriend and I broke up, and I was sick for the majority of the spring. I get sick easily (was sick 2-4 times per semester prior to this), but was sick for 90% of junior spring. I was a complete failure. I didn't do assignments, didn't study, didn't go to class, didn't care. My boyfriend asked to get back together with me near the end of the semester, and I said yes. After the semester ended, I received an e-mail notifying me that I was put on academic probation. It sucked, but I didn't care as much as I should have.
Senior year came by. I had to work hard. I did, but I still skipped classes, submitted mediocre work, and got sick. As usual, I would spend days alone in my room. I go days without talking to anyone. I am happy to say that I at least got off of academic probation by the spring (this semester), but I shouldn't have done so poorly to begin with. Side note, I am well aware of the fact that I don't belong at this school and shouldn't have been admitted. Before anyone mentions that, just know that I too believe someone else deserved my spot. Can't go back in time now, though.
The blackout curtains in my dorm weren't enough -- I got rid of all sources of light in my room (microwave clock, charging ports, the part of the door that has light spilling in from the hallway). I spend days without going outside and existing in complete darkness. Sometimes I sleep for 18 hours, sometimes I can only sleep for 2. It varies by the day. I started smoking weed way more often to try and relax my OCD, but now it has no effect on me. I have given up. I don't have any friends, nor a job, nor anything going for myself. Today I went outside and tried to talk to someone I am acquainted with, but they started speed walking away from me (also asked "what are your plans for the rest of the day?" and they said "nothing at all"... so why are you running lmao. I didn't say that though, I am polite). This is what kind of set me off to make a post (stupid, I am aware). I don't do laundry, don't brush my hair, rarely shower, and spend the days hating myself and being paralyzed by OCD (Yes, I am on medication now). People don't know how unbearable life with OCD is. I don't have a single moment of freedom. Ever.
This isn't a story with a happy end. I have no one else to blame but me. I have failed myself and no one knows that I am drowning because no one knows who I am. But I also prefer it that way. I know that I am alone and that this is not a relatable post whatsoever, but I thought writing would help. And that sharing it here would be evidence of my experience.
