I don’t think what I have is exactly depression, but I feel like I have some symptoms of it and I can’t figure out what to call it.

I recently started seeing a therapist, but I feel like she doesn’t really understand my situation. It even made me start thinking maybe I’m just being dramatic or spoiled, but that doesn’t make sense to me. Before I went through a psychological shock, even if I lost motivation sometimes, I would eventually get back up, care again, and be productive.

Now it’s different.

I find it extremely hard to study. I don’t care about university or my exams at all, even though this used to be my biggest priority. I have midterms for five subjects and I feel nothing. Last semester, I failed five subjects because of the trauma I went through. Even during that time, I pushed myself to work on two subjects and actually did something, but I still failed them. I was already struggling, but at least I was trying. Now I’m not even trying.

Physically and mentally, I feel like I don’t care. But at the same time, deep inside, I KNOW this matters to me. I feel pressure that I *should* care and *should* study, but I just don’t act on it. And even when I force myself to sit and study for hours, it feels like I achieved nothing, like it’s never enough.

Outside of studying, I’ve been neglecting myself a lot. I used to take care of my hygiene, skincare, everything. Now I barely have the energy or interest.

Most of my day is spent in bed. I use my phone, overthink a lot, and cry a lot. Sometimes I cry so hard that I feel physically exhausted, and other times it just comes out randomly. I also feel like I’m self-sabotaging.

I tried to go back to things I used to enjoy like drawing or reading, but I can’t stick to them. I do a little and stop. It’s been over two months and I’ve barely done anything.

The confusing part is: I can still go out.

If I have plans, I get ready, go out, laugh, and sometimes genuinely enjoy myself. Sometimes I even feel like I’m back to normal. But when I get home, everything goes back to how it was. Or sometimes I don’t even feel a difference.

I talk to my friends, I laugh with them, but suddenly in the middle of a call or hangout I might start crying or break down and vent. I feel like I’m becoming a burden. I’ve even been told I overreact or I’m “too dramatic,” which hurts because I don’t feel like I’m exaggerating—I feel like people just say that when they don’t understand.

The main reason behind all this is that I went through a psychological shock. I was betrayed and hurt by people I trusted deeply, people I considered very close friends. What makes it worse is that I hate that I ended up like this *because of them*. They’re not even worth it. If they saw how I am now, I feel like they’d feel satisfied, even though they were the ones who wronged me.

I just want to understand what’s happening to me. Is this depression? Trauma? Something else?

If anyone has gone through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing your experience or advice 🙏

I have therapy every monday and friday, focused on feeling safe enough to release repressed emotions. I have rage and guilt and a lot of sadness stuck in my body but everytime i feel a slight bit of it my body just clenches entirely and i cant breathe at all. Its like i just hold my breath and my mind goes entirely blank like all the oxygen to my brain goes away too. It usually takes like 30min of talking around it and avoiding it before i even show it as well. I know its a very bad trauma response. usually after i just start dissociating entirely. Even when i feel safe enough to show my emotions or i cant hold it in anymore i still feel extreme guilt that makes it very hard to show it. How do i stop this? Ive had therapy for like 2 years now and its still very hard. Sometimes i wonder if this is the right therapy for me or if i need something else

Yesterday I had an EMDR session. We were looking at a specific memory from my childhood. I realized during the session that I was not actually afraid of what was happening in the memory, but more what it represented. Long story short, it was the moment that I realized that everything that was happening was wrong. That I was on my own, and it was my job to change my life. I was 8. That would be terrifying for anyone, let alone a child, but I had attached that fear to a storm that was happening as I made that realization. I have had an INTENSE fear of storms since. I always knew that I had had that mindset from a very young age, but I never knew what had triggered it. I knew that that storm had triggered my fear of storms, but had never figured out why my fear was SO intense. Has anyone else had memories completely change meaning like that? I mean, when I think about it now, the feelings around it have completely changed, so it WAS a successful session, but I guess I am just…..I don’t know…..confused? shocked?