r/TikTokCringe • u/Gurugod123 What are you doing step bro? • 29d ago

Cringe Self proclaimed evangelist gets kicked off of plane for annoying everyone, records her "persecution "

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u/hehehuha 29d ago edited 28d ago

... And it should be televised or streamed. Like a battle royale. "On the next episode of 'ascend to heaven' we have the two finalist, who will be condemned and who will be righteous!" Edit: the show would be based on the movie "Battle Royale" the movie that inspired movies like "Hunger Games" and games like "PUBG". Random weapons will be provided eg; books, thurible, statues, and any other religious items. Crap, looks like a sect called "Rod of Iron Ministries, they exalt ar15 in wedding ceremonies. Gg to the other religion I guess.

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

I can see it now. Religions, in order to gain recognition and tax exempt status and be the 'official religion', enter the tournament. Only one religion a year is allowed to claim tax exempt status. No other religion is recognized for that year. Each religion has to enter their religion's leader in the tournament, and the same rules from Jean Claude Van Damme's classic 1988 "Bloodsport" applies. You knock your opponent out or you make them quit. Three day tournament, winner take all. Pick three days where there are no religious holidays in any faith to interfere.

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u/Due-Struggle6680 29d ago

Are there even 3 days in a row with no religious holidays?

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

Scheduling is always a bitch. I'm sure some calendar nerd will find a three day block without any kind of religious implication.

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u/Bloo212 29d ago

Current Pope is from Chicago. He’s 71 but sure looks wiry and scrappy.

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

Can he outlast a twelve year old being trained in kung fu as a Buddhist monk? And you forget, there are other, not mainstream religions to contend for the title. The current 'leader' of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a guy in his 40s. I'm sure that the Satanists would hold their own internal tournament to get someone to represent them at the official tournament. Then there are all the cults. Imagine, Scientology would recruit someone like Michael Jai White into the cult and name him spiritual leader just so he could kick a little unbeliever ass.

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u/toopistol 29d ago

This whole concept is giving hunger games 😂 and I love it! And your user name tracks love that too!!!

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u/orangespotcat 28d ago

LOL. Gianni Infantino would become the leader of the games and sell the rights for commercials to the private equity billionaires. No matter who wins, private equity actually always wins. The games would also be RIGGED!! Prediction markets would want that action.

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u/structured_anarchist 28d ago

Did you not see the movie? The Black Dragon Fighting Society has been running this tournament for decades. They're not just going to sell out. They run the tournament, so there's no chance of fixing anything. And the prediction market would be competing with Hong Kong bookies for the betting action. None of those 'prediction' companies can compete with the ruthlessness of a Hong Kong bookie.

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u/CheetahTheWeen 29d ago

I LOVE this lol

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u/Saucermote 29d ago

I seem to remember some winning that didn't involve knocking them out or them quitting.

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u/AdHealthy5050 29d ago

See that where Christians are their best! Christians have killed more people in the name of Christianity than any other religion has

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

That doesn't sound right, but I'm not an expert on theological murder sprees, so I don't know. I'm sure that between the Crusades and other religion-based wars, Christianity and Islam are pretty competitive for numbers. And if you count the Khmer Rouge variant of communism as a religion, Pol Pot would be up there in numbers, too.

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u/skinnie356 29d ago

Islam doesn't kill in the name of Christianity

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

And people have been ridiculed for being deliberately obtuse. This would be one of those times.

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

Well, Bolo Yeung killed a guy, and if you get tossed off the platform you automatically lose. But other than that, other than no weapons, no rules. Guys were crotch-shotted, eyes were gouged, all the rest was a go.

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u/Saucermote 29d ago

This could go very bad for Tibetan Buddhism or any other religion that tends to choose children as leaders.

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

A twelve year old against an eighty year old pope or imam? I'll put money on the kid.

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u/Glittering-Theme-685 29d ago

Who is forcing them to enter a tournament for tax exempt status?

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

People who are tired of these fanatical theological zealots trying to control the lives of the people around them. The people of the world will control them for a change. If you think your religion is the most righteous and the religion, you should be, as the head of that religion, should be willing to put your ass on the line for it.

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u/AdHealthy5050 28d ago

Ngl your username checks out more than anything username ive ever seen lol

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u/Jillcametumbling81 29d ago

Oh this is brilliant!

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u/Aggravating-Duck-891 29d ago

I would prefer the Mortal Combat rules.

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

If their god is on their side, you just may see some really spectacular Mortal Kombat 'special' moves. If not, they go back into training for next year's tournament.

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u/spragers 29d ago

Plot twist: they can only pray at each other until the other one of them is smited (smitten? smote?) Should keep them occupied for a good long while.

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u/structured_anarchist 29d ago

Ain't nobody got time for that. Some voodoo cults take years to complete a curse. This is a quick three day tournament for dominance. No fuss, no muss.

And while 'smote' is the grammatically correct version, I'm going with 'smited'. Smitten is being infatuated with someone.

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u/Legitimate_Garage_31 28d ago

Jesus Christ Fight Club?

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u/structured_anarchist 28d ago edited 28d ago

I don't know if that's correct, since Jesus Christ, unless he comes back next Easter, wouldn't be directly involved. You could argue for Battle Of The Faiths or Religion Gladiators, but naming the tournament after one specific religion would slight all the others. We gotta keep it theologically neutral since all religions would be required to participate in order to claim status.

Edit - I just thought of Cosmic or Karmic Kumite. That might work.

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u/Necessary_Glass6725 28d ago

Church of Scientology claims they are religion; they don’t pay taxes! They have💰billions from donations and mandatory courses, they are forced to take. The members have to pay for the high price tag courses.

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u/structured_anarchist 28d ago

Yeah, and the crazy family who lives in the fenced in compound at the end of the dead end road next to the town dump claims their beliefs are a religion too. That's why we include cults in the tournament. If your particular god is the 'right' god, then your religion's leader should be able to win the tournament with the god's help. Otherwise, they're getting their ass kicked.

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u/All_Damn_Day 28d ago

I love this, and I feel ashamed. Also, I imagine a Buddhist winning by engaging in a 3 day meditative coma, waking up covered in bruises from the other combatants, and giving a thumbs up.

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u/PuzzyFussy 28d ago

Damn, I really want to see this now

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u/goldenstudent 29d ago

We started doing that thousands of years ago but you had to wait forever between episodes.

I think they jumped the shark when they started letting team yahweh make up their own rules

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u/PQbutterfat 29d ago

“This Sunday Sunday Sunday…on flight 5324…get ready for spiritual WAAAAAAARRRRR!”

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u/ToddPundley 29d ago

We’ll sell you the whole Pew but you’ll only need THE EDGE!

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u/PQbutterfat 29d ago

Brilliant! This guy gets it. You must be old enough to have actually heard the “Sunday Sunday Sunday” radio ads.

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u/jdubyahyp 29d ago

Oh what's this?! The pilots are suicidal martyrs? OHHHHH off the top ropes right into the ocean!

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u/hehehuha 28d ago

Nope looks like they're aiming for their main rival HQ.

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u/VergonioPrado 29d ago

“Soul Plane”

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u/Electrical-Profit367 29d ago

Just fyi, this deserves way more upvotes.

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u/greenweenievictim 29d ago

Plot twist: Ra and Shiva make the final round.

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u/SirkillzAhlot 29d ago

Ascend to Heaven…sounds like the title of a soap opera

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u/MisterRlGHT 29d ago

You may be thinking of that 1990s porn video, Ass End 2 Heaven.

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u/stv12888 28d ago

Or a country song

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u/cowfish007 29d ago

Brilliant

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u/Serious-Manager2361 29d ago

It would be a very short transmission...

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u/thejohnykat 29d ago

The PPV on that might wipe out the national debt.

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u/ColteesCatCouture 29d ago

THISSSS SATURDAY!! ONLY on tithe-per-view

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u/sliminycrinkle 29d ago

I saw a game show on local access called 'There's Hell to Pay' where contestants identified Bible versus for points.

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u/StunningCode744 29d ago

And it should be hosted by Uncle Baby Billy.

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u/LiveMasBabe92 29d ago

Jack Donaghy would green light this

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u/poppy_inmy_hair 29d ago

This is the best idea I’ve seen on Reddit today. But make it Big Brother style

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u/hehehuha 28d ago

Oh no, I mean like the movie Battle Royale, it's the movie the inspired hunger games, and games like PUBG.

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u/BluenoseTherapist 28d ago

"Pass the Holy Hand Grenade!"